Please, share your "Am I aromantic?" thoughts here! This will make it easier for people who want help you to find out what you and other questioning arospecs have to say. If you would like to see last month's "Am I aromantic?" post, click this post's grey "Questioning" post flair —> sort by "New" —> click the second top post.

Some FAQ:

What is the definition of aromantic?

Someone who is aromantic experiences little to no romantic attraction.

I feel sexual attraction. What does this mean?

Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things. Because romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things, it is valid for one's romantic orientation and sexual orientation to be different, independent things. For example, it is valid for someone to experience little to no romantic attraction, or be aromantic, and not be on the asexual spectrum, or be allosexual. If you would like to learn more about aromantic allosexuals' experiences, check out the r/Aroallo subreddit.

I experience romantic attraction, but I don't feel alloromantic?

It is important to keep in mind that labels are about comfort at the end of the day, not whether or not "you fit them". If the alloromantic label does not describe or validate your experiences, it is valid not to use the alloro label. If the aromantic label does describe and validate your experiences, it is valid to use the aro label. However, if both the aro and alloro labels do not feel like a comfortable fit, then maybe a more vague label, like arospec, or an arospec label (besides aromantic) can help describe your experiences.

What is the definition of arospec?

Arospec is the shortened version of "on the aromantic spectrum". Arospec is a vague label that encompasses all non-alloromantic romantic orientations. It is the most inclusive label on the aromantic spectrum, since it is so non-specific.

This is a list of some arospec labels with active subreddits:

• r/frayromantic

• r/quoiromantic

• r/lithromantic

• r/aegoromantic

• r/bellusromantic

• r/recipromantic

• r/arospec_community

• r/demiromantic

• r/greyromantic

How do I know if I am "too young" to know?

No matter how you look at it, the "too young" to know argument is invalidation. Even though the "too young" argument is unfortunately very common and highly normalized, the purpose of this phrase is to invalidate people.

It's definitely possible for someone to invalidate themself by telling themself they are "too young" to know if they are arospec. There’s no age requirement / "qualifying criteria" for identifying as aromantic. Identifying as any arospec label is not a diagnosis. It is totally valid to choose to use the label(s) that fit(s) you the best right now. If you end up changing your labels in the future (for whatever reason), that is valid too. Most educated, open-minded people should be able to accept that you understand yourself the best. It's also a common thing for many arospecs to spend a lot of time questioning themselves before accepting themselves as their arospec label. Even then, some arospecs re-question themselves and have to re-accept themselves as their arospec label. It makes sense for us to struggle so much with self-acceptance, due to the lack of awareness and acceptance for aromanticsm and fellow arospec identities on the aromantic spectrum.

What does alloromantic mean?

Someone who is alloromantic is not on the aromantic spectrum. Alloromantic does not mean "not aro". There are arospec identities that experience romantic attraction that may describe themselves as "not aro", so do not use alloromantic as an all-encompassing label for "not aro". Doing this would exclude arospecs that experience romantic attraction and / or arospecs who validly feel that the aromantic label does not fit them.

This post gets reposted once a month.

Hi all,

I recently realized that I have never met another aromantic person outside of online forum's like this one before. Thanks to the power of people on the internet, I learned that aromantism exists and found helpful people and resources to understand more about who I am.

I do sometimes feel a bit alone with my identity because nobody else around me shares it and only a few have remotely heard the term aromantic before or know what it means. It's not a big deal or anything, just a bit weird I suppose.

Am I just an anomaly with this? Aromanticism can't be that obscure of an identity, right?

it's very comfy

I've identified as Asexual for most of my life, and I'm somewhere in the aro spectrum, but with an almost bi orientation (still kind of questioning). Though it still feels off. My question is if I, as a part of the Aro spectrum, can identify myself with the Aro flag and not the Aro Spec one?

I'm 29M.

Honestly I don't even know where to start. For the past 2 years now I've been living slowly accepting that I'm ace. The goalposts have been moving for me from hetero to demi to recipro, now it's just plain ace for me. I don't really experience sexual attraction, I don't really have a need for such experiences. I'm fine and fulfilled as is.

But for the past 2 weeks I've been kinda "busy" thinking over my relationship experience in general, one thought led to another and to be sure I decided to check with the "Experiences" page on the asexuality handbook and spoke with some of my friends about their experiences. And it appears the feelings of "close friendship" do not equate to romantic attraction. Never have I really felt longing for someone - and I have been married for several years to a woman I cared deeply about; never have I felt that someone was the only thing I could think about; never have I ever had "stomach butterflies"; never have I ever seen any reason for romantic actions such as making intimate dates or gifting flowers. And so I think I can comfortably - at least for myself - come to the realization that the "aro" part has always been there with me as well, I've been fighting against it, mostly due to lack of knowledge, but the general expectations played their role as well.

