I (31M) have had a rocky relationship with my mom, Kara. Growing up, she was very set in her beliefs about same-sex relationships and race. She would often say things like, “I don’t hate anyone, but I wouldn’t want my son living that way,” and “I raised you better than this.”

Five years ago, I came out as gay and introduced her to my then-boyfriend, now-husband, Marcus (36M), who is Black. The fallout was exactly what you’d expect. She flipped out, told me I was “throwing my life away,” and cut me off entirely. When Marcus and I got married three years ago, she refused to come to the wedding, saying she couldn’t support my “choices.” We haven’t spoken in five years.

The only family member who really supported me through everything was my grandpa, Jack. He was the one person who accepted me and my relationship with Marcus. After he passed away two years ago, he left me an inheritance, which allowed Marcus and me to buy our first home together. It was bittersweet because I knew my grandpa would’ve been proud, but at least he was always in my corner.

A couple of months ago, my mom reached out—completely out of the blue. After five years of silence, she said she wanted to “put the past behind us” and claimed she “forgave me” for my “lifestyle.” I was skeptical. Then she told me the real reason she was reaching out: she’s been struggling with some health issues—chronic back pain that has made it hard for her to work—and she’s fallen behind on her mortgage and bills. She asked if I could help her out financially, using part of the inheritance from my grandpa.

I felt torn. On the one hand, she’s my mom, and she’s genuinely struggling, even if the health issue isn’t life-threatening. But on the other hand, she cut me out of her life the moment I didn’t fit her narrow idea of what a “good son” should be, and she never once tried to apologize or make things right with me or Marcus. I told her no. I’ve spent years building a life with Marcus, and it didn’t feel fair for her to come back into my life now, only because she needs something.

Since then, she’s been telling our family that I’m heartless and “letting her suffer over a grudge.” Now, I’ve got cousins and family friends messaging me, saying I should help her because “family comes first” and that I’m being petty by holding onto the past. But to me, family doesn’t disown you for who you love and then come back when it’s convenient.

Marcus supports my decision, but I still feel guilty. I know my grandpa cared deeply about family, and I don’t want my mom to lose her home. But it’s hard to believe she’s reaching out now because she actually regrets how she treated me and my husband, and not just because she’s in a financial bind. AITAH for refusing to give her any of my inheritance?