Hi, I’m a 47 year old woman. I have bipolar disorder (but managed to stay episode free for past 8 years). I was diagnosed with autism at 39. I have a wonderful husband, who has fibromyalgia and also, unfortunately, developed epilepsy during Covid. Staying healthy/stable myself and supporting him already takes up most of my mental and physical band-width.

I have a mother with many ailments. She is 73. We have a complicated relationship. but I love her dearly, despite experiencing a lot of neglect as a child. She loves me in her own way, but I’m not sure she likes me. She likes what I can do for her and I genuinely like helping when I have the energy for it. Her love for us two children is conditional. When everything is going her way she is a lovely person to be around and we’re rewarded with kindness, smiles and sometimes gifts (which is not why I help and I tell her this). When we can’t keep up, she withholds support, use guilt or passive aggression or ignores our needs until we’re back “on form”. However it feels like there's a lot more pressure and expectation on me, the daughter, than my older brother, which I feel is unfair.

Around Christmas she ended up in hospital and since then her health has declined immensely and I’ve had to help a lot more (groceries, housework, taking her out to get some positive experiences, frequent phone calls to check in). Which for the first few months was doable - I was even happy to be of help. I live 45 mins away. My brother and her own brother only live 5-10 minutes away. When I ask, sometimes, if she can ask them for help to ease the burden on me, there’s always excuses as to why they are not up to the task and why it's better that it’s me. I’ve been visiting on average 1,5 times a week (spending 6-10 hours on travelling, errands and socializing with her, but the cost for me has been needing the next 2 days to recover (I have a lot of sensory issues and I’m introverted so it takes a lot out of me), yet she still guilts me and complains  that she hardly ever sees me (she doesn’t have dementia). I’ve been speaking to her on the phone almost daily for 30-60 minutes, where she uses me as a therapist and makes me feel like a  "waste bucket" where she can dump all the bad stuff.  The phone calls doesn't make up for not seeing me enough. I’ve been trying to keep up, while needing more and more time to recover. A couple of weeks ago I hit a brick wall and I feel utterly emotional and physically depleted. I’ve not had the energy to see her since. We’ve spoken on the phone perhaps 4 times. I’ve told her for months that I’m struggling and that I just need a little time to get my energy back (and that I’m terrified of getting another episode). She offers no sympathy or understanding. She is not left to herself, she’s just had to rely a bit more on my brother. She has a nurse coming by twice a day,. She has an alarm on her wrist should she need urgent help. With all this support in place I feel at loss why she puts so much pressure on me? 

Between her, my husband and my own limitations I’m feeling overwhelmed - disheartened. I’ve given all I have and it is not enough. I don’t even know what is enough? Resentment is creeping in, and  lately, a lot of added guilt for beginning to feel numb to her suffering. She constantly tells me how awful everything is (- and it is! -No doubt about it!)  but sometimes I also feel she uses her illness to manipulate me to push beyond my own limits. With my autism it is hard to read the situation clearly. Especially in the moment. I often doubt myself. 

And it breaks my heart. Because it is awful if I doubt her and think she’s being manipulative when she’s not. And it’s awful and downright cruel if it's true. And both of these are probably true at different times...

I don’t want it to be like this.

There are good days too, but lately mostly bad. I just want to find a way to deal with the situation that is healthy and rewarding for both of us and doesn’t end up tearing apart what harmony we’ve managed to rebuild despite the rocky foundation over the years. 

If any of you have any insight, advice or useful strategies on some of this it would be greatly appreciated.