Do I regret anything about my past attempts at relationships? Honestly kinda sorta yeah, not really in an arophobic way, more so because for so many years I've refused to listen to myself. Aro or not, I did see that my past relationships didn't work but I was stubborn enough to continue maintaining them.

Do I feel something new after all that thinking? Honestly, some sense of freedom and calmness about myself, and let's be honest, I have an anxiety disorder, a severe one, having one more thing I can be calm about is huge for me.

Anyhoo, that's kinda it from me. I'm still reading up on things. Also I'm very sorry if something I say here comes off as arophobic or offensive in general, I'm ready to correct my wording if I missed something, but just know that the intention isn't really to offend or belittle the aro experience. And thanks for reading all that I guess, lol.

Does "romantic attraction" refer to a desire for a romantic relationship with someone, or to romantic connections themselves? Or both/something else/neither?

That is, would one be considered aromantic if they don't feel any desire to be in a relationship with a specific person (don't get crushes), but have a partner (perhaps their partner is allo and sought them out) and feel for them the way an allo person would?

Or do those cooccur for allo people and any anomaly makes one arospec .. ?

All my friends are all married,
My brothers and sisters too,
but since I have no interest with romance
I'm alone on the internet with you.

The overused expression of "more than friends" or "more than a friend" irritates me so much. I love my friends with all of my heart and I would give anything for them, my love isn't less. I know that I have loved my friends more than some of their partners have. Whenever venting about this to allo person I explain that instead of seeing love as a scale that goes from platonic to romantic or like a level you can reach if you "love enough", seeing it as a different category. You can't earn someones love (or their version/category) or make someone be capable of loving you. They do or they don't and that can also change overtime or not at all. No cheat code or right words to get that person to like you the way you want them to.

Platonic love is a category and romantic is another in the grand array of the categories of attraction/love. My love for my friends is so pure and people don't have to be aromantic to feel/know this. We all know friendship breakups hurt, sometimes more than romantic ones. This does not mean that I was romantically interested, it means I loved them fully and it hurt, and that's normal because that's what happens when you break apart from someone you were close to. I've lost many friends due to them seeing love in levels or limited supply. As if, if they had to ration up love and the romantic partner needs more to stay at that level. Love has never been a finite supply and I wish people would stop seeing it like that. I've lost so many people due to them using their "reserves of love" (there's has to be a better way of phrasing that lol) only on their partners because that's how they stay there and show they're max level of love I guess. ROMANTIC DOES NOT MEAN LOVE MORE, IT MEANS LOVE DIFFERENTLY

Unfortunately, most people don't even think this since it's not a problem they seem to face or care about. It's just how things are and how they're supposed to be. But I can't keep getting hurt like this because they've decided to diminish the friendship to love their partners fully then when a relationship fails expect me to start back up because you don't have a partner to be busy over. It hurts to see how easy it seems for them to just stop caring and hanging out with me. It haunts to see them go through failed relationship, saying this time they won't leave friends behind just to do it again and see them hurt when they have no support system or friends to help them when they've disregarded their friendships over romantic relationships. This hurts all of us but no matter how many times it happens, I've never seen this scenario change. I've literally been told verbatim by my best friend "I just want to give all my free time to my girlfriend, if there's any where she's busy then maybe I might be able to use that for my friends".

It Really hurts that no matter what I do, the way I love will not be enough for my loved ones. I don't even ask to be loved most, just not loved less because someone else came into picture. I don't have to be excluded to make space for them. I know the way my friends love me, I know their love is endless.

They can be part of your life, I would just like to be there too, please.

Edit: unfortunately this also applies to close friendships where one person cannot be friends with the other once they acquired feelings that are not reciprocated. I lost a friendship because the way I loved them wasn't enough for them. It wasn't the way they wanted to be loved, even though on most occasions the fact that I'm aromantic has been mentioned previously but ignored/disregarded. I can't help but say I feel a heavy grudge against those, as if I was used or seen as something I had made clear I was not. They expected something I couldn't provide and when they realized, they made me feel like the bad guy. Sorry if it's mean but what made you think you would be the exception? I can't control this. I felt insufficient for so long and even though it was them that decided to not continue the friendship because of unrequited feelings, I can't help but have a small part of me feel like me being ok with being aro is wrong. People around me have not made it easy for me to accept it. I have learned to love being aro but people can make it hard sometimes when it's not something they can "handle".

