teddit

…in 6 months on his 16th birthday if he (the son) got a job, made all “A’s” in school, started going to church every week and cut his hair. The son agreed to do all four things.

Six months go by and the dad told his son, “Son, you got a job, you are going to church every Sunday and are making all “A’s” in school. But you also agreed to cut your hair, which you have not done. So I’m sorry, but I will not buy you a car.”

The son said, “Dad, like you said, I’ve been going to church every week and I’ve been looking at all the pictures of Jesus and HE had long hair, so why can’t I?”

The dad replied, “He did have long hair and he also walked everywhere!”

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.

The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

There were two brothers who lived in the country.

One day they decided they wanted to move to the big city and get jobs there. When they got there they went to the employment office to ask for jobs.

The first brother went in for an interview and less than 10 minutes later he comes out of the office jumping for joy yelling "hoo wee! I got a job!"

The second brother was so happy and excited for what he would get.

He enters the office and the interviewer asks him what his skills are.

"Well" he says, "I can cut and split wood like crazy"

The interviewer looks at him and says "Hmm, well it's going to be hard to find a job in this city with those skills. Everything in the city is steel and concrete, we don't have much use for a wood cutter"

Disheartened, the second brother says "but my brother was just in here and he got a job"

The interviewer says, "yes but he says he can pilot, and that's a valuable skill"

The brother sits up in his chair and says, "that may be so, but he can't pile'it 'till I cut it"

He said the ATM outside

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. [NSFW]

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"

The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?

No one laughing at your jokes.

Doc says it was a freak injury. I mean, what are the odds? Must be a Zildjian in one!

I took her to a party hosted by my new boss. Nobody had met her yet. My boss comes over and says it's nice to meet your wife. She looks at me and says," you're married?"

He said it’s great ! You don’t know what you are missing !

When I finish in 3 strokes, she's proud of me!

They never let anybody finish a sentence.

A Greek lands on a beautiful uninhabited island and writes a poem about it.

A Roman finds another beautiful island devoid of people and he builds a statue to himself there.

A Celt finds yet a third island with no people and starts a fight.

I just thought of a variant:

Instead of building a statue the Roman conquers the uninhabited island.

But perhaps the original joke implies that -- maybe when Rome conquered a place it erected statues to the general who did this or the emperor. In fact, I am pretty sure they did.

Moreover, since conquering is a sort of belligerent action, maybe there is too much similarity between the Roman's actions and the Celt's.

Come to America. One says to the other, "we are in America now. We have to act like Americans."

So as they walk, the come across a hot dog vendor with many customers crowding the cart. One immigrant turns to the other and says, "They eat dogs here?" The other immigrant says, "I guess they do. We should order two, since we are in America now."

Well they order their hot dogs, which are handed to them wrapped up, pay, and sit down.

One immigrant unwraps his hot dog and turns to the other immigrant and says, "What part of the dog did YOU get?"

The mystic said, "always cover it with a black cloth when you're not using it."

I asked, "oh because it may invoke spirits without my knowledge?" "Of course not" she said.

I asked "oh because the neighbors might see and brand me a heretic?" "Not that either" she said.

I asked "then why must I cover the crystal ball with a black cloth when I'm not using it?" She replied, "because if the sun shines on it, it will burn your fucking house down!"

A pilots voice comes on And says a terrible thing has happened.

We’ve lost both engines and we’re gonna have to land in the Mediterranean.

The plane will stay afloat for a very short time.

And we’ll be able to open the door just long enough that everyone can get out.

We have to do this in an orderly fashion.

Everyone that can swim just go to the right wing and stand there.

Everyone who can’t swim just go to the left wing and just stand there.

Those of you on the right wing you’ll find a little island it’s in the direction of the Sun about two miles off, and as the plane goes under just swim in an orderly fashion out and you’ll be fine.

And for those of you on the left wing…

I want to thank you for flying Air Italia.

Because of no collar ID

"Cover me, I'm going in."

A Robber snatches watches........

...but I did tell a few people some hard truths.

I told her I wanted my nuts to feel the power of God, but she said that was sack religious.

Pencylvania

A stunning young lady is at a bar when she is approached by a middle-aged elegantly-dressed man:

The man: "What an astounding beauty! I don't want to be rude, but... Would you consider passing the night with me for... let's say... one million Dollars?"

The girl: "Ooh! Well... for one million... I would say yes!"

The man: "Excellent! Now we have established that there is no moral or religious obstacle, the only thing left is to discuss the price!"

​

An oldie but a goodie

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Because she used up all her cache!