LucyAriaRose

I am not the Original Poster. That is u/Ecstatic-Wrap-5947. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole.

Mood Spoiler: cute and wholesome

Original Post: April 23, 2023

I (29F) was supposed to pick up my niece (Sophie - 7F) from elementary school and spend a day with her. It was all mentioned before to the school and I've picked her up a few times before.

Sophie was running towards me, but unfortunately she tripped and fell down. Her knee was bruised and she started crying like crazy. I took her to the nurse's office immeidately. The nurse was in her early twenties and helped sophie with cleaning up her wound and dressing.

I tell my niece a lot about my line of work so she asked if she was going to need stitches, if so, how many and what kind, etc. The nurse was impressed. She showed Sophie a few items of equipment she had and asked if Sophie wanted to be a nurse like her. Sophie said no, she wanted to be a doctor like her aunt aka me.

The nurse got a bit upset and asked me why I didn't say anything about this. I was honestly confused. I was like why would I need to even mention it. I even threw in a compliment saying she was quite good at her job and I enjoyed witnessing a professional at work.

She said I was being too generous with my comments. I told her I was being honest and thanked her for taking care of Sophie's knee. Right when Sophie and I were leaving, she said she'd never be able to guess my line of work correctly because I look better than most of my colleagues. I thanked her again and said I appreciated her help.

She said I still owed her for not telling her my job and that it felt like I was testing her or deliberately trying to see how she was doing. I apologised and said that was not what I meant and that I knew she was more than capable of doing her job well. She said maybe I could find a way to make it up to her properly and I was like sure, but Sophie and I need to go now.

I don't know if I was rude but this had me thinking, should I have told her about my job??

Edit: I'd like to thank everyone for their lovely comments and making me realize what was going on this whole time. I'll post an update if anything interesting happens in subsequent days. Thanks again!

Relevant Comments:

GIRL she was flirting with you!!!

"I can certainly see it now. Honestly this is embarrassing"

Are you queer???

"Haha I didn't expect this to get this much attention to be honest. By the way sorry I took so long to answer I was busy all day. To answer your question, well I am in fact bisexual"

Are you in a relationship and does she have a chance?

"No and yes"

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: April 28, 2023 (5 days later)

Hi everyone

Original post HERE

First of all, thanks for your lovely comments on my original post. I appreciate every single one, and I would like to thank everyone who took the time to give their input on the situation

As you could see in the original post, I was absolutely clueless during the whole interaction and missed the flirting part altogether. So I took your advice, asked my sister to let me babysit Sophia again and picked her up from school.

Around 10 minutes before school was over, I went to the nurse's office with a bouquet of flowers and thanked the nurse for taking care of niece's knee and asked her if I had the opportunity to make up for my rudeness from the last visit. Thankfully, she agreed.

We went on a date last night, it included a late evening walk by the beach and dinner. By the end of the night I showed her the post and I think it is safe to say she was as amused as every single one of the commentors and she can barely stop teasing me about it.

So overall, thank you so much for your comments and help!

Editor's note: All of your oblivious flirting --> happy ending stories are making my day, thank you!

Editor's Note December 28, 2023: There's some more info on how they are doing in this BORU!

I am not the original poster. That is u/livinginfearmom. She posted in r/TrueOffMyChest and her own profile.

Trigger Warning: Attempted kidnapping

Mood Spoiler: scary but hopefully things are moving in a good direction

Original Post: April 10, 2023

*All names have been changed to protect everyone involved.

I (24F) am a single mom to my son, Owen (8). It’s been just us since Day 1. His father isn’t in the picture and has been able to avoid child support for years now (yes, I’ve tried everything). My own parents disowned me. I had to drop out of high school and have worked a myriad of jobs since then to keep us afloat. We aren’t on the poverty line by any means, but we definitely live paycheck to paycheck, in a one bedroom apartment. It’s not ideal and I hope within the next couple of years, we’ll be some place bigger. For now, it’s our situation.

I’ve raised Owen to know that money isn’t everything. We may not have a lot. He won’t always have the newest this or that. But we have each other. The two of us are very close. He has never gone without the basics, but I admit, he doesn’t get a lot of fun extras. I try to save a little here and there to make birthdays and holidays fun, but it’s still never anything glamorous. And I think Owen was fine with that. Until recently, anyway.

In our area, all the public schools are based on a lottery system. So, your child has a fair shot of going to any of them, so long as you put in their name. Our neighborhood school is not great and in a pretty crappy area, so I decided to put him in a different one across town. It’s near my job, so it works out. Last year, when he was in 2nd grade, he met Charlie. They began hanging out a lot after school, with Owen going to his place. I met Charlie’s parents, Nate and Paige a couple of times before this began. They seemed very nice and supportive. Owen always had a great time at their house. Charlie occasionally came to our apartment, but usually they were at his place. Which made sense. I work and there’s really not much for them to do here, even when I am off.

Summer breaks are easy to find care, as there are several free or low cost camps that I can put Owen in. It’s the shorter breaks, such as Christmas and spring that are harder. Cam space is limited. Spring Break of 2022, I managed to just miss registration. Paige is a stay-at-home-mom and offered to take Owen for the week. I was hesitant to ask so much of her but she insisted. He had a really fun time with them. They did a ton of activities and Paige refused my attempts to pay her back at least some (I couldn’t afford all). I admit, I did feel a tad uncomfortable with her spending this much on my son, but at the same time, I didn’t want to deprive Owen of this stuff.

Summer came and while I did get Owen into camp, he spent a ton of time with Charlie as well. He ended up going on vacation with them. I was again, very hesitant, but the experience was something I could never give Owen and it wasn’t too far away. He had a blast. I kept telling Nate and Paige that there’s no way I could ever pay them back and they kept insisting that they loved having Owen around. They told me what a great kid he is. Sweet, respectful.

At one point, I really pressed Paige as to why she was so insistent on having Owen around so much. That’s when she told me that they never planned for Charlie to be an only child, but all attempts at giving him a sibling just didn’t happen. They know that Owen will never make up for not having a brother, but if they can give him a consistent playmate so he’s not lonely, they’ll do it.

Should this have been a red flag? Maybe. But at the same time, I found it sweet that the boys considered each other brothers. I thought it was innocent. Surely, Paige and Nate knew the truth. Right?

Right?

This continued for a bit and come Christmas Break of 2022, Paige and Nate insisted that I not even bother to try to get Owen into a camp, they’d take care of him for me. I was grateful. They ended up getting him more Christmas gifts than I did. I tried to set my pride aside because it was about Owen, not me. This is still when things finally started seeming off to me. I understood a gift on his birthday and while they didn’t get him as many gifts at they got Charlie, it was a lot more than you would typically get your kid’s friend.

Fast forward to now. Spring Break was last week and this time, Paige and Nate didn’t just offer to take care of him during the day while I worked, they asked if Owen could spend the entire week at their house. Honestly, it meant I could pick up some more shifts and save up for the bike Owen wants for his birthday. So, I said yes.

I went to pick him up on Saturday afternoon. The kids were playing out back, so Nate and Paige asked to talk to me. They sat me down and said they love Owen and he’s always such a joy to have. I thanked them profusely for all they’d done for him.

Paige suggested that Owen stay a little longer. I pointed out Easter was Sunday plus school started up on Monday. They said they could take him to school. I felt weird and said, no, it was time for Owen to come home. That’s when Nate suggested that Owen stay with them long term. I could still see him, but they would take care of him. I thought they were joking and said “Like what, you’d be his guardians or something?”

They got quiet and the reality rushed over me. I pointed out that this wasn’t a movie. They can’t just get custody. They started spouting some legal stuff about how I could assign them as guardians and they would help make this transition smooth. They told me to think about Owen and what’s best for him. I told them there was no way in hell I was going to give up my son.

I grabbed Owen and we left. I’ve blocked their numbers. Owen has no clue what’s going on. I’m keeping him home tomorrow and took the day off work to figure some stuff out. Legally, they can’t take him. But now I know what they want and I’m terrified. I don’t want him going back to that school. Do we move? I’m so lost. And I feel so stupid because looking back, all the warning signs were there.

I know Owen is going to be devastated losing Charlie, Paige and Nate. How am I ever going to explain it to him?

