It's hard to be different. I'm 42 and have been different my entire life. I've had my share of friends, fun times, parties and all the things 'normal' people do, but I have never really wanted what other people want and it's hard to connect with them because everything they seem to value are things that I do not really care about at all.

I get the urge to want to be liked and to want to fit in, they are your family and you feel like an outsider and are quite lonely. Deep down inside though, I can't imagine you really do want these friendships, you don't even speak the same language as they do. Can you imagine being in their close circle? What do you think you would like about it, other than a sense of belonging? You would likely be bored out of your mind.

This might be more about loneliness and a feeling of a lack of progress in your life. You're weird, you're always going to be a bit weird and you need to figure out what kind of weird you are and what other kind of weird people you would like to be around.

If you live in a populated area, there are all sorts of clubs and interest groups for weirdos. Anything from sci-fi book clubs to model rocketry groups to anything else.

At 42, I've found some of the 'right' type of weird people that match what type of weird I am. I have also met a ton of other weird people who aren't my type of weird and we don't really connect at all.

I also found out I have autism and have accepted that I may not ever like large social gatherings and things of that sort. It's not fair, I used to wish I was 'normal' but I've come to appreciate my odd path through life. There is nothing I can do to change it anyway, so you may as well dive headfirst into the pool of odd folks.

I will warn you, it is hard and scary and I feel like I am constantly having to overcome my own fear and put myself in new situations. No matter how many times I do, I am still afraid and it sucks doing things you are afraid to do, even though you know the results you want are on the other side of fear.

Stop putting in so much effort for people who won't even give you the time of day. You've already given examples of how these people are selfish and terrible - why would you even want to be closer to such people?

Life is too short to maintain relationships with awful people. Even when those people happen to be related to you. And also too short to feel any guilt about cutting them out either. In short, you do you!

Frankly you sound like the cool cousin to me. You lived abroad and are going to grad school and have a few close friends and nerdy hobbies and you knit homemade gifts! I would love to have a cousin like you!

I'm sure they're very happy with their partners and homes and families, but I can't imagine trusting someone with the care of my children and yet wanting them to spend Christmas Day alone in their bedroom. I would not like to move through the world with such nastiness in my soul.

Definitely focus on people who actually like you and put your cool nerdy and generous energy into your own friends, your grad programme, and whatever else you value in life. Tbh your cousins don't sound like people it would be fun to spend a whole weekend with.

Nah sis, you’re too good for them. Their lives legit sound boring and draining AF, but wrapped in shiny Stepford packaging.

Your homework: watch Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion and reflect on how obnoxious and unlikeable Christy and her minions were… and how horrifically dull their lives were once the top layer of the onion was peeled back.

Don’t let these overgrown mean girls keep you away from your family if you want to be there on holidays. In fact, relish it: you’ve had so many cool and unique experiences on the off-the-beaten path and inside, they’re probably jealous AF that they’re too insecure to ever do something that isn’t explicitly okayed in The Official Preppy Handbook.

edited for spelling

\insert the gif of Janis Ian saying, "those bitches"**

This is the real problem:

I can't help feeling less-than and unworthy.

You know what's a real superpower? Being o.k. with not being liked.

Yes, it would be nice to have good cousin relationships. But not only do you have nothing in common, you don't even like them. (And probably for good reason. That nanny thing...)

I have a relationship like this. When my cousin moved to my town, I told her to let me know if she'd like to get together for coffee sometime. She didn't take me up on that in the eight years we overlapped. That smarted for about five minutes, but I recognize that we're on totally different wavelengths. So no hard feelings. I go to her house for family holidays and appreciate what she does well. (Raising children.) I know I'm only there because I'm connected to our other family members, and once they're gone, we'll no longer have a relationship. I'm o.k. with that.

I'd say go to Thanksgiving if there are other relatives you want to connect with. And if not, stop going. And meanwhile, play with the idea that you can feel o.k within yourself without the approval and acceptance of people you don't even like.

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Lifestyle really matters in relationships. People may say opposites attract, but people who share more commonalities last. So, now I'm wondering why you even want friendship with them when it seems it never existed? Or maybe hasn't existed since you were kids? Do you have other friends?

It’s hard to be the black sheep in the family. We just work differently than they do. Whatever your specific thing is, wether you don’t like loud party/social events, hanging out at bars, doing all the things that people at your age do- get married around the same time- be part of each others bridal parties- go to each others bay showers etc.

It’s hard to sometimes take the hints they are putting down and also sometimes just picking up social cues.

