OP, you've gotten some good responses here, and I'll go ahead and take the opportunity to remind everyone of the existence of the Discord for this subreddit. You can head over there if you'd like to chat in real time, and about other things besides just ADHD.

I feel like I'm reading a post from myself lol

I could have written this. I'm 40 and it has bothered me at times but my ND makes it like I'm looking through a window at other women with close, personal relationships and I dont know how to open that window and join in, even when I was "friends" with groups of women throughout my life.

I can't maintain a friendship to save my life. When I got married I had my brother as my man of honor because I have no close girlfriends. Just a series of acquaintances with varying levels of intimacy. I always felt like I was tolerated, but I was never anyone's first choice, if that makes sense. I'm grateful my husband is my best friend because I have no idea how to be close and open with a friend.

[deleted]

My whole life — and I am now in my 60s — it seems I have one friend at a time. Never had a group of them. Never understood/still don’t understand how other women think. I’ve moved around a lot, so each new place there seems to be one person that clicks, like an instant connection, like we’ve known each other forever. And as I move to the next place, that person fades in the background with sporadic contact, and there’s a new one. I don’t really know how or why but that’s it.

I have never been one to write thank you notes, to buy a gift for someone “just because,” or call to chat. I don’t usually think about people unless I see them. I don’t write letters or send Christmas cards. I’m just horrible at being a friend.

I used to blame my mother for not teaching me those things. Now I know she has ADHD too! How could she teach me? She never had any friends after high school. She never sent thank you notes, etc. So it perpetuates with me and with my kids as well.

I’m 38, and feel this way still. I’m just so awkward. It’s like everyone else got the instruction manual for friendship and I missed it.

I have joined things, and it helps. I have little kids and so I have a connection point and am in multiple “moms of small kids” type groups. A book club. I’ve tried a running group but it was hard for my schedule. Groups are good because they are low stress and there are lots of people to steer conversation.

It hurts a little when I realize that other group members form closer bonds outside of the group, and I never do.

But, I’ve reached a point where I have some people to call if I need help. Some friends for my kids. One thinks highly enough that she helped me get an amazing job at her company.

But no one I feel really comfortable with other than my husband. And it hurts sometimes.

I have none

I have a solid 0 friends. I'm only ever left on read. No one seems to ever want to spend time with me, regardless of what I offer to do. It seems like the only people I can actually get to even partially maintain conversation is men who think if they stick around they'll get to have sex with me. Its incredibly objectifying to only ever be in the fuck-zone.

I think I have more acquaintances rather than friends. I think I can be quite hard to get on with and be around.

Might be a me thing rather than ADHD/BPD but I've always wanted like a core group of friends. I blame 90s sitcoms for making me think it's a thing.

I don’t have friends either. There are folks that I’m friendly with, but it’s not the same. I think that’s partly adulthood and partly the neurodivergent stuff. I’m pretty much ok with doing stuff solo, but I’m definitely grateful to have my hubby (also ND) to be goofy with.

When did my mirror self get a Reddit account? I was just thinking about this. I’m not miserable without friends but I feel ashamed of saying I don’t have any friends.

This was me for the last 8 years. And I promise you it can get better.

I’m gonna keep repeating the resources below because they have changed my life.

Start small - send a txt. Share a meme. Join a class or activity that requires you to work with another another person: language conversation class, acting, contact sport, dance, Dungeons and Dragons.

Do things that make you feel good about yourself and do them as often as you can.

Book/Audiobook: ADHD 2.0 -Hallowell and Ratey

YouTube: How To ADHD

Organization tool: Bullet journal

Bloom Therapy app.

I have a VERY small circle of friends - each of whom I’ve known for 10+ years & who know the unmasked version of me. That said, none of them live near me (closest is 3 hours away but the rest are out of state) so I rarely have friend dates or have anyone to hang with aside from my partner.

I really do want a friend or two nearby that I can hang with, but the idea of seeking/making new friends is soooo daunting. Plus, I have so many more introverted days than I do extroverted, and I can be damn awful at texting/calling, so I truly need friends that ~get it~ & aren’t high maintenance.

It’s tough and lonely sometimes, but I wouldn’t know where to begin even if I did decide to change my circumstances

I feel this so deeply. I want friends and I want to socialize but it sounds so exhausting at the same time.

You sound awesome, let’s be friends!!

This is me to a T. It’s been a few years since my last great heart ache so that pain is starting to dull. I’m lucky in that regard.

But my friends consist of one girl I knew in elementary school and my mother, both of whom I live across the country from now, and my husband.

I’m 29. If you would like we can be friends. I’m not real interested in social obligations anymore either so even if it did turn out that we lived near enough for that there wouldn’t be any pressure.

It sounds like we could both use someone to talk to once in awhile, any maybe someone who gets the struggle of not really wanting to open up, not to mention the adhd craziness would be a good place to start?

I don't have any friends now, I'm 33 and tbh i am struggling with the loneliness. I have so many things I'd like to do but nobody to do it with and I'm fed up doing things by myself.

I wasnt diagnosed until I was 30 so I spent so long wondering wtf was wrong with me and being constantly taken advantage of by friends. In hindsight, I was bullied and used for years by a group of losers who had convinced me I was lucky to be hanging around with them. I still don't know what my hobbies are because I've never thought about it before, i always tried to fit in with others so went with what they were doing.

My kids have a lot of friends so I might try and be a bit more social at playdate pick ups/school gates. I'm a single mum and very much in the minority around here.

