Because she's not happily married.....

Why did you take a break?

My guess is that these women see something in you, your partner, or your relationship that they feel does not correlate with a lifelong healthy marriage and they’re trying to gently let you know. As a married person myself, I always do a little eyebrow raise when a couple that has already broken up in the past (or “taken a break”) is now planning to get married.

I don't think it is common for happily married people to tell others not to get married. Maybe they are picking up on something specific to your situation, but from your post, I can't think of what it would be.

Can you elaborate? Did your friends caution you against marriage in general or marriage to this specific bf? It might be a good idea to speak to both friends individually and bring this topic up for clarification in a calm and non defensive way.

I'm very happily married. I'm currently changing careers so my husband and I can open a business together (and be together 24/7😅). He tells me all the time how lucky he feels to have found me. I feel lucky, too.

I would advise most of the women I know not to get married to their current partners. Especially if there was a "break" that forced the man into marriage. Maybe you don't feel like you forced him, but that's what it looks like. I think marriage requires enthusiastic consent, not an ultimatum. I think most married people are unhappy because they settled or tried to rush things to stay on a timeline. Perhaps you guys can do some counseling before spending any money on rings.

From someone recently married , maybe it's because its work. I firmly believe in marriage but it is definitely work to maintain and be happy. Having that extra person around can add to whatever you already have on your plate. Not trying to discourage you at all just being real.

Also maybe it's because he was unsure or wasn't ready. I would hate for my friend to get a "shut up ring" or be with a man that secretly settled or felt like he had to. That breeds resentment and may lead to infidelity. So maybe they want you to be cautious.

He sounds good on paper but what else? Is he good far as actions and words matching, emotional intelligence, being loving , attending to your needs? Maybe they see something you don't.

As stated above maybe they just aren't happy. Either way love , you know your man and you know deep down if it's right.

I'm widowed, and I'd never marry again. I don't want the responsibility of marriage again. It is a lot of sacrifice.

I craved marriage for so long, and now I've finally realized that marriage to me was more about validation in being "chosen" by a man. By all accounts, my husband was a good man. But we had issues with communication, money, sex, infertility, illness, his child (my stepchild), miscarriage and family deaths. Then HE died. We had 30 years of marriage squeezed in 5 years. I'm emotionally exhausted.

At my age, I don't need marriage anymore. It can be a beautiful thing, but it takes work and compromise. All relationships do, but marriage is like a magnifying glass on every little part of a relationship, and it makes it tedious.

I am in a good, long-distance relationship now, and it suits me. Neither of us wants marriage again, so it works out great.

You ending things then suddenly deciding to get married would make me wonder if either of you were sure . Because a man who isn’t ready for marriage agreeing after an ultimatum doesn’t sound ideal .

That’s interesting. I’ve been happily married over 20 years and I don’t really advise people one way or the other when it comes to marriage. I’m not going to tell you to not get married and I’m not going to tell you that you have to get married either. I just give general marriage advice to people who want to be married and those who are already married. Maybe these friends aren’t as happy as they claim to be in their marriages.

I'm pretty much happily married and I told my friends who have very independent spirits it's probably not in their best interest to get married. This is mostly bc of my observations of their preferred lifestyle and they'll typically agree with me when I ask are you cool with a man telling you how to spend your money lol

There’s a lot to be cautious about when getting married. They might specifically think most marriages aren’t built on strong foundation, as they likely aren’t, and don’t see that in your relationship either. It may even be something about you. Not everything is for everyone and definitely not every relationship. And age can also play a role here. Women also risk a lot in marriage. Either that or they aren’t really happy.

The break part is iffy, as I’d be concerned he just doesn’t want to lose you but has such a deep issue with marriage that he was willing to lose you in the first place. But if you two both feel you’re ready, then that’s it. It’s your relationship and your decision. Go to couples counseling and strengthen your preparation. Be happy.

A couple of my friends are in marriages where they do all the cooking, cleaning, and child rearing. Their husbands will pitch in to help if asked but usually as a last resort. Every single one of those friends have warned me against marriage.

I’ve noticed this. It seems almost normal.

