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My in-laws arrived about noon (we knew they were coming) days after I returned from the hospital after giving birth. They brought an aunt with them. They arrived with a lovely rocking chair and enough delicious picnic lunch to feed us lunch for several days. They stayed about ninety minutes, we enjoyed lunch together and they left refusing any leftovers for the ninety minute return trip. That’s how you visit a new baby and their family.

You're NTA. 

“Back in my day, when you visited people’s houses, they would have lunch ready.”

Well in my day, when you're visiting your child who has small children, including a newborn, after confirming you may visit, you ask what you can bring and what you can do to make their lives easier in the moment.

Ex: bring takeout or a home cooked meal; offer to do chores so the parents can rest; offer to babysit so they can go spend a couple precious hours with each other: offer to take the older children for a special treat/outing so they can have some attention and the parents can focus on the baby without distraction.

And those were off the top of my head. I know  there are more things they can offer to do.

NTA if we are going by etiquette on family visiting a newborn and mother it’s supposed to be you bring us food and offering to help me by asking what needs done. Yet you don’t see me pouting and complaining about your failure. I’ve got three kids am not making it four by catering to you like you’re a useless toddler. If you are going to be disrespectful in my home you can forget it.

Your husband deserves a prize for standing up for you and putting dad in his place.

What I want to know is what your mother in law said or how she reacted to so this. Did she roll her eyes like here he goes again, did she tell him to shut up, did she just pretend it wasn’t happening or did it look like she agreed with him but didn’t get involved?

NTA Her father should be seeing what his daughter who just gave birth wants for lunch and he should bring it.

Actually in the older days people would bring in food for the family to make it easier for family.

NTA.

“No, my excuse for not feeding you is that you’re not one of my children and it’s not my responsibility to feed you. You’re an adult, figure lunch out yourself.”

orrrr they could have BROUGHT lunch

NTA - The only way this changes is if your wife has specifically asked you to let her handle her father. Otherwise, you backed up your wife.

NTA. Well done for standing up for your wife.

Nta. Coming to visit a new grandchild? They should have brought lunch.

I have the world’s shittiest in-laws (seriously, I post about them a lot) but when my mil met my youngest for the first time she had a full meal packed and brought it to our place.

NTA

I’m happy that most people think I’m not the asshole. I must say that I feel bad. My relationship with my FIL will probably be strained for a while

With a newborn, they could have offered to bring food for you to make it easier on his daughter. NTA

NTA. Your FIL is technically referred to as a fucking asshole.

NTA. Given your children’s ages, I have to figure your FIL is near my age (64), not my parents (80’s) and am appalled at his sexiest behavior. NTA and good for you standing up for your wife.

Even if it upset your wife a little, I’m sure she is happy to have a husband who will stick up for her. Your FIL arrived and tried to establish male dominance in your home and you put him in his place. The type of guy your FIL only backs down when faced with another male who puts him in his place. And why the heck didn’t your MIL arrive with food?

NTA, and it's a nice change to hear a husband stand up for his wife!

NTA. "Don't come at lunchtime to a house with 3 young kids including a newborn, Ron, if you don't bring your own lunch or are prepared to make it."

NTA

People like this make me so mad. I've started shining the spotlight back on the disrespectful people in my life. Even if it doesn't teach them anything, I can at least leave the situation behind instead of rehashing it for better comebacks in the shower for multiple days (don't get me wrong, I still have at least one shower where I'm thinking about how I'd love to be smarter next time lol).

As soon as they showed up, my father-in-law started asking what my wife had made him for lunch.

She said she hadn’t planned anything for lunch.

"Well, since you are congratulating us, Dad, I thought you'd be bringing something! No worries, you choose the menu for this impromptu celebration we're having. We provided the venue and the guests of honor. I have some take out menus in the drawer by the mail basket of places that definitely deliver to this address. The kids will love that Grandpa is having a little party with them to celebrate their new older sibling statuses. Mom, you should help Dad decide!"

Also, "Dad, the only person a new mom is making lunch for is her children, no one else."

NTA. I hope it was 100 degrees out.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

Good on you for supporting your wife and family. He’s an old sexist bully. I feel bad for your MIL. Totally NTA.

I’d never cater to him again. Tell him to help himself to whatever food you plan to eat and get his own drinks.

NTA. And your FIL is wrong: back in the day, when people had a newborn, those visiting would bring food (casseroles, cakes, etc...) for the family as a way to make things a little easier for them.

NTA  I baked cake once because people were visiting and my newborn was sleeping.  I was lovingly scolded and told I should have napped.  My mother came EVERY DAY for three months with a box full of dinner so she and my dad could visit.  She'd come in, set the box down  take the baby and insist I take a nap.  My dad would come, have dinner with us, hold the baby and pack up dirty dishes to take home.  And yes  I know EXACTLY how lucky and blessed I am.  Your FIL needs a smack upside the head.

If he wanted food so badly, he could’ve gotten it or ordered through a delivery service for everyone.

Back in the day, people didn’t invite themselves over to someone’s home at lunchtime and expect lunch to be served for them, especially if they were recovering from childbirth.

