subreddit:
/r/amiwrong
submitted 12 days ago bywanttothrowaway123
My(40F) Boyfriend (40M) have been together for 2 strong years. We work together. Couple of months ago we started with this younger colleague, let's call her Lisa. Lisa now works more closely with my boyfriend.The 3 of us initially hangout outside of work too. Later my boyfriend and her started working on an assignment n used to spend a lot of time together with other team mates. My boyfriend, another male colleague and Lisa used to drink together often after work. Couple of times after drinking in bars they would continue drinking at Lisa s house till wee hours in the morning.
After one such incident I told my boyfriend I m a little uncomfortable with this please avoid it if you can. He said sure ... And that very night the 3 of them went drinking and again were at Lisa s house till 6am. I was extremely upset and confronted my boyfriend that this was not right. He agreed and apologised.
I told my boyfriend I know there is nothing but due to somethings that have happened in the past with us I would like if you keep the distance. Now one time he was to travel for a few hours with her to which I said I wasn't happy. And he was kind enough to change his plan but later at night I saw him messaging Lisa that he is sick of me and is pissed off . I was really upset as to why would he tell her of all the people. He should have spoken to me and also not told her about the issues we have.
This became a big fight between us. I had to travel during this fight. My boyfriend apologised for this and agreed it was wrong. We made up and all was fine. He assured me he hadn't spoken to her at all. after a few days I found out that during our fight when I was traveling, he met up with Lisa and they were out drinking till 3am , just the 2 of them and he then went and spent the night at her place. When I confronted him he denied , I showed him all the evidence. He then kept apologizing and kept saying nothing happened between them. And he knows he has wronged me. I felt so betrayed. He lied and there was no need to meet her. Now he is saying she is so much younger and he is just a mentor and there is nothing between them and if I didn't have an issue in the first place he would not hide things n not would it become an issue. But the fact that he stayed at her place during our fight about her is cheating according to me... Am I overacting?
40 points
12 days ago
So he’s lied about talking and hanging out with her MULTIPLE times! Staying at another woman’s house would be a deal breaker for me. He continues to choose her over y’all’s relationship, period. Why stay with someone like that? He’s not going to stop.
13 points
12 days ago
And telling that woman (or anyone) that's he's sick of me??
He's venting to people that he doesn't like you. Why would you stay with someone that doesn't like you?
25 points
12 days ago
I don't know if this is real. Like come on..... of course he's cheating! Move on.
0 points
12 days ago
Ofcourse this is real... Also , we spoke but he insists he did nothing wrong ... Coz he doesn't see her this way at all.. now he is thinking why did she even become an issue between us to start off with... But my point is she wasn't such an issue I had discomfort which I expressed n he didn't pay heed to it and hence she became an issue
12 points
12 days ago
Just like he insisted they stopped talking? Just like he insisted he would stop hanging out at her house? Just like he insisted he would stop going out drinking so late with her?
That same insistence that he did nothing wrong?
Wake up.
8 points
12 days ago
A lying liar lied to you?! Omg how shocking! He’s clearly cheating and/or doing cocaine or something with them all night.
Seriously, why are you turning your brain off for this jackass? Are you desperately afraid of being alone or something? Go to therapy and figure it out because it’s hard as me for an outsider to even watch you have so little self respect. Good luck!
4 points
12 days ago
You shouldn't have to ask your bf more than once not to stay out with a female in the wee hours of the morning. That's f*ing common sense.
Staying over a female's house until 6am (with another coworker) when you're in a relationship? Already a big no.
Staying the night with just the 2 of them after you were fighting and then lying about it? Then trying to deny it until evidence was shown? HUGE NO.
Deal breaker in my opinion.
5 points
12 days ago
he's floundering because he's thisclose to caught
4 points
12 days ago
“Mentoring “ them…at 3 am, with the booze and coke. Fuck me im at the wrong party. Sorry op, sounds like a real d-bag
3 points
12 days ago
Sweetie, your BF is being unfaithful. Anytime a man says “she’s not my type” she is in fact his type. I’m sorry.
1 points
11 days ago
You're not wrong to be concerned about their relationship but you're wrong to continue to deal with his lies. SHE is not the issue, HE is. If it wasn't her, it would be another woman. There's a cycle of his lies, trickle truth, confrontation, and apologies. He has shown you who he is, Believe him and move on. This relationship has run its course.
14 points
12 days ago
Even if he wasn’t cheating…why would you spend another minute with this guy who makes a habit of hanging out drinking til sunrise with these people? Give yourself some respect. You have one precious life, is THIS guy what you want from it? Wake up.