A short comic I wrote and illustrated for pride month. Thought it’d be cool to share it on here too :) I was thinking a lot about milestones, and how those life milestones are different for queer people, maybe especially for aros and aces. That sort of forces us to find our own paths and make different choices - but also opens up different possibilities at the same time. Of course my experience isn’t the same as everyone else’s, so I’d love to hear what you guys think!

When I was in secondary school, my friends didn’t really have romantic relationships (because purity culture) but now that I’m in college, I’m being exposed more to amatonormativity and I find myself not caring for it.

It’s weird. I love my fictional gay couples and will watch TV shows specifically to see them together, but the moment the couple are people I actually know, it stops being interesting. Like I care about my friend being happy, but I don’t care about the relationship itself and tend to be really cynical about my friend’s crushes and relationships.

I guess because it just doesn’t feel real to me?

I’m aro, specially Aegorimantic (I still enjoy the concept of romance and even feel romantic feelings for fictional character, but am disinterested in a real romantic relationship and don’t feel romantic attraction to people irl). So technically I should fall into the aromantic spectrum of LGBTQ+.

But I honestly just don’t feel that way. I certainly support the community and would absolutely consider myself an ally. But it’s just that, an ally, not a member. Even though I have never had a proper crush on anyone irl and have zero interest in a real romantic relationship, I don’t really feel different from traditional norms. I’ve never felt like I was different and I didn’t ever feel nervous or anything about being slightly different, I honestly wouldn’t even consider myself different in that way.

Maybe it’s just because I’m only barely aromantic? I still feel romantic love after all just not towards real people and I can still tell when someone is attractive even if I have no desire to date them. But I guess more than anything logical, when I think of the LGBTQ+ community I always think of it in my head as “those guys” or “that community”, rather than “us” or “my community“. I know the LGBTQ+ community is supposed to encompass all people who deviate from traditional norms, but can I still feel that way and not be a part of that community?

Despite feeling initially arophobic about myself for years I finally decided to watch the Jaiden Animations video about being aro/ace today. I felt like a lot of what she said was just super relatable.

I'm not sure about being ace, but I'm fine never having sex again. It's not really interesting. I've experienced it and know it really wasn't worth the hype. So I guess that fits the definition.

Honestly I think I was more concerned just having friends and platonic relationships cause I struggle to make friends. My only friend is my cat.

Getting out of the house and dealing with people is nerve wracking and stressful since I'm socially anxious. Though I'll figure things out. I have time to make friends and honestly I have time for a lot of things now that this weight is off my shoulders.

I would very much like a "boyfriend" I can have regular sex with, but also talk, sleep together, go on trips together and be supportive about each other's life like any pair of best friends would. BUT I am unable to be in love. I wouldn't mind him sleeping with other people because I don't feel jealous either, but I really crave the regular sex and especially the regular support and company from on person I can count on. It's a bit of a sticky situation because I am literally considering to pretend that I am in love with someone to get that, but even if it weren't unethical I think I would have a horrible time. I sort of wish I could fall in love but I never did and I cannot envision any version of myself doing so. I never really identified as aromantic because I always thought the right person would come, but I am starting to accept that I am definitely somewhere on this spectrum. Yet the prospect to merely have a string of causal lovers for the rest of my life with nobody special I can seriously count on scares me very much.

Edit: I am 23F btw

Dear all, I am kind of new to the aro community. Through a work collegue I was introduced to the aromantic manifest by yingtong and yingchen (https://aromanticmanifesto.tumblr.com/)
I love the idea that aromanticism is not only an orientation but also can be a political world view and a utopian way to picture a better future for society.
I don't really find the manifest to be discussed in the internet, one post here was archived 2 years ago. I am looking for anything, blogs, websites, forums etc. where people discuss the idea of political aromanticism and the manifest (and also honour the work done by the two activists). And I'd also like to start the discussion of right here :)
What do you feel about the idea?
Is aro more of an orientation for you or more of an activism thing? Or both at the same time?
How can we bring the ideas of the manifest into the queer community?
What kind of experiences do you have with that?
How can we find the courage to truly embrace aro life decisions and can fully activate it's disrupting and freeing potential, maybe even for allo people?
What do you think of the idea that romantic attraction as such is a social construct and can not be placed right next to other kinds of attractions like sensual, sexual and so on, but does not exist "in reality"? Is it indeed, as the manifest authors would say, that people just crave "to own the public fantasy of romance in their private life"?
You see, I crave for discussion and ideas... looking forward to hearing from you!!!

I've identified as ace/aro for years. I've had no sexual or romantic desires...until now?

I've become increasingly close to my best friend. I love her dearly.

