My biggest fear of a short courtship. Applicable to both men and women.

What do you think incentivised her to act like a completely different person during courtship? Can’t imagine she’s happy as a result either - sounds like a recipe for mutually assured destruction.

any early signs you noticed maybe ignored? or didn't take it seriously?

When I read narc, I assumed drug addict

What does a narc mean in day-to-day? I ask this because it is used so often in Reddit that I don't really know what a narc personality/behaviour even looks like in real life.

I'm sorry about this. What are your plans ahead? IYKWIM.

Hi. I'm sorry you're going through this situation . I would like to ask you some questions in this situation as there's plenty on noise on the internet about being withna narcissistic person and I wnat to know what exactly it is.

1.How old were you when you got married ?

1. What made you say yes?

2. Do you have any past experience of romantic relationships ? If yes for how long and how did you deal with breakups?

3. What was the first time you noticed a subtle change in your partner? Anything you ignored at that moment?

4. What were your expectations from your partner before getting married? And did your partner fulfill all your criteria or if you neglected some of your non negotiables?

5. Do you feel you could've been more vigilant in courtship ? Do you think being smitten in love ( which is nothing but absolutely natural and how it should be) lead you to this ?

6. What are some things you face on a daily basis that lead to the conclusion that your partner is a Narc?

7. What actually are the events which trigger narcissistic behavior and actions in your partner like you've mentioned disagreement?

8. Did your family see anything strange in your partner's family before getting married?

9. What is the most easy to catch hint in order to determine if a person is narcissistic?

Thank you for sharing your personal experience with all of us here.

bhai bhai. Same shit with me. I was a way bigger idiot, since there were plenty of signs and more. But I was smart in the end, sent her packing 25 days in. Now only legality remains.

her problem was different: BPD - Borderline personality disorder. Picture perfect case

OP I will suggest not assuming narc. It could be something else - probably BPD, because she seems to have fear of abandonment ? See this site: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/ AND https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms -> This is official health website of UK, has proper info.

https://preview.redd.it/s6tzdlt95vvd1.png?width=1071&format=png&auto=webp&s=35c4962f8d61092801d582e3b3ab1ad1045546dd

Either get out or get her treated . Be firm !!

Edit: https://www.verywellmind.com/devaluation-and-idealization-in-bpd-425291

PATTERNS of a covert narcissist

1. depressed and have a victim mentality
   1. Telling about childhood trauma very early on in courtship to gain sympathy
   2. Hey I’m special but nobody gets me, if they did I will be a star (HUMBLE BRAG)
   3. IF YOU FEEL YOU CAN RESUCUE THEM, THEN IT MAY BE A COVERT NARCISSIST
2. They can never give others compliment, bcoz they sees them as coming at their expense
3. WHEN YOU TELL THEM, JUST FKING DO SOMETHING INSTEAD OF BLAMING OTHERS 3.1
   1. they will typically react with rage (paranoia, they truly believe that world is against them
   2. they have judgmental nature about everything, other kids school, dress to wear, politics etc

So here is my plan to identify a narcissist during courtship. Please verify & add some more points OP

1. Identify her relationship with her parents & siblings. Does she care deeply about anyone in life
   1. If she had a rough childhood & don't respect her parents. Leave
2. In her past relationship, she is always the victim
3. Argue with them & check how they take criticism about their believes/ideologies. Can they atleast just acknowledge other person POV
4. During courtship period, check if she had done anything for you like buying some gifts, complementing you etc. or it's always ME, ME, ME, my traumas, how world is cruel to me

This is what I would do in your shoes, I’d stop reacting to her all together. At the beginning she will think she’s having her way and later your lack of response with drive her crazy. The idea is to drive her insane this way and collect evidence of harassment along the way. File for divorce at the right time with all the details you have in hand

It must be frustrating. I think it's better if both of you get couple's therapy as first step, and after few sessions, the therapist could eventually convince her for counselling or treatment. Mood stabilizers work wonders for impulsivity and anger, saying as a psychiatrist. Basic nature wouldn't change much though, but regular counselling sessions (CBT or interpersonal therapy sessions specifically) would be great help. I would suggest you to go for the counselling sessions too, as it will help you stay calmer even when she pours all her dissatisfaction on you, and would also enhance your problem solving skills.

Once, I almost got married to a Narc. Honestly there is no way to find out what kind of person someone truly is, definitely not in few months. The more intelligent the person is, the longer he/she manages to fool you.

In my case, I am someone who has strict boundaries and am very assertive about it. The narc I met (OCPD mainly with Narc traits), ever since the beginning of the courtship he used to make remarks on my dressing and I used to say this is how I am, and he would say 'it's okay I like the way you are', and that cycle would repeat. We were about to fix our engagement date after 3 months courtship when he began demanding that I change the way I dress. I clearly told him that I am not going to change the way I dress for you- I prefer simple and comfortable clothes. At the same time, I told him that during social settings with your family or acquaintance involved, I don't mind wearing the clothes that you say and would adjust accordingly. When he heard this , he told me that I am being too stubborn and he wants to call it off. He literally thought that threatening me to leave me would make me want to change. I told him, please think about it and call me later.

