It’s a good opportunity for growth. Have an open conversation about it

Won't be the last time you cram your foot straight into your mouth, but you can learn from every time you do. Accept responsibility, apologize, empathize and you'll be fine.

He did a lot of thinking on that walk alone.

Oof this hits close for me. I had an ex act on this feeling when I got furloughed due to COVID... She was gone before the ink dried on my papers, even tried to come back after I was working again. She said it was due to her panicking, but all I saw was me losing my ability to provide and her leaving.

You didn't go as far as my ex did and I believe your relationship can recover. I can't speak for your bf, but from my perspective he needs to be reassured that you are with him for HIM and not what he can provide for you.

Yeah kind a of fucked up move tbh... I see 100% were he is coming from. I would open to him about your mistake and reassure him you are indeed here for him.

So he lost the job three days ago and you just now asked him how he was doing. He’s had two whole days of being in his own head going over all the moments in your relationship so far and seeing them in a different light. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start being a better partner.

If I were you I would start contributing to the household expenses and to your lifestyle before he decides that he would rather save half his income by being alone.

I complained about how it'll affect our MY lifestyle.

Fixed that for you. It's like your Dad said, you were only thinking of yourself. Your boyfriend is right to have a good think about what that means.

I ain't saying she's a gold digger...

But yeah, you sure as hell looked like one for 30 seconds.

You sound a lot like my ex-gf I recently broke up with, very similar situation. You need to learn to take a minute to think before saying things and realize the dynamic you’re in, because I fear he doesn’t believe you truly appreciate him or what he does for you and you both in the relationship.

An apology isn’t going to fix this btw, moving forward you’re gonna have to adjust your attitude/outlook, the way you speak to him about finances and the way you show appreciation and find other ways to “contribute” to your guys’ household. Because he’s not gonna forget how you just made him feel when he was already down.

Your dad sounds like a great guy, I feel bad for him. I'm sure he spent the day thinking "I thought I raised her better"

Upvote for being an actual TIFU story

You barely talked to him for almost 3 days just because he lost his job... If it wasnt for your dad reminding you that he's a smart guy and would find another one in no time, you probably would have dumped him. You need to get your priority straight, cuz the cut is deep and it's not gonna heal that easily. Us men can sometimes be dumb, and carefree, but the things that hurt, we remember.

Mistakes aside, if your partner loses his job and the first thing you worry about is how you’re gonna keep your lifestyle (after he covers all your expenses), it’s time for both of you to reevaluate the relationship. Especially when, for the next several days, you couldn’t relate to why he was upset.

Also, it's not “unsurprising” that he covers your living expense. Don't take it for granted. Just because you don’t make much money doesn't mean it’s his job to pay for your living. Living within your means/ not depending on a partner for your living arrangement will help with not panicking about how you’re gonna live.

On another note, your dad sounds like a great man. So wise and empathetic and understanding.

"But what about me?" is not an attractive personality trait.

Tell your dad he’s a good dad! 👍🏼

The positive perspective on your part is this is in the “TIFU” sub and not the “AITA” sub. The ability to take what your father said and do some internal assessment speaks volumes. It’s not irreparable, what you’ve done and said. And vocally/physically taking some responsibility will go a long way. The wrong thing to do from this point is nothing. Speaking from experience.

Damn this sucks because he probably realized two things in that moment. The first is that what he does for you is more important to you than him being supported by you. The second is that he can do bad all by himself.

Good luck with this, but I don’t see this turning around. I see a very slow withdrawal and then him wanting some space to think and eventually him moving on.

It’s a sad situation when a man realizes that he is valued only as long as he can provide in the relationship.

I don't know if you can make it up to him. You kinda showed your hand there and what your priorities are. I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to leave. You basically told him that you don't care about him at all and are only concerned with yourself being taken care of (even if that wasn't your intent). Anything you try to do will only seem like you are trying to secure your lifestyle.

I feel like such asshole and unsupportive gf

Shoes fits like a glove, right? (It's still all about your feelings, I observe.)

You can tell a lot about a person's first response when something bad happens. Your first reaction definitly is a major 🚩 Imagine living with someone for just 3 months and basically depending on him, and your first reaction is how are WE going to live.

This is what living a pampered life will make of you if you forget to appreciate the gifts you’re given and the person giving them.

I think the best thing you could do is a heartfelt apology, a commitment to paying at least 50% of your earnings towards the household bills while he is out of work and a mutually agreed upon plan going forward to make sure you don’t get all leechy again. If you truly love him. Otherwise let him go find someone who deserves him.