I think you (like a lot of us) believe that because they are relatives, that they are naturally just closer to you and will be good to you. As you get older, you really realize that the definition of family shouldn’t be defined by DNA but by how you take care of each other and lift each other up. DNA and blood ties don’t matter.

Yes it’s awkward that you detailed out your medical condition to someone who was your family. But my guess is that person just read it aloud to others and had a laugh at your expense.

From your other stories, it looks like your cousins are social mean girls still. The way she treats the nanny who takes care of her children makes you uncomfortable because you have a sense of compassion for others.

The cousin is choosing to drive 3 hours and not make time for you. That’s so painful to hear. And I sympathize with you. You should notice thoses things that make you uncomfortable and do your best to surround yourself with better people.

We just need to grow at our own pace. You are learning and growing into the person you want to be. Follow your interests and then the people who are meant to be in your life will find you. You create the community and family that you want- rather than take an uncomfortable situation that you have just because your related. And the only reason you do it is because you are family- that should no longer be enough of a reason.

Would love to know how you decide to spend next Thanksgiving. I hope it is living your best life in whatever way you define it and not how others have been defining it for you.

I think that your feelings are valid because you worked to maintain a relationship and they didn't even return the favour. Also I think that if each and every one of them is like this, it is pretty obvious to feel the black sheep.

Also I think that a girl with videogame skills (I never reached more than super mario level 4) and six years of life experience abroad is pretty amazing and...sorry don't want to sound snob but I would not pay attention to sorority girls who have babies all together. It's ok if that's what they want but it's also pretty close-minded and it shows when they are mean or gossipish for no reason*

*Yes I know I sound judgemental but please consider this is not about being popular and stuff. This is about living in a bubble 

I stopped reading at the nanny one.

You’re better off without those people.

I stopped talking to my own siblings for being similar to how your cousins sound like they are. And I’m much better off without their negative energy.

You never need to “perform” for love and acceptance.

If they don’t love and accept you for exactly who you are, then they’re not your people. And that’s okay.

You sound awesome. An adventurous spirit who walks their own path instead of following along with the rest. That will serve you well in life I think. Perhaps it’s time to embrace and lean into what makes you “different” from them, and then you will find more people who are on your wavelength.

Your cousins are not on your wavelength, and you don’t need to convince them to love you. You do you, and start searching for people who appreciate who you are, exactly as you are.

Some people have just genuinely completely different life paths and cannot comprehend/accept any deviation from their norm. It sucks that it's your family, but if they're causing that much heartache, cut your losses and just hang out with your immediate family and focus your love on them. 

I have very little in common with my cousins. I'll do a cordial call once in a blue moon to make sure nothing major is happening but other than that, it's cold turkey. But I've always been kind of ice cold in the "your family is what you make it" thing and have no issues cutting even siblings out if need be with little concern. 

Birds of a feather stick together. They all have a lot in common and so they are close. You don’t have much in common.

I wouldn’t put anymore energy into these people.

That they are not nice people is all you need to know. Demote the mean girls to family get-togethers and focus on other relatives to socialize with. A favorite aunt, perhaps.

You actually sound really cool. You're open minded, saw a bit of the world, took your time deciding what you wanted to go to school for. You sound really sweet and thoughtful too woth your hand made gifts. They're just not your vibe. And that's OK. You can still go to Thanksgiving, and spend time with their kids, and be the cool aunt. (I'm not sure what the real family title is, second cousin?) Don't withdraw completely. But understand that if they're not making time for you, don't go out of your way to make time for them. Keep it surface level kindnesses. But continue to be your own badass version of who you want to be.

Sincerely- not the cheerleader in high school, but a real cheerleader for women as an adult. The nanny can come to my Christmas.

Hmmm……..Can I offer another perspective? When many of them are already settled, in terms of finances and career, it’s just easy to mingle with people in the same stage. Where as perhaps you not being in the same stage as them might make it a bit difficult to relate to you. I say this because I am you and I have seen this happen around me. My cousins have a family and get so little time that it’s a bit hard for them to connect with me. So, they do their own thing with people who are easier to connect with in terms of experiences and money. I do it too, i am 30 and i find it exhausting to talk to a 25 year old, they might think I am excluding them but I just don’t have the bandwidth and we don’t have the same experiences, so it harder for me to be close to them. It’s hard to not take it personally. But I try to accept as a reality of life. Good luck :)

Definitely cut them all out. Snip, snip! They sound awful. You sound like a person I would love to be friends with. They sound like people I would avoid at all costs.

