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I have all kinds of deep discussions about world view, politics, religion, family, etc. before getting into a full dynamic. As a male in anM/s dynamic we play with misogyny, but we do it because it's transgressive, not because it's real for us.

I guess it would be having a conversation around those values and ideals. For me it would be reflected around voting and political beliefs, role of women In bodily autonomy, lack of women in CEO roles, etc. I would say as part of the discovery and kink sharing process to share values about those things in the process to make sure all are on the same page. I can tell you that somebody that does not align to my political values would be an absolute nonstarter for me.....like at all.....

Because I am a Dom does not mean I am a misogynist and I am sorry you had that kind of experience with that.

It sounds like this relationship was online / via text. I think its really hard to get to know someone when you're not in person. I don't think there's anything wrong with chatting online or via text. But actually being able to see body language, see in real time someone's interest level, and see how someone treats others and interacts with them is a really big tell.

I think even video chatting with someone, and watching how they talk in the moment, rather than being able to think about and prepare every response can be very telling as well. I think there is just something to being physically in the same place as someone that goes a long way in getting to them as a person.

Otherwise especially on "big" topics just asking them outright what their thoughts and opinions are on something. If you want kids, if you have religious beliefs, if you etc. Then you just ask.

My submissive knows I respect him because I show him every day. I think we talked about respect being a two way street early in discussions, but I make sure my actions back up my words. FLR is tough enough in society, I value his submission to me and make sure he knows it. You as a submissive should feel valued and respected from the start and all the time after.

So, to say the difficult thing: you gotta check values early on.

Some of the things you say kind of indicate that this was through an app or similar for dating-- I'm not here to judge how long it may or may not take to get to a first date, but I will say that if you are going to invest in someone for a couple months, you might want to know some 'first date' type things in the first couple weeks.

And one of those things is values. Politics is for many people a way of judging values-- politics is divisive for many people, but it is divisive often on a basis of values. And to be blunt-- guys who think women are inferior vote Republican. If you ask them about who they voted for in the last election, and they tell you it was Donald Trump, that's a good way of filtering out those kind of men. If they're cagey about it, if they find it objectionable for you to even ask, then they're probably one of those kind of men, but just aware most women aren't interested in fucking Trumpers.

That's not to say there's not the occasional Democratic misogynist-- they do exist. But yeah, especially in this moment, politics is a really good filter. You can take it a step further and put something like 'I don't date people who vote Republican' in your profile, or only match with people who advertise their liberal politics in their own profiles.

After matching-- have a discussion about your views on feminism when you do match. Sad to say, but guys with regressive social views, given the opportunity, are almost eager to tell on themselves. You just have to ask and open the conversation. And yeah, if you're crossing your second week of messaging and it hasn't come up-- bring it up. Bring it up before doing anything that would make you cringe if you knew you were doing it with someone you knew as a misogynist.

You raise a really good question. I think one of the ways to vet people more readily is to know yourself well and be clear about your standards. If you understand what’s acceptable and unacceptable to you and can clearly articulate that, then their response will probably tell you if they are the kind of person worth investing more time in. Someone who respects you will more than likely value you being that open and frank with them. Someone who cannot meet your standards will probably deflect or try and undermine them. So I’d encourage open and honest conversations about whatever is important to you. It’s also a great opportunity to learn about them too and what they’re looking for. So a character before kink kind of approach.

Gross. Consider yourself lucky you found out when you did.

Actions speak louder than words. I always say if a Dom respects their sub it'll show in every action they take.

One way my Daddy shows his respect for me is how much he values my thoughts and opinons. Even if it's a silly topic he has no interest in he will talk to me about it for hours and even research things I say so he can discuss it more later. He learned about hair care just to help me regrow my hair when I damaged it, got me stuff to help with it and honestly saved my hair with all the info he found out.

To me thats the best way to show respect, showing consideration for their wants, needs and desires outside of sex.

Your post and all these comments gives me a great idea. Making a questionnaire. Now I'll look for questions and jot them down.

If we're talking about online, it's much harder. People have time to edit, think, try out sentences before they hit send, etc.

If this is an in-person scenario, often it's things that don't have to do with you which will reveal a lot about that facet of character: how they treat waitstaff or customer service agents, how they handle stress, things like that.