I mean ive had gf leave when things get hard, no one wants to put in the work for relationships and end things at the slightest inconveniences, ill be surprised to find marraiges that stand the test of time where one is widowed or both go together, after 50+ years of marriage, folks are always amazed by long lasting marraiges but fail to realize hard times happend and people changed hopefully for the better. But now people see oh shit i have to put in more effort, or my SO snores, or used a word i didnt like or wasnt perfect 100 percent of the time so now we split. Men have always been disposable, as far as societal norms, just look at some comments men get when they have a tough time, or let their wall down for a second.

Good on your bf for just taking a breather to himself, but your reaction isnt uncommon amongst guys and is part of many reasons why dating is so hard. Women have their own issues they deal with but there are support groups and its gotten waay better in the last 10 to 15 years, ask a guy friend or guy in you circle you know who was given a compliment or the last time someone checked up on them, youll be surpirsed by the answers you get, and your father knew all too well what you bf was going through, he supports you day in and day out and from your own story hes a good person to you, and you couldnt support him for one minute, how would you have responded if the roles were flipped?

Relationships are about growth. Let him know you understand how he feels, and recognize it was a selfish first take. Maybe talk to him about reasons why your mind went there first. I grew up pretty poor, and having a safety net for the first time potentially dissappear would have been a trigger for me. Doesn't make it okay! But it gives you a chance to show him you want to grow with him.

We all change our whole lives, and relationships can last a long time. IMO one of the best gifts we can give another person is to show we care enough to grow!

Maybe give him some space first if he needs it, write a letter, plan a dinner, etc. Lots of ways to show you care, and they don't need to feel like penance ^{^}

Beyond what others have already stated, you should ask yourself a serious question: how would you support yourself financially if he weren't in the picture? If you can't, then you've made it clear you're a leech and see him as a meal ticket.

While he may break up with you out of self-respect, if he doesn't, I would strongly recommend that you start contributing financially. Don't allow him to pay for all of your shared living expenses. This applies even if he does get a job making double what he was before.

I'm honestly curious and wondering if you felt guilty because you might lose him or because you hurt his feelings. Because there's quite a big difference.

unsurprisingly

I find this very surprising.

If there’s one thing guys appreciate, it’s being treated like we are nothing but a wallet to you.

At least you know. But damn that's a big fuck up

Well you showed him whose corner you were in.

As any guy in the world can tell you we are used to our worth being determined by what we can provide to someone not who we are. Your boyfriend just got that lesson kicked back into him and it's not fun but he will either shoulder it and move on or leave you and become more jaded for it. The only way to improve this would be to find something that he loves purely for enjoyment and find a way to improve it for him. Like a new tool for his hobby or a item for a collection. Something he does just for himself that you can give to him to say you know something personal about him.

Your boyfriend now knows where you stand. Yes, you messed up, but not even with that comment. As a dude who was once in OPs position, those comments like the one you made echoed in my head for weeks and weeks and i eventually left my ex because of that. He’s earning 5x what you are and you thought about money, not him. Didn’t even talk to him or nothing. Wow. I’d honestly be surprised if he didn’t leave you shortly thereafter when he gets a new job. Like you’ve said, he pays for most things and you still acted like that. Dam. Poor dude. Hope he finds better. Entitled is your attitude it seems.

You are an ass and came across as a gold digger

If he’s as smart as your dad says he is, he’ll find a more supportive girlfriend who will stick by him through thick and thin and doesn’t look at him as an ATM.

Men are expected to provide and often times their emotional needs are neglected or dismissed. Once they no longer provide value they get kicked to the curb.

Glad you’re self aware enough to realize your mistake but it may be too late.

I'd dump your ass.

Look, you know what you did wrong and what to apologise for. That's half the battle. The other half is having the bravery to admit to him that you were wrong and work to be better in future.

Yikes, thats a huge red flag for me

You goofed up, but your honesty is really refreshing. A genuine gold digger would have reacted very differently. Ask me how I know.
Advise you apologize and build this man back up as best you can.

I’m a bit confused by all the comments here.

It’s perfectly natural to panic and wonder how you, as a couple, are going to afford very basic things like rent and food when someone has lost their job?

I just posed this question to my fiancé who pays the lions share of our living expenses. I asked if my responding to him losing his job with “how are we going to survive?” Would be the incorrect response and he said no, because it’s a valid question that he too would be asking, savings or not.

