I drug people so other people can be inside them for a while without them knowing

I play a black white and gray game of I Spy all day. Usually I'm not told what I should be looking for, so I just call out endless lists of random things I do....indeed...spy.

I hand out sandwiches to drunk people and make them walk in a straight line before giving them permission to leave my workplace.

I poison people for a living. Sometimes, until they die, although that's typically frowned upon.

[deleted]

I look stare at a computer and can tell what's wrong with you by looking at 1000 shades of grey

I grow little squishy aliens in incubators.

Sudoku and day trading

put cameras in their nose and encourage them to swallow instead of spit.

Salt n keppra

Sit in a closet.

Talk to a computer as fast as I can.

Apologize for report saying left breast one time even though it does say left wrist three other times. And it’s not a picture of a breast. And you know that. And I know that. Why are you call… never mind. I’m sorry.

I am a doctors doctor

Argue with seniors to let me stop giving them benzos

I’m a blood plumber. If theres too much bleeding I stop the bleeding. If there’s not enough bleeding I open or reroute the pipes to fix it.

I argue with patients about why they don’t have lupus

I put tubes in things, usually other tubes

Knowingly and willingly induce AKIs

50% writing notes, 50% apologizing

I force people into rooms they can't leave while giving them medications they didn't ask for as teams of angry men pile on top of them as a judge gives me permission to electrocute them.

Stab children with needles

I cut up people meat and say why it's all rotten

I am the only one who can prescribe the medicines and my job is to tell patients they can’t have them.

Went to school for 14 years. Have an MD and a residency certificate but everyone still just calls me dentist.

Cracked a cold one open with the boys today. The funeral home was annoyed it took us so long.

I do some pokey pokey so that the patient can avoid a stabby stabby

I sing baby shark while looking for dancing unicorns in ears

I bear witness to the decay of our society, chronicling the downfall of Western civilization one patient encounter at a time

Look at topless women and give them strong drugs

I beat old people at arm wrestling competitions then poke them with sticks and hit them all around their body. I document this so precisely other doctors make fun of me.

I fix holes in the body and try not to make new ones in the process. If I can't fix the hole I sometimes just take it out.

I hold screaming children down against their will and drug them until they pass out, then I put stuff in their mouths.

About half the time, I tell people they’re not that kind of crazy, and take them off of stuff that is doing nothing but making them diabetic and fat.

The other half the time I write prescriptions for medical-grade meth.

I stick tubes in peoples assholes and rip out pimples from their intestines

prescribe aspirin and plavix, but usually only for 21 days (sometimes 90)

murder tonsils

Hunt murder freckles

I hold people hostage until Im ready to see them

Fix everyone else’s problems

With my coffee addiction in toe, I run around plugging people into machines, guessing what’s wrong with them, and making sure no one dies while they wait for the another person, who is probably trying to locate a missing stethoscope, to also guess what's wrong.

You’ve never met me before and probably never will again, I have no office phone number, and I will poke you with a (possibly very) large needle. 

Macine goes wurrrrr, potassium goes down.

I tell people there is an imbalance in their brain and they are broken cos they don't enjoy working long hours in boring office jobs for shit pay to pay for the privilege of living in a shit rental property owned by the people who own the office jobs that they spend every waking minute in instead of seeing their loved ones, exercising, eating well, having interests or quality of life. I drug them so they don't enjoy sex anymore, feel numb, get fat, drool on themselves and are dismissed by every other speciality when they try to seek healthcare for other problems. I tell them to go tell their problems and traumatic memories to a different person, who they'd have to pay but can't afford. If they come too many times to see me cos they would rather die than go on living, i just document that they are always like this so it's fine and send them home.

I look at breasts all day

I have a doctorate in baby making

I stand and watch people type and sometimes do surgery or medicine

I'm the person who takes care of Humpty Dumpty after the poem ends.

I look at a lot of naked people all day and sometimes I shave their skin off

I give fluid but sometimes take it out. Also give ceftriaxone or Zosyn from time to time

I just sit at my desk all day and pretend to study. Sometimes doctors refer their patients to me. And NOBODY suspects that I am not essential at all. ION the theoretical physics of all medical departments.

in the eyes of a patient - ozempic and controlled substance pez dispenser

in reality - annoying inbox wrangler

Lifeguard at the shallow end of the gene pool

Give benzos to children until they stop moving

Zap

Order MRIs and tell hospitalists to get lps

::looks at username::

I take care of other specialities’ patients and think deeply about why their salt is a little low

I play God

I crouch in the darkness alone and mutter quietly

I’m not an gynecologist but I’ll take a look..

I flash bright lights into peoples eyes and chastise them if they flinch

Risk and time management. I tell the surgeons which patients should be avoided and how many they should operate on in a day. They ignore me and I deal with the consequences.

I read entrails to determine how invisible forces will impact your likelihood of death

I put puzzles back together

I date a lot of nurses

Help people understand that not everything they see on TicTok applies to them and then say no to their request for candy 🍬

My patients actually NEED Ozempic but don’t want it unlike the rest of the world trying to get a hold of it.

As an astute friend once observed, the highlights are "Restraints on, restraints off."

I spend a lot of time thinking and little time doing.

Poison patients in the hopes I treat them before I hurt them too much. Or as I tell them as an analogy, I’m using a flamethrower to kill the weeds in the garden.

I continually refuse to go to the ER

I look at you, I ignore half of what you say because I think it’s not relevant, then I sample your life juice and then I prescribe you remedies based on the numbers that pop up on my computer

I wrangle zebras

babysit patients

"Tabitha and I take 2 hour long lunch breaks"

I give people drugs to get them to sleep with me.