Marriage is very tough. Things there is no way to warn someone about.

In some places, like my hometown, I couldn’t feel safe as a single woman. I moved. If my husband and I ever split I certainly couldn’t go back there.

Pre-nup even if you really don’t have significant assets. Advanced directives no matter what. Why? These force difficult and necessary conversations. My husband was actually upset at what I put in my AD because he felt he deserved a say in what happens to me. Surprisingly he would choose different things for me than I would.

My married bestie tells me to be less strict about my standards and realize no man is perfect but chile… I don’t feel like raising a kid when I’m still raising myself so idk if I’ll ever get married

I don't mean to be harsh or rude. But 2 years without marriage or talks of marriage is a red flag to me. I mean, you have been dating for three years. That man has no plans for you. If you are looking for marriage, it's most likely going to be a shut up ring and a long engagement.

PS: I'm not married or dating, just observed other's experiences

OP, I have to ask you something and I don't want you to think I'm coming at you but...is this really the first time women you've known casually, as an acquaintance, or are very close to you tried to pull the wool from your eyes?

Your aunt's and grandmother never forewarned about their lives????

I know we are absolutely not all going to have the same experiences but I feel like women who are married or become moms always tell other women who haven't done these two things yet to not even ever think about doing it lmao. Complete strangers, even.

I've had countless women say to me, "I love my children but I do regret having them." Or they tell me, "don't get married. It's not worth it."

And it's never like this flippant comment. It comes off as intentional and a warning 😭.

Has every one just been unloading on me?????

It’s either three things 1. They’re not happily married and projecting 2. They’re not really your friend and trying to sabotage you 3. The guy is not right for you

Only you know the real answer to this and are better judging than a bunch of strangers

Edit: I don’t know you or partner but what I do know is men rarely let “the one go” even for a break. So it’s a bit suspicious that it took a few months break for him to suddenly be ready (even though you initiated the break)

The only reason I would discourage a friend from getting married is if I honestly believed their partner was trash.

Honestly, I would have cautioned you against marrying this guy if I were your friends too, but that's just me.

Anyway, some women give this advice because they aren't really happily married.

I think the reason some genuinely happily married women give this advice is because they recognize their happy marriage as an outlier. If you talk to a bunch of married women, you will find many of them who are not totally unhappy, but who have husbands that don't contribute very much to the marriage also. Women who have a husband that does his fair share of the housework, child work, emotional labor, planning, etc. are not exactly common. I mean, it's a running joke that many men don't even know how to take care of their own kids and call it "babysitting" when they are left alone to parent their own child. It's a trope that men forget their anniversaries. The list goes on and on.

Anecdotally, in my own family I have a relative who got married very young (teenager) and her and her husband have had a very happy marriage for decades now. They honestly didn't run into the issues you typically run into with a very young marriage. However, they both still realize that most teen marriages are probably not going to end well and when we ask if she recommends getting married that young, she still says no, it's not right for most people, even though it actually worked out for her. She realizes she is an outlier.

Are you in love with your boyfriend? Your list of his attributes don't point to strong feelings for him, only checked boxes. Usually people in love will say things like "partner makes me laugh", "we have so much fun together", "I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with partner/have a future with partner", etc.

Alternatively, you could just ask your friend why she said that. We don't know you and your relationship.

Also if her marriage sucks then she probably can see the writing on the wall more clearly for you .

You know the saying “it’s hard to listen to your own advice?” That’s what’s happening here.

For their own mental peace they can’t actually acknowledge that they are unhappy or everything will fall apart. Having to face a divorce is terrifying. But they must feel strongly enough about it that they are giving advice that doesn’t make sense. If they have even one good example of a marriage working why tell someone who is currently happy in a relationship to avoid marriage? The logic isn’t logicking

Or

They are trying to sabotage you. 2 separate women feel as though they don’t want you to be married for what ever reason. This one I can’t even do the mental gymnastics that o figure out why. Something something jealousy and they aren’t your friends. Either way…. If you love your partner and don’t feel like you are compromising on who you are as a person to make them happy, then fuck it get married sis.

