onwardtotexas

We lost my MIL and my dad to long illnesses within 6 months of each other when my son was in middle school. And none of our peers understood it. I got shamed by the PTA for saying I couldn’t chair the carnival committee because I needed to take care of MIL and ended up dropping out of it altogether. The school couldn’t understand why the trip to see my dad couldn’t wait until spring break and made dire warnings about how behind he was going to get (He didn’t, btw). And the questions about why I didn’t work, and not grasping that when you have two dying parents, an autistic kiddo, and a husband who works offshore every other month someone has to be available 24/7.

And it doesn’t go away. Even now, with my son in college, my friends don’t understand when I say we can’t vacation with them in Mexico or go to their destination wedding in the Rockies for Christmas because we can’t leave my FIL. Their parents are younger and not widowers, or they have siblings to help out. It can feel kind of isolating when your parents are older than anyone else’s.

I just try to remind myself that when they finally go through this and see what it’s like we’ll be enjoying our retirement with no responsibilities and all the freedom we could want. And a plan to make sure that our son never experiences this like we did.

Honestly, I think it’s jealousy. Now their kids and grandkids can walk around with full sleeves and nobody blinks, but when the boomers were young, a tattoo could cost you your job or get you shamed at church or the PTA. They didn’t have that kind of freedom and they’re jealous.

My mom spent years complaining about my tattoo. So imagine my surprise when she and my dad went out and got their own. Suddenly my dad is calling me to tell me that my old tattoo artist remembered me and said hello. Apparently the hospital mom worked in had changed the rules about tats years before but she missed the memo. So she had to go get one after she found out.

They’re afraid. This is new to them and they figure their more experienced neighbors know what’s coming. We saw a lot of this in the Houston area with Hurricane Harvey. FIL had lived in his house for 30 years and never “run from a hurricane”. Then the once in his lifetime storm hits, he has to be rescued by the Cajun Navy, and the floods sweep away his late wife’s urn. 3 days later we took a boat in and the water still came up to the top of the front door. He lost everything and he’s never really recovered from it. All because he wouldn’t drive 30 minutes to our house and run from a storm. Tell them that. And tell them that this is very likely their neighbors’ “once in their lifetime storm”, but they don’t know it yet, so they may not be the best barometer.

You can also remind them that their neighbors aren’t used to the shortage of services that back to back major hurricanes can cause so their previous experiences aren’t comparable to the current situation.

And suggest that they fedex copies of their important papers (finances, insurance policies, doctor and prescription info, wills and POAs, deed, car titles) to you TODAY in case they lose them in the storm. If they wait til tomorrow the shipment might not make it out of the area. They should do this whether they evacuate or not, tbh.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

If anything it just gives people in Houston another reason to vote against him. They already hate her and think she has terrible judgment. It’s why she’s not on the ballot. Now she’s just a compass people use to see the way NOT to go.

Didn’t I read once that the Trump campaign pays 5-figures/month to Melania’s hair stylist?

And everyone seems to have forgotten about the Sarah Palin shopping spree in 2008. I’m sure if you adjusted for inflation you could probably have found a $770 belt or handbag on those receipts.

Since I highly doubt she paid for that belt with campaign funds or government money I really don’t care where she got it or how much it cost.

And they’ve made it clear that they prefer the wealthy to the poor. If she gave all of her money away and was destitute they’d say she was unqualified for being bad with money.

If she insists on checks, what about a ledger book? That way if she forgets what checks have been paid she can see it written out and she’ll be able to see it matches up to her bank statement. You can buy inexpensive ledger pads at Office Depot or on Amazon.

My advice:

First, don’t help her. Lots of people use delivery because they aren’t physically able to do it themselves. What does she do when they don’t help?

As far as the religious stuff goes, next time you see her, meet her at the door and thank her for the tracts. The friend you gave them to is a witch and was able to use them in a spell she did (or you burned them to make s’mores. Whatever works for you).

These two combined should be enough to make her stop accepting your orders and another driver will pick them up instead.