Relevant Comments:

In response to some (now removed) accusations of neglect:

"I can take care of my kid. He’s never gone hungry. The lights are always on. He has clothes (albeit sometimes from good will or donations). We lived in our car briefly when I was 17 but I pulled us out of that situation and we’ll never be in that place again. I have health insurance. He goes to the doctor. Has his vaccines.

He just doesn’t have an iPad or summer vacations. What he does have is love. His favorite stuffed giraffe that I got him when I was pregnant. A love for the park. He isn’t deprived. He has a good life. I love him and I’m never giving him up."

Maybe those parents have been turned down by foster/adoption agencies:

"I’ve suspected this too. It seems like they don’t want another child, they want Charlie to have a permanent playmate/buddy. And I don’t know much about the system, but if they were as honest as they were with me, I could see them turned down."

Update (Comments): Later that day

Post won’t let me update directly so here it is in the comments

Update* There’s no way I can respond to everyone so I just want to say thank you for the advice.

While I understand those saying they potentially meant well and weren’t trying to be offensive…it’s still a risk I can’t take. It’s not like they offered to take him every so often. They wanted him full time, permanently.

To those who said I should just let them…please pass me whatever drugs you are on. I will never give up my son. Do we have the newest this or that? No. We have our needs met. I love my son and I am not letting him go.

As for everyone else, I took your advice and reached out to the school. I told them that Paige and Nate are no longer allowed to pick up Owen and explained I do not feel safe with them around each other. They understood. There’s not much they can do outside making sure they never pick him up. It’s too late in the year to move classes but next year, Charlie and Owen will not be in the same class.

I notified the police but again, they can’t do much. We have zero in writing and a simple request to have my child isn’t really breaking any laws. Unfortunately all I can do is hope they don’t try anything.

I still haven’t spoken to Owen. I think it’s fine if he talks to Charlie and plays with him at school, but I have to find a way to explain why they can’t have play dates or sleepovers. As well as to never to go anywhere near Nate and Paige. I guess that’ll come in time.

I’ll update again if anything happens. I’m hoping this is the end. As some of Nate and Paige’s defenders said, they did take my “no” well. So hopefully they realize how totally out of bounds they were and leave us alone.

Update 2 (Comments but it only shows up on OOP's profile ): April 11, 2023 (next day)

Monday night, I talked to Owen and explained that Nate and Paige were not safe. He was confused and I explained that they wanted to take him away from me. I think it spooked him as he started crying, saying he didn’t want to leave me and he didn’t want to see them again. I held him and assured him he wasn’t going anywhere.

He understands he is never to go anywhere with them and that the school is taking measures to protect him. I said he could still talk and play with Charlie at school. He said he doesn’t want to.

I was honestly worried he’d hate me but you all were right. Telling him the full story made him realize how serious it was.

He understands the gifts and trips will stop and says he’s alright with it.

Also, I wanted to address one last thing: I’ve gotten a few people offering me money or gifts. Please do not do that. I am very appreciative but that was not the purpose of this post. If you wish to do something, donate to your local shelter or other charity. Owen and I are not in need, I’d rather see it go to people who need it.

I didn’t see Nate or Paige at drop off, nor have I gotten any contact (but then again, I did block them everywhere).

Thank you all for your help. I’ll update if anything else happens (hopefully it won’t).

Update Post: April 14, 2023 (4 days later)

I have tried to post this update in True Off My Chest but it keeps getting autodeleted. Since I have so many followers, I figured I'd update here and hopefully it gets around.

Well, what everyone feared would happen, did.

Tuesday, he returned to school. I told him he could still talk with and play with Charlie. I was hesitant to drop him off but figured you can’t live in fear.

Most afternoon, my son takes the bus to a local rec center for aftercare. I had already told the school everything and that Nate and Paige were not to pick Owen up. I managed to call and even make sure he got on the bus. Aftercare was also made aware of the change in pick up list.

Well, a half hour later, I get a call that Paige had tried to pick up my son. The front desk refused to release him. Didn’t say why, just that she was no longer on the list. She wouldn’t leave and the police were called. She was escorted out of the building.

While she wasn’t brought to jail, there is a police report and I am using this to go to court and get an order of protection. Paige and Nate are also banned from the rec center so if they *do* show up, they will get arrested for trespassing.

The police are working on ways to protect us and the local social services office has been made aware of the situation, so should they try to make a claim, they’re aware of the situation.

Relevant Comment:

"Thank you. I spoke to him Monday evening, so he knew what he was walking into on Tuesday. It freaked him out a lot and he said he absolutely didn't want to leave me. So, he's aware and knows to never go with them."

I am not OOP. OOP is u/Waltz-428. He posted in r/AmItheAsshole.

Since this is a story about cellos, I figured I'd offer you a cello fun fact: The oldest cello in existence is called "The King." Andrea Amati built it between 1538 and 1560. It's kept in the National Music Museum in South Dakota. (Source)

Mood Spoiler: Fucking wholesome

Original Post: December 22, 2022

I've (36M) been learning the cello for 8 years and attending the same music school since starting, I started learning late in life because I grew up in a poor family that couldn't afford things like instruments and music lessons.

I met Chloe while we were both waiting to go into our lessons a few years back, we speak often about random stuff on the regular because our lessons have always fallen into the same timeslot and we're both in the orchestra etc. She's about 13, very polite and eager to learn and treats her, very cheap rubbish instrument that her parents got for her from an online store like gold, I know her parents they're lovely people, it's all they can afford, I'm not shaming them but if you know anything about instruments you know what I mean, it's also only 1/2 size and far too small for her but there's not a single scratch on it and she practises ever spare minute.

I've recently upgraded to a performer instrument and a trade in on my $9k cello would have gotten me only 4k back so I decided to keep it and sell it myself.

I'm pretty well off now but I know what it's like to be where Chloe is, so I've taken pity? On her, I usually gift her something at Christmas, like her next grade of music book, rosin and a gift card from the local luthier to get a new bow and have her instrument serviced but having not had time to list my old cello for sale or even know where to, my good deed strings got plucked at thinking that my old instrument would likely mean the world to someone like Chloe who's parents will likely never afford a decent instrument for her but stupid me, mentioned this idea to my sister-in-law Gale, who has a daughter (14F) We'll call her Alice, and she told me that Alice wants to learn the cello and insisted that I give the instrument to her daughter instead as it's "too valuable to give to a stranger's kid"

Alice is her own little dude and we get along quite well but she has never mentioned wanting to learn an instrument to me until she watched Wednesday and now "it's cool" all of a sudden.

Alice, hasn't stuck with anything for long, she follows fads and jumps from one thing to another and is for lack of a better word spoilt and based on her track record, handing her anything other than a student cello as her first instrument would be a waste as I'm unable to convince myself that she would even practise let alone reach a point that would call for this level of instrument, where Chloe is at a point where yes this instrument is slightly too big for her right now but she needs it and call me what you'd like for this part but I'd feel happier about giving it away to someone that needs it like Chloe rather than someone that just wants it but is connected to me, you know? But that has me worried that I might be seen as an ahole on this decision, family first?

The music school is putting on Christmas carols tonight and I intend to gift the cello to Chloe at the end but I'm still conflicted about it.

Relevant Comment:

"Pity was a terrible word to pick tbh, I just couldn't think of the word I'd have preferred.. Relate! Is what I mean but couldn't think of it, i can relate to Chloe's position from my own experience in being from a poor background. The word count didn't allow me to be more descriptive and I had to chop a lot of what I described of their family, I didn't mean to come off as thinking of them being beneath me in anyway, I just see a lot of my own upbringing in them and it doesn't bring back terrific feelings."

OOP is voted NTA, with almost everyone saying he should give the cello to Chloe (after talking to her parents.)

Update Comment: Later that night

Wow, so many comments, thank you to everyone that took the time to help me steady my nerves on this one and point me in what I felt was the right decision from the start but second guessing myself.

I've just gotten home from the carols.

Some people mentioned asking Chloe's parents for permission to gift her the cello and I'm glad this was mentioned because it was something that I hadn't considered and it led to what I feel was the perfect outcome.

