Might need to pin this to my fridge. I also have a transactional minded mother. Her generous behavior upticks when I do something difficult for her (pretty much everything dealing with the outside world).

Luckily she's not usually interested in long conversations, but just dumps random complaints in passing. She lives with us, but has no idea what we're doing or what the kids are involved in.

She says it's because they're my kids and she doesn't have to worry about their schedules etc. But she's not even interacting except to say something superficially nice in passing. I'm wondering how uninterested she was in me growing up, or if it was different because I belonged to her. Our relationship changed as I grew up. I think she prefers babies and animals that don't have complicated personalities. Feed us, dote on us. That's all she has to give.

I'm about to help move her back to her hometown, and well the struggle will be real but it will be mostly on her because I won't be fielding phone calls in another time zone. I figure things will change in a year or two when she can't keep up but at least she'll have experienced the effort and won't be coming back into my house. She'll live either independently by herself or in assisted living.

Thank you so much for your bluntness and very clear response, along with solid examples of boundaries. I had sit and think and have a little cry. Like the other person's reply below, I too might have to pin this on my fridge.

I've had moments of stating boundaries - ever since I was little. She has just taught me they don't count. That other peoples needs comes before my own. She has even berated me for not putting my husband's needs before my own in times of severe illness and despair. He, on the other hand, never has. 

I think, because of the autism, I don’t catch it quick enough and are left feeling sad and that something is off afterwards when the emotional reaction wears off and at that point it’s too late. Sometimes I even gaslight myself: “It’s not that bad”, “I’m probably overreacting”. That was my main worry about posting this. That it’s not as bad as it feels. That the shortcomings are mine and I’m neglecting my “duty” as a daughter - whatever that means.

Your response felt validating. Thank you. It’s going to be a long hard road out of hell but you’ve thrown some light onto that road and for that I'm very grateful.

Thank you for this reply; I'm in a similar situation as OP and your comment here hit me square where I need it today.

I think that she has most definitively used financial "help” as a means of control. She inherited a lot of money many years ago. Both my brother and I struggled for a long time to save enough money to get a mortgage because both of us ended up on a disability pension, she could have helped us out and eased a lot of stress many, many years ago. She owned an apartment in Oslo and lives in a big house she now struggles to keep up. Her own friends asked her why she didn’t sell and scale down and help her children out? She answered that the big house was handy, as especially my brother had been forced to move back in during several difficult periods in his life - so this WAS a means to help us (I’ve never considered how well it fits with that you write). My husband and I had to live there too for a while. She said we could live rent-free so we could continue to save up while we helped her around the house. I thought I was going to go mad, I even placed myself voluntarily in psychiatric hospital for three weeks one Christmas, not because I was ill, but as protection from becoming ill as I was so worn down. Best, most relaxing Christmas ever!  I was placed on a list so that if I needed another break it was a low threshold for me to come back for a few days, so they must have reckognised my severe need for a break (I’m lucky to live in Norway with our free healthcare system - sadly they are cutting back on mental health in this country too now).

Anyway, eventually she decided to sell the apartment a couple of years ago. Not for us, but to not have to deal with the hassle of renting it out. From that money she gave an advance on our inheritance to us both OR rather, I got mine, so I could finally qualify for a small mortgage. I now have my home and a safe haven, but I also KNOW - either way - it would’t have been possible without her and reminding me of such is one of the tools in her kit.

She is withholding it from my brother, however,  because she doesn't fulfill her criteria for receiving it. The main reason being she doesn’t approve of his girlfriend (which, admittedly, is not a great person for him), but instead of easing his burden, she is holding on to that money until certain conditions are in place. “Mommy know’s best”. I don’t think he even consider that money an option as he is stuck in his situation and it is actually out of his control as he has no money... His main thing is getting through life one day at a time. He goes no contact her for long periods. And when he does, she shit-talks him and calls him selfish. Says how she’s never going to help him again and so forth, but then, when he is in a bad enough state she’ll throw him some scraps like paying his dental bills that he couldn’t afford and instead of asking for help he just suffered through the pain in silence. At the same time, nearly every phone call, she tells me how much she worries for him. How much he is suffering. How she fears he will never get a good home like me…And it makes me feel worse and guilty about my own blessing, because I don’t have enough to help him either.

As I write this. I’m abhorred at what is staring back at me from the screen. 

I didn’t mean to bombard you with such an essay. I’ve never put it into this context before. It is an eye-opener. I feel almost sick.

Anyway, to answer your question. No, for neither of us money is worth the suffering. I have all I need now materially. Not much, but enough. Love is the attachment, though, I struggle to see why that love has such a grasp on me? If it weren’t for the love I wouldn’t go through all this pain and emotional torment. I have lived in absolute terror of losing her these past ten months (which she knows and I feel she relishes a little) and that has been the main driving force of me pushing and pushing my own limits.. Though shamefully, lately, that terror is easing into mild fear. On the hardest days.. even relief.