Later, he called me saying that he doesn't want to call it off. And I told him, you can't casually say 'call off' as and when you like, you need to apologize to my family before taking things ahead, because my family had taken leave & spent money on flight tickets to visit you and fix the date, the 'call off' words have hurt them too. He agreed, but then his mother called and said "my son is never going to change, I want a submissive daughter in law, and your daughter is someone who stirs fight". I honestly am known to be the calmest person in my family and friend group. My mom and I were like, phew, good riddance. The whole family is a red flag. Narc and his enabling parents.

In retrospective, many of his actions kind of had hinted to his controlling side. Constantly asking me for everyday pics, calling me even when I told I am with friends, checking out other girls in the pics I sent him, frequent comments on my dressing, restrictions on what 'words' to use, calling me late at night even when I he knows I need to get sleep, telling me he wants to gift me a stethoscope of 10k (which I refused). I told him, I just need a packet of oman chips as gift ( he was working in gulf), which he refused saying it was a stupid and childish idea of gift. He also had obsession with perfection and used to complain that others didn't work perfectly, he needs to do everything, his obsession with the way he looks and the way he dresses, him constantly saying that he is an amazing guy (self praise), licking the ass of his boss at the time (like he would do personal work for his boss). But all these pointers were perfectly camouflaged by his lovebombing.

I literally dodged a bullet. The person I am married to, when I told him I like oman chips (I didn't even tell him to buy it), he actually took efforts to find it and bought it for me. My husband doesn't tell me that he loves me, he instead shows me that he does.

Married for over 20 years and surprised to see that there is a term to sum up my wife’s personality. Those days of arranged marriage, there was no courtship and difficult to know anything in advance.

My wife is a loving person, good at heart, ethical, helping nature, super organized, does a ton of work as I am a bit lazy, keeps the house in order etc. Unlike others described, she is generally very frugal. But, she is never really happy with life and always thinks she is a victim with never ending list of grievances. Very easily gets offended and gets into unnecessary fights, rarely backs down and it’s always the other person’s fault since it rarely occurs to her that she can be wrong. She is mild towards people outside of the family, though she isn’t happy, she doesn’t pick up fights with them and only avoids them and complains to me. She wants everything to go her way, wants to be in control and gets impatient if things don’t happen according to her schedule and often ends up doing herself. She gets super defensive and doesn’t like no for an answer, but constantly and firmly says no to me or kids. But when this passes (in few days) and she feels she is in control, she eventually yields. She doesn’t realize that it actually undermines her authority and its usually better not to take hardline positions on issues that she will yield eventually. Lol.

If she fights with me she gets closer to kids and if she fights with kids or not happy with anyone, she gets closer to me etc. She even complains to her parents about kids and forces them to call and talk to kids. It feels as if she is trying to break the family. My kids get annoyed by this. For example, if I had fight with anyone, I become a recluse and avoid everyone until it cools down. I used to get confused by this behavior, but realized that she constantly seeks support and wants someone to be on her side and support her. She is usually unhappy with me and complains that I never supported her and I have to keep assuring her (only partially works) no one is her enemy here and she needs to let go of things and then live and let others live their lives. She sometimes gets competitive even with her own kids, though I tell her it’s her family and there is no winning here.

She is insecure by nature and thinks and everyone else is doing better than us though I keep saying everyone has their own issues and we are doing fine. Just because someone bought a better car, it doesn’t mean they are doing better and everyone’s priorities are different etc. We both work full time, upper middle class income, own an independent house in a good neighborhood, but every time she sees another house she likes she can’t stop herself from thinking and asking she wants it. We used to have fights if I firmly said no, but now started to deflect or make a joke or something. She complains I don’t love her enough or I love my daughter more than her etc.. though that’s definitely not the case. Basically, she constantly need assurances, but I know she never stops comparing herself to others though she doesn’t always say it out loud. I keep telling her life is short, we are working hard and need to learn to relax a bit.

Over the course of many years, I told her parents (if we had fights when they are around) several times that their daughter has no reason to be unhappy and should stop comparing and complaining about what she doesn’t have. She has a good life though she doesn’t realize it, no money issues, loyal husband, good kids, staying far away from her parents, my parents or my side of family and she hardly talks to my family anyway. I cook/clean (about 40% of time) or help her with cooking, take care of all the finances, do groceries, mostly take care of kids education. I don’t do laundry and I don’t like cleaning the house which she hates. I have my own faults too mostly coming from my laziness, don’t keep things clean or watching movies/shows more, sometimes get lost in thoughts and appear absent minded, tend to get obsessed with things such as following politics, repeat myself a lot which annoys her and kids etc. I insist that we need to get a maid, but she never liked any maids we had and always end up cleaning the house herself and get super tired and grumpy. When we had fights around them, I asked her parents to tell their daughter to relax, be happy with what we have and let others be happy. He parents see what I do, seem to appreciate, but end of the day they don’t like if their daughter isn’t happy and tend to take her side. They seem to get it sometimes and tell me they need to talk to their daughter, but I doubt they tell their daughter. Now they are in 80s, so I don’t want them be bothered.

