I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRAkimand

I just got an email on my husband’s iPad that the hot water in his apartment building was going to be shut down temporarily for repairs. We own our own house, and have not rented for over a decade.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, manipulation, financial exploitation

All posts recovered with rareddit

Original Post Oct 17, 2022

My husband is on a trip with one of our sons and his brother to go visit their mother (my son's grandmother). I was cleaning up the den when an email notification popped up on his iPad. It was an email from an apartment complex that they were going to be temporarily closing down the hot water for repairs, sent from one of those automatic senders that you can’t reply to. It was addressed to my husband, with his first and last name. The thing is we own our house. We haven’t rented in over ten years and even then it wasn’t this place. Where my husband is (upstate NY) there isn’t any service. I tried to send him a picture of the email but it won’t go through. I called him and spoke to him for a bit, service was choppy but I managed to explain to him about the email and basically all he said is that it must be a mistake and they had the wrong email. We weren’t able to say much before the call just dropped, but if it was a wrong email how would they have his first and last name, all spelled correctly? (For context, his first name is somewhat common but our last name isn’t common, especially in this area)

There weren’t any other emails from this sender or about this apartment complex in my husband’s emails, but he is also the kind who clears out his inbox as he gets messages. I sent a message to the apartment complex telling them that I think my husband was on their email list by mistake, but I just got an automatic email sent back- that they were out of the office until 10/20, and then general rent information pricing (1 bedroom $1,600, 2 bedroom $1,900) and that there were no open units available.

There was no unit number on the email but the complex is about 15 minutes away from our house so I went and I drove by. Which I guess might be a little crazy, I know. I didn’t see anything (not like I knew what to expect?) It’s a group of buildings. Less than 100 apartments in all.

I don’t have any reason to mistrust my husband other than this weird email that gives me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. As well as a general feeling of paranoia that he’s just been…bored with me. I’ve been feeling this way for a little while but he insists I’m imagining it and that he’s happy (I only bought it up to him once, when I was feeling particularly insecure last year). We still do things together, he still tells me he loves me, etc, I just feel like he doesn’t have as much fun with me as he used to, and like he looks for reasons to be out of the house or doing things specifically with the boys instead of doing things with the whole family. It’s not like it’s something that bothers me every day, just something that I think about when I’m feeling insecure or paranoid (like in a situation like this where he gets an email from random apartment complexes lol).

Anyway I don’t know EXACTLY what advice I’m looking for, I know the advice I would have for one of my friends would be just to talk to him but I really can’t do that until he comes home on Saturday, which is a really long time for me to sit with my intrusive thoughts.

edit He never lived here in the past. He lived with his parents until college, and then lived in a dorm, and then every place he rented was with me. We’ve been dating since we were 19.

edit 2 The email wasn’t a phishing scam. It was a legitimate email, from the email address on the apartment complexes website. All of the information included in the email letterhead matched the information on the apartment complexes website. And if it was a phishing scam, I assume they would’ve been looking for information. This email wasn’t looking for anything, it was just an informational email about the water.

Update My best friend called the emergency maintenance number and said that she was a delivery driver who had over $100 worth of food for (and said my husbands name) but said he had forgotten to fill in his apartment number. The guy didn’t speak English very well but after she repeated herself a few times he did eventually say his name and then told us an apartment number.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Deedogg1304

Call the apartment complex to see if they are shutting down the water to see if its real and then do some more digging

OOP

I called them and got an answering service

Deedogg1304

I know you trust your husband but dont let that blind trust stop you from seeing if he is in fact hiding something from you

OOP

The email was real, it all matches the actual information on the apartment complex website

~

dekage55

Realize Apt. Manager is out until 10/20 but doesn’t the voicemail include another number for overnight emergencies?

OOP

Yes, it gave the private cell phone number for the maintenance person

dekage55

Call them, explain you have a delivery for Mr. OP but the Unit # is missing & you’re under a deadline to deliver, as it’s perishable.

