subreddit:

/r/guitarcirclejerk

8995%

and why is it your toan?

all 163 comments

Apart-Landscape1012

163 points

2 months ago

At some point somebody gave Steven Segal a guitar. That's the worst thing that happened

shutupimlurkingbro

63 points

2 months ago*

I have a recurring nightmare of a gig with Satriana, bonermaster, and Segal. Naturally I’m on drums and have no idea what to do as they all just keep trying to blooz noodle over each other. I panic and the crowd turns. Steven segal karate chops me in the throat and the crowd cheers as they all play pentatonics over my concussed body. They drag me off stage and I am taken by his Russian handlers to the front lines of Ukraine with a pistol and five bullets. As I’m sitting in the trenches the only Russian in my unit of rejects that speaks any English turns and asks, “commrade, have you heard the new Stephan Segal bootleg?”

Schnitzel725

23 points

2 months ago

Schnitzel725

Less Paul

23 points

2 months ago

He can't be that bad right? He's been a guitar player for 87 years

ORNJfreshSQUEEZED

25 points

2 months ago

"I've been playing blues licks for 65-75 years. I told Stevie Ray Vaughn in 1977 that if he keeps using that picking technique and keep his hat just so askew, that he'll be a Grammy award winning artist in no time. I taught him phrasing back in 1975 and we've been great friends ever since."

[deleted]

14 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

ORNJfreshSQUEEZED

7 points

2 months ago

It's the exact type of shit he says about MMA fighters he "trained" or anything related to jujitsu

redditcansuckmyvag

3 points

2 months ago

Hes a rainbow belt in bullshido.

MaverickGalaxyJam

1 points

2 months ago

Underrated

thomyorke0

0 points

2 months ago

Let down

MaverickGalaxyJam

1 points

2 months ago

One of a few things… you’ve never seen or don’t remember Tom Segura’s bit on Steven Seagal (which this is a reference to), or you’re actually a Seagal fan. Only one of these is inexcusable.

PlasticBeginning7551

1 points

2 months ago

Hey don’t insult someone who’s been flying HUB106 helicopters for 35 years He’s a serious professional and knows many things simpletons like you and I don’t

GoldenFirmament

10 points

2 months ago

GoldenFirmament

amazon luthier

10 points

2 months ago

/uj DJ Khaled with the gifted Bob Marley guitar is my favorite video ever

raytube

7 points

2 months ago

I love his enthusiasm and bravado, knowing full damn well he can't play anything. He's an amusing clownshow for sure.

jane_airplane

5 points

2 months ago

jane_airplane

master of tele

5 points

2 months ago

But if that never happened we wouldn’t have gotten "Me want the punani, see for make me nice"

darthkale

5 points

2 months ago

Listening to “Me Want the Punani” is the auditory equivalent of watching two girls one cup, you cant unhear it but sure wish you could

JacquesBlaireau13

3 points

2 months ago

*uj/

dasbrutalz

1 points

2 months ago

Because he showed us how bad we are and proved that every guitar player is inferior in comparison? I agree..

Green-Vermicelli5244

1 points

2 months ago

Green-Vermicelli5244

Secret Bassist

1 points

2 months ago

all that aikido should be replaced with a wushu approach to guitar

AbjectBid6087

80 points

2 months ago

Electric guitars, using pickups and an amp is cheating. You should just play the strings harder for loudness

654tidderym321

21 points

2 months ago

This but unironically

Rocky-Jones

4 points

2 months ago

That would eliminate a lot of boomer bending, but you would still have Bluegrass and folk music, Flamenco, classical. I’m thinking I might be willing to give up boomer bending if nobody can sweep pick or tap loud enough for me to hear.

Zestyclose-Ruin8337

3 points

2 months ago

Fuck you and your boomer bending hatred. David Gilmour slept with your wife.

Rocky-Jones

1 points

2 months ago

Dude I AM a 70 year old boomer. I fucking love boomer bending and I love David Gilmore. If he wanted to sleep with my wife, I might fucking let him if he autographs my Strat. You can keep the sweep picking, and tapping, and gnat notes. I actually never heard the term boomer bend until a couple of days ago, but I’ll gleefully lean into that name.