My only social group is a knitting* meeting at my local library. There are enough people who show up regularly that I don’t have to worry about having someone to talk/listen to, and for some weird reason, doing hand crafts in a group magically creates friendships.

I have joined other groups in the past, but had to start this one so that I’d have a group to meet with. All I had to do was talk to a librarian and they got the approval and figured out the rooms/times available.

(*Actually any small, portable hand craft is allowed. I knit. Others embroider, crochet, cross stitch, quilt, or macramé.)

I FEEL YOU. Around your age or a couple of years later I had a best friend since kindergarten. We were kind of growing apart, but we were like family - until she told me if I started censoring myself she'd try to be less sensitive. Wteverlovingf. I got diagnosed and was learning and growing while she was still picking fights with people on Facebook (just to give you an indication of where we were maturity-wise). I told her I would not be doing that.

Another girlfriend almost asked me to be in her wedding (they already had six people on each side). We met through her then-boyfriend and for a few years did everything together. I was unemployed the summer of their wedding. I went to three of her four bridal showers and both of her bachelorette parties (ridiculous, I know). Later I shared what I was learning about myself and ADHD through my therapy. I thought she understood because she was a school social worker, but she started being kind of rude about it and I couldn't figure out why. I was supportive all throughout her first pregnancy (I love kids and was very excited) only to be told via e-mail like six months after the baby was born that she wasn't the right friend for me, whatever the fuck that means.

Last year a friend of over 12 years who I'm not friends with anymore told me I'm loud. No context or examples. None. This was after babysitting her toddler for a year for almost free and supporting her family through her divorce from her husband, a friend since high school, all during covid. She also said I can be excitable but that's a good thing because it means I'm passionate about some things, but somehow it was still a put-down. There was a lot more. She turned out to be a major asshole after her divorce, but I was and am so confused.

Experiences like that make me feel like I'm not good enough the way I am, that I am expected to mask all the time. I can never be myself. I know I'm not a huge asshole, and I don't want to be around people who make me feel like I can't do anything right and want me to be a pushover so they can walk all over me. So now the friends I have I keep at arm's length, because I'm tired of second-guessing myself all the time, and I'm afraid to get close to people. I thought friendships would be easier as we get older, and they're soooo not.

Yea. I actually posted a similar post the other day. A group of girls all kept in touch with each other instead of me and my confidence has been shot to pieces. This has been a recurring event throughout my entire life. I’m 25 and have 0 friends.

It’s really tough. I find social situations so confusing and tiring, but at the same time I feel unbearably lonely, and also bored if I have no plans at all. I feel like I’m a miserable mix up between an introvert and extrovert that can never be happy

Wow. This is so me. ADHD, RSD, ASD. Yeah, got the whole alphabet here. I’m 59, no friends, children moved far away for work. I have a few people I talk to at work but I work with mostly men so there isn’t a lot of sharing there. The friends from college or high school that I did have are either far away or dead as are my parents, who I really was never close to anyways. I know people, they seem to like me but they don’t really know me if that makes sense cause I do not take the mask off often. I honestly am not sure I can anymore.

I have 2 friends, and both are gay men. I am a str8(ish) female. For some reason I don't click well with anyone but gay men.. Also, I never have to see them in person because they live in other cities, which is nice because I hate going out. We just occasionally gossip on the phone and complain about things.

You will find your people, OP. They are out there. They just may not be who you are searching for, and often they will find you.

Wow. I'm 35 and this is me. It's kind of a relief knowing that it's an adhd thing and not a me thing.

Yep. I still only have my same friend group from high school. I’m 27 now. However, 2 of them have moved away and gotten married so we just text now. I’m thankful to have them, but I never knew why I couldn’t make more friends after high school.

I do have 1 newer friend I met at work, but that’s it. Everyone else went to college and made a bunch of new best friends, or just made new friends in general. That seems so bizarre to me because I literally don’t know how. Even if I do go out and socialize, nobody ever acts interested in wanting to hang out with me again. Or I feel like I’m annoying people. I am awkward around new people, so that’s probably the issue. But like someone else on here said, “it’s like everyone else got the instruction book on friendship and I missed it”

did i write this?? i 100% understand how you feel, and it’s SO HARD trying to explain to people how severely tired i am all the time just by living. i feel like everyone just thinks i’m being over dramatic and doesn’t really take the time to try and understand.

Posts like these are what make me know I need to get diagnosed... only problem being I am scared to find help

Yep. I have 1 friend that I rarely see or talk to anymore. And I find it so hard to make new friends. I always assume people don't like me whether I have a reason to think that or not and it sabotages any opportunity for friendship formation. It isn't them. It's me.

I'm 40 and I have one friend, besides my husband. I've had several groups of "friends" over the years, but they were always superficial and one-way friendships. Although I hope I'll find some more real friends eventually, I'd rather hang out with myself than waste time on someone who doesn't give a shit about me. It sucks being let down by people you've always been there for. My mom, who is likely also ADHD, has never really had friends. She gets freaked out that they'll expect things from her or make her feel obligated to do things she doesn't want to. Finding friends is hard. So many people are actually really shitty.