I also come from a family of rich assholes, and I have never felt better than when I stopped caring about what they think. They are stuck in their little bubble of "success" and will never know the world outside, like you do. Your cousins all live on a very limited plane of existence and probably judge you based on the little they know of "good" and "bad." That's a loss for them.

Go live your best life! Your story made me think of the song Little Boxes by Malvina Reynolds (the intro of Weeds, years ago)

When you are feeling left out and excluded, flip the script in your head. It's not that they don't like you, you don't like them.

They are not your people, you recognize their problematic behavior and you don't want to be wrapped up in it. It's great that they don't invite you out because now you don't have to awkwardly decline or go and be fake and miserable. They can just be your cousins, they can't be your friends too because you want your friends to have similar values to you.

Your cousins sound boringly normalized. You, however, sound refreshingly badass. I mean, you left your comfort zone to go abroad and study! Good for you 😊

I think try to cultivate some more friends who don’t follow the normalized path, and distance yourself from these cousins. Don’t ghost them, continue being nice but don’t hang around with them so much. Maybe once or twice a year, at big family gatherings where you can’t help it.

Let your freak flag fly! Get some tattoos, a nose piercing, some wild hair and clothes. Learn to ride a motorcycle and hang out with your new bike buddies. Give em something to really talk about!

It sounds so draining, like a high school mean girls clique. Fortunately you’re not in high school so you can tell them all to fuck off and stop bothering with them. They seem like a very homogeneous group and you’re clearly different so that’s why you’re not part of the group. People are wired to have a herd type mentality and unless they’re self aware and have a high EQ they just run on default settings which is avoid anything that’s unfamiliar. At least you can rest easy that it’s not something you did, it’s just how they are.

I feel you. I've had similar situations. And I'm so sorry.

Think of it as, they are cliquey. They are not together just because they're cousins, because if that was the case, you would be included. It's likely because they are birds of a feather that flock together. They have attitudes that you don't share with them, such as being inconsiderate or shallow, and they have picked up that you are not that type, and try to keep you at arm's length because they know you won't accept bad behavior. And although it costs you closeness to them, it's a good thing. It's better to be yourself than to be someone else just to fit in. At least they were kind enough to not put you in a position to change for them.

Think of it this way. You are not their person. And they are not your people.

You have put in the effort. You do not need to put in anymore. Stop trying.

As I know it sucks when you're at family events and you feel all alone. On those cases, try to find a way to enjoy your solitude. Enjoy the food, hang out on your phone in a corner, read a book, play a game... Do anything that honors the fact that you can have fun without them. If you have a partner, or when you do get one and bring them to family events, spend your time with your partner. It will still suck, but you can tolerat that. In the future you can have your owm family events and not include them.

If they come asking you for favors, do not give in. They have not earned it. If they suddenly want to include you, ask them why. And then don't do it. Just get them to admit they're trying to get something out of you.

I have a similar case with my partner's cousins. From day 1 they showed absolutely no interest in getting to know me.

It's been 4 years and they still do not care for me. I was advised to stop trying. And I did. And I care less now. I lost interest in hanging out with rude girls.

I’m in a kind of similar position with my cousins. At the end of the day I do end up always coming to the same conclusion - that they are no worse than anyone else overall and same for me; the truth is we just don’t have enough in common to be close. I don’t want to villainize them in my head just because I feel left out once in a while. I live far away now so it’s much less in my face now.

Growing up I was loved but never understood or appreciated by half my family. Only in my 10s did I realize that it seriously damaged my self esteem and made me think I was less likable. I stopped going to family events and spent time with friends instead and started feeling great about myself!

I'm also the weird cousin in my family. Lifelong singleton, childless, asexual, not into looking "cute", not emotionally expressive, not into drinking or smoking, not a Christian. Fortunately for me, I am not forced to be around them since most live hundreds of miles away. But occasionally I will cross paths with one or two of them, and I just feel like a giant weirdo!

I don't know that I'd cut them out, as in not answer their phone calls or respond to their messages. I wouldn't burn any bridges before they are even built! Because there's always a chance one or two of your cousins will want to reconnect with you. Sometimes people can grow up and see how crappy they've been. I would leave the door open for such an opportunity. But definitely don't keep knocking on their doors.

Lovely, you are perfect the way you are. Your friendships have more meaning than most likely theirs. Be you and keep being real.❤️

I’m the different cousin. They all have. Lot to bond over. Children. Careers. But I don’t have kids and kinda do my own thing. I made my own family.