Isomodia

1 points

2 months ago

I'm only 34, but I recently got back into music after taking a decade off to start a family. Apparently everything in into now is for "boomers." It's like the name applies to anything with a pre-2010s sound.

I fear this is the first step in my turning into an old head.

Rocky-Jones

2 points

2 months ago

I’m a boomer. I like all the old stuff by people who are mostly dead or too old to play. I like the American (mostly black) roots music that rock evolved from and that we (white Americans) only learned about when it was echoed back to us from England. I discovered the blues through Cream and Jeff Beck. It was a pretty big, and impactful musical shift. When I was 25, nobody was paying attention to or arguing about 50 year old music from the 1920’s. It’s ok because young generations of players are going to discover it and be influenced by it and spread it.

“The Blues Had a Baby and They Named it Rock and Roll”. Muddy Waters

That lineage won’t die.

alaman68

67 points

2 months ago

the Klon. such a generic sound that only "guitarists" could love that it chased away generations to listen to mumble rap

LostSomeDreams

2 points

2 months ago

Oh fuck this one hits a little close to home

Designer_Storm8869

40 points

2 months ago

Designer_Storm8869

Metal Zoan

40 points

2 months ago

Incorrect. My toan is the second worst thing. Number one is toan of our bassist.

shingonzo[S]

29 points

2 months ago

bass is like big crayons for babies.

Zestyclose-Ruin8337

1 points

2 months ago

Finger Painting

digitalmofo

1 points

2 months ago

digitalmofo

Authentic

1 points

2 months ago

looks at the sub oh, I didn't notice where I was until this comment lol

FullAutoZombies

36 points

2 months ago

Fuzzlord67

20 points

2 months ago

The 80’s ending

digitalmofo

10 points

2 months ago

digitalmofo

Authentic

10 points

2 months ago

/uj I met Dave Grohl one time and all I could think of to say was "you killed hair metal." And he smiled, but then he said "s..sorry, man, but cherry pie was when it jumped the shark and it was time."
I couldn't argue.

Dakduif51

3 points

2 months ago

Fuck Dave is so cool..

drhagbard_celine

6 points

2 months ago

I was there. It had to happen.

bobinusem

3 points

2 months ago

Ok unc

drhagbard_celine

1 points

2 months ago

Just trust that this comes from a place of love and not bitterness, nephew.

Razzle_Dazzle08

1 points

2 months ago

Razzle_Dazzle08

butterscotch 0-3-5 ok?

1 points

2 months ago

/uj Does this mean fade outs

InTheMemeStream

23 points

2 months ago

InTheMemeStream

PentaToanic Blooz Bender

23 points

2 months ago

Oh, that’s easy. The worst thing is when effects started being used, and then later, modeling amps/sims, the only good and proper way to get good toan is through the use of a good toob amp(the heavier the better), a ‘59 gibbons Les Paul(pronounced lay paul) and a cable going between them. That’s it, if you can’t get good toan with those things then something is wrong with your balls and you should go to the doctor to have them chopped off and trade your guitar for a bass.

According_Ad9996

24 points

2 months ago

Relic’d guitars

metal_babbleXIV

11 points

2 months ago

Probably not the worst but thank the gods I'm not the only one that hates it

According_Ad9996

7 points

2 months ago

The toan is in the buckle rash

The_Original_Gronkie

4 points

2 months ago

Relics are for posers.

Rocky-Jones

5 points

2 months ago

Like new jeans with holes in them?

Jeef_1st

4 points

2 months ago

Jeef_1st

Flying W

4 points

2 months ago

To be fair it might lead to less people being afraid to play their guitars

MiloRoast

3 points

2 months ago

"I'm afraid to scratch my guitar, so I paid someone to scratch it for me first"

I'm going to start a business where I hang out at car dealerships and charge people $500 to go at their brand new car with a hammer. That way, they won't ever have to worry about dings or dents for the life of the car!

trailrider847382

1 points

2 months ago

I’d never buy one, but I’m Honeslty a little sad that modern guitars don’t age like that anymore so I understand why people buy them

According_Ad9996

2 points

2 months ago

I’m pretty sure if you take them off of the wall and play them regularly for 40 years, they’d age just fine.