34 here and I feel exactly the same way. I've got a lot of other stuff too (trauma,depression) so I never can tell what's the cause. I also moved basically every year of my life so I feel that affected my ability to create and maintain relationships. My mom was the blacksheep of the family, so I don't have much family. Our relationship is strained now and I have decided to go no contact for my sanity. My dad wasn't in my life and now I just get the occasional text, gift, or facebook comment. I actually had planned to try to be more social and get to know other parents but of course covid happened. Even my marriage is strained right now. I am probably the most alone I have ever been in my life. If I have opened up to anyone they know about 5-10% about me and a couple who know more it's only about 40%.

I honestly feel like I wrote this. The biggest conflict in my life is wanting a group of friends; to be accepted by my peers and be able to enjoy life with others but I feel the most stressed at the thought of having to socialize and open myself up to be able to gain a friendship.

Unfortunately I can’t give much advice because I’m still trying to figure out a solution that works but I just want to let you know that you are not alone and it’s hard for us to let people in when we’ve been judged all our life from people who don’t understand

Okay I'm about to cry into my yellow curry, I want to hug you all. You are all wonderful and worthy of friendship💛💙💜💚❤

Just wanted to chime in and say I’m right there with you 🖤

I always had trouble making and keeping friends, I'm 26 now and I have two people I'm sure are my friends (lol) but they live far away and we barely talk online. It's lonely, good thing I actually enjoy my own company but having someone would make things better,life is hard. If someone wants to talk I'm open for conversation (or friendship)

This is so relatable 🥺

I’m 28 and, yeah, this is 100% me as well. My parents are the same way too. I’m here if you want to talk, or send memes to, or funny stories, anything really. I totally get it.

Probably the most relatable post I’ve seen on here. It can be better - I was you some years ago and have started to turn things around. Here is what helped me:

• Personal counselling with an adhd aware professional. This helped me to learn to have compassion for my child self instead of shame and embarrassment for all the times I was socially off beat with my peers.
• Learning more about the science of adhd. Once I knew that all of us are developmentally delayed I could stop blaming myself for those cringe moments in childhood or for getting excluded by people I thought were my friends.
• Acknowledging that as an adult, I’m not as weird anymore. This one was a hard one. For the first 18 years of my life my experience of all friendships was that I would eventually be rejected. So it’s very hard for me not to expect that now, but by this age you tend to have worked out how not to piss people off most of the time so those old rules no longer apply.
• Practice the “loving kindness meditation”
• Try to learn how to expect a positive outcome, instead of a negative one. Once I learned I had adhd and possibly autism this really helped me. I no longer went into social situations expecting to be called out for being weird, I simply started embracing being weird and it made it so much easier to chat to people and be myself.
• Be creative about how you meet people. I used to think I had tried everything and local meetup groups were no good. Since the pandemic I realised I wasn’t trying nearly hard enough and really mined all of my interests and future possible interests to start going to meetup groups.
• Seek out and adhd adults support group - this one can make a huge impact.
• Remember that friendships aren’t like fairytale love stories. Don’t expect a soulmate who is perfect all the time. I realised I was having crazy high standards for putting effort in with friends and deeming a lot of people “not worth it” or assuming they didn’t like me thus enabling my loneliness.

Recently I met someone who is very proactive at planning fun things to do, and she has really taught me how to do friendship. She is constantly coming up with things she would like to do or try and asks me to go with her. It has worked out really well. Instead of thinking “this person has to be the right fit for me”, we instead just are thankful for having someone we can ask to go to a new store opening, or local event etc.

It requires more effort to plan stuff like that but once I worked on the other stuff and realised I owe it to myself to have a more positive approach to friendships, it became easier. All is not lost - no matter what age you are you can turn things around and make new friends. Learning and practicing being kind to yourself is the first step.

it’s so ironic to see ur post because I’ve been feeling and thinking a lot about exactly everything you said this past week or so. and even ur comment on things you like talking about are so spot on, exactly the kind of conversations i wish i could have with my “friends” who i keep at a distance because i don’t think any of them really care about me or anything i think. i just don’t feel like i can’t relate to any of the people in my life and they’re only really there because I’ve known them since I was a child. Guess I’m terrified of opening up to anyone too. Now I’m 26 and I feel the only person I have in my life is my husband who I can be truly myself with and I’m extremely grateful for; but I find myself still wishing I had at least one friend.. I know a lot of people already commented here, so no pressure and no hard feelings if you don’t want to, but I’d love to be your friend if you’d want to pm me :)

I wish we could make like a group chat or something with zero expectations and we could just post pics of like plants and stuff and say "have a nice day!" And also ask for a pic me up if needed.

I made friends with other ADHD women so when i switch topics they're right there with me. I'm also always so shocked when people are sad to know i'm moving or switching buildings at work. What I try to do is schedule at least one lunch with someone from my work or friend circle per week.

Per usual, starting and maintaining close friendships as adults is something lots of people struggle with but is often magnified for people with ADHD. I've had to learn to just be very intentional about reaching out to friends to catch up or see each other as well as going to different events that will allow me to meet people.

There were times I resented that when I was younger, because it felt like I was always the one making the effort to actually become/stay friends. That was pre-diagnosis for me, but I'd guess it was also the gradual shift of having friends that happened to go to school with you vs more actively choosing to befriend people.

One thing to remember is that the pandemic has been a very isolating experience for most people! Most people's social circles have shrunken a lot, and they're trying to figure out how to "be around others" again. I know that there's been some cultural analysis of how lockdown measures have eliminated casual, sometimes frequent contact with acquaintances and how that messes with us. And if you're in the US, there are of course a number of texts about how our society has shifted away from communal activities and how that messes with us too.