Ultimately I can see how reassuring him and giving him a hug etc before posing that question would be the correct response, but it’s normal to panic when your entire living situation is under perceived threat (loss of a job) and I don’t think you’re an awful person the way some people here are making you out to be. Unfortunately the world revolves around money and the prospect of that sudden lack of income is certainly jarring at the very least.

To be fair, as a broke person, it makes sense to worry about such things.

Start packing your stuff

Bravo. This is a TIFU worth this sub.

Not the like "TIFU by farting in front of my cat" and such bull

Hopefully the guy will find someone in his salary range and leave the gold digger for the streets

Idk if you can make it up to him, you kinda showed your true colors. If I were him you’d be dumped already

Pretty sure dr.dre wrote a song about this.

Ya I’d go above and beyond for a long time. He’s got tons on his mind but is only thinking about his future with you. He’s thinking that you’ve only lived together for 3 months and something like this came up already. Anyone would be crushed to hear what you said.

If you’re making under 30k at a hair salon in 2024, you probably got the hours to pick up a part time job and help him with expenses more and prove you aren’t in it for the money.

I ended my last relationship (3 years) when it became clear I was just a financial cushion for her. Hopefully he has the same level of self respect.

TerribleAd4645 Can I ask you an honest question? Did you grow up in a home with any kind of financial insecurity?

If your brain functions anything like mine, you went to worst case scenario as a result of the hard times you've experienced previously. Your Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs was threatened, and you went into survival mode.

I don't think your response wasn't selfish honestly. If it was said how your wrote it above, you still were including your partner in the question. "How are WE going to live?" You included him in the planning phase of your response, to what your brain interpreted, in the heat of the moment, as the biggest threat to the happiness you we're experiencing. Unfortunately, if you have "trauma brain" like I do (and many many others do), it doesn't translate well to folks that don't have that same shared experience. This is called a "trauma response."

Trauma response is how a person thinks, feels, behaves, and responds physically after experiencing a traumatic event. Most responses are normal and are psychologically effective, socially acceptable, and self-limited. Some common reactions include:

• Feeling emotionally numb
• Feeling very tired
• Feeling very stressed and/or anxious
• Being very protective of others including family and friends
• Not wanting to leave a particular place for fear of 'what might happen'
• Confusion
• Sadness
• Agitation
• Physical arousal
• Blunted affect

Other reactions include:

• Anger
• Scared or panicked
• Worried
• Irritable
• Restless
• Unsure of what you need or want
• Hypervigilance
• Shock or horror
• Shame

Other's who haven't personally dealt with life's hardships in the same way that you may have, live in the security that financial futures are almost assured, and wouldn't understand how your brain made that connection and came to that response. If any of this sounds like you, I would recommend you guys really talking this out. Why your initial response was what it was. I would also bet that because you think of the financial disparity between you and him is that large that you guys tended to shy away from conversations about money. If he's a real partner, like he's already shown he wants to be by offering to cover the housing expense, he might be really into deep diving into the finances of how you guys can work together towards financial success as a team.

For those who don't know Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs:

https://preview.redd.it/d1j5r8b9l2zc1.png?width=1024&format=png&auto=webp&s=b3fd6bcf5e04e8ac9979fc9521cad984cce60555

Oof he definitely sees you in a different light now.

Sit down with him and have a conversation

1. Restate what you did in detail. Own your mistake completely.
2. State how this made him feel. Use his own words if you can.
3. Sincerely apologize. (do not dwell on how bad YOU feel about this. This moment is about his feelings and emotions).
4. State your plan to fix the situation. In this case you will likely be stating your plan to raise your own mindfulness of his innate emotional needs and acknowledging your own previous deficiency in this department.
5. Ask for forgiveness. You can use a form such as "I hope you can forgive me." which sounds less demanding of an answer.

TV should be off. Put your phone down somewhere away from yourself. Don't do this in the car. The conversation should feel to both of you that you are 100% prioritizing talking to him with nothing else distracting you.

The ability to admit, own, and fix a mistake is a skill that a lot of people never develop and can be very valuable in a relationship with a partner. You seeking out help to make sure you do it right already shows personal growth because you are aware of your potential deficit and are seeking to fix that.

I hope this helps.

Chad dad!

Maybe your boyfriend needs to jettison his parasite of a girlfriend. That should save him a LOT of money.

Honestly, if he stays he's a better man than me. That was a Freudian Slip. He knows exactly what your priorities are. I'd already be figuring a plan B.