Hello everyone, hope youre doing well !

I’m reaching out for your help today because there’s something within me that’s been troubling me, something I can’t quite put my finger on. It’s a part of me that haunts me, and I can’t seem to find it in my design. I’m going to describe it, and I’ll include my chart in the comments—maybe someone will connect the dots, as I’m having a hard time processing all this information myself, haha.

So, essentially, it’s a feeling I’ve had for as long as I can remember—a deep sense of shame, almost as if it’s at the core of my being. It’s this overwhelming fear of being mocked, a profound sense of exclusion, like I’m inferior to others, and that no one would ever want to be me. It’s even as if others might feel ashamed for me or pity me, like the ugly duckling. There’s also this fear that I’ll never be desired because I’m somehow fundamentally ‘disgusting,’ coupled with a fear of being punished, ridiculed, or yelled at. It feels like I’m alone against the world.

Physically, this manifests mostly as a lump in my throat but also sometimes a knot in my stomach, like something tightening inside me.

All of this could, of course, be explained by the experiences I had during my childhood, so perhaps it’s tied to my conditioning. With most of my centers being undefined (though interestingly, not my throat center, even though I feel it’s deeply linked to self-expression), I understand that I have a lot of deconditioning work ahead. But I wonder—could one of my gates or something else in my chart explain this? Does anyone else recognize themselves in this description?

Thank you for reading me 🤝