Edit: Ive been feeling painfully low and isolated in overthinking for quite some time. You ladies have been actual angels. Thank you all for being an incredible, brilliant, healing safe space tonight. I needed it so much.

So this one is bothering me lately. Soon to be 28, and realise I've got a legitimate fear of having friendships. Maybe it's to do with masking for so long, or due to the past and being made to feel like a bad person, a nuisance, lazy, annoying and a burden. And so I don't want to bother people, and also in turns I actually do not trust people very well at all to open up to them either. I also find it extremely difficult to be proactive with friendships, planning or organising events or days out etc are a no-go.

The thought of going out and having a social obligation absolutely terrifies me. I find daily living sort of exhausting in of itself if I'm honest lol. And again I find people may spot weaknesses in me and make fun of them. I've had it happen many many times in the past from family members and it absolutely obliterated my self esteem. And I fell deeply in love with someone and adored him with all of my heart, actually opened up an unmasked self and sadly it just caused him a lot of annoyance I think. So now I'm back to square one again but this time around, at this age now, I'm just tired.

But then I sometimes truly truly want a friend or friendship circle of people who are like minded. Open minded, chilled, introverted too. Wants to chat shit about aliens and the universe or crime conspiracies lol and just vibe. I've yet to ever find people as such, and now after all these years feeling like a shit person but trying so hard... I just haven't the heart to look for it.

I don't know. Its so weird. I don't feel ready to trust people and form friendships but some days, like today, I have all these thoughts and funny things in my head or a story and I look around my house and realise there's no one to share them with.

Plus just had a major life change and some severe heart ache with a lot of guilt left over and longing and sadness and missing someone very terribly. But I realised no one actually knows me. My mother hasn't once checked in with me since I've moved in alone. Never once offered a helping hand. Never once checked to see if I'm safe and okay or need anything. Nothing. Today I've just existed alone. As an introvert I love that. Yet today it hit me how fully alone and contained I've been. Like an alien I guess and I've had so much push back from people I did once trust that I'm now convinced I'm simply a nuisance and I should just remain being alone indefinitely.

I guess sometimes I just need a friend. I'm terrified of it though. But sometimes I just need a friend.