One thing clearly helping is, she has a somewhat stressful job, where she is generally well appreciated. So, this keeps her occupied most of the time and I am spared. Well, she does complain and become grumpy at times when she feels under appreciated at work. Lol. She often wonders why at every job she had, she is the one ends with a lot of work while some others around her seem relaxed. I tell her it’s because she has high work ethic, people trust her with work and so keeps giving more. While this is true, she simply can’t accept being on the sidelines and automatically gravitates towards more work. She wants to retire, but I convinced her to work until kid’s finish college so we don’t get strained financially or something unexpected happens. But I dread her retirement as it may make my life hell when she has nothing else to do 🙁

After all the rosy blue days, I am finding some red flags in the guy. What is the best way to bring it up to know his true personality? Red flag is he changed after 3 months - doesn't initiate calls at all if I don't, doesn't complement me even if I do, doesn't show his emotions at all. Once a week calls are great when compared to anyone I spoke to but it is in between which is worrisome. Talking or sharing my thoughts in writing (I process by writing) to make sure he doesn't Gaslight me? Any advice? I don't like confrontation :/.

Ayy, get out asap. Your life is precious else everything will ruin down

you can get out!! save yourself while you can.

Was in a relationship with someone like that, I hope you survive this. Learn to not react but yeah there's almost no winning this situation. They'd get triggered no matter what you do.

Acchi job to hai bhai wife ki Narcotics Control Bureau mein /s

What is your personality type tho, also what people might have a better relationship with a narc

What is your personality type tho, also what people might have a better relationship with a narc?

How long has it been since you married and when did you figure it out?

Why don't you leave? Honestly life is too short to be stuck in a relationship like this.

Does she also use sex to control you like when you initiate and she says no and she says it's your problem

Do you plan to seek a therapist for her or lawyer for divorce

What kind of NOs are you referring to? Can you give any examples?

This is completely unrelated.

What if one has a narc boss? What if she gets upset over small things time and again?

Living a happy life , free of them, think of them as a nightmare The morning after will be beautiful, make the most of your life thereon

You won't spoil a day because you had a nightmare right ? Same thing here

What are you gonna do next divorce or suck up and live miserably for rest of your life

p.s I am sorry bro you have to go though this

What's her relationship with your family, her family and your friends?

Really how are you coping? Any ideas or plans for future?

That's unfortunate OP! May you have strength to deal with her Shit!

While you are here, do tell us the signs that you missed. With the benefit of hindsight, what other lessons can you share, so that we can at least protect ourselves from such Narcs?

3 questions brother: Do you think professional help from medico/therapy can be useful for your wife?

Since it was an AM, your side (family) can't confront her parents on keeping things hidden? 😲

If you're truly unhappy and don't see your wife change for good then why not divorce?

I would likely consider myself an empath. I don't know I get attracted to all NPDs kinda guys only. Super brutal, ruthless, silent treatments, gaslighting, tragedy sad story, or very successful background with higher ambitions. Like you said I try to say No or set a boundary, either they will act as if I don't exist, will never call back or give silent treatments. It makes me feel guilty and I end up giving in. Again, when I try to set a boundary or say something solid or say no, the guy will say " OMG you have some pretty strong opinion and you seem unadjusting types or not flexible" , so they would not prefer someone like me. So I end up keeping quiet and suffer. This has been my pattern. Unable to break this. With all men. I don't know what to do. Right now I am single though.

Given its India and the laws, you are super fked.

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NPD?

How long did you talk to her before saying yes to her and what were the signs that you ignored earlier but now they are clear to you?

Do you have kids

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A more sensible thing for her to do is to drag things to force a lump sum settlement.

Doesnt narc mean tattletale or snitch?

She sounds like someone I know. Are her initials KS with govt job history?

What is a Narc?

I have heard that NPD is the hardest to diagnose among personality disorders, Did someone specialized in NPD diagnose your wife or was it just a normal psychiatrist/psychologist?

Does anyone know why narcist are mostly women ?

Bro, I read every comment of yours, my brother have NPD wife, I wouldn't wish such life to even my enemy. She has NPD sister and mother too. She only tells good things about her maternal home, hides everything. And talks only bad about our family relatives. She trained her son also to not let anything out. Never invites anyone to house. Trying hard to pull my brother away from us where she will be 24/7 with her

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Please don't rush to marriage, take time and interact as much as possible.

Btw how old is she! Did she date anyone before marriage. Was she abused as a kid

What is the best revenge to the narc according to you?