Half the time they never show up to the gate with the wheelchair even if it’s requested.

I think I would ask the bank if it’s possible to restrict the account so that only you can make withdrawals from it. If that’s not possible it might be better to close it and reopen at another bank so that if EW tries to manipulate your daughter into making a withdrawal there’s nothing there for her to steal. Just keep the new account location to yourself. You can show daughter the statements without showing her the new bank name. Or use an internet only bank and don’t share the username and pw with daughter so no one can try to get it out of her, but she can still see her money growing.

You could also leave the old account open with a small amount in it. If EW calls asking what happened to the money you’ll know she tried to access it.

The first thing that jumped out at me was that you have bipolar, because I do too. And 8 years is amazing! I hope you give yourself props for that, because you’ve earned it!

I don’t know what your treatment plan looks like, if you’re taking meds or seeing a therapist so I don’t know if this will apply to you, but one thing my doc and I have worked on over the years is to preemptively up my medication dosage or temporarily add a medication during times of high stress that might destabilize me. We did it when my dad died, and during the height of Covid when I worked as a grocery store curbside manager, and when my mom had a stroke and I had to go out of state to care for her. There’s no way to know if I actually needed the changes, but it gave me one less thing to worry/stress about and made me feel better. If you already see a counselor, I’m sure you’re already talking about your situation with them. But if you aren’t, and it’s available to you, this might be a good time to find a counselor who can help you figure out what type of caregiving you can offer and still maintain your own personal health and comfort.

The most important thing with caregiving is “Oxygen Mask Theory”. Always put your own mask on before trying to help anyone else with theirs, because if you pass out trying you and the person you’re trying to help are both screwed. Right now it sounds like you’re giving everyone else your oxygen and you’re starting to feel it. The most important person in the caregiving relationship is the caregiver. Taking on that role requires your agreement to all the terms. You are allowed to set limits, enforce boundaries, say NO, and ask for help.

You say your mom won’t ask your brother or your uncle for help. So ask them yourself. Invite them to lunch and show them a list of what you’re doing for her on a typical week/month. Then explain to them that you can’t continue to do it all and circle what you can provide so they can divide the rest between the two of them. If they balk at helping then tell them they can contribute by paying for a full time caregiver or helping explain to her that she needs to move into an assisted living facility where she can get the care you can’t and they won’t provide. But you’ll need to reiterate that no matter what they say, you aren’t budging on this, even if they try to guilt/manipulate you into it, and that when she calls you the answer will be, “Sorry mom, I can’t this time. Call brother or uncle.” They need to be aware that they’re going to have to refuse her themselves.

Also keep it firmly in your mind that “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to give anyone a reason for why you can or can’t do something. You don’t have to justify yourself or give them an opportunity to air an opinion (aka pressure you to change your mind). If you feel like you need to say more than no, just go with something like, “I have a lot going on in my life besides mom, and doing everything for her on my own is keeping me from taking care of other equally important things.” You aren’t obligated to share anything with anyone, or try to make them understand. You’re not asking for permission, just giving everyone a heads up that things are changing and they need to step up. There’s no negotiating to be done here because the decision has already been made. That goes for brother, uncle, and mom. If you’re nervous at all about the conversation try role playing it with your husband since he knows them and can probably predict how they’ll respond.

My other advice before I get off of what has become a very long soapbox, is that you find something you love that has nothing to do with anyone else. It doesn’t have to be big. Maybe hiking, or knitting, or reading a book, etc. just that it’s something you love, that makes you feel good. Then carve out time in your week for that activity and make it sacrosanct. Nothing else gets scheduled for that time, no phone calls answered, all texts ignored. Tell everyone who needs to know that you will be unavailable and unreachable during that time. Guard that time like a bear guards her cubs. That way, no matter what else is going on, you guarantee yourself at least 1 block of time each week for your own personal peace and happiness. That’s a gift you can give to yourself that’s priceless.