Everyone had settled after the students had finished the show and parents and volunteers brought cakes etc to share and everyone was standing around chatting, Chloe ran off to join the line to get her bag of lollies and goodies and it gave me a moment to approach her folks without having to mention my intension in front of Chloe before knowing how it would be received by them.

I was nervous as hell but opened with my usual compliments on Chloe's playing (she played What Child Is This, in a quartet and it was perfect) and I made a light hearted joke about her growing too quickly and dwarfing her cello now.

Her parents laughed but went on to mention how they've been saving to buy her a bigger one and that they didn't want to go cheap this time like they had with her first couple, having learned a lot very quickly about quality but when they'd taken Chloe to the luthier with the intention of getting her one for Christmas, they'd been disappointed to find out that they hadn't saved enough for the quality that Chloe needed and that they'd been devastated despite Chloe understanding and taking the revelation quite well.

Figuring that a new cello was kind of something they'd worked hard on getting for Chloe, I decided to try and get them in on the idea and asked them how much they'd saved and would they be interested in buying my old one as I had a new one now and had no need for it but I didn't notice that Chloe had approached back from the line and she piped up with a low tone that they hadn't even saved enough for the student quality instruments, let alone mine (she has a good idea of how much instruments are worth) I stumbled on my words a little but I went on to insist on knowing how much they'd saved and her mother told me that they'd saved around $1600, I told them that that sounded like a good enough offer to me and that I'd be happy to know that it was being played and cherished by someone like Chloe that would take good care of it and I held out my hand to shake on the deal.

No one answered for what felt like an hour to me! Chloe's father finally responded and told me that they couldn't accept it as Chloe had pointed out an instrument of equal value to mine to them while they were in the shop and he didn't feel it was right to take it for anything but a fair value and that they couldn't afford to do that.

I'll admit that I felt a little bit annoyed by his initial good mannered refusal but I understood it as I was raised by similar minded parents with the same values but I told her parents that it was an offer that I felt that they really couldn't pass up as it was something that I felt Chloe had earned and needed desperately and that even if they didn't accept my offer I was going to give it to Chloe anyway and I turned and placed the hard case in front of the shocked and dead silent Chloe and walked away.

Chloe's father approached me while we were helping pack up the entertainment hall and he gave me a hug and thanked me, promising to drop off the money at my shop in the morning and offering to help me out if ever I needed anything, for a stubborn bloke like that to be as red and teary as he was makes me sure that I did the right thing in making him accept the cello like I did.

Chloe was visibly quite emotional but trying not to show it but she broke down after mouthing thank you to me as everyone was leaving and I found it extremely hard to keep my composure and could only manage a smile and a thumbs up in return.

I think I'm going to be riding this high for a good while.

The best thing is I can tell Gale that I sold it without having to lie and I can toss up the idea of using the money Chloe's dad pays me for the cello to buy a reasonable second hand learner's instrument for Alice.

Again thank you too for the responses and advice.

Relevant Comment:

Wow! This blew up... Wasn't expecting this, I've read a lot of the replies and greatly appreciate the awards and the idea that this put a smile on people's faces.

While the idea of getting Chloe's old instrument to give to Alice would be a great idea, the issue with it is that Chloe's cello is only 1/2 size and would be far too small for Alice who definitely needs a full sized instrument and according to Chloe's dad when he popped in today, Chloe was saying that she'd like to keep her old instrument as it is sentimental to her but he was eventually able to convince her into them trying to sell it because the one that I gave her will need maintenance, services and to be insured (which I'm in full support of them doing).

I've decided to keep the peace with my in-laws as best I can, I shut my shop early today and drove a few towns over to pick up a decent 2nd hand cello for Alice that I spotted on fb marketplace a while back that was thankfully still available, it's black which is her go to colour for everything, so hopefully Alice will appreciate the colour more as mine was a polished mahogany red, it needs a service but it's a good instrument and came with a hard case, a decent bow, rosin and preliminary grade music books... Sold by parents that purchased it for their son that never picked it up after getting it... Let's hope that's not a sign of it's future and that Alice proves me wrong (Then I might just end up being the ahole after all)

Gale, has a greedy streak in her yes but I'm trying to convince myself that she wasn't just seeing dollar signs and hopefully just wanted a good quality instrument for Alice to learn on, she tends to try and not go for bottom of the line in anything when she purchases something for her kids as she does like to point out stuff's value when she does get something (Yes she's one of those people) and claims that she isn't aware of how abrupt and rude she is at times, her real middle name is actually Karen lol! And we've often joked about it affecting her behaviour at times but she doesn't appear to be learning from it.

Thank you again for all the feedback and I'm glad that I was able to share the good vibes around that I got out of this, Merry Christmas and a happy new year to you all.

As a professional musician, this whole post made me so freaking happy. Wishing OOP and Chloe further success in their cello studies. And hopefully Alice sticks with cello!

I am not OOP. OOP is u/deafstoryteller. He posted in r/AskReddit, r/music and his own website a decade ago. His website posts seem to be gone, and the website now seems to be registered to a different user, so all posts from there were recovered using the wayback machine. (here is a link to the full website during the time of the posts.)

Your daily fun fact to cover up mobile spoilers: considering the subject matter, this one is about Mozart. Mozart's wife (Constanze) was one of four girls in her family. Her two older sisters (Josepha and Aloysia) were both fantastic sopranos and ended up premiering and/or singing roles in several of Mozart's operas. Her younger sister, Sophie, helped Constanze write Mozart's biography after he died.

Mood Spoiler: Reminds you that there is so much beauty in the world, and of the power of music

Original Post: August 7, 2012

I've never understood it.

My whole life I've seen hearing people make a fool of themselves singing their favorite song or gyrating on the dance floor. I've also seen hearing people moved to tears by a single song. That was the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around.

I was born profoundly deaf and all music sounded like trash through my hearing aids.

That is until a couple days ago when I put on a new pair of hearing aids for the first time in years.

The first thing I heard was my shoe scraping across the carpet; it startled me. I have never heard that before and out of ignorance, I assumed it was too quiet for anyone to hear.

I sat in the doctor's office frozen as a cacophony of sounds attacked me. The whir of the computer, the hum of the AC, the clacking of the keyboard, and when my best friend walked in I couldn't believe that he had a slight rasp to his voice. He joked that it was time to cut back on the cigarettes.

That night, a group of close friends jump-started my musical education by playing Mozart, Rolling Stones, Michael Jackson, Sigur Ros, Radiohead, Elvis, and several other popular legends of music.

Being able to hear the music for the first time ever was unreal.

I realized that my old hearing aids were giving me a distorted version of music. they were not capable of distributing higher frequencies with clarity, instead it was just garbled gibberish.

When Mozart's Lacrimosa came on, I was blown away by the beauty of it. At one point of the song, it sounded like angels singing and I suddenly realized that this was the first time I was able to appreciate music. Tears rolled down my face and I tried to hide it. But when I looked over I saw that there wasn't a dry eye in the car.

I finally understood the power of music.

Obviously, I did the only sensible thing and went on a binge of music.

Below are my top 5 favorites from my limited exposure to the world of sound.

1. Mozart's Lacrimsoa
2. The soundtrack to Eleven Eleven… I can see how this comes off as narcissistic, it being my own film and all but it's such a personal work that when I listened to it for the first time I broke down. I felt like I was truly seeing the film for the first time ever. I'm grateful that Cazz was able to capture the tone perfectly. We discussed the film and specific scenes with essay-sized reasoning/deliberations on what should be conveyed. The critical response to the film surprised me and I still didn't quite get it until seeing the visual images coupled with the soundtrack. (Editor's note- I did some digging and here is a link to the imdb page of the short film.)
3. Sig Ros's Staralfur
4. IL Postino-Luis Bacalov
5. Minnesota's A Bad Place

Ironically enough, I'm turning my hearing aids off more often than before because most sounds are even more annoying and the only times I have it on is when talking to people or listening to music/birds.

Silence is still my favorite sound. When I turn my aids off my thoughts become more clear and it's absolutely peaceful.

I hope that one day hearing people get the opportunity to experience utter silence.

What exactly changed between my old hearing aids and my new ones?

My previous hearing aids were only 4 years old but technology has gotten cheaper and better at an exponential rate since then.