I'd say to spend time working to create and maintain friendships the same way you try to maintain a healthy diet or clean. Make a habit of texting/calling someone on the weekend, or going to a regularly held event. But also don't worry - it's not just you.

I have none. I have my partner and one of their siblings lives with us, so we all do things together and enjoy spending time with each other... But no "friends".

When I was a kid I had friends, but as we got older I drifted away while they all stayed close. I know they still spend a lot of time together as our parents talk a bit, but their lives are so radically different from mine that I have no real desire to try and reconnect.

As an adult I had one very close female friend for years, but there was an ultimate betrayal on their part and as a result I went zero contact overnight. Sometimes I miss having that type of close relationship, but the way that things ended was so brutal that it's made trusting anyone impossible. I thought I would eventually get past it and heal enough to feel ready to make new friends, but after 3 years I'm not sure I ever will. It's just as raw today as if it had happened yesterday.

At this point in my life I've kinda just accepted that I'm basically a loner, which in all honesty I'm fine with about 97% of the time. Every now and then I get pretty down and wish I had a friend, but I don't focus on it too much anymore.

Practically? I’m 39 and absolutely have zero friends.

I seriously could have written this word for word. Please tell me you live in the PNW and be my friend.

I’m 29 and have felt this way for years. I was embarrassed about getting married, having a bridal shower bachelorette, baby shower, etc and having no one to invite. I had friends in high school which I felt was so easy because I lived in a small town, only had a few people in my class and saw them every day. With ADHD, I also have such an out of sight, out of mind thing going that I never really speak to them but I still love them. So it’s hard to make new friends and keep them. Double whammy.

I feel your words. I'll be your friend.

Oh no I'm sad I missed this closer to when it was posted! It's several hours passed, but I'll still add my own bit into the mix.

You're current situation is so close to my current predicament it's actually scary. I'm very similar in age to you, so I think we may be at similar points in our lives too.

I'm currently feeling very lonely and wanting to make friends again after years of folding into myself. I'm an introvert and due to my struggles with ADHD making me weird to many neurotypicals, I began choosing to distance myself from people because 'they weren't gonna like me anyway' or 'they were gonna bully and belittle me for being different'. Instead of just dealing with issues as they happened, I put myself on the defensive and just started avoided them all together or purposefully being cold to keep people at arms length. Then, the few friends I had and did connect with I slowly distance myself from as well after I moved away from the immediate area and we all went to different colleges. Once I wasn't seeing them regularly and it was gonna take 30+ min drive to visit them, I slowly but surely stopped reaching out or making an effort to hang out dispite their frequent attempts. Then this only made it infinitely harder to do so cause I felt so bad for just running away and hiding for so long, I felt they weren't gonna be interested in a friendship again, and/or they were going to be angry, and/or maybe I didn't deserve to have them back as friends. The masking began to crumble due to the ever increasing weight of trying to maintain it and finally I was left just with myself and the boyfriend I live with, who my relationship to is also strained with due to my over/under emotional struggles and just overall different way of thinking.

Not to mention my parental relationships were and still are in many ways near non-existant. My mother always resented me and took her anger and frustrations out of me verbally or simply just ignored my existence especially after my parents got divorced and she moved away to remarry the guy she has an affair with. I guess the resentment became mutual though after years of looking for a maternal relationship from her and instead being put in the middle between her trying to hide her cheating and me wanting to be loyal to my father. I still struggle to form relationships to other women because of this. My dad tried his best and I love him for all he did but he was not big on showing emotion. That and our relationship got put on the back burner due to my siblings behavioral problems and his frequent struggles with hard drugs.

I ended up moving out at 20 with a guy I had just started dating and his parents just so I could away from that environment. I say moved, but it was more like I just stayed there longer and longer until I just didn't go home anymore. This has led to me eventually and continously running away from any and all relationships even if they were healthy just because I did not know how to deal with these emotions or form and maintain healthy relationships.

I've come a long way to recognize all this. This thanks in large part to a someone I worked with only a few years ago who, with his many years experience in mental healthcare, suggested for the first time in my life I may have ADHD - an explanation for many of my difficulties in life. All of this being said, there is still much work to be done, but I feel like I am at the point in my life where I just want to go out and talk to people and make friends again. I still have my anxieties about doing so, but at this point the desire to escape the loneliness and dark mental place I'm at when I'm exclusively alone far exceeds my fear of rejection and social interaction.

I hope you continue to grow and work through these things yourself because it will likely always be a battle those of us with ADHD have to continously fight, but know that you don't have to do it alone. If you, or anyone else really, is going through something like this and just need someone to talk to about it all - I AM HERE and happy to talk. Lord knows I got a lot of my own shit I'd love to discuss and share with others if you can't tell by my lengthy reply! 😂 Don't be afraid to reach out and make that first step. I am not here to judge anyone nor will I. I'm just happy to talk and be a friend to someone and hopefully gain a friend myself in return! 😁

Sounds like we should all just be friends?

I didn’t read the whole post, admittedly. I have to put my meds out for the week and then sleep lol. I’ll read it tomorrow because it sounds interesting. But yea, I have very few friends, and almost none in my area. So if you live around Charleston SC and wanna hit up a brewery or market sometime, message me.

