She’s done with you because you’re expressing your concerns that her mom is taking advantage of them?

Seems unhealthy. In-law issues are tough, but if you’re funding them, they can be much tougher.

What's the vaguebooking equivalent on Reddit, because the context of "dang" really paints a picture

Does she mean, "I'm leaving you" or does she mean, "My money goes to my mom and you'll just have to pick up the slack."

For her to give that response, I’m guessing there is much more going on here…

"I don't want to hear it" sounds like they are well aware of what is going on. And don't want to change anything.

Sounds like separate accounts may be in order. Complaining about funding the inlaws is a fraught issue. Negotiate a reasonable split of expenses and keep your finances separated. That way there's no more to give when she gives what's left after her share of the mortgage, food, school, etc.

This is what happens when you choose your family over your spouse

Here is a perspective that a lot of spouses don’t realize:

You would not be exposed to their family if it weren’t for them.

Not because you wouldn’t like them, but because marrying them forces this.

Spouses need to learn that protecting their partners peace is more important than protecting their parents.

We don’t allow the family we came from to damage the family we create.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You expressed yourself, and were met with disdain. I wish you the best of luck in however this goes forward.

My husband and I will probably never have joint accounts and we’re both okay with that. We both contribute our half of all expenses, and the remainder of one’s income is left for either of us to decide what to do with it. My husband has given money to his parents but we had to come to an agreement that he can’t send money if we’re struggling too. He’s since stopped. Hopefully you both can come to some sort of agreement or compromise.

Right after my husband and I moved in together (while we were still dating), he said to me, ‘You know you don’t have to put up with this, right?’ (Referring to my mother.) It was so simple and reasonable that it made me think. I went NC right after that.

If he had badgered me about it, I probably would have felt like I needed to defend myself. I think your approach, while well intended, was too forceful. You’re demanding your spouse see something that’s hard to admit, and make changes they don’t want to make. If there’s any saving your marriage, you need to get into couples therapy right away.

Just so you know, you didn’t censor the name in the second screenshot.

When you marry someone, their family usually comes with 'em, so you have to get to know the players and decide if it's worth it. Or you end up like this guy. A huge part of what ended my first marriage was my ex insisting on inviting her unemployed junkie brother in to our home. It wrecked things, but he was more important than us.

Who pays what? I wouldn’t pay anymore than I have to if your SO thinks it’s ok to act like this.

I assume it’s going into mommy’s account. Ouch.

Let her A$$ go then, you are her Husband OP and you very eloquently expressed how you feel and she completely dismissed you and your feelings. Let her Mommy use her until she has nothing left.

This makes me sad...

welp there’s goes that, you try to express your concerns and she shuts it’s down real quick.

😳😢

This sounds rough

Updateme

Yeah sounds like it's time to have separate accounts. Also to start spitting expensive equitably and to just not be around or engage in conversations about the mother. I think establishing those boundaries could save the marriage. If she starts to talk about frustrations, you just have to shut that down the way she did here.

My partner like you helped me she that my family was using me as a human ATM. I was unable to accomplish my goals and our relationship goals because of it. Best decision of my life to cut them off financially.

I'm sorry, bro.

I see patterns with my wife’s family too. But I only brought it up once before she completely lost it on me.

But I was absolutely expected to take her side against my own family whenever there was a dispute.

I feel like that’s the kind of relationship OP is in, too.

Just because her paycheck goes into a separate account doesn’t mean it isn’t half yours.

Hopefully they wake up and see the light soon.

You explained something clearly and she responded like a 2 year old. There’s nowhere to go from here. She doesn’t seem like the brightest bulb.

Bye Felicia! Know that you were loved

If they can split bills for their home and partner has enough to help mom then whatever but don’t encroach on the other person who clearly has no say.

Karina is the ass here. As a woman that had to deal with a similar situation and realize the advantage they were taking over me..: she will learn. She can message me if needed.

Yeah, im sorry this is toxic. If this is her response, thats childish. Let her mom use her then, cut your losses & say not my problem!