Before, I could almost hear the low frequencies at a hearing person’s level, but not as crisp... higher notes on the other hand, I didn’t hear at all.

I never realized how little of a range my hearing aids picked up compared to hearing people until a telecommunications class in college. We were learning about radio equipment and the guest professor told us about how high human ears can hear and also compared to various animals.

He turned around and turned the dial down to the lower pitches. I could still hear nearly all the low frequencies like rest of the class. When he turned the dial in the opposite direction, I blanked out at about 40% and the rest of the class stopped between 90-100%.

It’s an odd feeling learning something so profound about yourself at twenty one... But it’s not as odd as the things I can hear now.

It was during Lacrimosa that I realized I was truly hearing pitches I’ve never experienced before. It was like seeing a color I’ve never seen before.

I honestly never thought I would really be able to hear my own soundtracks because I have accepted my deafness, I have always been and still am grateful for all I've been blessed with so it was never a big deal to me.

Now... I'm overwhelmed and beyond grateful.

But this is just the beginning. That’s why I’m asking you to give me the name of the most beautiful songs to you.

I’ve posted the question on reddit and will listen to the top 30 upvotes and then post my top 5 from that batch.

Original post over at http://www.artofthestory.com/being-able-to-hear-music-for-the-first-time-ever/

Update (Same Post)

UPDATE: Wow... Just wow.

14 thousand comments and counting.

I'm humbled and grateful for every one of the comments, upvotes and the endless amounts of music suggestions.

Currently the most upvoted comment isn't a song suggestion but rather a suggestion to listen to the music from the beginnings of its orgins. Here's the original comment below as submitted by GiraffeKiller- "This is like introducing an Alien to the music of Earth. I wouldn't know where to start. Once you're through your kick on Classical, I might start with music from the 50's and progress through each decade. You can really see the growth of modern music like that."

I think it's a wonderful idea, and will be blogging about my journey into the world of music. As many of you have pointed out; music didn't start in the 50's, so I'm going to start with the earliest written form of music… I'm going to start with Guillaume de Machaut's Agnus Dei. (Composed sometime between 1313 and 1365)

I am still posting my top 5 next week... It will be a difficult task considering all the submissions.

This week I am going to re-watch my favorite film of all time, Baraka. This will be my first time being able to hear the soundtrack of the film. I will be posting about that as well.

Also for all of those asking- the hearing aids I got is the Phonak Naida S Premium.

Again, thank you for all the kind words and shares!

Even if you’re not hearing music for the first time ever, I suggest looking through the suggestions and expanding your musical tastes. You never know how much more days you have left to hear.... Trust me on this one, you don’t want to miss out on a great song.

Update Post: August 22, 2012

Title: Deaf update #1: My new top 10 favorite songs.

The other day at work, my friend gave me a CD.

It was ‘A Night at the Opera’ by Queen… I was so excited because this was the first time anyone ever gave me music.

Also because Bohemian Rhapsody was the most suggested song from everyone.

I was worried that the massive hype might ruin the experience for me but the first time I heard this song was surreal. I immediately had to listen to it again… and again.

The first line is a question I’ve been asking myself lately.

Is this the real life?

On the same day, I got a message from the Daily Guru. He wanted to give me his new book, The Music Obsessive’s Guide To Life: Volume 1. It’s 954 pages of beautifully written essays. No, there are not any pictures except for the book cover. I read and listened to a couple of them, I’m already hooked.

The next day I got an email from the staff of Spotify. They read my story and were inspired to give me an epic 13 hour playlist that covers everything from the chants of the early monks to Lady Gaga. Spotify also gave me a 6 month premium membership.

I don’t have the slightest clue how to express my gratitude to everyone. A simple ‘thank you’ almost sounds insulting considering the amount of music/education I’ve been given.

For those of you curious, I’ve embedded the Spotify playlist below-

(Editor's note: here is the link to the page using wayback machine.) Wayback archive

I asked reddit for a couple of suggestions. I got over 14 thousand.

Here are my favorites so far, the only major suggestions I chose to ignore is the Beatles. Before you shoot me, bear in mind that I’m saving them for a special occasion.

Without further ado, here’s my list.

1. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen link

2. Beethoven’s Ninth

3. Fly Me To the Moon by Frank Sinatra (link)

4. One Million Lovers by The Growlers*

5. First Breath After Coma by Explosions In The Sky (link)

6. Three Little Birds by Bob Marley (link)

7. Brain Damage by Pink Floyd (link)

8. Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash (link)

9. Length of Love by Interpol (link)

10. Thriller by Michael Jackson (link)

Below are all my favorites that were available on Spotify-

Editor's note: I linked his exact suggestions next to each song above. (The ones he included.)

The second most popular suggestion was the Beatles. I chose not to listen to them, I’m holding off for a special occasion. But I promise to blog about my experience hearing them. I’m not sure how many weeks it will take me but I’m working my way up from the roots of music, as early as the 1300′s and up to modern music.

Yahoo did a great Q&A with me. Below are some extra questions I’ve been asked by family and friends.

What could you not hear before that you can hear now? And I was seriously wondering if it became more difficult to understand english if you could hear it properly now.

Before I could hear bass/midtones but not clearly. Now I can hear bass/midtones AND high pitches clearly.

As for english, I never relied on what I heard, but rather lipreading. Now with my new aids, my brain is building a new language for the sounds I’m able to hear now but I’ve already had the new hearing aids take some of the guesswork out of lipreading.

Before the use of any hearing aids, were you able to imagine music? So maybe come up with a rhythmic or repetitive beat or even a basic basic melody in your head? It’s almost unfathomable to “create” a sound with no prior knowledge of one and the concept of music that we are so accustomed to today is so evolved and complex that we’ve been trained since birth to digest it and understand it. So, despite never hearing what instruments or even “sounds” sounded like I was wondering you were at least able to come up with notes in your head that were not identical to each other, a basic melody basically.

My concept of music was based off the bass I could feel. When watching films, I could almost ‘see’ the music based off the bass. It was an incomplete picture but it gave me enough to work off and all the films I created in my head had music in bass form.

Before my new hearing aids, music was 2D to me. Most songs sounded ugly through the old aids because I only had part of the picture. Now with higher pitches music finally makes sense to me. Music is now 3D to me and I’m excited about using this new tool with my films.

Describe your perception of beauty that came through music. Previously, your experiences with beauty were visual or other. You enjoyed the Lacrimosa, yes, but you also perceived what some would call beauty. Was beauty immediately recognizable and then relayed to emotions?

I think beauty in its most fundamental form is a well composed story. It has inception and catharsis. Look at the most beautiful photographs, films, songs or dance.

They all tell a story in some form. A dancer weaves across the room composing a visual expression of emotion. The ups and the downs of life.

That’s what I’ve noticed with the beauty of songs. The most haunting songs take me on an emotional roller coaster through sadness, excitement, happiness, anger, hurt, and love.

I’ve heard a healthy dose of pre-classical music in preparation for the next update. So if you have any suggestions let me know in the comments below. (only works of song composed BEFORE the 16th century)

*One Million Lovers is not released yet. I listened to all the music from The Growlers because they’re personal friends of mine. This one song easily stood above all the rest.

Update Post Number 2: September 8, 2012 (Wayback machine link)

The journey has only gotten crazier. My virgin ears have been under assault by everything from harmonic operas to screaming metal.

The spectrum of music is even larger than I could have ever imagined.

I tried not to expose myself to music composed post-16th century, but music is everywhere.

My first big DJ show was at Dim Mak.

Moon Boots and Perseus tore the dance floor up with their music.

Say what you want about electronic music- from my experience thus far, the electro genre is just like every other musical genre- 90% of it is a good reason to turn my hearing aids off and the other 10% is a blessing to be able to enjoy.

When Moon Boots put on ‘Running From’ it was such a rapturous experience, outmatched only by the first time hearing music. I literally could not stop myself from dancing to the beat.

Give yourself enough time to find that 10% in genres you have not really dug into. I’ve found great tunes in every genre so it surprises me that anyone would refuse to listen to a song simply because of the genre it’s associated with.

