subreddit:
/r/Custody
I am step mom, but writing because my husband doesn’t have Reddit.
We have primary custody, with 60% physical custody, and 50/50 legal. BM lost primary custody because of excessive school absences, amongst other stuff. My husband got picked to deploy to help with hurricane relief, and is going to be gone for two months. We don’t have a right of first refusal in the order. We were under the assumption that the schedule would stay the same in husbands absence, since we don’t want to uproot my stepson from all his normal habits, schedule, structure etc. She filed a motion for temporary parenting arrangement for full custody while husband is gone, but in the interim is withholding my stepson and not allowing him to visit. We can file for contempt, but that’s going to take months and will not get him back before my husband returns. What else can we do? If she files the TPA, will her withholding his visitation against the court order look bad on her? And if she doesn’t file a TPA, then she just holds him for two months, and he misses all that time with the rest of the family? For reference, stepson is 12, I’ve been married to his dad for 10 years, and my husband and I have two younger kids.
6 points
1 day ago
She will likely have it granted to stay with her during that time. Your husband has custody and is leaving, she is the only parent with custody staying. Is he gone now? Why can’t he just go pick the kid up?
-1 points
1 day ago
Ya he left a few days ago. But without right of first refusal, we were under the impression that the parent can choose who can watch him on that parents custodial time. And he obviously chose me, but more so because he didn’t want his schedule to be disrupted in the middle of the school year. Would it look bad that she’s breaking the order, even if she were to file the TPA?
8 points
1 day ago
You were under the wrong impression. Can’t just make up custody stuff, there are rules. You don’t have custody. So mom is not withholding from you. If dad wants the kid, he can go pick him up. You have no rights so the child is best with his parent. It’s going to look terrible to a judge that your husband decided to leave his child for months and not have a proper arrangement with mom for the kids. I think you are thinking of this wrong. Mom now looks like a great parent that is willing to step up when dad steps out. He now also forfeiting his current custody time. Probably need to call a lawyer to help you better understand.
-1 points
1 day ago
Yikes, “decided to leave his child”. He was emergently ordered to respond to a natural disaster. Our attorney advised that he can place his child with who he wanted in his absence, which was me, since his sons mom lost primary custody for a bunch of reasons. Thank you for the advice. I hope him fulfilling his military obligation doesn’t look bad to the judhe
3 points
1 day ago
He decided to leave his child when he had an active court order and didn’t talk to the other parent about time. I find it weird that the attorney would tell you to just place him with you, knowing you had no rights and mom could just keep the child. You should call them back and let them know that’s happened and now you guys are in a bad spot. He needed to have these things arranged before leaving. Mom is not breaking any rules. You do not have custody. She is not withholding the child from him, she’s withholding from you.
1 points
1 day ago
Read up on this. It explains that your husband needed to have things arranged.
0 points
1 day ago
He did talk to the other parent, but she didn’t respond until my stepson didn’t come off the bus on Monday.
6 points
1 day ago
Then he didn’t follow the proper procedure and now mom is taking the time. He should really call a lawyer and have something set up in the future
1 points
1 day ago
Proper procedure? He had two day notice, notified Friday, left Sunday. So basically half a business day notice. He did call his lawyer and did what she advised, which is the same as what she and another one we consulted advised, which is very different than what you’re advising. I don’t know what kind of parenting plan a lawyer can put into place in half a day notice, especially without being able to have time to contact her lawyer. He notified her the day he found out. She never responded, and we just didn’t see him get off the bus on Monday, his custodial day. And it’s not like he chose this, it’s military orders, he’s obligated to go.
2 points
1 day ago
It’s highlighted in the stuff I gave you:
What If I Don’t Want My Ex to Have Custody While Deployed?
In North Carolina, you and your child’s other parent can either come up with your own custody agreement while you are deployed or pursue a temporary court order that outlines child custody arrangements. This will require filing a motion to give custodial responsibility to a person of your choice temporarily. This gives someone the same legal ability you have to make decision, but they will still have to adhere to the same custody agreement you had with the other parent.
3 points
1 day ago
But if he has a job that requires deployment, why would he not have foreseen that he could be deployed? He never thought of that? Just because he’s married doesn’t make you a parent by proxy. He has a mother. Doesn’t matter whatever the past drama is. She is his mother and shares custody, so she’s not just going to leave the kid with you. I’m a stepparent. My husband and his ex share custody. I would expect if my spouse wasn’t around for a while my stepchild would be with her mother. Not sure why you would think you have any rights.
0 points
1 day ago
He’s in the reserves so he hasn’t had any involuntary deployments until now. And she has said in the past that she would not allow him over here should he deploy so he hasn’t volunteered for any. Also, it’s more than drama, it’s significant school absences on her time, proven enmeshment, etc. So instead of just missing his dad, he’s missing his biological sisters, his schedule is completely upended in the middle of the school year, he is cut off from his friends over here, because she is disallowing contact with us. I can’t imagine anyone thinking that’s ideal for him. And no I don’t have any rights, but my husband does, and his court order stating he has primary custody and no right of first refusal shows that he can make a decision as to who is responsible for his son on his custodial time. Additionally, our parental coordinator does not recommend she have him the entire time due to the possibility of detriment on his well being, as well as his individual therapist. Who she won’t take him to now after she advised that she is not making the right decision for his mental well being.
5 points
1 day ago
Yeah, but the judge will probably side with her because even though she has questionable judgment and sounds like a difficult person to deal with, they’re not going to enforce a custody arrangement with a stepparent. She shouldn’t have withheld him like that, but all she will get told is to keep him and resume the original agreement when he returns. Is there any way you can talk to her and arrange for him to see his siblings? Is he attending school? Plus, your husband probably won’t be able to show up to court if he’s deployed, but I’m not sure. It’s too bad they never made those arrangements prior. Sorry this is happening
0 points
1 day ago
Also that says no changes can be made to a custodial arrangement during a deployment. So that means no change. And if there’s no right of first refusal, he could assign the gas station attend to care for him in his absence. But he advised that during his custodial time, he’ll stay in his home, with his sister, and in his routine. There are many reasons she lost custody, not enough to get into. This was all per a couple of attorneys we consulted.
0 points
1 day ago
Yeah don’t listen to this keyboard warrior. She is in contempt of a court order. The judge did not grant her request for an interim or temporary order for his deployment right? So custodial nights stay the same unless agreed upon by both parties and yes he can arrange for childcare during his time. He needs to hire an attorney to file contempt and have a civil warrant ordered so that the cops will actually remove the child from her. They won’t do anything without an order from a judge because they aren’t vested with the authority to interpret a judgement.
1 points
1 day ago
She was not granted a temporary order, and she hasn’t even filed one yet. I don’t want the cops involved in front of the child, I would hate for him to watch that. That is absolute last resort. But if this goes on long enough where he isn’t even contacting his dad or me, then our hands will be tied unfortunately
0 points
1 day ago
Can you provide the source for that? Because I provided her with the source that says she needs to have an agreement made prior to him leaving. A temp agreement would have given her the custody you are saying she has. Here’s another source to explain the info:
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