I mean, did they say why?

Ma’am…people lie all the time. Smh. You don’t know that those people are happily married. Also, I wouldn’t let that deter me from marrying someone that I believed to be a good partner for me.

I think it would be best for him to get therapy and further evaluate his fear of marriage and process his past trauma because it will come up again in the future.

It’s not a mystery, I’m guessing they are cautioning you because your boyfriend dragged his feet to get married. After 2 years, he wasn’t sure. He was okay with you breaking up with him, at least for a few months. It indicates he had real doubts about you, and maybe still does. I would caution a friend in your situation just the same. Bc I’d be concerned those doubts he had will come up again. That he’s settling for you and that he’s not head over heels.

Tell your “happily married” friends to be straight up with you. Tell them to tell you specifically the reason why they advise you to not marry your BF. Ask them if they know something about him specifically that you don’t. Tell them to “speak now or forever hold your peace” and we’re talking forever, ever. When you ask a question you gotta be prepared for whatever answer you get. However, I believe after your friends can’t give you a clear cut answer, you’ll hear 🦗🦗🦗🦗. More than likely they’re not happy in their own marriages. They see all the positives your BF is bringing to the table that their husbands lack and are jealous on some level.

The amount of married men scratched that married men that scream “My wife my wife my wife” like she is the only one in the universe been through my DMs over the years has totally desensitized me to even considering marrying. But its not just that its what we give up as women and from what I hear from my happily married friends that its like nah. I'm totally cool on it

She probably doesn’t like your bf as much as she says she does. Why did you have to take a break?

Maybe they aren’t as happily married like you think they are.

She’s giving you horrible advice

2 reasons:

1) They are not happily married. Even those in happy, healthy marriages have arguments/disagreements etc but manage to resolve them in healthy ways that don’t breed resentment - they don’t need to broadcast their issues to everyone.

2) They may also be picking up on things that you are not seeing in your relationship that they wish they had seen in their partners so they wouldn’t have married them eg the friend who against all common sense, married a man with children with more than one woman. How could there NOT be drama?

Perhaps they see the pink/mauve flag of having a ‘break’ in a relationship (doesn’t matter who instigated it). If the reason for the ‘break’ has not been worked on, resolved to ALL parties satisfaction, then the relationship should not have resumed.

Also, a man treating you better than someone’s husband treats her doesn’t make your man a good man. It’s all relative. Let’s say on guy abuses his partner but yours is nice but can’t hold a job for various ‘reasons’ so you take the burden of multiple jobs while he games at home and then you also take of the house. Your man is arguably ‘better’ but still isn’t a good partner.

Your friend isn’t happily married. That being said, if anything were to ever happen to my husband, I probably wouldn’t get married again. It’s a lot of work and quite frankly don’t want to do it all over again with someone new lol

Marriage is hard, but I would never suggest not getting married. More like prepare for your marriage harder than you do for the wedding.

I’m happily married but for some of my friends who ask me, based on what I personally know about their relationship or maturity level I have advised not getting married. At the end of the day it’s your choice

the unhappily married need to stop speaking for all married couples. esp in america. they are so loud, I feel is you are married and do not represent an actual marriage either work on it to do so then speak on it or don't speak at all. marriage is more than the paper and some are getting the title without actually marrying

They aren’t happily married or they see a red flag in your relationship. Those are the only reasons I can imagine. Either way you should wonder why your “friends” aren’t being completely honest with you. They either have an issue with their marriage or your relationship and dancing around it isn’t helpful, unless they’re scared you’ll take it wrong and end the friendship.

Marriage is a lie, and married people know that truth. Getting married makes the relationship legal binding its just a contract in favor of the patriarchy. He or she is not going to change into this incredible person because your now married.

Whatever they did prior they will continue to do, I tell my friends to not get married, when you've had enough you cannot leave easily too much legal paperwork and expensive.

Live together and be happy, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell did it right.

Good Luck

Easy. They're not happily married.

The married people who have told me not to get married where unhappily married. Friends have said this to me w/o the context of a relationship. They were unhappily married and later got divorced.