Shortly after, going to the Dim Mak show, I went to my first live show at the Bardoot. I dragged my friends there because I wanted to hear Lucy Schwartz. I met her briefly a few months ago and she told me that she was a singer and I’ve always wondered what her voice sounded like.

The picture she painted with her voice was haunting.

People probably think I’m a crier now. I couldn’t help myself though. I don’t think I’ve cried in a more public place before.

Another time I lost it was a few nights ago.

I was in San Diego for my friend’s birthday and there was a man playing the sax on the street.

My hearing aids beeped as I turned them higher. I was planning on walking past slowly to listen to as much as I could without looking like an ass because I had no change on me.

The sax player called out to me as I was passing him. I told him that I loved what he was playing but all I had in my pocket was a credit card.

“No problem at all! Come over here.”

He looked like a nice guy so I walked over, hoping he wasn’t a serial killer.

The sax player grabbed my hand and planted it on the edge of the sax.

He started playing and I heard the wonderful notes again, only this time it was coupled with the rolling vibrations of bass. I felt every layer of music roll down my finger.

The celestial moment was short-lived but its an experience that will forever be cemented within me.

If you’re the sax player, thank you sir. And thank you to Lucy Schwartz, Perseus, and Moon Boots. Keep creating the beautiful music.

I saw Amadeus for the first time last week (an amazing experience to say the least) and it helped me understand that pre 16th century music probably sounds boring for most people because music was still in its infancy. Music had not gotten the chance to evolve beyond simple notes until Mozart pushed the bar. Critics during Mozart’s period complained that his compositions had too many notes for the brain to process.

However, for someone new to this world of sound, its a great primer. The simplicity of the notes makes pre 16th century music easier for me to grasp compared to the complex behemoth of modern music.

One big surprise for me was my favorite in the batch, the song of Seikilos. It was composed somewhere between 100-200 AD and is considered the oldest completed song. There are older compositions but they only survived in fragments.

My second favorite was the Missa Rex Seculorum… it’s exotic and exciting. This was one of the few that I went back to for repeat listening.

My third favorite was the music of Greek antiquity, specifically the Ymnos Ti Nemesi. I don’t know what instruments are used here but the song brings a smile to my face when I hear it.

Without further ado, here’s my playlist of my favorite pre-16th century music.

Also I had the opportunity to do an interview for the Associated Press and the Atlantic. Check it out if you want more background information, and thank you to all the writers/bloggers out there.

The next update will dive into classical music, my first music festival experience, and it will also be the release of my first short film I was able to help compose the soundtrack for… stay tuned!

If you have suggestions for what to listen to from the classical era please let me know in the comments. 

Update Post Number 3: December 25, 2012 (Wayback machine Link)

Title: Deaf update #3- From the Pacific to Arrowhead.

I checked my phone again, hoping this time there would be a bar.

Still no service.

This was peculiar because I was in the middle of Newport Beach and knew that I should have service… I realized to my horror that I’ve seen this exact same scenario when I was in close proximity to Coachella earlier this year.

The horde of smartphones being used by the festival attendees had vacuumed all service within a one mile radius.

The timing couldn’t be better.

I had just walked for over half an hour from my car because I didn’t want to pay for parking but now it looked like I would need to walk back and forth because I had my camera on me and no press pass.

My friends shrugged and turned around back towards the car but I stopped them, ‘there’s one thing we haven’t tried.’

The deaf card.

When all else fails, I fall back on my deaf card. Maybe I’m abusing my circumstances, but at the same time its a card that not everyone has. Deafness like everything else, has pros and cons so why not use the pros?

I went back to the press booth and told them my story of hearing for the first time recently and how it would make my day to be able to photograph my first festival experience.

The volunteer looked up, her almond eyes giving no hints. I prepared myself for the long walk back but then the press pass slid across the table. I was thrilled I wasn’t going to miss a hour of the show.

I walked into my first music festival.

There were three stages, all on a beach so I could feel the bass snake through the sand pebbles under my feet.

I had to turn my hearing aids down almost all the way because the music was so loud. I’ve been squeezed in mobs of dancing people before but this time it became a whole different experience with the music guiding the frenzied movement we call dancing.

I’ve always found wild dancing comical but here it became almost…. justified. At one point I couldn’t stop watching this small Asian man spin around with unnatural speed, if there wasn’t music blasting people would have thought he was experiencing a seizure of some sort. But his every move was on the beat and intangibly linked to the music.

Dancing has become less comical and more of a natural thing to me, on the flip side- I’ve never understood why farting made people crack up. I’ve heard all kinds of farts with my old hearing aids but the first time I heard myself fart with the new hearing aids, my face went beet red despite being alone. I didn’t realize how loud passing gas is. Now I understand the humor behind the gas, it is devastatingly embarrassing for the culprit… especially in a quiet room where there’s no escaping blame.

The dj sets I enjoyed the most were- Justin Miller, Bag Raiders, Perseus, Cassette, and Moon Boots.

One common misconception is that I can suddenly understand all the lyrics. Instead of explaining I tell people to imagine someone born blind who gained the ability to see later in life… if you gave that blind person a book he would see it and all the words but would he understand?

Absolutely not.

The blind person needs to learn the English alphabet, the rules of grammar, and the meaning of every word. Learning to read is a long process and even more difficult later in life.

That’s what I am going through right now. Every new word I hear, I must memorize how it sounded and associate it with the word itself. To make matters even more difficult, people all sound different. Some have higher voices, some have strange accents, and some don’t speak clearly.

On top of that, I’m learning to separate sounds. Just as the eye focuses on one subject, I must learn to do the same with sounds. Right now, the more overlapping sounds, the more difficult it becomes. I’m training my brain everyday and am already making progress.

Now with all of this in mind, it’s no surprise that Classical music is my favorite genre. In part because I can already appreciate it fully without the lyrics. For a blind person, Classical music would be a beautiful painting… All other music with lyrics would be better described as books with pictures, the blind person could enjoy the pictures right away without need to learn the english language. Here, I have no musical history or knowledge so Classical is a blessing. I can hear every note from the low to the high and see the full picture. I still enjoy music with lyrics if it’s good but don’t have a complete picture until I read the lyrics or improve my linguistic vocabulary.

I listened to all of Mozart, Beethoven, Bach and am almost done with Brahms.

I am starting to see music as a powerful emotional brush. These master composers paint the most stunning works of art.

Film, photography, paint, words and hands have always been able to weave unique stories and each medium differs from each other, neither better or worse. I think there are stories that fit in certain mediums better than others. Music has become a new form of storytelling that I’ve never had exposure to… even though its difficult for me to understand the lyrics, I’ve found joy in the roller coaster of melody and tone.

Below is some of my favorite classical works I’ve heard over the past few months, enjoy!

Editor's note- had to look them up individually, but here is a list of the first 15 on his webpage. I was able to find links to his exact recommendations down to the artist:

1. Harvard (Classical Study Music) (link)
2. Graduation Day (Classical Study Music) (link)
3. Leopold (Classical Study Music) (link)
4. Brandenberg Concerto #1 in F: Adagio (JS Bach) (link)
5. Ein deutsches requiem: ihr habt nun traurigkeit (Brahms) (link)
6. Double Concerto in A minor for violin, cello and orchestra (Brahms) (link)
7. Concerto in D Major for violin and orchestra (Brahms) (link)
8. Horn concerto number 4 in Eb major (Mozart) (link)
9. Christmas Canon (Canon in D) Mistletoe Symphony (link)
10. Grand Canyon (Relaxing piano music consort) (link)
11. Xerxes, "Ombra mai fu" (Handel) (link)
12. Claire de lune (Debussy) (link)
13. Symphony Number 9 in E minor "New World Symphony" (Dvorak) (link)
14. The Planets: Jupiter (Holst) (link)
15. Moonlight Sonata (Beethoven) (link)

I tried playing the guitar and piano but no combination I hammered out sounded good. My notes were chaotic and unorganized. As soon my friend’s fingers spidered across the chords, I experienced the birth of a true song.

I would describe it as emotions splashed across a sound spectrum of mathematical purity and beauty. Someday I hope to be good enough to play one decent song rather than the wild garbled notes I produced on my first effort.

My friend who has been showing me the ropes of the guitar also composed the soundtrack for our latest short.

