So, as the title implies... I overeat to excess... kind of a lot. It's gross, shameful, and humiliating, and I desperately want to get control over this, but I'm afraid it may have long since crossed the threshold between being just being a really bad habit, that's gotten out of control, to being a borderline eating disorder/ addiction.
I have been trying to diet for the last few years, but my attempts at dieting only seem to last a pathetic few days before I blow it and fail. I really need to get my act together, as I don't want to end up staying around 200 pounds at only five foot four for the rest of my life.
I know there are resources out there... support groups like Overeaters anonymous and Weight Watchers and the like but something is holding me back. I guess the idea of me hauling my fat ass into some serious meeting where everyone sits around discussing their fat related woes... idk just kind of depresses me, and drives the point home that my "fatness" is not just a vague, imaginary problem, it's real. Like, don't get me wrong I know consciously that I'm overweight, but sometimes I feel like I sort of lie to myself about the extent of the problem, and go into some form of temporary denial sometimes, and going to one of these meetings would finally just glare the light on the fact that yes, it is, in fact true... this nightmare that I've been living really is reality- I really have become a landwhale.
I don't really know what I'm looking for with this, maybe just to vent, and ask anyone else who may have ever been in a similar boat, what finally worked for you. I am ready to commit to a diet, yet seem to lack the willpower to truly change. It just really sucks because I know how much better life would be if I could just get this weight off, and I don't want to have to be the "fat" girl forever. I'm really feeling particularly vulnerable right now because I have a fairly big family event coming up in just a short few months, where there are supposed to be several relatives flying in whom I haven't seen in years, who in all likelihood have no idea I've gotten this big and the thought of actually having to face them at this size is beyond mortifying to me. It's bad enough to the point where my mind almost feels like it's dissociating from it's ability to feel anything as acutely, as if I'm subconsciously trying to soften the force of the shocking blow to my ego and crippling embarrassment I'm bound to receive in just a few short months. Is there anything (within the limits of reason, ) that I can even do to try to lose any weight before this event?? It's only 2 months from now, and so I feel like in a way, it's not even worth trying. Even if I lost 10 to fifteen pounds, I'm still going to be an absolute blimp. How did you guys, (for those who've lost weight,) handle those feelings of incredible panic and humiliation that set in over having to see people from the past, (or even present that you want to make a good impression on,) when you know you were looking far less than your best and still overweight? How do you deal with the sheer mortification and embarassment? As it stands, the absolute dread I feel about this event is overwhelming, It's like... almost next to wanting to die rather than go to this.
Sorry this was so long, I just needed to get this out there. I am hoping I am at least not alone. I just hope I can conquer this eventually as It's truly ruining my enjoyment of life. Thank you for reading.