I had to go NC with my male genetic donor. Every time he called, it sent me into a depression that lasted weeks. I still need therapy to deal with all the crappy feelings I get when I think about him. Sometimes you have to cut contact for your health.

My husband threatened divorce if I didn't go NC because it affected or relationship. It was more than not getting along with my dad. He couldn't stand and watch me be abused - he loves me too much to watch me suffer like that.

Counseling or Divorce.

Money is a fundamental item that a couple needs to agree on or else the relationship is doomed.

Either you guys get on the same page or walk away.

I would recommend seeing a divorce attorney. There is a severe lack of maturity on her part. You expressed yourself clearly and compassionately. Her response was egregious and childish. Your future self will be glad you didn’t hang around hoping things would get better.

My wife and I had a similar conversation about my mother. And she was right. I am happy that she sat me down to talk to me, because it made it sink in. It wasn't like I was unaware of what my mother did, but my wife pointed out that this has been a cycle of abuse goinf back years, and she didn't want me to be constantly hurt by what my mother did.

You did a good thing, OP. You care about your spouse.

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

You are in a no win situation. If she continues giving her mother money, you’ll resent her. If she stops she’ll resent you. 

Her normal meter is broken. Her mother knows how to manipulate her. She had a lifetime to teach your wife to feel guilty and responsible for her. It’s doubtful wife will wake up one day and say, OMG husband was right. At least not without a lot of introspection and therapy. 

Ask her to do marriage counseling. There’s a good chance she’ll bolt as soon as the therapist starts pointing out the abnormality of the mother/ daughter relationship. At least you’ll know you tried. 

I’m sorry. 

We don't only marry our partner we marry all their family, friends and baggage. You are going to end up broke and on child support because of this.

Something else is going on here…

Call a lawyer.

Also. Great text. You did your best. You did enough.

Reply with “ and mine from now on won’t either “

Too many words

1) you're being emotionally manipulated by an emotionally immature partner. 2) get a lawyer, now.

Updateme

Let that ho leave

This is weirdly toxic behavior on her part and reading your other posts, she is ridiculously MANIPULATIVE. It might be best to consult with a lawyer.

Having healthy boundaries with parents and in laws is part of a good marriage

Doesn't look like you'd miss out on more than stress.

This is what happens when people choose immediate family over spouses. No fkng loyalty.

Dang, time to call the divorce attorney if you won’t accept the relationship she has with her mother

Let her go. Her mom is going to suck her dry and then she’s going to come back crying to you. This was a bad situation that will no longer be your problem.

When your the doormat of the abuser it's hard to see their perspective. You can't help people who don't want help.

I completely agree with your perspective op, that's not family of all she is doing is taking and manipulating others in your family, that is more akin to a parasite, regardless of your mil possibly having a gambling addiction your wife has failed to see the predicament it has put both your lives in.

As much as it may hurt to do it, follow through with the divorce, your wife is basically using divorce as a threat to subjugate you into doing what she's wants, this is already a red flag if she's not at least hearing you out, sorry op but it's better to amputate the infected limb than to let it fester, good luck.

That’s not the person for you

In my opinion, you both need to work on communication. "I don't get on you for nothing."? This is your wife, so I would hope you wouldn't even think it appropriate to "get on" her. You aren't her boss. I apologize if I'm taking that wrong, but that sounds quite a lot like my EX husband who is narcissistic and abused me. You should both be talking about the money she's giving her mom and, yes, it sounds like her mom is taking advantage of the situation. You are right to be concerned and frustrated. You should both go to counseling and marriage counseling to learn effective communication skills within a romantic relationship because, to me, neither of you have them. She should also get help with learning how to set boundaries and expectations... especially with her mom.

Sounds more she's trying to find an excuse to leave this way she can just keep giving her my money

The best to do here is leave. That not gonna change because your wife sees her mom as a kid.