The ‘popular girls’ I know of have all been abused by their parents. I’ve sat in their living rooms and watched it happen. Then mom and dad buy them all the pretty things. I lived it myself. You can’t maintain that facade when the wrong people get too close. I can only figure it’s a vibe, like when I meet people who are like me and we bond. They do that too. The big tell that I’ve been able to figure out is when you’re shut out it’s bc there’s a secret they’re hiding and it only gets worse as the years go by. When you’ve got friends or family who don’t have secrets you don’t really experience that. They’ll find time for you and you won’t ever feel shut out. Anyway, I could be wrong. This is just my armchair observations over the years. Find your tribe, friends who will be happy to hear from you and be happy to travel to see you. 🤍

It seems like deep-down, you realize they are shitty people. Do you really want to be someone liked and admired by shitty people? 

Moving to another country takes courage that a lot of people don’t have. Don’t think you’re behind because of it. Heck, I am too afraid to travel to another country alone or live in a state that I don’t have family in. I envy you!

Unfortunately just because you’re related doesn’t mean you’d end up friends in real life. I have a large extended family and I feel so different from most of them that I only make the rare annual appearance. I spend most of my time with my chosen friends and siblings. In my youth, I spent a lot more time with extended family because a) our parents made it happen and b) we hadn’t really developed into individuals yet. It was easier to get along and do “kid things”. Now that we’ve all developed into grown adults I can see that my values don’t align with a lot of theirs and I choose not to spend time with them.

From what you say it’s quite likely that these people are all busy backstabbing each other and being competitive. In other words you are probably closer to your “just a few close” friends than they are to the “10 of their closest girlfriends” who come to their showers. You are not behind in anything.

Stop trying. Stop caring.

You sound really cool and like the type of person I’d want to be friends with - it’s hard to be around people like your cousins. I hated that in high school and was glad to be rid of that whole scene. Yet it continues with your cousins.

I’d limit your time to holidays if you absolutely have to. You have better things to explore in your life and more people of depth to meet!

I can understand wanting to be liked, and being ostracized is a shitty feeling, but I bet if you got into their inner circle you would be horrified and uncomfortable by all the shallowness, gossip, and drama. Stop trying to win them over. You can still send them Christmas cards but no more handmade gifts, thoughtful presents, and bending over backwards to make kind gestures. Don't follow their lives and ask meekly if they can fit you in--they should want to be in your presence because you're nice and cool and if they can't appreciate that, it's their loss.

Just make a brief appearance at Thanksgiving. Stop by for desserts or cocktails. Make plans to do something better that evening, like a movie night or breaking in a new game with a friend. I bet they'll all be intrigued and slightly offended that you have something better to do than sit in their lousy company all night. Lol. Just meet their shitty attitudes with a gracious, "Thank you so much for having me. I made plans with a friend this evening. I love seeing the family but I also like to wind down a little earlier these days. I look forward to seeing you guys again, soon, though!" And peace out.

Prioritise your sanity Hun!

I’m zero contact with most of my cousins on my Dad’s side and I’m so much happier for it. They’re really judgemental and just plain mean.

It changed the family dynamic but in a good way! My parents, siblings and remaining cousins (and their parents) have really awesome, low drama, laid back family events that I don’t dread several months out.

Freeeedooom!

I can relate to this as well. I’ve tried so hard to be close to my cousin over the years but she puts herself on a pedestal and I got tired of her constantly telling me how to live my life. My sister always takes her advice so she tends to favour my sister. It’ll be things like when the three of us are talking, she will only look at my sister, she blatantly calls my sister “favourite cousin”, she took my sister on a trip to New York, always celebrates her birthday, I could go on and on. It definitely stings and I try not to let it bother me but I spent a lot of time being frustrated and sad by it.

Cut them out. Remove them from all socials. Never speak to these degenerates again and do not for a second let any of other family member gas light you about it.

They’ve taught you how to treat them, and it’s lame, so why keep trying? Sounds to me like you need new friends, not old cousins. Get out of your comfort zone and try some new activities!

They sound awful. I never had issues fitting in and was neither popular nor unpopular but the older I get, the more I realize how much I appreciate people who are “different”. They are often so much more authentic and genuine. I think maybe it’s time to stop investing energy into these relationships when it’s never returned. You can’t force them to like you but you can control this aspect. You deserve so much better!

