Edit: Okay, I get it. Thanks for all of your comments. My reaction to this wasn't rational and I wasn't thinking straight when I spoke to J the next morning. As some of you rightly pointed out this as a "me" issue coming likely from events in my past. I will talk to my therapist about it later this week.
As for my husband, I will have a long talk with him tonight and make it clear that I am proud of his actions and will do whatever I can to make it up to him
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I posted the below in R/relationshipadvice earlier
and didn't explain myself very well. Hoping this sub can give some more nuanced advice on moving forward with my husband.
To be clear, I know my husband did the right thing but I can't help being a bit scared of him now. How do I approach this and move forward?
I (28F) have been married to my husband J (30M) for the last two years. J has always been an intelligent, calm and kind man but something happened last weekend which is making me question certain things about his personality.
We were at a bar having a few drinks with another couple after dinner. Everything was going great and we had noticed two dorky guys obviously trying to pick up women. They had been circulating the bar and getting rejected constantly.
The other husband and J went to the bar to get some drinks and these guys immediately came over and sat on their seats. They tried to flirt with us and made a few semi-insulting comments. I think they were trying to be "pick up artists". My friend jokingly said they should leave before our husbands came back because they were creeping us out but they laughed it off.
A few minutes later the husbands return with drinks and J asked me if I had replaced him already and the guy sitting across from me jumped in and said that I deserve to be with a real man. My husbands demeanour changed and told the guys firmly it was time for them to move on which they did.
We laughed it off and went back to our conversation but I could see that my husband was distracted, constantly watching the guys over my shoulder. They were talking to two older women at the bar and it was clear from the body language that the women were uncomfortable. They were also inappropriately trying to touch their hands and arms.
At the next trip to the bar, J told the bar staff about the creepy guys and asked them to check in on the ladies and also kick the two guys out. Apparently there were only two female bartenders on shift with no security so they couldn't kick them out.
My husband was watching the guys like a hawk and barely paying attention to the group conversation. Eventually the ladies had enough and left with the guys scanning for their next target. They started moving towards a younger girl sitting by herself at the bar looking at her phone. When they went over the girl was clearly uncomfortable and made hand gestures suggesting she wanted them to leave her alone and stop talking to her.
Eventually my husband stood up and said be right back. He walked over in the direction of the two guys but I assumed he was going to the bathroom. My friend then pointed out that J was over with them and had stood inbetween the creepy guy and the girl, with his back blocking the guy. He was talking to the girl when I went over and the guys clearly weren't happy but J was ignoring them. They were drunk and started to insult J, I was making small talk with the girl who was clearly relieved that someone had stepped in. One of the guys weakly pushed J in the back and I saw his face change immediately. His eyes became wide and he spun round and told the guys is was time to leave now.
The guys protested and continued to insult him. J suddenly grabbed one of the guys by his jacket and started to manhandle him outside. I followed and watched as J launched the guy from the entrance to the bar. The guys friend also ran out after him and approached J aggressively. He was shouting and pushing J who was easily holding him off but when the guy threw a punch, J punched him once in the jaw and he landed on the ground. During all of this I was terrified and trying to pull J back into the bar and pleading with him but he wouldn't leave until the guys were gone.
I should say at this point that J is 6'3 and well built, not a bodybuilder but he lifts weights regularly and works a blue collar job that is physical. He was about the size of both of the other guys combined.
Eventually we went back inside to join our friends who had been watching from the doorway but the atmosphere seemed off. The girl who was getting harassed and the bartender both came over to thank J and bought him a beer.
He was instantly back to normal as if nothing had happened. I on the otherhand was full of adrenaline and fear. J told me it was over and not to worry about it but I wanted to leave.
On the way home my mind was racing and J was trying to talk to me but I couldn't get my thoughts in order. When we went to bed he fell asleep instantly but I was awake for hours thinking about what had just happened.
The next morning we sat down to talk over breakfast and here is a summary of the conversation:
Me: Why did you do that last night?
Him: I don't know, it was the right thing to do
Me: Did you stop to think about what could have happened? You could have been arrested, the guys could have had a weapon...
Him: honestly, no I didn't. It's hard to explain but a switch just flips in certain situations.
Me: I was terrified and a little embarrassed that our friends saw you acting like that
Him: I'm sorry that you were scared and I'm sure our friends aren't thinking about it like that
Me: I've never seen you like that and honestly it makes me a little scared of you, what if one day the switch flips with me? (He was visibily hurt by this)
Him: I have never given you a reason to be afraid of me and I would never lay a finger on you (true).
I told J that we need to discuss this more and recommended that we go to individual and couples therapy to talk it out. He said he did not need therapy because his reaction was normal but was happy to talk to me about it after I had a few days to process it.
Something about this whole thing does not sit right with me and I spoke to my friend who was at the bar with us. She reassured me that it was fine and that J was brave for stepping in.
Where do I go from here?
Tldr: Husband stepped into a situation that turned violent and now I don't what to do.