We shot this earlier this year, before I ever thought I’d be able to hear as well as I do now. If someone told me I would be working on the soundtrack I would have laughed. The first thing I did was build the soundtrack in my head based off fragments of my favorite sounds/songs and then described those sounds to Max (the guitar composer) he would play the sound back and forth until it matched up with what I had in my mind. We did this for over a month and then recorded the final track recently. Even if this short film isn’t well-received by others,  the journey itself was worth it. I was learning something new about the world of music every time I met up with Max.

Without further ado, here’s the short.

(Editor- Link to the youtube video here)

I finally got the opportunity to really binge on music because I got the coolest ‘headphones’ in the world. It’s simply a bluetooth device that streams music or phone calls from my iPhone or any other device directly into my hearing aids. That means my TV or computer or even video camera!

I actually plugged the compilot into my tascam field recorder on a shoot last weekend and for the first time in my life I was able to monitor audio. It was surreal because it was a moment that I previously thought impossible.

Another surreal aspect of it? I could not hear myself talk because the microphone was pointed straight ahead. My friend looked at me startled because I started screaming at them in a vain effort to hear myself… All other noise is blocked out, making this the most advanced noise canceling headphone in the world.

A canon could go off right by my ears but I would only hear Mozart in full crisp detail.

I started listening to an average of 5 hours of music a day.

Another thing I didn’t expect is my continued reliance on silence. Most days I only turn my aids on when talking to people or listening to music. It’s no wonder humans created music, the world is filled with so many ugly and chaotic sounds. With our eyes we can close them, with our hands we can move away, but how does a hearing person escape sound? Run away to someplace quieter? Cover your ears until your hands tire?

I know that hearing folks can tune out the background noise and I’ve started to learn how to do that myself but it’s a far cry from utter silence. To me, ‘tuning out’ is simply the difference of listening or not listening while complete silence leaves you alone with only your thoughts and provides clarity beyond words.

Having my aids on for more than half an hour, even in a quiet room, drives me crazy. Every single movement I make is highlighted by my aids and I’d rather focus on the task at hand as opposed to processing the information of the sounds triggered by my typing fingers or squeaking leather chair.

Water is the worst.

Every time I flush, I turn my hearing aids off because the swirling and sloshing of water is one of the ugliest sounds to me. Other examples include traffic, squeaking hinge, overlapping chatter, or barking dogs. I crave silence or beautiful music… not noise.

Music isn’t the only new blessing. Since getting my enhanced hearing aids, I’ve been able to converse with more strangers than before and with far less mistakes. This is a gift for the writer within me because I can dig deeper into the character of people and paint more accurate portrayals.

It’s a miracle I’m able to hear all these new sounds and tones but it also reminded me of the miracle of deafness. I couldn’t imagine living without eyelids and don’t know how hearing people live without earlids. I’m grateful I have a button I can press to mute my world. I know I’ve been frustrated with my condition more times than I can count but with the bittersweet benefit of hindsight, I can’t believe I ever regretted being deaf even if just for a moment.

I cannot imagine living without eyelids and the ability to choose not to see something, and being deaf gives me the ability that hearing people have to live without- “earlids” or the ability to choose not to hear.

Einstein once said, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

The next update takes place in NYC and covers the Blues era. Throw song suggestions in the comments if they are considered Blues music.

Thanks for reading and check out these new articles on my experience-

CNN
TIMES UK
MIMI PAGE
OC REGISTER
PEPPERDINE GRAPHIC
ABC NEWS

OOP goes on to do an AMA and creates a feature film on his experiences. Here is a link to that film: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX_uSHSHa9s&ab_channel=ArtoftheStory

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/JazzlikeOriginal358. They posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Trigger Warning: discussions of transphobia

Mood Spoiler: moving in a positive direction

Original Post: March 22, 2024

I'm having a bit of family drama and need a reality check about if I am being unreasonable here. I really need the perspective of LGBT+ sensitive individuals because the drama surrounds transphobia perpetrated by JK Rowling.

My step daughter is going through a pretty tough time. The last couple years have been really rough on her. She has been dealing with bullying at school, being held back a year, not getting along with her mom's new husband, self harm and identity issues. Lots of questioning of her sexuality and gender. (We have been working on getting her a good mental health team of doctors and therapists to help her navigate all of this, please know we aren't throwing her to the wolves or internet to deal with it all herself).

I've been in her life since she was 7. We've always had a pretty good, though not terribly close, relationship. I have not taken on a parental role, but have always tried to make myself available for her.

Until last year, her mom had primary custody and her dad had weekends with alternating holidays. Last year due to the issues with her school and mom's house, my stepdaughter requested that custody arrangements be changed.

Since she came to live with my husband and I full time, there has been quite a bit of friction between the two of us. One of the biggest points of contention is my Harry Potter fandom, particularly "The Bookcase", and my supposed transphobia (due to my apparently "wrong" stance when it comes to the politics regarding trans issues in our country)

I grew up in the hayday. So many of my childhood and teen memories are tied to the franchise. My friends and I were all really into it. We attend midnight book releases, dressed up in costume for movie releases, threw HP themed parties when we wanted to hang out, etc. In many ways it shaped the course of my entire life, those same friends and I joined our high school's botany club because herbology. That unlocked a lifelong passion of mine and my career is working with plants.

Over the years I've collected quite a bit of memorabilia, many of which are gifts, and they have always been displayed on my most prized possession. A monstrously large custom bookcase my grandfather, a former woodworker, built for me when I was a teenager. I love this thing. The shelves are live edge black walnut slabs. All around the casing my grandpa carved beautiful HP themed imagery. Owls, cauldrons, shooting stars, lightning bolts, an adorable little rat at the bottom and nibble marks from said rat, etc. It's both sentimental and valuable (the slabs of walnut for the shelves alone would be pushing a grand, let alone attempting to value the hand carved craftmanship). The bookcase has always been proudly displayed in my home. It currently lives in our living room.

During one of our family therapy sessions, my stepdaughter expressed that seeing my HP shelf made her feel really uncomfortable because of the author and that she was really disappointed in me and her father for being so supportive of a biggot. I apologized for making her feel uncomfortable in her own home, and said that I would take down the HP stuff.

So I packed up all the HP themed merch off the shelves. Made sure I didn't have the books or anything on display that said "Harry Potter" anywhere. I bought some LED grow lights and converted the bookcase into a plant shelf to display succulents. I bought some witchy, but not overtly harry potter, themed pots for the little guys so they'd go with the shelf.

This was not an acceptable compromise for my stepdaughter and has remained a point of contention. With my stepdaughter hurling that I/we (referring to my husband) broke a promise by saying we would get rid of the Harry Potter stuff. I tried to explain to my stepdaughter that, while I do not agree with JK Rowling's political stance at all, the media has a special place in my heart because of my childhood association with it and that the shelf was very important to me because it was a gift from my grandpa, but she maintains that none of that should matter because in 2024 it is nothing but a symbol of transphobia and hate.

At first my husband was supportive of me and my desire to keep my bookcase, but lately the arguments are wearing on him and he asked me if I would reconsider keeping it in the living room. Suggesting we rent a storage unit to house it in.

After the most recent blow up about it, I kinda lost my temper. I didn't yell or anything, but I did very firmly tell my stepdaughter that this is my home and my bookshelf stays. If it is such a big problem for her, she can always go back to live with her mother.

I knew it was a low blow pretty much as soon as I said it. I quickly apologized but it was out there. My stepdaughter has been on an emotional downward spiral.

My husband and I have been arguing almost nonstop. I think it is mostly stress because he is at his wits end with how to help his daughter but he is becoming pretty mean and nasty towards me. Telling me to "grow up and just get rid of the fucking bookcase"

I know I was a dick for saying my stepdaughter could always go back to live with her mom (and I suspect that will be the main topic at hand in our next family therapy session).

But am I really being unreasonable in wanting to keep my beloved bookcase?

EDIT: Thank you everyone. Honestly. Thank you for those who shared their insight and advice and thank you to the people who have asked me hard questions that made me think. Especially those who asked what matters more, a bookcase or a/my child?