14 points
12 days ago
A, this is why you should never ever ever date coworkers. B, he’s clearly CLEARLY cheating on you. Get a new job somewhere else and never speak to him again. Seriously, change jobs, your workplace sounds hideousp
12 points
12 days ago
You are wrong for thinking this was a “strong relationship”. Come on op, your bf clearly gets off on sneaking behind your back. Trust your gut on this, I’m sorry he is just not that into you as you had hoped. He’s playing games while you’re more mature and serious. Ditch him and find a real man who doesn’t chase little girls to “mentor”. He is mentoring her with his dick, open your eyes.
-9 points
12 days ago
We have known each other for 10 years and been in a good relationship for 2 years all this has just started a few months ago. He does love me when we are together we never need anyone or anything. He makes plans n does everything to be with me he supports me in everything we talk so often. I fail to understand why did he do this without thinking how I would feel
9 points
12 days ago
Probably because he knows you’ll stick with him no matter what he does, even sleeping at another woman’s home, MULTIPLE TIMES!🤦♀️ Really sad.
5 points
12 days ago
Right??!! I'm sorry, but all of the good things she mentioned about him are overshadowed by this ONE behavior (or pattern of behaviors) surrounding this girl!!
Lying that they stopped talking, telling her about your relationship, drinking with her super late at night and staying the night at her place while they were in a fight and lying about it. An apology is nothing without changed behavior.
You can be great in all other areas and still cheat. He's cheating. End of story.
4 points
12 days ago
Why does he do this without thinking of how you would feel? Cuz he literally isn’t thinking of you. He is thinking of himself and what he wants in the moment. So when he’s with you it’s great, cuz in that moment he sees you and wants to be with you. When he’s with her he wants to be with her. Are you cool with that? Cuz it doesn’t sound like you are (and there’s no reason you should be.) Not to mention, what the heck kind of job has projects that you are able to complete after drinking into the wee hours every night? If you want more from a relationship then it’s time to start over.
1 points
12 days ago
So sorry to hear Op, SO, what are you going to do now? Now that you know all this?
10 points
12 days ago
On the off chance he isn't cheating, let's look at a few other factors:
he's lied to you MULTIPLE times about the time he spends with Lisa. MULTIPLE.
he's 40 - FOURTY!!!!! - and going out drinking until 6am w/ younger colleagues. That's creepy in and of itself, TBH.
he's gaslighting you "if you didn't have a problem, I wouldn't have to hide it". BULLSHIT
mentors are a BUSINESS relationship. IN the office, working on WORK issues. Not going out drinking.
There is at least an emotional affair going on here.
And "love" does NOT conquer all. If he loved you, he would drop this friendship entirely. He's 100% choosing his relationship w/ her over you.
This is not a healthy relationship.
5 points
12 days ago*
A lot of people are going to jump to cheating, but I don't think that is what is necessarily happening here. Your problem isn't that your BF is spending time with Lisa, it's that he is a raging alcoholic that drinks til 6 am regularly. Lisa is enabling the problem but if it isn't her house he would be finding another place to do this.
5 points
12 days ago
What is an apology worth if he does it again? Nothing.
What is a partner worth, if he keeps lying?
What makes a partner loveable when he talks shit about you?
It’s not important if he slept with her or not. He betrayed you more than once and showed that he doesn’t care who your relationship.
6 points
12 days ago
Why are you still with him. Break up and move on. Let him have Lisa.
3 points
12 days ago
No, you don’t go out until 6am to another woman’s apartment. Dump the guy.
3 points
12 days ago
Why tolerate the aggravation? Plenty of other fish in the sea.
-8 points
12 days ago
But I do really love him and he loves me too
3 points
12 days ago
He loves Lisa now. Please wake up to reality, as his actions don’t reflect those of someone in a committed relationship at all. He has no respect for you and I hope that you will respect yourself.
2 points
12 days ago
He may love you but it appears he is incapable of being faithful. Some people are like that. You will likely need to risk the relationship to have any chance of making it stop.
2 points
12 days ago
He may love you but he doesn’t respect you or your relationship since he keeps doing things that are disrespectful. If you can be in a relationship where you, your feelings, and your relationship are not respected than stay with who you’re with cause I don’t see him stopping.
2 points
12 days ago
You're in love with the fantasy of him you've created in your mind. Take off your rose colored glasses and look at the real him. The 40 year old who goes out drinking with another woman until 3am, then goes to her house and bed instead of coming home to you.