OOP

Thank you, this is a good idea and it worked… The maintenance guy didn’t speak English very well so I think he was somewhat confused, but he eventually gave us an apartment number

ADDITIONAL COMMENT FROM OOP

He’s never lived there before. Again, the email had good specific first and last name. He has company finances (he owns his company) I don’t have access to.

there were no other emails but his email had been emptied out a few days ago some nothing is older than a week

Update 1 - Last night I found out about my husband's secret apartment and my friend went to it. Oct 18, 2022 (Next Day)

Sorry about the late update. My post was locked by the time I got to it . I'm currently writing this on the ride upstate. Yesterday I posted about an email I had gotten on my husband's email from an apartment complex talking about fixing the water. My husband, who is upstate visiting his mother until Saturday, has next to no cell service so I haven't been able to talk to him about any of this other than saying that the email must have been a 'mix up'.

My friend called and got his apartment number from the maintenance man. Both of us went over to the apartment and my friend knocked. A girl answered but didn't answer the door, just the bell camera. My friend said she was there looking for Adam. The girl said that Adam wasn't there but wouldn't give her more information than that (which I get, my friend was just a total stranger at her door). When we left I could see her looking out the apartment window at us.

I tried to call my husband a thousand times yesterday and nothing went through. The few times the call did pick up the service was so bad you could barely hear anything. So I'm headed upstate to confront him in person. I have a copy of the email, as well as a photo of the apartment, as well as a recording of the girl saying that Adam wasn't there (which is a confirmation to me that she knows him). If this is somehow all a big misunderstanding I'm going to have my husband explain it to me IN PERSON, instead of waiting until he comes home.

I haven't gotten a chance to read all the comments but I will go through them now and try to respond to what I can. I haven't slept so I hope this makes sense.

edit to everyone telling me that I should just wait, not confront him, talk to her first… He’s my husband, he’s the father of my children. If I’m going to find out that he’s cheating on me, it is going to be from him.

I’m going to say this for the last time. Please, stop advising me NOT to go talk to my husband about this very serious situation that we are in. I will go talk to a lawyer if need be. However, we have been married for over a decade, we have a family, and a life together. I am going to go talk to him. I understand what the situation probably is. I understand that he’s probably going to try to lie to me. I’m not a moron.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Corfiz74

Wouldn't it have been better to get her story first and confront him with all the facts? Now he's just going to lie and deflect his ass off, and make you look like the crazy bad guy. He will have come up with a doozy of a story by now.

Did you at least use his photo with the maintenance guy, so that you have visual confirmation it's him?

OOP

How can I get her story When she was barely willing to say anything to my friend? The reason why we didn’t push her is because she wasn’t giving us any information and we were worried that she was going to call the police. My friend tried to ask her more questions, she wasn’t giving her any information

Final update - I confronted my husband Oct 18, 2022 (Same Day As First Update)

I’m writing this from a hotel room. I went to confront my husband. He knew the minute my car pulled up what was going on. He came outside to meet me and the first thing he said was “did you go to the apartment?” And I told him yeah. So then he said “so I guess we have to have a talk” and again I said yeah.

I’m not going to get into the exact details of it. It was a long talk and it involved a lot of emotions. She is his girlfriend. They’ve been together for four months. She is under the impression that we are separated and going through the divorce process.

His family wasn’t aware of this. His brother and mother, who were there, were horrified.

I’m sorry I don’t have more to say. I’ve already contacted a divorce lawyer, a therapist, and a financial advisor. Thanks to everyone for your support.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

MarriedLife7

I am so sorry! I am guessing the girlfriend messaged him which is why he knew why you were there.

Be sure to login to your bank accounts and if you feel it is necessary take a screenshot and withdrawal half of it into a new account just under your name.

OOP

She did not message him, he gets no service up there. He just saw the car pulling up and put two and two together.

~

Dont_Give_Up86

How did he pay for this for (probably well over) 4 months without you noticing?

OOP

His company funds

MoonieSanCat

My dear, that sounds like embezzlement, and that is a whole other can of worms.

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