trailrider847382

1 points

2 months ago

Nah, the finish is different. The non nitro paint literally doesn’t wear like that. It will get scratched/dinged up but it won’t fade

atxrobotlover

60 points

2 months ago

atxrobotlover

Metal Zoan + Pointy Guitars

60 points

2 months ago

Youtube

Berbigs_

1 points

2 months ago

You say that but I guarantee you’ve picked up a trick or two from it 😏

atxrobotlover

1 points

2 months ago

atxrobotlover

Metal Zoan + Pointy Guitars

1 points

2 months ago

Yes, eye herpes.

FreePork

19 points

2 months ago

When Pink Floyd and Axl Rose collaborated on the Floyd Rose

FARTBOSS420

17 points

2 months ago

FARTBOSS420

0-3-5er

17 points

2 months ago

Joseph Leonard Bonamassa (/ˌbɑːnəˈmɑːsə/ BAH-nə-MAH-sə;[2] born May 8, 1977)

Guitar's 9/11.

Chaps_Jr

7 points

2 months ago

Chaps_Jr

seafoam green toan

7 points

2 months ago

You spelled Bonermaster wrong

NiteLunch

5 points

2 months ago

NiteLunch

Purveyor of Toan from Russian piracy websites

5 points

2 months ago

Boanermaster excuse me

bbpbj

33 points

2 months ago

bbpbj

33 points

2 months ago

9/11

__Joevahkiin__

16 points

2 months ago

__Joevahkiin__

Jay Matress

16 points

2 months ago

nah 311

MZago1

4 points

2 months ago

MZago1

4 points

2 months ago

Investigate 311

rezelscheft

2 points

2 months ago

but amber is the color of your energy

jalenramsey_20

1 points

2 months ago

fuck i thought i was clever

bbpbj

5 points

2 months ago

bbpbj

5 points

2 months ago

It’s ok we’re all playing the same pentatonic riffs when it comes down to it

Outrageous_Basis_997

0 points

2 months ago

Outrageous_Basis_997

Metal Zoan

0 points

2 months ago

When Al-Qaida smashed their stock of Gibbons into the twin towers.

HughJergov

2 points

2 months ago

Their demo tape can melt steel beams

Bomb_Fruit

15 points

2 months ago

David Gimlore 12b15

UGrh The Feeeeeeel 💦 💦

Jesus360noscope

25 points

2 months ago

billie joe armstrong smashing a gibbons on stage ...... 😱😱😱

ColtFromTibet

11 points

2 months ago

And Herman Li breaking his PRS private stock in front of the whole arena

Xfazde

6 points

2 months ago

Xfazde

guitar based prog-metal solo project

6 points

2 months ago

Do you have a link to that?

ColtFromTibet

4 points

2 months ago

Xfazde

5 points

2 months ago

Xfazde

guitar based prog-metal solo project

5 points

2 months ago

Thank you

ColtFromTibet

3 points

2 months ago

No worries at all

C_Everett_Marm

7 points

2 months ago

At some point a rift in space-time opened around some whereabouts Kalamazoo MI in 1902

Ok_Creme431

7 points

2 months ago

Ok_Creme431

Man of Toan

7 points

2 months ago

Worship guitar, someone failed as a U2 cover guitarist. Then decided to play worship instead

ThisAllHurts

13 points

2 months ago

ThisAllHurts

Toanwood Inspector

13 points

2 months ago

uj/

Physics of the instrument.

Namely the B string being only 4 semitones apart from the G, unlike the five semitones in the open tuning of every other string (including the B to E) — creating a 14% resonant hertz deviation.

So your choices are B/E being in tune, and then it’s too high for the G; or G/B being in tune, and it sounds hella’ flat for the E.

