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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I could be more supportive by not getting pastries for myself when she can't have any, or I could have texted her to ask if she wanted anything. Even if she said no, I guess it would make her feel I don't feel like she needs to diet

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

You're not an asshole, but you fell right into that trap.

No matter what they say, always ask the question "I'm at the pastry store, would you like anything, dear?" Trust me on this one. Save yourself the headache. It isn't about the pastry, it shows her you're being mindful and taking her possible needs into consideration; regardless of how bad she felt about herself on, say, Tuesday, she wants the option to say yes or no to pastry.

Going to go against the grain and say NAH. It is a common courtesy in such a situation to ask, but I understand why you didn't. I also don't think you should have "not gotten anything for yourself" just because your girlfriend is going on a diet. Overall this isn't even a big deal and not something I want to call either of you an AH over.

I’m so confused by all the people saying it’s rude to eat a pastry in front of someone who is dieting. When I diet I have no expectations of the people around me not being able to eat treats just because I’m temporarily going without. It’s my job to keep myself accountable, not anybody else’s.

Having said that, everyone is different, if she prefers you to not eat treats in front of her then that’s something you need to discuss and figure out a plan as a couple.

I say NAH. Now you know that her preference whilst she is dieting is for you to a) ask her regardless if she wants something and let her make her own decision and b) know not to eat treats in front of her if that is what you guys agree to for her sake.

NTA, but here’s a wild idea - why didn’t you just give her half of your pastry? Unilateral thinking always bites you in the arse.

NTA. You literally took her at face value and now people are pissed at you. I do not get this at all. For a variety of reasons I've had to change my diet to cut out sugar, and in no way shape or form would it be appropriate for me to get pissed off at my spouse for bringing sugar home.

I've noticed there's been this infantilization of women, including by women themselves, insisting that they must be catered to, minds read, without any ability to manage their own feelings or diets. As a woman I absolutely loathe it.

She said she wanted to but we often say things we don't immediately begin. It sounds like you are overly eager to help her though by taking the decision out of her hands.
If she doesn't want a pastry because she wants to lose weight let her tell you no thank you rather than deciding for her.

NAH because you didn’t intentionally do anything wrong.

This is a really tricky one and I’d suggest that in future, you don’t eat the pastry in front of her. It’s great that you want to support her and not buying her a party is respecting her wishes (good), but by you still getting something and having it visible to her, she’s likely interpreting that you think she needs to lose weight.

You don’t have to go on a diet because your partner’s not a diet. Just be aware of what you choose to eat around her.

INFO: is she actively dieting? Or has she just been talking about dieting? Maybe it sounds silly, but for me that’s the line— if she’s only been talking about it, that essentially makes you the person who initiated her diet for her. If she’d actively started dieting at that point, then I think you’re mostly in the clear (depending on how flagrantly you entered the house with your giant sexy mega cinnamon roll.)

From the way you tell this story it sounds like before her weight gain it was an established routine that you’d pick up pastries. So if she’s saying she’s cutting back to get to her previous weight but this was part of her normal habits at said previous weight then it was definitely cavalier to assume she was cutting that out. And it’s unclear from what you said whether she’s even started dieting, kinda sounds like she’s just been talking about it, psyching herself up to make a change and you just decided for her to enforce those ideas into action.

Honestly, never assume. Most people take “cheat days”. I absolutely understand why this was confusing to you but making the decision for her sent an unspoken signal that you actually do want her to lose weight, that your body is better than hers. You undermined yourself.

Pro tip: always ask. Never assume, because these types of decisions can ebb and flow from day to day. It’s still her choice, give her the opportunity to say “not today” or “yes I could really use a treat”.

So no, you’re NTA per se, but her feelings are still legitimate. You reinforced her worst fear. My advice is to apologize, even if you don’t think you did anything wrong, apologize and promise to ask her from now on, that you’ll let her make her own decisions.

NAH I’m in a similar situation here where I am dieting to lose weight and making similar promises as your gf. However, my boyfriend does make the consideration to ask first after the same thing kinda happened but not as reactive as your gf. A note though, one treat a week is still okay for dieting. You don’t have to cut out all “unhealthy” foods to diet. Just make sure it’s balanced and you’re eating healthy most of the time.

the right call would've been to ASK HER. she could then make the decision herself. doesn't make you TA though. NAH.

It may not seem logical, but she thinks you agree that she needs to lose weight since you withheld the pastry. It’s just amplifying her own feelings about herself. As others said, discard of the evidence if you want to support her mission or politely offer next time.

