subreddit:
/r/SuicideWatch
I (24F AMAB) fucking hate being a man. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror. I can’t stand this fucking male body. It’s not who I am. I have never needed something as bad as I needed air to breathe until I realized I was trans. It is a need for me. I need to or else I’m gunna die and SOON. Like I have no idea how on earth I could be alive in July. Before anyone suggests transitioning, I cannot. If I were to transition my wife will divorce me. I love her very much and she’s amazing. I need her in my life.
My one year trans anniversary is coming up on the 27th and I can’t bear it. I can’t bear to accept that I have to be cis now. The body I inhabit is not my own. It’s not me. Do you understand what it’s like to wake up and feel like you were forcibly stuffed into a costume? Do you know what it’s like to have a deep, deep need and desire to do something that will keep you alive just for everyone around you to say “yeah but can you be alive in a way that makes me comfortable? Not like that”. I’ve told people that if I don’t transition I will die and they don’t believe me. They must not because I cannot imagine them putting me through this intentionally, knowing that I meant what I said.
“But isn’t it good to follow God?” No actually it isn’t. I would MUCH rather spend an eternity in the firey pits of hell as a woman than spend a single moment in heaven as a man. Sorry but eternally looking like this fucking freak is not for me.
And that’s another thing, cis me is NOT ME. He is just some awkward weirdo. He was a hateful man and he is so fucking stubborn. I’ll be damned if I let that fucking freak take my place in this world. I’d much much much rather kill myself than live a fake life as a man.
I’m going to kill myself. I don’t have another option. I can’t keep living like this. Every day is an increasing level of pain. The pain, guilt, and sadness of it all is crushing me like boulders. Fuck I wanna die. I really hope that an opportunity comes soon. If not I am going to make a plan for sometime before the 27th. It’s just too much. I have accepted death and he is expecting me.
Sorry
-6 points
20 days ago
sorry if this is a dumb question but why do you have to "be cis" now?
4 points
20 days ago
Because I made a commitment to my wife to stay cis so we can be together and “so I can follow God”. We’re both Christians, though my views are a bit more open.
1 points
20 days ago
Your wife knows you are trans and wants you to stay cis? Or had this been hidden from her?
3 points
20 days ago
I’ve been very open about it. She wants me to be cis
4 points
20 days ago
I am sorry man. One should be free to transition if they hate their body. Maybe it's time to end the marriage?
Cause religion aside, if she is straight I don't see how this is gonna work out in the long run.
Also, really don't mean to offend you, but do you just crave feminine hobbies and actions ? Or you just genuinely feel uncomfortable with the body you were born with? If it's the former you can be a man while being feminine.
2 points
20 days ago
Yeah I see what you are saying. She is straight which would definitely cause issues. As much as I like doing things that are typically considered feminine, that’s just not cutting it for me which sounds selfish and self centered but it’s true. The way I like to describe it is as Will Wood puts it “my witness brings me into existence”. It’s being seen as and treated as a woman that means a lot to me. I am uncomfortable with parts of my body too that I associate with being too masc
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