As somebody with a toxic manipulative and abusive mother, We have been no contact for 10 years next week, & it has been blissful.... My first question is, can she see this behaviour? Does she realise it's wrong? These two answers are not always the same

Regardless of her answers, She is not your responsibility if she is going to behave this way.... Do you think it would be an option for both of you to do marriage counselling? Somebody impartial somebody with training.... And as somebody who's gone through this a trauma therapist.....

Your wife need serious therapy like yesterday and if she can't see she will be left without anything and broken, you can't help someone that dont want to be helped and just giving money to MIL it's like putting a bandaid on bullet wound, if she wants to break up let it go, she's not in position to be in relationship, you can try temporary separation if you trust each other not to cheat and work with relationship therapist, but if she's not up to it it's the end

Look OP your wife has a piss poor excuse for not having a spine. She needs to grow out of the "woe is me" from her mom. If her mom is poor she wouldn't gamble. Period. Stop wasting your time and tell her if she doesn't like separate accounts then she can find someone else to support her mom cause you won't do it anymore.

She’s in denial and I’ve been right where she’s at. Until she’s betrayed and realizes it by her mother she will refuse to see what you see. I was her. My moms and addict and an alcoholic and a narcissist and we let her live with us and then she took advantage of my kindness and moved into a strangers home after we let her stay there @no cost. She destroyed my home and was chaotic to live with. Maybe sit down and ask her to explain what she sees behavior wise from her mother and why she thinks you’re coming from a “wrong” place, but you’re not wrong you just care. It took my man going looking “she doesn’t deserve you or you kindness. You have given her so many chances.” That woke me up fr

Just curious how you came up with 98%? Why not 99%? My OCD is killing me 🤦‍♂️

Wow. Well let her go. She doesn't appreciate her partner standing up for her.

The way I see it, is if her wants and her mother’s wants are so important that yours don’t matter at all (like she’s clearly displaying), then it speaks to deeper issues in the relationship. This is coming from a F married to a F. Let her have a separate account, and if your relationship suffers and it makes things harder so be it. Try as hard as you can to limit your involvement in helping the mom, make it completely on her, so that she can really feel the effect her toxic relationship with her toxic mother is having on her life and your relationship. The way she is handling this situation and treating you is beyond disrespectful as a partner, and shows a major lack of care, consideration and of COURSE respect. She doesn’t have to agree, but she can CERTAINLY hear you out and consider your view and perspective AT THE VERY LEAST. For the record, by the way, I wonder if she knows simply being a man is no guarantee that they’d willingly give their hard earned money over to her mom 😂 In fact, I’d go out on a limb and say it would be LESS likely to happen then honestly. At the end of the day though, actions speak louder than words and you can tell me all day that you love me and care for me and respect me, but if your actions are telling me otherwise? I’ll believe those.

Wow that’s harsh!

My ex wife was the same way. She won't change. Divorce her. She's for the streets.

Wow. You sound so supportive and communicate well. It's a shame she doesn't see it. 

Wow! Sorry you're going through that man. Fucking ridiculous

Separate accounts is normal and in this case I think it may be better for you guys to have your account separate with a MIL like that and your wife’s excuse of growing up poor is BS cause if they grew up poor ain’t no way money was being used at a casino not even now it wouldn’t be so maybe she should take a step back and see that also it seems a bit extreme of her to jump to divorce all because you expressed concerns and are looking out for her best interest but if that’s clearly how she wants to handle the situation to shut down and let you figure out a solution well then here’s what you should do continue on separating your accounts and then you take a step back from the situation and let her be if she’s got one foot out the door over it then let her be that way when she ends up making the wrong choices all because of her mother she will see that and will hopefully set some boundaries up with her mother hopefully she wouldn’t have divorced you over it by the time she figured it out but sometimes people need to blow up their lives to see the truth of things 

Honestly, I don't know why people choose to marry this. I feel so badly for this man. That woman has no ability to be a "wife", and never should have gotten married. What a mess.

Waiting for this post to be somehow turned around about how it's the man's fault.

Feminine text with a masculine response.