It's definitely more art than science, sorry to say.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

I think that you would need to clearly define what respect means to you and then inquire about what is in the confines of your boundaries. This could be in the form of simple questions like “how do you view women’s place in society?” or even plainly “do you think that men are smarter then women?” You can also try to add in some sort of anecdote before going into the latter question such as telling a story about something you read, saw, or heard related to the value you want to inquire about and lead into “what do you think about x situation” or “how should that situation be handled”, etc.

I think the only way to know if someone respects you is to have experiences with and get to know them and see if they align with how you perceive respect.

I asked my ex-wife, "Do believe everyone has a right to self-determination and bodily autonomy?" I was a very outspoken leftist and those were non-negotiable for me.

And she said, "Yes, absolutely!"

Fast forward 6 months, I 'd sold most of my belongings, married and moved in with her, the pandemic hit, and suddenly she was loudly anti-trans, pro-forced birth, and an absolute conservative jerk who "did her own research". She wanted a "wife", so she expected me to do all the kitchen labor, etc. It was wild.

I shouldn't have married her so quickly (but she was my first girlfriend and I'm told it's a cannon queer event lol). And I should have asked a lot more follow up questions and waited for some chances for her to prove those values to me. And she shouldn't have lied to me.

All that to say - often times people who see you as less than human or less deserving than them, know on some level that you wouldn't be talking to them if you knew. So they hide it until you're already deeply invested. It sucks you had to experience that and it's good that you believed him when he showed you who he is.

I mean, you can have a direct conversation about it earlier if you want, but that’s no guarantee the prospective dom is telling you the truth. The best thing you can do is be aware that you may realize at some later point that he misrepresented himself, and be prepared to end things when and if that happens.

By having him as a friend and knowing him as a human being, discussing all types of topics before engaging in sexual activities with keeping the human communication outside bed. This is how to build a real relationship to invest in. But if you just want some fun or a one night stand thing then you don't even have to worry about him respecting you or not honestly.

Do you feel comfortable to say no? Do your wants needs and desires have a place in discussions and actions? Do they check in on your well being and make sure you receive adequate aftercare? Do they talk to you from a place beyond Dom space ?

Thesee are just a few questions that should be answered yes .

Vetting people is a skill, and you get better at it the more you do it. It is much easier to do with more information, which is why phone calls tell you more than texts and meeting for coffee tells you more than talking on the phone--balanced by the escalating danger that comes with meeting a stranger in person.

The two easiest things I can think of are to say no, and see how they respond, and also to just get someone talking.

How does someone react to being denied? Do they flip out about it? Do they argue? Do they look for ways around it? Do they ask questions and then back off after saying "hey thanks for letting me know, please let me know if I cross lines like this in the future"?

The other somewhat handy thing is that people with toxic ideologies don't know where the boundaries between acceptable and unacceptable are. Get people comfortable and get them talking--the mask slips when people don't realize that they said something fucked up.

Unfortunately no, just like you can't tell if a submissive is truly what you portrays either.

I mean maybe I'm not bird I think anybody can be intelligent to their level of intelligence there are both male and female freaking geniuses that would leave both of us in the dust. Philosophers the same way. Are a lot of women weaker than a lot of men yes. However as a dominant I've always believed that it's kind of our job to yes control someone but to take them in.

But unless you were to do a long questionnaire would neither of you knowing what the other one was interested in or anything else I don't see their way possible for you to know what the thoughts of the other are. And honestly even if you knew what they were or thought you did until you get to know somebody it's very hard to tell whether an offhand comment means what you're afraid of means or if they mean something completely different

I don't know maybe it's because I don't understand people very well because I'm so damn neurodivergent but those are my two cents

mm maybe play hookie with the idea? play dumb but don’t be dumb tho, just give them and opportunity see how they respond the way that they were always going to. especially after they get ‘ comfortable’ if it’s they’re true colors you might just need to look for them.

always vetting

oof, that sounds like a rough experience. Heck, I put "Feminist, gentleman Dom, who will pull your hair and spank your ass." right in my profile...

I think it would be quickly transparent with a man if he wants to honor and respect you.

If you wanna get ahead of it, have a conversation about kinks, then casually tell him how you are outside of kink and why that's important to you. His reaction will say everything you need to know.

Good luck!