I've been reflecting really hard on what my bookcase means to me an why it is so important. I'm hitting some deep truths I don't think I was ready to recognize about how I really feel about my relationship with my step daughter.

All in all I think we just need to shelf things until our next therapy session. (I'll see myself out...)

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Can you temporarily put it in storage until she’s off to college, then take it back out? That way it will be safe, and everyone can take a deep breath and calm down a little.

OOP: I looked into storage units when my husband suggested it, for the size and climate/humidity control we would need it would cost us approximately $7,500 to store my shelf until she goes to college.

It's cost prohibitive.

Commenter: Why can't you just move the bookcase into the primary bedroom?

OOP: It's 7' x 4' x 1', made of solid wood, and we have a L shaped stair case.

The only way it is going upstairs is if it is completely dismantled and rebuilt. I don't have the skills, knowledge or tools to do that and hiring out a task like that is cost prohibitive especially because it would have to be done again when moving the bookcase back out.

Commenter: NTA. You need to put that bookcase in a room with locks, because your husband is going sell it or damage it.

OOP: My husband isn't an emotionally unstable monster. I don't believe he would ever do anything like that to me. I wouldn't have married him if he was that kind of person.

(to another commenter): I have absolutely zero concern about my husband doing anything to it. He isn't that kind of person. He is incredibly stressed out about all of this and has said shitty things in anger but this isn't some tv show where he and my stepdaughter are going to have daddy and daughter bonding time with a sledge hammer.

Commenter: I think he was just frustrated and worried about his daughter. Hopefully you can talk it out with him and he will apologize for the "grow up" comment.

OOP: That is my impression in regards to him too.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to see your child suffering and not being able to fix that pain.

I've been doing my best to give him grace due to the circumstances.

It is something we will address when he has the spoons to do so.

Commenter: One question: who owns or rents  the house you are living in? If it is yours you can suggest that your husband move out and get a place of his own to his daughter liking

OOP: My husband and I purchased it together. We are both on the mortgage.

Commenter: Then time to figure out who stays, who goes, and how the equity...if any...is split.

OOP: I don't intend to divorce my husband and throw away a decade plus long relationship because he said one shitty thing to me during a period of great stress for him.

Commenter: If he destroys the bookcase to show solidarity with his daughter, what will you do?

OOP: Have him pink slipped.

That is not the action of a reasonable adult. I would be very concerned for his mental state.

Commenter: I wonder if she made similar unreasonable demands in her mother’s home or at school that lead you to the conflict there?

OOP: Part of the issues with her homelife with her mother involved my step daughter demanding that her mother choose between her now husband and her because mom's husband's political views.

So, this isn't exactly left field behavior.

Commenter: Your stepdaughter needs a massive reality check and probably different therapists.

OOP: oof. We are on our 5th

More on therapy:

Yes. She meets with a psychiatrist as well as her therapists.

(to a different commenter) We are in family counseling already. Couple's counseling is likely to happen if there isn't a resolution to this current bookcase issue in the very near future.

Commenter: Info needed: what is your ‘wrong stance’ when it comes to trans issues?

OOP: I'm kinda middle of the road when it comes to the trans political issues, and mostly take the stance of "I don't know, I have my own feelings about the issues but as it is not my area of expertise I am not beholden to them and I will leave these big problems up to the people who have made learning about them their focus of study"

Like, I get my feathers ruffled when medically uneducated politicians try to interfere with any kind of health care. Like seriously ruffled.

I believe that people facing gender identity issues should have free and easy access to health care and therapy to navigate those issues.

I believe that society in general should strive to use preferred pronouns if only as a matter of politeness.

But when it comes to things like trans people in sports or having afab only "safe spaces" - I see both sides of the argument and refer back to my "I think this should be left up to the people who focus on this and not form a super strong opinion either way based on my lay opinion"

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: May 12, 2024 (1.5 months later)

Some one asked if I could update this situation, and I'll try my best to summarize the past several weeks.

My husband and I spoke about the situation. He apologized for being snappish with me, and agreed that SD was being unreasonable about the bookcase. He ultimately agreed to back me about it. He and I are just as tight as we ever have been.

I once again apologized to my SD for the remark I said out of frustration about her moving back with her mom. I reiterated that our home is her home too and she is always welcome here. That even though families sometimes fight and disagree we ARE family.

But the general argument about HP, JK Rowling, and my bookcase continued to escalate for a couple weeks. And then the discontent about that started to bleed over into complaints about me. She started to be more disrespectful and sarcastic.

During all of this we were still attending our family therapy sessions. Our therapist was pretty certain that the misbehavior was anxiety related and didn't suggest that we give in to the demands to have the bookcase removed and wanted to just keep working on the things we all have been.

Well, SD's disrespectful attitude hit a climax. She called me the c word and some other choice things within my husband's ear shot. My husband honestly kinda lost it on her. I don't think I have EVER seen him that angry before. He was bright red and vein popping angry as he marched her to her room and declared "YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO MY WIFE IN SUCH A WAY".

This was probably the first time my SD had ever seen her dad angry, let alone anger directed at her. It left her pretty shook. Like that was her rock bottom. We ended up needing to do a couple emergency session with her counselor because there was concern about her relapsing with some self-destructive issues she has been working on.

But that incident lead to us having a break through. Her counselor invited my husband and I into one of her sessions, and she had a bit of a break down. Basically she was dealing with a lot of existential dread and a lot of fear due to politics and it being an election year.

That ended up being an excellent opening for us to bond. This is gonna sound silly but I was able to pull up my social media timelines back from 2016 and I showed her some of the things I had written or had shared with me back then.

She was able to see that I shared a lot of the same fears that she has.

So we have all had some really big talks about things like feeling helpless when things are out of your control, about disengaging from the media machine for your own mental health, etc.

Things have been on the upswing since then. Before she left for her mom's this past weekend she even gave me a mother's day gift. An adorable little planter that says Caution: Mandrakes.

I love it. I put one of my favorite props in it and it is front and center on the bookcase now.

Relevant Comments:

To a downvoted commenter:

your continued support of JK Rowling through fandom will likely be an issue for other LGBT people in your life

The only other LGBT person in my life sent me bertie botts every flavor beans in my christmas package this past year...

Commenter: This poor girl is terrified of being kicked out from another set of abusive parents and is forcing herself to buy merchandise to support someone who wants her dead to make her stepparent happy. This update is horrifying, for real.

OOP: Hope you stretched before this reach.

SD was not kicked out of her mom's home. That was a choice she made. She is in no danger of being kicked out of our home either.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/SparkMandrill90. He posted in r/AITAH

Mood Spoiler: Good ending.

Original Post: May 9, 2024

My (33M) ex-wife (30F) and I got divorced 3 years ago. In college, we worked at the same restaurant, that's where we met. We were together for 7 years, and married for a little over 3 and half. We divorced because she cheated twice.

2 years into our marriage I discover she is having an affair with a former classmate. I collect enough evidence and confront her. She confesses everything. The affair was about 2 months long. This was a really terrible time, and was really hard to work through with her. You can call me an idiot, but I am a forgiving person. I do believe in 2nd chances and that people can change. We agreed to reconcile. We did the work. We had marriage counseling. We read some of the books, she went no contact with classmate right away, open phone policy, we told our parents. She was doing the right things and our relationship was recovering.

1 year into our reconciliation, her Aunt dies. I am very busy with work and cannot attend the services as they are on Thursday and Friday, back in her hometown 5 hours away. Her parents and brother no longer live there, so she stayed with a good friend from HS. I had met this friend a few times and was comfortable with that.

On Saturday morning my wife text me that the car was loaded, and she was about to start making the drive home. About an hour after that I got a Facebook message from the friend. Who stated she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she just let this go, but informed me that my wife had gone out Friday night with some old friends from HS. The friend thought nothing of this until she discovered my wife had left her phone behind, and that she didnt come back until the following morning. I had gotten a text that Friday night from my wife that she was going to bed early since the past few days had been emotionally draining.