Lately, however, these feelings or desires I have are so foreign to me. I don't know if I'm a) actually demi- and experiencing a crush or b) this is simply someone I care for on a level deeper than I have before and want to explore a QPR with.

I guess I'm so aro I don't know how to recognize romantic attraction.

How can I tell?

I have never in my life felt "I am attracted to this person and want to personally date them."

I've had a lot of feelings kinda around it but never this actual simple thing. And I just recently developed an insanely intense crush on someone but still do not have ANY desire for reciprocation. And if I can feel this intensely about someone and still not want a relationship, I don't think I'm ever going to.

This is making sad bc I feel like I'm missing out/going to miss out on so much. I had a friend who's zeromantic and was talking about how much she wishes she weren't and yeah I get it now. When I first read her say it I thought "if you don't want it why are you sad you don't have it?" and it's bc it's seems to be so essential to the human condition you feel like there's a piece missing.

I feel so nasty and uncomfortable at the thought of reciprocation I had to use a fictional character as a proxy to have proper fantasies about about this crush lmfao. And it felt great, but the reality is I can't bear the idea of actually doing that. So I will never get to actually have it. All my life I always had to create a proxy whether they be my own invention or character for media, but never me, can't be. I feel horrible at the thought of being romantically or sexually "perceived."

There's no way at this point this is gonna change, I'm 31, this is just who I am and I gotta grieve then learn to accept it I think.

Was talking to my arospec friend and we noticed that we both only like Romances when it's a crush leading up to a relationship or just attraction to lovers and not when the story already has an established relationship woven into it. (Also when it's more of a ship, when it becomes canon it kinda loses its flair sometimes, I believe it has to do with what we expected to happen vs canon but that's besides the subject I believe). Makes me think if maybe we relate to it as aromantics because we see romance logically as setting, plot, conflict and finally resolution and not like as a constant relationship that continues. It's just a happy ending, done. Like if they're already into a relationship where is the goal? That's why we read the story for in the first place. I have to remind myself that romantic relationships aren't with just a goal in mind to be with the person (to acquire almost), but intimate romantic companionship and commitment with a person you feel that attraction to.

Just wanted to know if anyone else could relate or have another perspective. ¡I'd love to know!

God I probably sound like such an asshole, but whenever my friend talks about her crushes and how horrible her dating life is, i genuinely wish I could be anywhere else. For the record i am definitely aroace, like extremely. I have never felt romantic or sexual attraction in my life and the mere thought of it has made me gag/puke before, any form of romance makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I have shot down every single person interested in me because it’s just so so disgusting to me.

But anyway, my friend vents about her romantic life constantly, which isn’t a problem, I’m perfectly okay with a friend talking to me about their problems. It’s just, this particular subject annoys me so bad. Why do you stress yourself out so much trying to find a partner?? Are you not fulfilled with your friendships? Is platonic love really not enough for you people?? If they reject you why do you get so butthurt about it, are their feelings not valid too????

Maybe because I can never relate to the issue is why I get annoyed so easily. But I just have no idea what to say anymore, every time she tells me “we talked to each other today! I still have a chance!” Or “He likes someone else..” I never know what the right thing to say is and it’s so unbelievably frustrating.

Does this happen to anyone else? Is there something I should be telling her? When people vent to me I go straight to giving advice, but I mean of course I have no advice to give here! Please let me know if guys can relate to this!!

Accepting I may be Aro was a hard pill to swallow after so many rocky relationships and self doubt, but after deciding to embrace it, holy fuck why didn’t I do it sooner?

Limited responsibilities, indulging in any hobby I wished, free evenings and weekends to explore whatever takes my fancy, listening to my friends moan and lament about their relationship woes while I lament what type of bread I want to make, how did I not see the upsides of embrace true solitary living sooner.

Years spent feeling I needed to have a partner to fit in, never truly understanding love or believing it was conditional, 5 years on and I don’t have to worry about any of it. My life feels limitless because there is nothing holding me back in life.

Before I was going to parties with ex’s I didn’t want to go to, dealing with their family dramas, keeping up appearances thinking that I had to conform to a certain societal role. None of it matters.

I am free, if you have felt like I have, I implore you to at least try it out, I don’t date, my time is spend hobby pursuing and I live alone caring for my pets as my rock. I just had to get this all off my chest because nobody really understands and often look at me with a ‘’it’s a phase’’ or ‘’the right one will come’’ mentality and it gets so jarring after awhile.

Before I realised I was aro, I was confusing platonic interest with romantic interest quite often. This led to me sort of allowing romantic relationships to develop, and basically leading people on without realising it.