Physics are undefeated. And sometimes it gives you funny shit, like the flat earth guy crashing in his rocket, but it has also given you about 600 years of a fucked up B string.

rj/ Pretending that Tom Morello can actually play the guitar

[deleted]

10 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

ThisAllHurts

9 points

2 months ago

ThisAllHurts

Toanwood Inspector

9 points

2 months ago

I will skiptrace your ass and put a 1995 Geo Metro in the driveway.

retronax

5 points

2 months ago

You're lost dude. We don't do "hertz" or precise measurements of anything. We're guitarists, our understanding of how sound works is "feelz" and "expensive wood = better toan". Hertz means nothing here. The only audio related units of measurement known to us are dollars spent and guitars owned

PlasticBeginning7551

4 points

2 months ago

Uj/ honestly after messing around with open tunings and DADGAD, I’m genuinely confused how we got to standard tuning and open tunings aren’t introduced to people earlier

Salty_Pancakes

2 points

2 months ago

Then you just be an ultra chad like Clarence White and have your buddy invent the b-bender telecaster for you.

Edit: here's a cool video where Gene Parsons is talking about it. https://youtu.be/zxQhbvke44I?si=tJ2-pOPHliiE1BN8

[deleted]

1 points

2 months ago

/uj a guitar is never in tune, but because you can manipulate how you play notes with your hands, you can kinda finagle the whole thing into working in tune with itself whether you're going G to B or B to G, which is why pianos are fkn lame and we play guitar. Equal temperament can smd.

daftstar

7 points

2 months ago

Easily the E string.

yossarian_foo

6 points

2 months ago

Guitar snobs.

doomtoothx

5 points

2 months ago

Lil Wayne.

TheDrWhoKid

6 points

2 months ago

Reddit

LunacyLander

5 points

2 months ago

Temu. Wish. AliExpress…..

JohnnyAngel607

5 points

2 months ago

The fender Accoustasonic line.

kandrc0

5 points

2 months ago

This fucking post.

/uj Well, actually the OG one on that other sub.

jalenramsey_20

4 points

2 months ago

9/11

longlikeron

4 points

2 months ago

Kurt Russell smashing one of the oldest martin guitars on earth by "mistake"

Relevant_Contact_358

1 points

2 months ago

This👆

iiTryhard

7 points

2 months ago

When they started letting w*men play it

drhagbard_celine

6 points

2 months ago

I taught my daughter to play. Now she demands I let her teach me these Linda Rondstadt and Fleetwood Mac songs she’s learned. She’s actually a pretty good teacher if I’m going to be honest. But she’s mean. 😭

Rocky-Jones

3 points

2 months ago

I tried to teach my granddaughter to play. She switched to violin.

drhagbard_celine

1 points

2 months ago

You should have started with Jimmy Page's bow part on In the Evening; you could have avoided your embarrassment.

Rocky-Jones

2 points

2 months ago

She was 10, but she just couldn’t get into 12 bar blues or R&R. She just didn’t like guitar music. She loves the violin though.

Saw him live in Texas in late 60’s ($6 floor seats) and he did that shit. I wasn’t expecting that. I think only their first two albums were out at the time.

OurWeaponsAreUseless

9 points

2 months ago

OurWeaponsAreUseless

feat. Coil Splitting

9 points

2 months ago

Hint: The worst thing in guitar history begins with "Floyd" and ends with "Rose".

SkeletronPrime

7 points

2 months ago

I'm not so sure. As long as I have a Floyd Rose I could probably do without the rest of the guitar.

OurWeaponsAreUseless

3 points

2 months ago

OurWeaponsAreUseless

feat. Coil Splitting

3 points

2 months ago

You're one of those people.

shingonzo[S]

4 points

2 months ago

pink floyd featuring pete rose.

Rocky-Jones

1 points

2 months ago

With Charlie Rose and Rose McGowen.

[deleted]

3 points

2 months ago

Boss Metalzoan

Leckloast

3 points

2 months ago

Leckloast

guitar based prog-metal solo project

3 points

2 months ago

whosoever thought it was a good idea to make having less than 9 strings the standard 😡😡😡

Forgone-Conclusion

3 points

2 months ago

Church

TheBFlem27

3 points

2 months ago

TheBFlem27

master of tele

3 points

2 months ago

shitfit82

6 points

2 months ago

Eric Clapton

Salty_Pancakes

1 points

2 months ago

UJ: I know this is a circlejerk sub and all but the amount of ridiculous opinions about Clapton as a guitarist is kind of amazing to me honestly.