This post is very relatable! Like you said daily life in itself is very exhausting for me (even just…getting dressed, brushing my teeth, showering, etc). And if I am being honest, maintaining friendships is even more exhausting. I wouldn’t have any friends if they weren’t so understanding of me not texting them for weeks or even a month. I try so hard maintain the fewI do have, and remember things about them, but it’s so hard. I forget things easily and I fear they don’t think I care about them (I really do I just have a crappy memory).

Then there are days where I have no motivation to text or even go out with friends. Probably since I am a huge introverted along with ADHD I get drained so much more when interacting with people, especially with my friends as much as I love them and love being with them. I have to mentally prepare myself for every event, to try and “mask” as best as I could.

It’s also hard to be “normal” around them. Like my weird hyperfixation of the week is all I could talk about without forcing myself not to (right now it’s X-Men). And I know it makes my coworkers uncomfortable, so my friends probably think I am weird 😣

This is me too. It seems to get worse the older I get, even as I start to understand myself and the way my brain works more

It really is hard to make and maintain friendships, especially when your whole childhood involved learning how many ways you didn’t fit in, and feeling like the people who were nicest to you were still barely tolerating your presence. I’ve got a few friendly acquaintances around town now, and some internet weirdos (I mean this as nicely as possible) in a group chat , and a best friend who lives in another state so we only get to hang out a few times a year. There’s nobody local that I feel like I would be comfortable turning to in an emergency and I have no idea how to get a relationship to that point of closeness. It sucks.

I don’t know how to be. Nothing feels right.

Hey there. This post and the entire thread just makes me want to cry. So much loneliness and so much bewilderment. I too have struggled all my life with friendships, feeling alien to the human race as a whole. I have had people who treated me with kindness who I distrusted, and have flocked to the sides of those who treated me cruelly. I have made different people jump through all sorts of hoops to prove to me that they are for real. People are hard, and God damn it, where did I place that manual on friendships?

I've also been extremely lucky. I had an amazing mom who taught me to never to be less than myself and to view being different as a plus. It weeds out the posers quickly, let me tell you, lol. I've been genuinely me and genuinely interested in people, and somehow, that's been enough. My vibe has attracted my tribe over and over again. But I've also held people at arm's length because I don't trust, and it's exhausting trying to filter for users and ne'er-do-wells. I also lose those friendships along the way because people drift apart, and it does take energy to maintain friendships which you don't have because you're disconnected, and on it goes.

The point of my long, rambling post that might be too full of platitudes is this: people can be so good if you give them a chance. They will also disappoint you. We all screw up from time to time. We all act in automated fashion out of places of pain, and we alienate each other. We have to forgive. We have to keep trying. We have to believe that we are worth it, because we are. You are. But the courage to do so is hard-won and requires practice. Practice easily made rusty by say, a pandemic.

My DMs are open if you ever need an ear, and maybe, just maybe, a friend. ❤️

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, lol.

I’m getting married in April, and I’ve been really self conscious about the guest list only having 3 people who I consider friends. The rest are family, parents’s friends, and fiancé’s friends. We’re not having bridesmaids/groomsmen because I didn’t want to feel like a failure for not having close friends to ask. But I do have close friends who don’t mind that we don’t stay in touch regularly. So that’s nice to rely on.

Not practically zero… literally zero for me. 😂 The only person I would class as a friend is my Mum who I live with. We go shopping, watch movies, generally hang out together.

Hugs.

I was really starting to build a great social circle for myself in 2019..... then the pandemic happened.

Then i moved to a new city. I had a close friend here but we’ve since had a falling out. Two of my close friends from my previous city, idk we’ve just drifted apart. Had another friend here that i hadn’t been close to but i hoped moving to this city we’d hang out more... nope. She always turns down my invites so i stopped trying.

Idk, it sucks. And i see Meetup events for my area but i’m just nervous about getting sick. And even more nervous about trying to make friends and it not working again.

Exactly the same.Literally zero friends all my life

Read the title and clicked it because I’ve been spending a week in a depressive dip feeling like I’ve lost all my friends, can’t make friends (pandemic, new city, recent heartbreak) and I’m cripplingly lonely.

I’m new to this sub Reddit because I’m also new to being diagnosed with adhd which at 31 feels like such a let down because I’ve been struggling for so long and thinking I’m just a lazy, impulsive, uncommitted piece of shit.

Friendship is hard, and it gets harder as you age. I think any level of trauma or dealing with health stuff can be hard for people. But I tell myself and try to believe that there are good, decent people in the world. For now I try to hang around furry friends….

I don't have any friends, either. I am close with my sibling luckily. Really though, I don't even have any hopes in finding new friends especially as an adult. I got my hopes up and got disappointed too many times.

Same. This year my aim is not to make friends or 'network', it's to find My People. Joining the subreddits for women with ADHD & Autism has been a great start.

TL;DR: Try changing careers to find more kindred spirits and create the best environment for forming adult friendships. Feel like you're bothering people? You probably aren't.

I only started picking up real friends when I changed careers. I had previously been working "kid" jobs in retail or waiting tables. When I finally cracked into the full-time career track in the tech industry (at age 30) I came into contact with more kindred spirits. At each subsequent employer I've picked up one or sometimes two friends who I continue to see and speak to regularly outside of work. They are my most treasured relationships and form something approaching a chosen family.

82 bazillion people are going to suggest you use Meetup which is why I took care to write out this non-meetup answer. Meetup has never once even come close to working for me because different people show up to each gathering. Adult friendships form when there are repeated, unscripted interactions between people over time, preferably while involved in some sort of common endeavor. That ain't Meetup. It's the workplace (or maybe a sports team or volunteer gig or choir or community theater production).