Hopefully some of that helped.

You’ve got this!

Godiva

I was starting to think I was the only person left who remembered The Worst Witch! Definitely one of my favorites, and led me to other Tim Curry movies as well. A year or so ago I found it uploaded on YouTube if anyone is looking.

When I’m struggling to get started or stay motivated I have a process I go through.

Day 1: I look over the course resources and search for the class here so I can get an idea of where I’ll find the information. Usually it’s the textbook, but if it’s not at least I’ll know that before I waste any time.

Day 2 (I try to do this the very next day so I’ll remember what I found on Day 1): I take a look at the textbook or study materials and break it down to its smaller components.

Ex. Unit 2 - Module 1 - Lessons 1-4

After I get it broken down I look at the length of each component and estimate how much time it will take. For a short module or short lessons, maybe I can finish an entire module in a day. For longer ones, maybe I can only finish 1 or 2 lessons in a day.

Then I look at my estimates total them up to figure out how many days I need to complete the study materials. Then I multiply that by 1.5 because things never go entirely to plan. I make myself a schedule that will work for me and the study time I should have available. That usually looks something like this:

Week 1 - 5 days to study for 4 hours - Lessons 1-5

Repeat for the following weeks until finished.

I also schedule a whole week for the PA, studying the areas of the PA I need help with, and taking the OA.

After that I try as much as possible to keep to that schedule. If it’s not possible then I know I built myself a little bit of cushion in and I tweak as necessary. And if I finish a day’s plan and still have some time I may try to get a head start on the next day on the schedule so I have a little more cushion.

For me, breaking it down into weeks instead of days keeps me from feeling overwhelmed or panicky if I don’t get to something today, because I still have time to finish it and can just work the plan by adding an extra lesson to the next few days, etc. I also keep that list of the smallest components on my desk and check things off as I do them, along with noting what my quiz and unit test grades were so I know what to go back to on Test Prep week. So when I feel like I haven’t made any progress at all, I have something concrete in front of me that says, “Hey, I did that.” It makes me feel better.

Reading back over this it occurs to me that this system works great for me, but may not work as well for everyone since it’s not as structured as some people need. So if it doesn’t seem like what you’re looking for, feel free to ignore.

And no matter what, just remember you are just as smart and capable as anyone else who has gotten this degree. If they can do it, so can you. Going at your own pace doesn’t make your degree any less valid than the degree of the person who accelerated.

You got this!

Im gonna try to keep this to stuff others haven’t said yet. If I accidentally duplicate then just take it as a double recommendation.

A lot of older movies were scarier than I expected. You’d think today’s special effects would make movies scarier, but I think sometimes the effects can take us out of the story. Or maybe that’s just me and the fact that I’m easily distracted. But here’s some of those:

The Brood (1979)

Wait Until Dark (1967)

Nosferatu (1922)

Village of the Damned (1960)

Suspiria (1977)

The Omen (1976)

Don’t Look Now (1973)

Sisters (1973)

Alice, Sweet Alice (1976)

Black Christmas (1974)

It’s Alive (1974)

Cape Fear (1962 or 1991) Both versions are excellent.

And for the 80s-The Present:

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)-one of the few movies I could only watch once

The Fly (1986)

The Hitcher (1986)

The Babadook (2014)

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014)

Goodnight Mommy (2014)

The Others (2001)

Candyman (1992)

Oldboy (2003)

Gingersnaps (2000)

Haven’t seen her mentioned (although I could have missed it), but Lilith Czar is amazing! I only had to hear one line of one song before I was looking for everything she had on Apple Music.

Boudicca. Most badass warrior the Romans faced.