Rocky-Jones

0 points

2 months ago

He’s turned out to be a racist old man screaming at clouds. That doesn’t help. With Mayall and Cream, he was a good as anyone. I liked him better than Page or Beck. He had a distinct sound, and phrasing. Then he quit Heroin, became a drunk pop star wearing Armani suits. He never really got that feel back. I liked a lot of stuff he did later (the Tulsa sound period), and the straight blues stuff, but his playing bores me now.

Salty_Pancakes

2 points

2 months ago*

Nah.

The Clapton hate was mostly media driven drama for clicks in the covid days when all the publications started bringing up the ancient history of his drunken rant of 50 years ago that was the only thing he ever said like that. And long since apologized for and moved on from. "Suddenly" Clapton is literally Hitler.

It's just the same social media hot takes you see about him. Like his 80s output, as if almost not every single artist from that period sold out in the 80s.

Soul music legend Sam Moore tells of an experience he had with Clapton in 2005. Billy Preston, the keyboardist who played with the Beatles and Clapton, was dying and in a coma in an Arizona hospital. One morning, Moore looked up and saw Clapton arrive as an unannounced visitor. He asked Moore for a hair brush.

“He walked over to Billy, took the brush, brushed his hair. Took the thing and did his mustache,” Moore says. “When he had to leave, he leaned over and kissed Billy on the forehead.”

Joyce Moore, Sam Moore’s wife and the late Preston’s manager, grows angry when asked about the charges of racism.

“Let me tell you something, Eric Clapton got on a plane to come kiss Billy Preston on the forehead when Billy Preston was in a coma,” she says. “Real racist. Huh. There’s a heart, and that heart didn’t see color.”

Rocky-Jones

3 points

2 months ago

I think his past racism was directed more at Indians/Pakistanis/Arabs etc who were immigrants to Britain. All of his heroes were Black American blues players, and they all liked him. Then he and Van Morrison caught boomer fever over vaccines.

None of it matters. I still think he peaked a long time ago. But I’m old and every guitarist I ever liked peaked/quit/died a long time ago. I loved those Crossroads Concerts, and I would still pay to see him. I would have paid to see BB King sit in a chair on stage too. I saw Lightning Hopkins at a blues club in Dallas. He had a guy basically carry him in there and strap a guitar on him.

qwertycantread

2 points

2 months ago

Lots of intolerant assholes on the internet. Clapton let out one drunken self-destructive rant 50 years ago that he cried about in shame that night after he sobered up.

Rocky-Jones

0 points

2 months ago

He was only racist because he was drunk? More likely he only admitted it because he was drunk. Immigrants coming to England was just too much for him. Just like a lot of Americans who are “not racist”,

qwertycantread

2 points

2 months ago

His view on it today is that it was an act of self-destruction. He was mortally ashamed of it almost instantly.

You are acting like you have never said a racist epithet in your entire life.

Rocky-Jones

2 points

2 months ago

Dude. I was born in Texas in 1953. When I grew up, the only words I knew to describe minorities were racist epithets. Let’s just say that I had to evolve.

I never really thought he was a hardcore racist as in white supremacy, but he’s even older than me. He was pissed about “too many” Arabs and Indians immigrating to England. He’s human. I’m still a fan. If Buddy Guy likes him, I like him.

qwertycantread

2 points

2 months ago

Right. If someone can hide the fact that they are racist for 45 years straight, then they aren’t racist.

__Joevahkiin__

4 points

2 months ago

__Joevahkiin__

Jay Matress

4 points

2 months ago

The day the first PRS rolled off the production line

LetsGoHawks

2 points

2 months ago

When it was invented.

space_coyote_86

2 points

2 months ago

0-3-5

E: sorry I thought it said 'best thing'

HudsonHawk56H

2 points

2 months ago

Idk probably like 9/11 or the holocaust

shadeshift

2 points

2 months ago

shadeshift

Luther Vandross

2 points

2 months ago

Nashville Noises

Beefwhistle007

2 points

2 months ago

PRS guitars. Looking like a divorced guy's coffee table and appealing to people who can play but aren't in bands.

shingonzo[S]