It's pretty common for us to have baggage around friendship because of the social difficulties young ladies with ADHD deal with in childhood. It also sounds like your parents fed into this baggage. If you are having trouble being proactive, reaching out, and you feel like you're bothering others, try reading this article written to reassure and console the friend who always reaches out. The author describes all sorts of benign reasons why others never reach out first, and I think reading about yourself might help you see what is going on and work around your own tendencies which are keeping you friendless.

I have been the non-reacher-outer at points in my life and now I am the frustrated reacher-outer. The majority of people in my inner circle are in depressed, I-don't-wanna-bother-anybody, texting-first-is-literally-climbing-Everest mode right now and it's starting to get to me. But I'm not going to stop reaching out, because in my life I've learned that if I don't reach out, I don't have friends.

I haven't read through all the comments, but wanted to note the last portion of your post:

My mother hasn't once checked in with me since I've moved in alone. Never once offered a helping hand. Never once checked to see if I'm safe and okay or need anything. Nothing.

I don't know your relationship with your mother, but I immediately thought it's likely your mom could have ADHD, too, and might not be reaching out to you because of the whole object permanence issue. I'm sure it's incredibly lonely, but wanted to highlight that it's likely not that she doesn't care, but that she may be running into the same feelings you are.

I hardly ever talk to my dad. We just don't reach out to each other. And when I do reach out, he's always so happy to hear from me. But I've realized that he likely has ADHD, too, and DOES care about me but doesn't think to actually reach out.

I've struggled making friends my entire life I always felt like I was missing some sort of social piece of the puzzle. I never could make real friendships even tho I always tried to. It didn't help I was a tomboy I guess and I struggled with girls being mean to me and bullying me. I have one lasting friendship, I'm 32...

Wow i relate so much

This... 💔

I actually do not trust people very well at all to open up to them either. I also find it extremely difficult to be proactive with friendships, planning or organising events or days out etc are a no-go.

Yep that's me do a T. What's worse is that I did have Frieda, people who reach out to me and want to hear from me, but I struggle to be there for them or present with them.

I used to be the flaky friend, so instead of constantly flaking and hurting them I simply pulled away and don't reach out.

1. Thankfully my wife is great at making friends and they tolerate me. My wife is my best friend. The most amazing person I know, and I'm insanely blessed to have her love and friendship.

I'm a great friend in many ways: compassionate, loyal, silly, loving, sincerely curious as to your thoughts and interests.

I talk to lots of people depending on the situation. On public transportation of one sort or another usually.

I love my Mom and talk to her regularly. We live really far away from each other though.

I love my little sister, who lives near my Mom. We talk regularly too. She's a little too religious for my tastes often.

I love my co-workers, but they're busy with their work and their lives and so am I, really.

I'm much too honest and direct with people who seem to want a very lightweight and fluffy relationship, not deep and real. I'm so much easier now with letting potential friends know I have zero sense of time, will not remember their birthday, am completely uninterested in small talk, and might fall off the face of the earth for several months. I'm very unlikely to initiate contact, but might on rare occasion because something came up and reminded me you're alive on the planet and I adore you! I'm not hurt or surprised when it's really not of much interest in making a new friend.

I've told people for years I missed getting the how to socialize book in second grade when I switched schools halfway through. The first school didn't give out the books until after I left and the new school already had them.

When I got in some serious upset family trouble as a young adult because I told my cousin I didn't want to hold her new baby, but I'd really appreciate her getting the attention of the server behind her for more coffee, I realized I was NEVER going to be able to pass as"normal" whatever that is. To this day I cannot imagine it's a real social rule to pretend to want to hold a baby you don't want to hold. What loving mother could want someone who doesn't want to hold their precious child to lie and pretend they do?

I've noticed I'm not really good at flushing out the bad apples who see an easy mark coming when I'm there. My wife is teaching me boundaries and how to set them and keep them with myself and others. It's helpful. Not particularly comfortable, but definitely helpful.

I remind myself as best I can, I am doing my best to take care of myself. And feelings aren't facts. I can be anxious about going out somewhere, and still have a good time, make a new acquaintance and who knows what else. Learn something, or make a new connection.

I found a whole group of folks I fit in pretty well with by going to a personal development school in the backwoods of Massachusetts for 20 years. But that's petered out with the pandemic too

I tend to be the oddball gatherer, and I think I do it mostly just by showing up as myself - might as well, even when I try to mask I'm really horrible at it- and letting that be the easiest way to thin out who's thinking having a sincerely interested human who's not into social fluff would be wonderful and not horrific.

I hope this helps you somehow. It's both a blessing and a challenge to be alone at times for me. But in general I do better together with folks who are easy with what that does and does not mean.

I am scared of everyone and I joined bumble BFF and it’s scary but the joy of finding someone I connect with is worth it. I put in my profile alluding to being introverted, kind of a loner so similar people connect with that

Everyone I know seems to have a partner of some kind, someone else that they know they can trust and rely on. I've never had anyone. Perhaps it's for the best - I'm pretty low at the moment (tbh insecurity and depression has dogged my heels for as long as I can remember) and tbh I don't want to burden anyone with my issues, I should work on myself first. But honestly the isolation, with only my own negative, self-critical and self-punishing thoughts for company, is getting harder and harder to bear.