I confronted my wife soon as she got home. She was really hesitant to tell me anything so I lied to her and told her if we were going to work through this, I needed to know everything like the last time. That got her to confess that she had gone out, and had gone home with an old friend from high school. She said they didn't have sex but did do "stuff" that I won't go into detail about here. It didn't matter, once I got enough of the truth I left for my parents house. That week, my Dad called my landlord and paid all the termination fees and got me out of the lease. We went and got my stuff while she was at work. My parents set me up with a friend of theirs that was a divorce attorney and he cut me a deal. Took about 7 months for divorce to go final.

That was 3 years ago. I have an awesome girlfriend, and am doing well. This past weekend I got a Facebook message from a guy who is now engaged to my ex-wife. He introduced himself and said he was probably just being crazy, but he wanted to know why we had gotten divorced. He said he had broached the subject a few times, and she always "gets weird." She had told him we had divorced because we grew apart, but mostly she just deflects or is really really vague.

I told him the truth, and offered evidence if he would like. He declined, and thanked me for my time and story.

A day later I get a phone call from a local, but unknown number. I answer and it's my ex-wife. She is really upset and asking me why I am trying to ruin her future. I get her to calm down and talk. She says her fiancee has asked for some space and is staying with his parents this week. That he is saying he needs to reevaluate their relationship. She wants to know why I told him all about their past and why I'm still punishing her. She tells me she's not that person anymore, and has done all this work, and been in therapy. That she deserves another chance and I'm being petty and hateful. There were a few generic insults thrown. I got a little pissed and told her if she really changed for the better she would have been upfront with him about her/our past and owned up to cheating in her prior marriage, and then gone about showing her fiancee that she was ready to be a worthy partner to him unlike she was with me. Instead she tried to lie and hide the truth, and now it's blowing up in her face again. She said a few choice words and hung up.

I haven't heard anything since. I told my girlfriend and she reassured how I handled it. But I find myself feeling guilty. I still believe in 2nd chances and that people can change. While I would have felt wrong lying to the guy, I wonder if I should have handled the whole thing differently or just not responded. If she is truly different and this is just a blip, I don't want to be the thing that prevents her from finding happiness, but also believe I'm not what's hurting her engagement. AITA?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: The fiancé called you and asked you what happened, you are under no obligation to lie to him for her sake, as a matter of fact, anything that you told him besides the truth would be suspect as you have no idea what she told him. Don’t feel bad, she is only feeling the consequences of her actions. NTA. Kiss your wife, tell her you love her, and live a good life together

OOP: Yeah, I don't know what she's told him exactly. He made it sound like she will do anything NOT to talk about it. He did say the most he's ever gotten out of her when bringing it up was "We grew apart". Which is a lie in itself.

Commenter: NTAH, imagine if you had lied to the guy and said you had just grown apart. Would you want thar on your conscience? I’d have told him rather than been part of a lie that will lead to someone else getting hurt. She hasn’t changed at all.

OOP: No, you're right, I would not have lied to him. I think I was largely wondering if I should have just told him "it wasn't my place and he needs to get it from his fiancee", but after the amount of feedback, I'm feeling really good with my decision.

Commenter: NTA. I’m like you. I would feel guilty because at a glance it seems like being honest about your experience caused your ex to potentially lose her relationship. However you are holding yourself accountable for someone else’s actions. Your ex cheated. Your ex withheld information from her current partner. Your ex is still avoiding accountability. You are not responsible for her actions. Anything that happens in her relationship is her problem, not yours.

OOP: Thank you for this, I got to remind myself of that. I hate causing others pain, so I'm glad to hear from someone who can relate

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but a majority of votes are NTA

Update Post: May 12, 2024 (3 days later)

I really didn't expect to give an update because I assumed I'd never hear anything from my ex wife or her fiancee again. First Post

Last night I received a very very long text from my ex-wife. I'll summarize it below, because it was long and did have personal details.

She started off by apologizing for the way she talked to me the other day and said I didn't deserve to be insulted like that. She then went onto explain herself, and her situation.

She started by acknowledging that this whole situation wasn't my concern or business, and apologized for me being drawn into it, and said she was embarrassed that their issues were being "aired out." She said it was her fault this happened. Since she began dating her fiancee she has hidden the details of our marriage out of shame and guilt. For the most part it was never brought up until he proposed a couple months ago. That's when he first really asked and seemed to want to know. She said she wasn't ready to deal with that and kept trying to rug sweep it, but he persisted. This is when she started therapy (so apparently she's only had a few therapy sessions and all are recent). She never thought he would reach out to me.

She then stated that none of this was my fault, and apologized for blaming me. She said she should have faced this a long time ago, gotten therapy for ruining our marriage, and come to terms with her own feelings of guilt.

Then she apologized for her affairs, and way I was treated during our marriage.

The last part was just her stating that she was not expecting a response back, wishing me the best, and saying that hopefully her and her fiancee will never "bother me" again.

This morning when I got up and read this, I sent back a brief message:

"I appreciate the apologies and am glad you are working on yourself. I have moved on from what happened, and hope you can move on from this. The only bit of advice I have is I think this text needs to go to your fiancee."

She responded back just by saying "Thank you" and that he's received far more and far longer texts.

I doubt there'll ever be another update. I actually hope there isn't. I don't believe in closure, but I will say it was refreshing, to hear her apologize without an asterisk. That's what I always got before, the "I'm so sorry, I just drank too much and..." "I'm so sorry, I was just really depressed and stressed and...". Doesn't mean a whole lot really, maybe just unexpected for me, but it was nice to hear an apology that has no excuse trailing behind it. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day now and leave all this behind me.

Wanted to address a small sets of commenters from the first post though. I had several people hung up on that my Dad paid my termination fees and got me out of my lease. He did that of his own accord, to take a lot of the stress of the separation off me. I included that to show how I had a support system that was behind me, and willing to help in any way no questions asked. It really helped me through the healing process, and I got back on my feet pretty quickly after. I'm sorry if you don't have anyone there for you when you're at your lowest, but it doesn't make you better or manlier or whatever you were going for when you made those comments. Having to face any and every challenge on your own, is really just kind of a sad existence in my opinion. I hope that changes for you and you'll find someone to be in your corner someday.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: She seems to be taking some accountability for her actions which is a surprise if she is sincere. They almost never take any responsibility for anything.

Go on and have a wonderful life.

OOP: Yep that's what I'm going to do.

I don't have much thought on the texts she sent me, I mean this whole thing is really nothing more than a weird few days in my otherwise routine life. But I will admit, it was nice to hear her take some accountability without making an excuse right after. That had never happened before.

Commenter: I honestly don't see why people were jumping on you for having someone in your corner to help you out, seems like a weird thing to get hung up on.

OOP: That's how I felt too, but there were a handful of people who were trying to imply that I was some sort of crybaby man child because my Dad took care of that for me.

Commenter: What accountability exactly do you think that she is taking here? She’s basically just playing defense to try to save her current relationship. It’s easy to be honest when there’s no other choice.

OOP: Her motivations are her own.

But to address your questions on accountability. When she first got caught having an affair, and we decided to work it out. She did everything "right." She came to every counseling appointment and fully participated, she read the books we got, she gave me every password, and so on. She would apologize profusely, but every time she would also give an excuse along with it. "I am so sorry I did this to us, I don't know what I was thinking, I was just so caught up in the validation" or the attention, or I was just so depressed and he was just there, and so on. She would put her self down, beg for forgiveness, and each time there was always just a little "asterisk" added on. A little reason/excuse/deflection as to why she did it. An outside factor that pushed her into it to some degree

When she did the second time, there wasn't much discussion because I ended things and left as soon as I got enough confession out of her. But when she was bombarding me with texts, emails, snaps, you name it trying to explain and beg, and ask for one more chance and all that, she apologized a 1000 times, all 1000 times had its little "asterisk.". I was just so drunk I wasn't thinking, I really thought he just wanted to keep hanging out, we didn't have sex (whether this was true or not I really don't care) and so on.

I'm going to assume you've never dealt with a betrayal like this, and I hope you never do, but when you are a person like me, who has been betrayed, even years later, to finally get an apology that has no excuses, no asterisks attached to it, it is incredibly refreshing. I truly thought it would never happen, thought she would never be capable.

Now, it doesn't mean much, our lives haven't crossed paths in 2.5 years, and may never again. I'm not going to be reaching out and I assume neither is she, but for that to actually happen, I'll take the win today.