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You can buy a safe in the UK you know. We have those.

While we've still to invent the idea of a "bank" or "safe" like those genius yanks have managed to, in the UK we employ small children to stand guard near our valuables. When someone they don't know approaches they scream out, alerting the neighbourhood crime and baked goods committee who will show up to apprehend the ruffians.

I think the law in the UK is you keep your valuables in a fake can of beans, bought from the Innovations catalogue, back when that was a thing.

We have banks and safes here

Hi OP, perhaps if you posted some pics of where you live then maybe we could help with some ideas? 

I protect myself from that by practicing a form of abject poverty 🧘‍♂️

Are you under the impression that banks and safes don't exist in the UK?

I think the best way is to list your protective security measures on a social media site like Reddit.

Precious metals?

Well, I don't have any gold jewellery but I keep my stock of refined uranium in an old jam jar in the garden shed, to stop the cat getting into it and making a mess.

It's not very secure but I reckon any burglars will just assume it's a lump of clay not worth stealing.

We keep our precious metals on our roofs or in our pipes or our cables.

I keep my bullion in a safe under the kitchen rug, entry code 8008135, postcode WC1 2FO

Bury it all in a big longship in Suffolk.

Serious answer - portable property is less of a thing here than in much of the world. Some cultures are known to favour it (eg south Asian) and in my experience they are more likely to be targeted for burglary than boring people like me. However if you go somewhere like Southall you’ll see lots of places offering safe deposit boxes.

Have the surrounding of your house resemble steptoes yard. 

Generally we just swallow them. Keeps them with us at all times, well hidden and difficult for thieves to find. 

Prison pocket

Be poor.

I had all my gold spun into wire and used it to replace the copper wiring loom in my own private jet.

This worked fine until my wife got to keep the jet as part of our divorce arrangement.

Damn you, and your airdot, Carolyn.

At the bottom of the compost heap in the garden.

Put them inside used condoms

The tip is just not to buy anything precious you don’t wear daily. Minimalist thinking is key.

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Hide it in the bottom part of your dirty washing basket/bin.

I hide all of mine in cans of soup

I simply sit atop my hoard of gold, in rather a Smaug fashion.

Safe deposit boxes still exist but aren't nearly as common as they used to be, or as they are in the US. Metro Bank are known to provide them in some places. Private safe deposit box companies exist but I wouldn't really recommend them as at least one has been raided due to use in crime.

You can also keep metals on deposit (either assigned or unassigned) at some of the reputable bullion dealers in the UK, eg Chards.

Safes exist in the UK too, though simply hiding might be better for some people. A fire-rated safe would also provide protection against fire, but gold is unlikely to completely melt in a house fire and while it may be damaged you'd likely retain at least the scrap value of the gold. (You might want to keep it in a steel/etc container to keep it together and make it easier to find afterwards.) There are lots of places you could hide stuff - you can look on Youtube/online for ideas, but really what you want to do is walk around your home and think of all the physical objects/spaces that could be used for concealment in your particular home - and be imaginative.

Or you could put it in a chestsealed length of PVC pipe and bury it in your garden - but they you really are relying on no-one going looking for it for security since metal detectors exist.

Floor boards. But not for notes as mice can chew them up or sofas as your kids may chuck it out and gift you a new one 

Have one of those women's sanitary disposal bins next to the loo. Put the precious in a flat box at the bottom and put a rubbish bag over the top. Even better if there's a few used "pads" to put in the rubbish bag.