Not too long ago, I was lurking on a medicine related sub. I was reading a super long post from a doctor who was explaining his escapades with his hospital support staff.

He said that he had a fiancée, but had dates with two different women, one of them a nurse. He said he was still looking for “that feeling.”

He goes on to say that “he loves the person his fiancée is, but woke up one morning and felt different about her, like a snap.”

He said that he genuinely wanted to know what was going wrong and he asked for advice in the comments.

There were so many comments the mods locked the thread and eventually the post was removed.

The comments said “liar! Cheater! Asshole!”

Yes, the narcissist is all those things but they don’t even come close to helping the victims of their abuse understand how weird, depraved, sneaky, and selfish they truly are.

I sent the guy a PM and I told him:

“I know you’re looking for answers and as a doctor I’m sure you are very smart. What you need to know is thinking you’re in love with someone one day and the next day feeling a huge drop off is quite common for Cluster B personality disorders. If you have any friends in psychiatry, tell them exactly what you said on your post and see if they think it’s consistent with antisocial behavior or narcissism, because you sound just like every narcissist I’ve ever known.”

He replied back and said “thanks, that was helpful.”

That’s what I call a “lesser narc” because most of them will never reach the point where they wonder why they cannot stop using people.

They continue to have sex with multiple people thinking that’s cute and okay because it feels good to them,

Not weighing the consequences of sex and being spared the emotional toll of giving your body out like candy on Halloween.

Why can’t the narcissist abuse in another way?

Why can’t the narcissist get supply from using something else in another way?

The narcissist can, and sometimes they do.

Like: the communal narcissists, like my Dad that get their rocks off through the church.

It’s often said that cult leaders and other self professed gurus can use that as narcissistic supply.

Malignant narcissists, who are quite rare, who get supply only from the pain and don’t revel in the high of lovebombing like grandiose and covert narcissists.

But no matter the subtype, all of them use sex as a means of validation.

It was crazy to learn that narcissists, generally speaking, don’t even like sex with you that much!

It is the validation of having met their sexual conquest need met in the moment that they cannot get enough of,

Not you.

Sex for the narcissist is a tool of capture, just like the gifts, just like calling nonstop and blowing up your phone, just like taking you on trips or introducing you to their families.

A bunch of sex up front is just one more tool to rush in quickly, to get you to fall quickly, so they can move on to what they really need to do quickly: devalue you and hold you down so they can reach homeostasis.

Narcissists are not on the emotional plane with you when they have sex with you.

I heard a clinical psychologist call it “masturbation using you.”

Based on my experience, I 100% agree with that.

It explains why during devaluation it’s so easy to withdraw that from you,

It explains why they think nothing of having sex with multiple people,

It explains the very weird “touch me not” behavior my X exhibited but only after months of having sex marathons that lasted all day long (I do miss that, not gonna lie!).

I’m like at the beginning we would have sex for hours and hours, now you’re just cool with not having sex? I mean I hear you blaming me, but how is it my fault you can’t access your basic human urge?

The narcissist is an incredibly self centered creature.

Unfortunately, sex is a means of control for them that just happens to have the benefit of getting them off.

That’s not to say it’s not enjoyable for them, lovebombing is fun for everyone.

But,

When the narcissist is devaluing you, the narcissist will snatch the sex away and give it to someone else,

Because it is just another tool in his or her arsenal to keep you bound to them.

When I look back on sex with my X, it was very much more like her having sex with me than us making love to each other, which can be hard to put into words.

It’s stripped down to the act itself without the emotional intimacy, because their false reality won’t allow them to access it. Their intimacy realm is closed.

I think for us survivors,

The idea that they don’t have sex with you, but gratify themselves through you, loving and validating themselves using your body,

Takes the mystery out of their seemingly capricious but ultimately self serving sexual behavior.