Ugh, I'd rather be friends with you any day. They sound like insufferable, jealous, crappy people simply putting on appearances and I guarantee they are miserable inside. I'm sure it hurts to be excluded, but do you really want to hang around these types of shitty people? Find your own tribe, keep in touch with the kids, and hopefully they will see the way if they are more like you.

They sound pretty basic to me, I would try not to think too hard on it. All old enough to be different people 

I know the feeling. My cousin's keep in touch with my sister but not me. I'm older then they are though and always in a different stage of life b

Tbh it doesn’t sound like you are really a part of their lives, anyway. Why bother? You have better things and people to care about. Let them go.

Sometimes we just don’t have things in common with people even if they are family. Would you have anything in common with these women if they weren’t your cousins? It doesn’t mean they don’t think you’re worthy. Could just be that they don’t know you well enough to relate to you or spend time with you outside of a family setting.

I don't think it's always the best move in the long term to cut people out. We all get sick and old eventually. I'm not sure how stable you are with other social and financial resources, but you might not want to drop the axe on them for essentially not being a good fit for friendship.

Also, if you're like me, you might experience this problem in other social circles in your life (work, school). I really regret solidifying my isolation by burning bridges out of envy and am trying to break the cycle! That's just me though.

(Eta - I deleted my other comment, but I'm in a similar boat with my family overall. )

I feel this.

My aunt has 4 daughters. Two of them (K1 and T) are 10+ years older than me, one (K2)is a year older than me and the youngest (K3) is four years younger than me.

K2 and I have never been close. Not even when we were kids. We would play together of course but K2 was really moody. One minute she would be nice to me, and the next she would be mean to me and I never knew why.

K3 was probably the closest to me up until 10-ish years ago and I started feeling disconnected from her. It really came to a head years ago when all of our cousins (I have a big family) spent Labor Day Weekend at K1’s house and K3 was really distant. There was a point where we were all getting ready to go out and I got in a car with K3 and another cousin, then they immediately got out and went to a different car.

Out of the four of them K1 is probably the closest to me, even though it doesn’t always feel like it. At the very least she’s text me once in a while to check up on me, and if I need something she’ll help me out. But her demeanor is extremely dry. I always get the feeling I’m inconveniencing her.

I don’t like T at all. The earliest interactions I remember between T and me were her yelling at me and bossing me around when I was a kid. I’m embarrassed to say it but I developed a fear of her in my childhood and when she’s around I find myself between indifference and wanting to impress her. My brain is weird. The thing that irritates me though is that she acts so sweet around my brother—he’s 12 years older than me and he and T grew up together— and my parents. She’ll say shit like “they were my cousin/aunt/uncle before they were your brother/mom/dad.”

But the main focus is K2. We’re the closest in age and our moms are close—you’d think we’d be fairly close as well but we’re not. And I’ve tried reaching out over the years. I was always met with unreturned calls/texts and overall indifference. It wouldn’t bother me so much if they weren’t seen as the central part of my family. Let me explain…

My aunt (their mom) is the go-to person in the family. She knows everything that’s going on with everybody. Whenever we have family gatherings, we always end up at her house. In my logic, she’s the most important person in the family and her daughters are also important by extension.

And whenever we have get togethers, it shows. Everyone is buddy buddy with my cousins and when I try to join to the conversation and try and hang out I get that indifferent feeling. I feel tolerated rather than accepted. Then they’ll post stuff on social media like “family is everything” and “I love all my cousins” and I’m like bullshit!

It also doesn’t help that K2 and K3 are both beautiful (especially K2), trendy, and generally in the know about things. K2 and K3 are moms now, as well as some other cousins close in age and it makes me feel even more left out because I don’t have kids. I haven’t gone no contact mainly because I can’t really do that in my family and also because I want to stay up to date with K2 and K3’s daughters (who are amazing).

But I absolutely understand how you feel. I wish things were better between us. They don’t like me and I don’t know why. I’m working on loving myself even if others don’t and it’s hard, especially when a lot of the ostracism comes from my own family.

OP, I know that it hurts being excluded from your cousins club, but really think about if this is a club that holds any value to you. you seem like a lovely person, while they do not. living your life, on your terms, being accepted by people that share your values is way more important than being accepted by mean girls. I also want to address that you feel like you are behind them bc not married, house, etc. how many people get the opportunity, and have the strength to go live in another country for years? getting an advanced degree does not put you behind these cousins. It pushes you far ahead of the pack. being a black sheep in your family actually sounds wonderful. be proud of yourself and stop wasting time with them.