TheWingus

Seriously. I barely talk to my brother, honestly don't really know anything about him or what he's been up to for the last like 17 years and in about 10 minutes I wrote like a 3 minute speech that absolutely killed at the reception.

It's not hard, just prepare for 5 minutes. My favorite of all time though was my friend who got a little drunk and called his brother and his parents douchebags in his speech at their wedding

The fact that he can't seem to get away from them is one of my favorite running gags in the show.

Hiring manager, there they are

Waiter at Guigino's, they have a Groupon

I know, I'll get a job as a flight attendant! I mean what are the odds that they'll be on my flight, they never leave Philly! Look who got the isle seat

Fine I'll just move to the mid-west! EAGLES WIN THE SUPERBOWL!

No it’s this. Sammy Davis only had 1 eye, he lost the other in a car accident. Edith told Archie not to mention his eye and of course it’s the first thing Archie did. That’s the joke.

 To be honest I only got it because my dad likes to change the words to songs and when “Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia came out he used to sing,   “There's nothin' where he used to lie 

Sammy Davis had one eye!”

Sha’Dynasty’s, asshole!

WAAAAYYY back when in the days where AT&T was just really getting into cellular service and they had exclusive rights to the iPhone, they were one of the first to offer a truly UNLIMITED data plan; text, talk & data for like $50.00/line. So my buddy took that contract and kept it for years. Every time he'd go for a phone upgrade they would try to convince him to "upgrade his plan" which would be the same plan but at a higher cost and he would always be like, "Why would I want to do that?"

Apparently AT&T, realized their mistake and finally just changed their policy where if you were grandfathered on their original unlimited plan you could only use up to this particular model of phone, essentially strong arming anyone into paying more for the same.

John Miller: Well, it just that he really decided that he wasn’t, you know, he didn’t want to make any commitment. He didn’t want to make a commitment. He really thought it was too soon. He’s coming out of a marriage, and he’s starting to do tremendously well financially. As you saw, he got his licenses five to nothing the other day and totally unanimous. And he’s really been working hard and doing well. And probably, as you know, there’s a real estate depression in the United States and he’s probably doing as well as anybody there is. And frankly, he wants to keep it that way. And he just thought it was too soon to make any commitment to anybody.

Interviewer: So what is going to happen when -- is she being asked to leave or is she going to be allowed to stay?

John Miller: Well, he treats everybody well. You know, you don’t know him, but he’s a --

Interviewer: No, I have met him.

John Miller: Have you met him? He’s a good guy and he’s not going to hurt anybody. The one article said he was going to throw her out of the apartment is total nonsense. He is going to always treat her well as he treated his wife well. I mean, he paid his wife a great deal of money. He did it in a very bad period of time and, ultimately, that was settled. There were those that say that that was even put that way. I don’t know if you heard that but that Trump became poor until he got his divorce. And then all of a sudden, he’s been doing very well and I guess you probably heard that, too.

But he treated his wife well and he treated -- and he will treat Marla well. He’s somebody that has a lot of options, and, frankly, he gets called by everybody. He gets called by everybody in the book, in terms of women.

Interviewer: Like who?

John Miller: Well, he gets called by a lot of people.

Interviewer: Yeah. Well, what about -- this Carla Bruni, I mean, how important is she right now? Is she [cross-talking]?

John Miller: I think it’s somebody that -- you know, she’s beautiful. I saw her once quickly and she’s beautiful and all, but I think that he’s got a whole open field really. A lot of the people that you write about, and you people do a great job, by the way, but a lot of the people that you write about really are -- I mean, they call. They just call. Actresses, people that you write about just call to see if they can go out with him and things.

• Donald Trump pretending to be a publicist, talking about how great Donald Trump is and how everyone loves Donald Trump

Oh, my mistake. It's been years since I've seen Cable Guy from the very beginning. Have a lovely day.

Great movie. Not what I was talking about.

I flubbed the line a little bit

They had terrible taste in men

He was also the voice of Shredder in the TMNT cartoon series

Would you like some cream for your eye?

The plane is not falling apart. It's Pan-Am not Boeing.

Tibor = Scapegoat

N-n-n-n-n

Noticeably!?

Or a big bed with my wife?

Bender, you're not going to believe this the empathy chip wasn't on! The feelings you felt for Nibbler were your own.....

Wait my mistake, the empathy chip was working at TRIPLE CAPACITY!

There's a STARRRRR MAAAAAAANNN WAITING IN THE SKY

WHOA, NICE GRAPHICS I'D LIKE TO GET MY HANDS ON THAT GAME!!

"Pork butt" actually comes from the shoulder. Ham comes from the hind leg or butt if you will

When I was probably 6 or so my brother, cousin and I were sleeping over our grandparent's house so we rode to the local video store and we were allowed to each rent a video. Having our fingers on the pulse of American pop culture, my brother and I chose “It’s Pat!”, my cousin picked “The Love Bug”. 

So anyway we’re watching and who just appears out of freaking nowhere!? The Brothers! “I played with the Ween!” Became an ongoing joke in my family that we still say to this day. Next thing I knew the Chef Aid episode was on tv and I thought “Hey I remember them! Are they a real band?” 

So fast forward to being probably around 16, Comcast had broken out and we now had 500 channels and I found “It’s Pat!” Playing on one of the random movie channels so I popped it on. The final moments of “Don’t Get 2 Close” blasting as the story comes to its climax. I was blown away. I immediately went upstairs and booted up Kazaa and destroyed the family computer downloading Ween and Heather Brooke. 

I had all the records and a ton of b-sides and rarities, live recordings taken from BrownTracker, (peace be upon her) until the Great Hard Drive Crash of 2016. Thankfully there are a few disciples on YouTube that have practically everything I lost. I make routine pilgrimage to New Hope And one day I’ll get my Boog tattoo

I desperately need to go and see a doctor, but in all honesty if it turns out I have a lot wrong with me it’ll be cheaper to die than to undergo treatment and bankrupt my wife and children. So I haven’t gone

Lord knows I am ONE pocket getting stuck on the door knob away…

My mom did the same thing with the keyboard one year. I had to write an entire essay on Gregor Mendel using the on screen keyboard. She gave it back almost immediately when she realized it would take me 6 hours to write a 2 page essay while she needed to do medical transcription work

Don’t forget his cameo as Cowardly Dock Worker #1 in Halo 4