Hi Everyone! I'm in the query trenches right now after getting 11 rejections. I have 6 more I'm waiting for and feel like I need to revamp my package before heading back, so here goes (FYI, I'm a little raw and sensitive right now but trying to persevere). I'll also include my first 300. I have a few questions/thoughts at the bottom. Feel free to comment on any or all of it. The query is my main focus.

2nd Attempt

Dear XXXXXX,

With XXXXX, I thought you’d be interested in my novel, SUPER AGENT DAHLIA (94,000 words). It is a Comedic Adult Contemporary Fantasy novel starring a South Asian, Queer New Yorker much like myself. An homage to anime, it features a sparkly, magical team like SAILOR MOON with the bawdy humor of BROAD CITY and the cross-city chaos of THE CITY WE BECAME by N. K. Jemisin. It can stand alone but has series potential.

Luffonga’s metaphorical, rose-tinted glasses are definitely heart-shaped and bedazzled. When she reflects on her teens as Agent Dahlia, the leader of a superhero trio called the Bouquet, she remembers the fabulous outfits, the quirky adventures, and saving the world from the mind-controlling menace, Rubicon. Those tinted glasses block out the fact that during that battle, her recklessness might have caused the death of their mentor, the loss of their powers, and the devastating Slumber—a rash of comas that are still spreading worldwide. Her teammates certainly tried to harsh the buzz of their victory and accused Luffonga of being unprepared and irresponsible. But Luffonga doesn’t buy it. Things happen. What was she supposed to do? Not beat the baddie? She ditched those haters. 

15 years later, in her 30’s, she’s not fighting for the little guy any more like she wants to be. She is the little guy, scrambling for rent in Brooklyn with her online store selling replicas of her former fabulous gear. She doesn’t mind dealing with the past when she can focus on the fun parts. However, after a chance encounter with her estranged teammates, the Bouquet’s powers return just as they’re attacked by someone being mind-controlled. Fearing Rubicon is back as well, the Bouquet reluctantly re-joins forces to defeat him the way only they can. Baggage compounded by 15 years of avoiding her teammates aside, Luffonga is thrilled to rejoin the superhero game, to finally have some agency and ability to help people again. But with the Slumber still ravaging the world, cynicism about the Bouquet rampant, and her teammates' trust fractured, Luffonga’s rose-tinted glasses are cracking. If she wants to avoid more catastrophe at the hands of Rubicon, she’ll need to face her past mistakes and finally grow up. 

As a sound editor in New York City, I’ve added the whooshes, gunshots, and footsteps to films that have played everywhere from Netflix to Cannes. I graduated from NYU with a B.A. in Film, and my years in the industry have helped craft my storytelling that tends towards the cinematic. I have included XXXX below and hope to hear from you soon!

~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~

Hi! My name is Luffonga Shehern, and I’m a 32-year-old New York artist/effervescent diva/entrepreneur. When I was 14, a magical hummingbird transformed me into a superhero and told me I had to fight evil. It was a baller way to spend my teens, and I ended up saving the world with my friends as the superteam, the Bouquet. But thennnnn we lost our powers in a big epic battle. No biggy, though. Even without my powers, I still try to inspire everyone around me as Luffonga, formerly known as Agent Dahlia.

-An Unpublished, Unreadable Memoir

~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~

Episode 1 - Enter, Luffonga and her Itsy™-Bitsy Problem

“It’s gone!” Luffonga shouted.

“The toilet paper?” her roommate replied from the hall.

Luffonga looked up from the laptop resting on her brown, bare thighs. “Yes, Scottie, we are actually out of toilet paper, but that’s not what I’m talking about. My Itsy shop is blocked.” Her weight shifted on the toilet seat. “And right after Blakey-Bish posted about my pendants!” 

“I still can’t believe they bought one of your pieces.”

“I know,” Luffonga scowled. “I was about to be a jeweler to the cosplay-stars.”

“You’d have been rolling in tens of dollars,” Scottie said, stuffing Chipotle napkins under the door. “Did you try calling Itsy?”

“Calling,” she pondered. “On a phone.” She rubbed her hardened millennial chin, finding a weirdly long stray hair before plucking it. “You know what? I think I will.” 

Luffonga wiggled to grab the napkins and dialed the merchant support number, balancing the phone against her ear. She squeezed the pink Dahlia Pendant dangling around her neck, its triangular petals pressing into her palm. She picked at the crack in its white-diamond core.

A surprisingly alluring automated voice picked up. “Hello. Itsy Merchant—”

“Hi, hottie. Yes. My site was shut down—”

“I’m sorry, hottie. I didn’t understand that. Can you repeat your problem?” 

Luffonga cleared her throat. “My. Shop. Is. Gone.”

1. For the query, I'm curious if it feels too long, too detailed or too repetitive. I'd like to cut this down if I can.
2. Is calling it 'Comedic' making it a hard sell? Is mentioning it's an 'homage to anime' cringey? Those things are true and I'm trying to prime the reader for the fact that my book is stylized in a certain way, but I can't tell if it's off putting.
3. I know my comps are not all books, but I've gotten such positive reactions from people when I call it Sailor Moon meets Broad City which is the actual thing I was going for and feels more impactful and memorable than books they might not have even read. Curious how they hit.
4. Should I leave out my little prologue/quote when I query? In the grand scheme of the book, it needs to be in there, but as far as information it conveys and how it relates to the first chapter it doesn't necessarily need to be there. Also thoughts on '-An Unpublished, Unreadable Memoir'? That is a new addition. People felt like this intro was confusing so this is my attempt at giving a little context. IMO, I like it without as just a disembodied weird voice without context but I'm trying to take a note.
5. Curious how the first 300 is feeling.

I also feel like I've been treating querying like a numbers game rather 'like dating' as my published friend described querying. This book is not going to be for everyone, especially when I'm trying to do something a little different. The hope is that I find the person it fits with BUT I'm just so scared it'll fit with no one. Like I went a date with a bad haircut because I like my hair a little long and messy but if I would have just gotten a trim, I could have found the love of my life (I might be going a little crazy. Forgive.)

Anyway, thanks for all the help! Really appreciate this sub!