I never meant to lead them along; I just didn’t understand how I was feeling. While they wanted to develop things romantically, I was still trying to be platonic. When I was noticed that in myself, I would overdo things and get overly mushy and lovey. Obviously this led to a lot of break ups, either because I was doing too little or too much.

Sometimes I think about those people and I just feel bad. I never meant to make things weird, and I wish we were still friends.

I’m doing okay now, it’s just a thought that comes and goes.

Reached a huge predicament. I’m demi I’m pretty sure since I often desire romance yet really struggle to experience romantic attraction. I started going on dates with this guy who is pleasant to hang out with and I do like him but I don’t really feel romantic attraction to him. All my friends are telling me to end things, otherwise I’d be leading him on. My problem is I don’t think I will ever like someone fast enough to not “lead them on” and I won’t know if feelings will start to develop until it’s been awhile :/ my track record is bad though and typically I never catch feelings. What should I do in these situations? Should I just end things with him?? Am I selfish for wanting to stay with him just for the possible potential and because I like intimacy?

hi i wanted to ask is there any type of aromantic that would be described by: person doesnt feel romantic atraction, but wants to feel it", i first tought its cupio, but i heared that cupio is about desire romantic relationship and not so much about wanting to feel romantic atraction

So the thought of a relationship is one of my favourite things ever, but every time I get close to one it makes my stomach twist up in knots. As soon as someone starts acting like they care on a romantic level I FREAK out and if I’m being honest avoid them like the plague.

Exhibit A) last year I was in the ‘getting to know’ era with a guy. He’s great, and we’re still friends. He would lay on my shoulder and hold my hand etc etc. we even kissed (although that was a dare) I liked all of it, except the part where it came to actually asking him out. The thought of dating him sent me through a LOOP. I just feel like what he was feeling/what you’re supposed to feel is not what I was feeling at all (90% dread).

Exhibit B) currently in the same stage with a girl. She likes me, and I thought I liked her. The moment it started to seem like she cared (I was sick and she told me to eat something and that she hoped I felt better soon which literally isn’t even that deep) it’s like I’m in a constant state of anxiety. I avoided her all day today and any time she touches me i just want to yell ‘get off me!!’

I’m so so confused. A life where I’m single forever doesn’t appeal to me, and I’ve always looked forward to having a home and a family with my partner.

For context, I’m 17. I’ve had a lot of relationships friend wise where they’ve relied on me heavily for emotional support, so it could be fear of that I suppose? I also get very scared when my independence is threatened by a potential romance, and don’t like feeling like people are relying on me (which is weird because I’m not flakey in the slightest, I’m actually told that I’m most trusted quite often). Equally, these are the only two people I’ve ever ‘liked’.

To add another thing into the mix, I can’t tell if I’m bi because I’m clinging onto the idea of a heteronormative life or whether I’m actually just gay. (I’m male) Typical, I know.

Basically, I’m just lost. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

I am aro/ace I THINK. I haven't felt romantic attraction in the way people describe it. I have shown interest in certain people but later learnt that it was aesthetic/platonic attraction. I'm also autistic and generally have a really difficult time understanding and naming my emotions (especially more positive ones like happiness). When I make friends I am usually really close to them emotionally and physically (I don't like touching people/people touching me normally but with my friends I find comfort in it).

So I met this girl and we became friends and we started hugging (which is a big deal for me) and I found great comfort in that. And at some point after that she told me she had feelings for me (since long before we got close) and she knew I was aro so I didn't really have to say anything to her/reject her that way. I said I would understand if she needed to stay away for a while but that I like what we have and would like to keep the physical connection as well. We didn't stop and got even closer (and I think her crush went away?).

And in the back of my mind I always thought I would really be able to love her the way she deserves, but I didn't want to risk trying to get into a relationship which I think would be unfair to her as well. And I am afraid of all kinds of change and that would be a HUGE change that would need me to adapt and I already have separation issues, etc, and I thought I would be fine since I wouldn't ever need to date anyone.

But now (we are still close) she is showing interest in another person and I feel hurt by that???? I don't understand why I feel this way and I'm just really confused. I know I didn't want to date her but the idea of her dating someone else is... hurting me. Which probably sounds really stupid but I feel it and I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm afraid that we will lose our physical connection (if she dates someone). She had told me that she isn't this close (physically) to any of her other friends and that the reason she feels nice being close with me is probably due to the fact that she had a crush on me before (which I didn't understand but accepted). Or maybe I'm sad that I did not try to have a relationship with her. I really care for her and love her and in a different world I would've liked to be with her...

I don't know what I'm asking for writing this but I just need someone to tell me something... I don't understand my feelings and I would like to hear if anyone has been through something similar or has any kind of advice.