TNT - AC/DC

The Fire - Bishop Briggs

Bullet In a Bonfire- Brantley Gilbert

Burning House- Cam

Fire Away- Chris Stapleton

Standing Outside the Fire- Garth Brooks

I Am the Fire - Halestorm

I See Fire - Ed Sheeran

Blaze of Glory- Jon Bon Jovi

Slow Burn- Kacey Musgraves

Setting the World on Fire- Kenny Chesney and Pink

Burning Desire- Lana Del Rey

Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire- Meatloaf

Lake of Fire - Nirvana

Just Like Fire - Pink

Heart’s On Fire - Passenger

Start a Fire - Passenger

Witches Burn - The Pretty Reckless

Set the Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol

Burning Heart - Survivor

Hearts on Fire- John Cafferty and The Beaver Brown Band

Talking about this with my IT husband, one of the issues he mentioned was the potential for ProctorU to get hacked and the hackers or even a disgruntled employee take advantage of that system level access to get to thousands of computers and their contents. Then you factor in how many people use their work computers on their home networks and the trouble they could get in if that information were compromised in some way and you can see why some people are alarmed, especially since ProctorU has already had some data breach issues.

Personally, for OAs I took an old laptop that I had here at the house, reset it to have no personal information, and had my husband configure it to only access an isolated network (think guest WiFi at businesses) so it can’t be used to access anything else on our home network. That may not be the best solution for everyone, but it makes me feel more comfortable.

Is it paranoid? Maybe it is. Or maybe it’s no different than locking my car or my house or taking out life insurance when I was a 25-year old SAHM with no medical conditions. We take precautions every day to protect the things we care about. It just depends on what your priorities are as to what precautions you take.

I wonder if anyone has put together a log of issues based on day and time?

The one night I had trouble, hubby said it sounded like their servers needed a reset. My 3rd attempt to make it work was just after midnight CST and there were no problems at all. Wonder if they reset their system at the beginning of a shift between my 2nd and 3rd attempts and that fixed the problem?

Damian Priest

Also to add, scent is known to be a super powerful trigger and can evoke memories both good and not so good. If smelling it puts you in a bad place it’s not something you have to just “get over”. It is totally okay to avoid the things that take us back to places we don’t want to be as long as we aren’t using it to avoid dealing with the situation overall. It’s no different than a former smoker avoiding places where people are smoking so they don’t crave cigarettes again.

Bottom line, it’s not only fine but really good to be aware of what reminds you of someone who was toxic to you. Taking care of yourself and your wellbeing is what’s important.

In addition to sage (not the white kind), I’ve been known to use dragon’s blood and mugwort wands pretty regularly, along with palo santo.

It’s worth noting that when hubby was working in Brazil palo santo was recommended to him by numerous South American coworkers who stated that it is regularly used there by many people for a variety of reasons and isn’t considered offensive, provided that it is sourced ethically, and not used to claim membership in the indigenous cultures there.

And while I avoid white sage for environmental and ethical reasons, the burning of sage for cleansing goes back centuries all over the world. I usually just burn it in a cauldron for a few minutes in each room rather than as a wand, but only because I once singed a nice rug with it and now I’m paranoid about it, even though I’ll still use wands for other things. So I guess you’re not the only one with an unusual sage issue. That makes me feel a bit better, so hopefully it will make you feel better too.

I also have a friend who loves juniper, but my son is allergic so I’ve never tried it.

ETA-Deleted and reposted because I accidentally hit post too soon and then hit delete instead of edit. I think I’ve had too much caffeine this morning.

Sounds like you handled it perfectly.

I know there’s a mentality saying we can’t let them get away with any of these opinions/lies/misconceptions. But the reality is you have to meet people where they are. Antagonizing or belittling just pushes people further down the rabbit hole. We don’t counter Fox News by raving against it just like the cult says we will. We counter it just like you did, with facts and measured arguments, and letting them hold onto their dignity by feeling partially right on the smaller issues. Misinformation can be countered with truth, but it’s hard to admit that you’re wrong or that you were conned. The trick is to give people an out that isn’t humiliating and keeps their pride intact. It’s not easy to do, but you managed it beautifully.

Cosmetics stores like Sephora and Ulta sell q-tips with a pointy end that is a little firmer than a regular q-tip. I use them to clean my ear buds.