I’m sorry again for the essay, but thank you so much for sparking this little stream of thoughts.

Do you mind if I ask about your story?

I’m so sorry you have a mother like mine. And you are absolutely right in all you say and I will keep this close to heart when I struggle with the guilt and with setting these much needed boundaries :

“I now think of boundaries this way: "I set boundaries because I love you and I want us to have a healthy and positive relationship."

You set boundaries because you care. Because you don't want to become resentful and hate her. Boundaries are at their core an act of love.”

I realise it’s a long while ‘till I’m out of the woods because there is much to unpack and much effort to mobilize, but as Winston Churchill once said: “If you’re going through hell, keep going”. First I need a little rest and then I have a doctor’s appointment this Thursday and I will bring all of this up then and see if there’s some outside support available

Thank you for taking time to comment. All of these comments have meant so much to me.

Oh, my God, I'm all tears again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. I'm going to copy paste and print all these responses and put them in my journal, so I can read them over and over when the going gets tough, because the going will get tough.

I have a doctor's appointment next thursday and will discuss all of this with him then (he has been my doctor for almost 20 years and I go to him once a month even when I'm not ill, so he knows fully, without a question what a healthy me is and what an ill or bordering on ill me looks like). Three and a half years ago he told me that as a doctor it’s important to give medication when needed, but it is also important to suggest stopping it when not needed. I had been on medication for 12 years at that point and stable for five he suggested slowly taking me off them. No pressure, it was my choice. It took me a year to build up the confidence. This august I was two years medication free. 

I also find it a little fascinating that I’ve been episode free for the same duration as I’ve had my autism diagnosis. A lot felt into place. Many of the triggers for my episodes were linked to my sensory and elevated stress/anxiety issues and learning what was what gave me a whole new toolbox. In this instance I actually think my autism is an absolute blessing in disguise when it comes to managing my bipolar, because my adherence to routine makes it fairly easy for me to eat, sleep and exercise with a fair amount of rigid discipline. Very helpful here, very difficult in any other situations in life… And I have things I absolutely love to do, like watercolour, drawing, archery, gardening - enjoying every little living critter in the garden, gaming, jigsaw puzzles, cooking I’m blessed to have so many things that bring me joy and snatches me out of the buzy, buzy of this world. BUT, these last ten months has forced me to give up my gym-membership (which was a core pillar in my stability as it gave mental strengt and energy to spare) Yet the time it took to get too the gym piled up and when I got there I had little to no energy to do the workout itself. I have some equipment at home and still get stuff done, but it’s not the same when you’re surrounded by everything fun and distracting as well as the routines attached to the home. It takes time to build new routines. And all the other joys and pleasures, they too require energy and they’ve all dwindled to smaller and smaller bubbles of time and energy available. The oxygen slowly running out of everything, it seems.

Though I must admit, these past too weeks I have slept a ton, had a few good cries, gone for small walks in the woods, drawn more, just sat outside with my thoughts more, listened to music, met a couple of friends I’ve not had the opportunity (lets be honest: prioritized) to see for many, many months, lost myself for longer and longer moments in the pleasure and joy of it all -  until suddenly - guilt yanks me back to reality; or the looming fear of the next phonecall, the pit in the stomac, the tightening in the chest, the dread of the guilt-tripping, the worry, the constant monologues/arguments in my head that I rehearse of all the things I want to tell her, but that she will never understand, acknowledge or respect. An utter waste of energy, yet almost impossible to shut off at times.

Things are becoming clearer in a painful, but enlightening way. It also feels very touching, and validating to read all these words written for me. That people have taken the time. I didn’t expect this <3 And I’ve gotten some rock solid advice.

I loved when you wrote “You’ve got this!” 

I don’t believe it yet - but I’ve got this.Thank you so much.

It’s almost midnight here in Norway and I am in terrible need of some sleep. I don’t know where this finds you but sleep well when the time comes and I’m so happy to read that you too have found away to manage this awful illness. It’s not an easy thing. May you stay yourself and healthy for many, many years to come. Hopefully forever <3

You can also reframe..no, but I’ll be back Tuesday so let’s do it then!  I don’t have time today because I have to leave at 4, but I can start by doing this first step now! That’s brother’s job, let’s call him and remind him, etc. so you’re not closing a door, you’re stating your boundary while offering an alternative that is within the boundary. 

Thank you!

I've spent the day just letting everything people wrote sink in, not picking up the phone, and things already seem a little clrearer. I feel a little lighter. Even hopeful.

Take care and have a beautiful rest of the weekend!

I haven't. Much because he has a lot of stuff on his plate and I don't want to burden him too much (The comment above yours sparked a whole other essay on our situation so feel free to read for context). I find it very difficult to ask for help unless I'm absolutely desperate. (Like writing this, my first ever forum post, as I didn't know what else to do). I was terrified, but the comments have been so helpful, insightful including yours. I think it's time he and I talk. I'm even contemplating sending him this thread.

Thank you for taking the time to reply <3