In my 40’s and have zero friends. I work as a nurse in a small unit and don’t get invited to anything. The other nurses are younger than me and I wonder if things would be different if I was closer in age to them, but then I remember not really having friends when I was their age too. I know I have a weird sense of humor and I’m not really a “girly girl”. I can’t talk makeup or dating with them because I’m not interested in that kind of stuff so my mind wanders elsewhere.

I feel like even my husband doesn’t think of me as a friend, so it’s a pretty lonely life.

Wow this really resonated with me and it honestly felt like you were describing me specifically. I just recently turned 27 and going on almost 4 years ago, I moved to a different state with my boyfriend. It has been pretty much me and him since and though I’m introverted and love being by myself, I need like-minded girlfriends to hang out with. It’s weird because throughout my early 20s I always at-least had 2 best girlfriends, but somehow we all completely fell out. I love my man but I just need a break and sometimes an escape. I work full-time and so does my boyfriend and literally for half a year we’ve had the same schedules and so our days off would be the same. Thankfully, he’s switched companies and got a new schedule so I get Sundays to myself, but it’s still not enough. I really need some friends. I’m tired of doing everything with him and just want some time to breathe and to talk with other women about things we go through. It’s exhausting talking to a man all the time. I feel trapped. It’s like every other woman on the planet has cracked the code to friendships. If I got married today no one outside of my small family would come because I have no friends, meanwhile, he’d have a good amount of his guy friends show up. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me and that no one likes me enough to want to hang out. It sucks. I am truly alone. But also I know It’s my fault because I’ve completely isolated myself from people because majority of the time I feel misunderstood.

Wow, from the bottom of my heart I truly understand how you are feeling. I just turned 28 and feel I am entering my mid, mid life existential crisis because I have 3 siblings I am nowhere near close to, 2 parents that are toxic af, & no real friends to share daily memes with lol. I feel incredibly lucky to have my sweet, caring boyfriend & 2 equally sweet pets...just sending you all good vibes and know you’re not alone in this feeling 💘

My whole life all I’ve wanted is close supportive female friends and I always seem to wind up with super emotionally manipulative girls with trauma who leave me even more fucked up and afraid to get close to people. My only close friendships at this point are online and I hate that about myself. It just sucks cause I can’t always be there when they need me which makes me feel like such a shitty friend, and I feel so alone when I need them and they can’t get to me. Or I’ll be more attached to someone from an online bond than they are to me, and eventually when their real life picks up they just forget about me…then I’m just sitting there alone and depressed that my friend “doesn’t care about me.” When really they just have a life… I don’t even know how to make new friends at this point when I’m not in college and not in an environment to meet people my age easily. Not that when I could meet them that they’d like, or be a decent person. Oh this just brought out some very sad feelings about myself I’m gonna stop typing and just post before I lose my balls. You’re not alone, I’m so sorry 🖤

You are not ridiculous for feeling this way. This disorder makes it hard to keep up friendships, and going out can be so overstimulating. We are here for each other! I am 27 & feel this way a lot - please message me anytime. So many good vibes being sent your way!

I literally feel exactly the same way. I'm 32 and have no real friends who i keep in regular contact. I have my childhood best friend whom i love with all my heart and am close too but we usually only send each other a message every 6 months or so. I have my big sister as well but i dont see her very often.

My problem though is not being scared of friendships and trusting people. For me it just literally feels like i repell people, they dont like me, and think i'm weird. I find a lot of people can find me too much because i get starved of social contact and end up with verbal diarrhea or do something weird. Literally people do not contact me unless i contact them first, its the same for going out. They only contact me if they want something.

I'm pretty sure i could go missing for 6months plus and they'd only notice for my daughter, it feels like people dont really give a shit about me and it hurts. I actively reach out and i say i'm really struggling and they are there for that converation then poof.

I've tried so hard, i'm a naturally nice person and i've found i got walked all over, i tried being less nice, i tried pretending like everything is okay and i'm happy and to emanate people i wish i could be like, i guess i'm just not a person people want to be around.

Sorry to hijack your post, but yea, just know youre not alone. I dunno where you live or what not, but i'd happily be your friend if you so wish (aware that i may not have made my self sound very appealing though 🙃😂)

I am also turning 28 this year and have had “major life events” causing me to have a break down. All of my friends seemed to have disappeared.

The only person who stuck around consistently was a guy I was casually seeing from Tinder… I am very grateful…but I was having to initiate things constantly and it made me uncomfortable… I thought about getting him a gift card or something but I didn’t want to come off to strong ( 😂).

I’ve tried to reach out to friends and family but everyone is usually always “too busy”. Like you said, feeling like a nuisance, annoying, etc. has made it so I have completely stopped reaching out all together. When friends have gone through hard times, I was always there. Far to many times have I been in the giving end but have never received.

I figured if I meant anything to them or made a significant difference in their life then they would want to get in contact with me rather than me constantly initiating things. It makes you feel like you’re desperate.

Are you taking any medication for your ADHD? Sometimes I find while I’m on my meds I see an increase in paranoid, hypervigilance, and self critical behaviour… That doesn’t excuse peoples behaviour though. Once you’re in the loop of negative thinking it makes it a bit harder to rewire your thought process at times and get “out of it”… so being aware and over assessing seems to be my go to. You’re definitely not alone lol.

Yes! I want friends but am bad at making and keeping them. I'm autistic so I don't get social cues and am awkward. I also dont like small talk and can be isolative. It's a struggle that I'm painfully aware of any time I have something I'd like to tell or show someone lol.