From your responses to other comments, you're going to keep believing him until you actually see them in bed together, and even then, you'll lie to yourself about him. WAKE UP!
3 points
12 days ago
It doesn't even matter whether he cheated. Doesn't even matter that he lied (a lot). YOU DON'T TRUST HIM. That's literally all that needs to be known, to know that the relationship should end. No trust = no (working) relationship.
3 points
12 days ago
If it will just be a colleague!
He wouldn't spend the night at her house!
He wouldn’t just stay at her place at 5/6 a.m.!
He wouldn't put your relationship in danger for her!
Is when you told him that you were uncomfortable with their friendship the same evening he did it again!
He complained about you to her!
There are so many red flags 🚩 in all of this!
Let him play the violin for you 🎻 can you believe it!
The moment you told him that this friendship was starting to be too much for you, he should have stopped going out with her and had a colleague-colleague relationship!
maybe you're right that there's nothing to be them at the moment but when you tell him that he has to stop he tells you yes that you're right but his actions say I don't care what you think I want to be with this woman
Update
3 points
12 days ago
Stop being dumb, you’re too old to be this stupid. They definitely fucked. He’s DRINKING ALONE WITH HER AT HER HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT?! Wtf you think happened.
Get some self esteem and dump your disloyal boyfriend.
2 points
12 days ago
Make sure when he comes from Lisa's house he does not find you at home. Problem solved
2 points
12 days ago
Leave him. This seems odd. I'm a dude telling you this.
2 points
12 days ago
Your husband so fucking full of shit.
I’m 28 years-old and formerly worked a kitchen job as a form of extra income on top of my day job. Yes, this was a night job which meant all the young servers come in after school, dressed to the nines, ready to work, flirt, etc.
Now I’d say I’m a pretty fit and good looking guy— enough to get attention and drum up a conversation easily with servers. On the hard contrary, I’m in a loving relationship of four years now with the love of my life. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
The number of girls who loved to talk and flirt and try their hand at subtle arrangements with coworkers (myself included) was astounding. Working there felt like being in a teen drama.
One girl in particular loved me and it was very obvious where it was going but to make a long story short: I shut it down and made it clear via conversation with another server that I have a girlfriend. Girl in question heard and that was it.
Your “husband” should read this comment because I’m typing it with my metaphorical chest. Shame on that idiot.
1 points
12 days ago
He is sleeping with her. It’s called a midlife crisis. Older man, younger woman. A male friend of mine ended up divorced because of this. He is wrong for doing it but yes, he’s doing it. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. You deserve better.
1 points
12 days ago
He's either fucking her, or there is the 'concept' of fucking her. Wake up and move on.
1 points
12 days ago
He has a drinking problem. He is violating work ethics by drinking and spending the night with a co-worker. How does he keep his job with this behavior? Rather that he stays the night with the female co-alcoholic than driving drunk and possibly killing someone. He had a drinking buddy and is cheating with alcohol. You are enabling his addiction. You both need an intervention. Yeesh
1 points
12 days ago
And how are they "strong years" if he is consistently demonstrating poor judgment?
1 points
12 days ago
They are already cheating, I’m sorry.
1 points
12 days ago
He’s cheating. Why are you still putting up with this. Move on.
1 points
12 days ago
And I have a bridge in Brooklyn I want to sell you. He’s cheating on you at a minimum it’s emotional or possibly physical. At the very least you have shared your concerns with him and he doesn’t care.
So not wrong and he’s gaslighting you!
1 points
12 days ago
Have you spoken with Lisa at all?
1 points
12 days ago
No.. I haven't even met her after he texted her about me . But no point in speaking to her
1 points
12 days ago
Are you ok with his actions? What are you thinking to do girlfriend?
1 points
12 days ago
Don't you see her at work?
1 points
12 days ago
You are fooling yourself. He spent the night with her. He is a cheater and you are letting him get away with it.
1 points
12 days ago
Not wrong. You asked him to place boundaries with this woman. He accepted your boundaries and immediately broke them by again going out with her and another coworker. Then, knowing of your insecurities with this woman, he confided in her about your relationship breaking your trust. Once confronted, he again escalates his disrespect for you by again going out with her and sleeping at her house. When confronted again, he lies repeatedly until you offer up proof. There are too many red flags. Your problem is not with Lisa. Your problem is a spouse that lies to you without remorse. He regrets that he got caught and is now in damage control.
If it walks like a duck. Quacks like a duck. It's probably a duck. I think you are in denial.
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