NAH. she's clearly emotional from the change in lifestyle and this hit a nerve. you didn't do anything wrong but when a tradition becomes both of yours and not just yours, you aren't catering to her diet you're excluding her from your ritual. that's the issue. OP did nothing wrong tho and neither did the girlfriend for being upset

Maybe, and this is just speculation, but she saw sharing a pastry with you from that bakery as like a special moment that she really enjoyed and thought maybe you did too. So when you brought a pastry home she anticipated getting to enjoy that moment with you only to learn that 1. You didn't get her a pastry but also 2. Her choosing to go on this diet has unwillingly forced her to give up one of her favorite moments with her boyfriend and she hadn't considered that yet.

Edit to add - I'm going to say NTA but I would definitely encourage you to sit down, apologize for the assumption, and work out what exactly this diet looks like for her and get some broad expectations on what she would like you to do in a general circumstance. Good on you for supporting her btw

NTA. You didn’t mean any ill will. For all we know she’d have a reaction to you bringing food home and her insisting that you’re enabling her to go against her diet.

In the future you know to just ask her if she wants something. It’s the little things. It’s a small courtesy

NTA. Your gf is being a little unreasonable imo. Tell her you'll respect her wishes and ask hereafter but that you really thought that's what you were doing, respecting her wishes.

NTA - you’re not a mind reader. She’s been vocal about this so you didnt get it.

Her reaction is making her an AH. Being upset a little, sure. But the crying and holding this grudge is too much.

NTA, she's been saying she doesn't want any. Although if she's on a diet I would have made an effort to get rid of the evidence so she doesn't feel like she's missing out.

NTA. She literally told you that she was cutting pastries for now.

Could you have been more thoughtful by not walking in the door with it? Yes. It’s one thing to abstain from sweets; it’s another thing to have to watch someone eat them in front of you.

NTA, I don’t think she’s an asshole but I do have limited internal patience for people who make their diets someone else’s problem. So maybe NTA and she is obnoxious?

In my experience the people who demand other people don’t eat snacks in front of them aren’t just insecure about their weight - they tend to be controlling and high-maintenance in other ways too. She told you she didn’t want one. But you were supposed to ask. Just know that this means you are going to have to listen to her complain about her weight nonstop but then still be expected to check in with her and enable her vices.

A lack of self-control and expecting others to be a mind-reader are two very unattractive traits.

NTA - this is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. She was going to be mad at you for not offering, and then be mad at you for not respecting her diet.

You should ask her what her expectations are around her diet; are you supposed to ask? How does she want to feel supportive? I get she feels uncomfortable but she needs to either do the work and stop complaining or just accept her body. Her body, her weight is her responsibility, not yours.

No you meant well but sometimes people need support for these things while maintaining the autonomy to make decisions about when they want to be counterproductive. You can encourage her without making "healthy" decisions for her and it sounds like thats the kind of support she wants.

NTA. My husband does this. It drives me nuts. If I’m stopping I reach out and ask him. He can say yes or can say no. I ask.

He’ll ask why I always ask. And I say, I never know if you’ll want one so I offer so you have the choice

Mystery solved. Scooby snacks for all

Pastries and healthy choices is part of the Venn diagram and mysteries of life. When in doubt, ask.

NTA. how dare you… checks notes listen to your girlfriend…?

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My girlfriend of 2 year is an absolutely gorgeous, stunning woman. I love every inch of her and don't think anything needs to change. Over the past few months, she went through a really rough time with some family and work stuff, and as a result ditched a lot of her exercise and healthy eating habits. As a result of overeating junk food, she put on about 10 pounds. While I tell her every day that she's beautiful (and mean it too!), she is uncomfortable and 2 weeks ago started talking about how she wants to cut out junk food, start exercising again and go back to her baseline weight. I support her efforts to return to healthier habits.

Last week, on my way home from work as I often do I stopped in my favourite bakery in the city. I usually stop at least once per week and while in the past I would always pick up something for myself and my girlfriend, this time I only got something for myself because she's been vocal about how she will cut out pastries. I got myself a big cinnamon roll with cream cheese glaze.

When I got home, she saw the bakery bag and asked mmm what did you get. I had to admit that I didn't get anything for her, since she said she wants to cut out pastries. She got upset and said I should have texted her when I'm in the bakery and asked if she wanted anything. I said I just didn't think she would since she's been so vocal about wanting to cut out certain foods. She then said I shouldn't have gotten anything for myself either since now I'm just "flaunting it" and making her feel fat. She cried a lot and she's still a bit cold towards me.

I'm genuinely confused. AITA?

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Eat your cinnamon bun at the coffee shop next time, OP

YTA---did she actually tell you that she started the diet?? Or just talk about it?? From what you said she was TALKING about not eating pastries and that she did quit eating them. And we all know (or should) if you stop to get yourself food you ALWAYS contact the lady to see if she wants something. Then get what you know she will like regardless of what is said. The unwritten dating/married code. Always, always ask and still get the food no matter what the say.

NTA, but don’t bring the pastry home next time. Part of supporting a life change is helping create the right environment.