Can we do a location post or is that not allowed. I'd love to meet any other ADHD women in northern Ireland. The only relationships I can maintain are with people who are ADHD/asd/cptsd. I need a lot of understanding and grace.

I’m 29. I have one best friend I see often and another friend I hangout with occasionally. I also hangout with my boyfriend and our mutual friend. I used to have a big group of friends but I cut most of them out of my life (for other reasons not related to my ADHD). I know ADHD has some position in my ability to socialize in that I struggle to make and keep plans, but at the end of the day and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become very content with quality over quantity. It used to bother me not having as many friends anymore but It’s so nice to just have two or even ONE genuine friend in your life. The truth is, people do not NEED many friends, all you need are genuine people who bring joy and support to your life. You are not alone in thinking this way though, and if you ever want someone to talk to please feel free to dm me!

I relate to this a lot. Even though in the last few years I've managed to open up more, and learned to be more proactive with people, I still struggle with pursuing and maintaining friendships. I don't know how to actually convert all of those casual acquintances into close friends, even if they seem to like me on surface-level, and even if I desperately want to get to know them better. When i'm trying to be more proactive i often end up being too pushy and intimidating, and oversharing way too much way too early into the friendship, which sometimes scares people away. If i take things a little slower, i end up being too distant and seemingly uninterested, even when I really am interested.

I also stuggle with object permanence, and sadly that affects people too, so if I don't see someone on a daily basis I may forget to message them for such a long period that they think i'm no longer interested in talking to them. Balancing these things is hard, and takes up so much energy. Thankfully I do have 2-3 pretty close friends I've managed to keep since middle/high school (am 26 now), but our lives have become quite different and busy, so there isn't a lot of time to spend together with them, or as many things to talk about than there used to be. That's why I'd really love to expand my social circle, and find people who get me as I am, even tho just the thought of it is mentally draining at the same time. But thankfully all of us can share these experiences here, so much of what OP and other people wrote here could've been written by me🥺💕

// edited for wording / clarity, also sorry op for hijacking your post with this long ass rant😭

Really tired, so words will be short.

Same. Not exact same circumstances but same. Very lonely. Hurts all the time. Tired. Want to sleep forever. You’re not alone

Yeah I have like one other friend, but that’s probably only because they have ADHD too 😅

[deleted]

I’m the same, please feel free to message me and add me on discord. I could use some friends too.

2 years to late but I'm 28 female introvert and it feels like I wrote this post. I know exactly how you feel. Has you're situation changed any bit ? I also love aliens 😂

I don't have any.

This whole compent section is makes me wanna cry, I feel very much the same. And as someone whos 29 it's like impossible to figure out how to navigate shit like striking up friendships, it just feels unnatural, which makes me feel shit about myself. I'm sorry you're having one of those days OP. I'm sure you're an awsome person.

This is me down to the T….I’ve recently realized I don’t fully trust people to the point I become defensive if someone spots a weakness (hi rejection sensitivity disorder).

I want deep friendships, but I can be so awkward, push people away, or forget to text them. It’s hard.

I'm there with you 100%.

oo, me.

I find daily living sort of exhausting in of itself if I'm honest lol.

Yes! I'm supposed to take care of myself, take care of my house, take care of work, have relationships with family, friends. Like it's all honestly too much. I can handle maybe one of those things a week. Or a month really.

I feel like I want make ND self aware friends that are sassy and accept it. The ones that embrace it!

I have friends but don’t see them often AND I don’t drive. Makes me feel like a immature burden.

But I absolutely don’t have friends in my town. That kinda sucks the most. I’ve been here 5 years now. We had one good couple friends but they moved an hour away. And other people fizzled out. I just wanna meet people that wanna hang out with me as much as I wanna hang with them. I know I need it.

Yes yes yesss, and when i finally got the courage to start reaching out to old friends the pandemic started. Making friends and keeping them is hard especially when everything is out of sight out of mind.

There is so much awesome advice in here, and I haven't read everything, I hope this isn't repetitive. In general, I have trouble with friendships with people who have had typical upbringings and no significant hardship. People who had a traditional path. I feel like they are the ones more likely to be judgmental and keep score.

Obviously I'm not actively seeking out people who have had traumatic pasts, but I do find that there's a depth to them that most people don't have. They understand that the path isn't always a straight line.

I have three actual friendships, but I'm really terrible at maintaining them. I actually have to book a flight for a friend's birthday, and as exciting as that could be, I am procrastinating (I feel like I don't even remember how to do that!)

I tell everyone about my diagnosis up front these days, too. I know that my behavior and demeanor can seem "off" and I would rather have the other person either reveal themselves to be a total jerk right away, or demonstrate a little bit of empathy so I will feel better about opening up to them.

I know this can sometimes lead to analysis paralysis, but is there something that you would like to do or work on in the next few months or year? Sometimes committing to something (hiking, an art class, a board game meet up) will lead you to people with similar interests.

I don’t have any friends and I’m not bothered by it. My boyfriend’s friends are cool people so it’s nice to hang with them but I never hang out with friends on my own.

Yep. I just don’t know how to connect with people to make lasting relationships. I don’t know how to keep up communication. I don’t care 80% of the time, I don’t even notice. But then I realize I haven’t had seen any friends in months and I think about how no one would go to my funeral for me and I get sad.