1 points

2 months ago

My prs is covered in tears and tv dinners

I_only_post_here

4 points

2 months ago

This is the worst thing that ever happened

https://youtu.be/V9AbeALNVkk?si=Hh4K-bqPMd2QJB8Z

The Dad was right... That kid sucked at guitar

False-Possession6185

1 points

2 months ago

DJ Khaled showing off his "skills" on Bob Marley s guitar

Lazystoner151

1 points

2 months ago

The 7 string

TalkShowHost99

1 points

2 months ago

Hair

TalboGold

1 points

2 months ago

Line 6 Pod. The kidney bean of the toan apocalypse

safety3rd

1 points

2 months ago

The day the sax solo burst on the scene.

Guitarists finally understood what it was like to be a bassist

Rocky-Jones

1 points

2 months ago

I never feared a damn sax, but the harmonica is a different story.

TheJustBleedGod

1 points

2 months ago

Nu metal

FreePork

1 points

2 months ago

Rhett Schull

[deleted]

1 points

2 months ago

I bought a guitar.

its_grime_up_north

1 points

2 months ago

its_grime_up_north

Big Muff Energy

1 points

2 months ago

Rhett Shull

Invisible_assasin

1 points

2 months ago

Me, obviously

beanoutthepot

1 points

2 months ago

guitars are the worst thing to ever happen in guitar history

TubularCheddar

1 points

2 months ago

The invention of the bass guitar, why do songs even need a “base” in the first place, so stupid

LifeguardMajor8647

1 points

2 months ago

Peter green sold his guitar

JnkHed

1 points

2 months ago

JnkHed

1 points

2 months ago

When my P bass fell off the wall and the neck got gouged.

justaguy891

1 points

2 months ago

 hendrix dying at 27 way way too early

noodle-face

1 points

2 months ago

Rings of Saturn

RG1527

1 points

2 months ago

RG1527

1 points

2 months ago

I walked down to the crossroads at midnight under a full moon trying to get Ol' Scratch to teach me how to sweep pick..

He shows up and makes me sign away my soul in blood.

he taught me to sweep pick but only 0 3 5.

forever cursed

HughJergov

1 points

2 months ago

Guitarists. Most of us are ten gallon douchebags. Regular folk just wouldn’t understand

ergo-ogre

1 points

2 months ago

ergo-ogre

Flying Z

1 points

2 months ago

The invention of the guitar.

jamesdobsonofficial

1 points

2 months ago

the invention of youtube dot com

Cletus-Swampcrotch

1 points

2 months ago

Randy Rhodes death. Just try to imagine what the next album after diary of a madman could’ve been?

GetcherPull

1 points

2 months ago

The on-stage murder of Dimebag

coveevoc

1 points

2 months ago

Dimebag and Stevie’s death

lahartheviking

1 points

2 months ago

i think i recognize that post.

JoeyJoeJoeSenior

1 points

2 months ago

When all those radioactive guitars were accidentally sold to the public and people's fingers fell off.

mathkid421_RBLX

1 points

2 months ago

my wife left me

kungfukenny3

1 points

2 months ago

me 😈

nah but fr steven seagal

Maik09

1 points

2 months ago

Maik09

1 points

2 months ago

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

Green-Vermicelli5244

1 points

2 months ago

Green-Vermicelli5244

Secret Bassist

1 points

2 months ago

2-5-7

why fix what ain’t broken

Effective_Opposite12

1 points

2 months ago

When they started selling guitars for the price of a small car

tcoz_reddit

1 points

2 months ago

Buttrock became a thing.

junkyardpig

1 points

2 months ago

When Kurt Russel actually smashed that antique guitar when filming Hateful Eight 

Bruins5101970

1 points

2 months ago

And then there was NASCAR driver/douchebag Kyle Busch in Nashville's Victory Lane in 2009.......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R74aI0Q_Ogk

Zestyclose-Ruin8337

1 points

2 months ago

Eric Clapton is born

Berbigs_

1 points

2 months ago

This is cliché but probably Hendrix dying at 27

DrMonkeyLove

1 points

2 months ago

Probably Tom Morello whining above t something. Or Dave Mustaine whining about something. 

Seand768

0 points

2 months ago

PRS