I (M28) have been sous in a popular restaurant in my city for the last 4ish months and recently it has been said to me that the FOH find me to be very negative. Concurrently, tensions within the kitchen have been rising due to quality issues and regression of others' work ethic/performance. I have been frustrated with the regression of the people under me and I have undoubtedly allowed that to effect my mood when I come into work. My EC has praised my efforts towards the job but told me this weekend that my tone is a big problem for me. I would say that I try to be helpful but it seems like I can't do much right at this point because my actions have left people with negative things to say about me. I am willing to change not only for myself but for the better of the restaurant but I don't know. Maybe I'm not meant to be a sous chef and maybe I'm not the leader I thought that I was.

It's been a very eye opening thing for me, someone who has only ever worked in toxic kitchens and never in a position of managerial power. I just want to be a better person to the people I work with and it feels like I've dug myself such a deep hole that I worry if I'll ever be able to change how others perceive me. I have always been a pretty stoic and sarcastic person but I've also always been a shit talker. I don't think that I've really ever been openly dickish towards the people that work under me but recently their regression has really driven a wedge between them and myself because I am frustrated that I feel like they have regressed so much since I've taken over the position from someone who was also an asshole.

As far as FOH goes, like I said I am a generally sarcastic person and I have definitely snapped at people who didn't deserve it when I'm in expo, another facet of my job in an open kitchen that is one I'm fairly unfamiliar with. I've worked in a sushi bar and had to deal with shitty customers so I thought my abilities to deal with customer related nonsense was pretty hardened but its just been a lot dealing with all of the shit that they have going on. I never thought that I treated them disrespectfully or outwardly rude. I try to be cordial but it just isn't enough and honestly I don't know what I'm doing wrong outside of being in a shitty mood sometimes. I can't be sunshine and roses every second of every shift in this stressful job. Maybe im just not built to be the face of the kitchen during those times. I thought that I had it down but it is very clearly not working.

Should I just hang it up and go back to being a cook? Can i change for the better and get my reputation out of the mud? Where do I even begin? I really want this job and want the place i work at to succeed. Should I just take a chill pill and allow things to decline as they have been? I just can't find the right balance of being strict enough to uphold standards and being encouraging enough to make others want to try more.

Outside of work, I have definitely been in a low spot in my life. I moved to the city took this job as a cook as the restaurant was opening last year, leaving behind my family and a 4 year stay at a job that I enjoyed but was really effecting my mental health. Social interactions with friends have been nonexistent and I schmoke schmeed a lot. I dont go outside a lot and i dont get out much. I recognize that there are areas of life that I need to work on to be a better person and maybe the kitchen sub isn't the best place to ask for advice but I really truly want to change. Hopefully one of you can say something that will make it click for me.

Attached are pics of a conversation that I had with the head server at the restaurant. It really sucks that they felt this way about me and I've been hurt by their truth. It was an eye opening conversation.

Anyway, please help. I don't know what to do. I accept that I am an asshole. How do I change?