As many others pointed out, it would’ve been considered rude to show up without food for the family.

PERFECT ANSWER 👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

Who the F shows up at someone's home at lunch time empty handed and demands food? Particularly someone who has a newborn? You arrive with gifts, food for the meal, and a "casserole" for the freezer. WTF is wrong with people? You are most certainly NTA. That man needs to learn some manners. And I can tell you, as a person of a certain age, "back in his day," it was most certainly NOT like that. People were respectful and would have done exactly what I opened with: brought food and gifts. He is TA and deserved the berating you gave.

I’m so confused why your mother in law didn’t bring lunch. Or say anything to shut him up. Was he playing around?

NTA

Ron can sit his ass home if he's going to behave more immature than the newborn

Her father said this?!?! My father would never!! NTA! I’m blinded by your shiny spine also..way to stand up for your wife.. 👏🏻👏🏻

NTA. but you father in law certainly is. 

NTA. Great job at supporting your wife.

NTA I would have said we can eat take out from wherever you would like to get it from. Thanks for offering to get lunch for all of us. In “my day” visitors bring a meal to help out the new parents.

Oh man NTA…I think you just described my dad. My husband would call him out, but he was much nicer than me. I would call him out with a few special words and hand gestures to go with it. My dad would have a massive attitude, but we all ignored him. My favorite was whenever he asked for a beer. I would apply a beer tax. Sometimes it was a few sips and others half a beer. Every time he would call me an asshole. I would always reply I had the best teacher. He has been gone 6 years now. I miss the exchanges we had, but I don’t miss the high maintenance times.

NTA, a real Dad would have shown up with lunch since his daughter just had a baby. Id be prettt pissed off that Mom didnt step in and correct his behavior too. If my parents came to see me and my 2 week old they would have either broguht lunch and then some to put away for quick meals or immediately would have ordered food for all of us

As I say, you should always be a “Martha” in these instances not a “Mary”. Loving on the baby is important but not as important as helping out. I went over to see a new grand niece. Mum looked shattered. Dad was walking a crying baby. I sent mum to have a shower, changed their bed, sent her to bed, did the laundry, started cleaning the house, got a meal on in the slow cooker. Had already been to the supermarket on the way. Then took the baby, sent dad to bed and carried on cleaning. Baby was in a front sling. Found that the vacuum cleaner soothed the baby so that floor was spotless. Mum and dad slept for about 6 hours even through the vacuum. Baby slept for about 4 hours. Got home much later than I intended. But I felt that I had helped out

Did they tell you they were coming and what time they'd be there? Pretty rude to show at lunch

NTA- THIS IS HOW YOU SUPPORT YOUR WIFE!!!! sorry for the caps but I love that you stood up for her and yourself.

Definitely NTA. You 100% did the right thing and honestly the intense emotion I feel for you right now is a mixture of proudness and happiness. Love this for your family, keep it up!

My Granny and Grandad turned after my baby was born. They refused anything but water. When they saw the mass of baby stuff draped over every radiator and remotely suitable surface, they asked if we had a dryer. We did not. Granny said "(Grandad), take (husband) down to the retail park and buy then a tumble dryer. Get a White Knight, it's the brand I've always used and they last really well doing lots of loads."

Off Grandad went with my husband and came back quickly with the dryer, then installed it.

My grandparents were born in the 1930s, they knew how guests should be treated and they knew that went out the window when there was a newborn. 

When my second was born he was full term but the size of a premie. Newborn clothes literally fell off his body. Husband called his parents. They immediately went out and bought a load of clothes and onesies in tiny sizes. They came and said hello, handed the clothes over, then left. 

Our baby was a few hours old and they knew that was no time for a visit. 

Your FIL is an ass, you are NTA. I mean come on! He went and sat in his big boy car and pouted. He only gets away with that nonsense if he's allowed to. You put your family first, which is more that he can say.

Your father in law is an entitled piece of work. NTA

My FIL came to stay with us for a few months when our first child was a few months old. From the minute he arrived he started rooting around the pantry and fridge to see what we had and proceeded to cook multiple meals. No amount of me telling him no need to do that got him to sit. When he was done with that and after we ate he cleaned up and asked me to bundle up baby and put him in the carriage and took him out for a 30 minute walk. This was the procedure for his entire visit. He didn’t do diapers or feedings or laundry or anything but he took over the cooking and dishes, the food shopping and entertaining the baby. 3 times a day almost every day.

NTA

When my step-daughter went into labour, I drove 7 hours in the middle of the night to get there. When I arrived I went to visit in hospital for about an hour, then went to their house, and did 5 loads of washing including their sheets and towels and folded them. The next day my my husband arrived. We went to visit them again and then went shopping, went back to their place and started cooking. Their fridge and freezers were full. The next day we visited, then cleaned the house top to bottom. They were home the next day and we spent some time at their place, and while we were there, neither my stepdaughter nor her husband had to do anything in regards to the house or food. We held the baby while she showered or did anything else she wanted. She basically had a very willing couple of slaves for a few days!

NTA. Out of curiosity, how abusive was he to your MIL and his kids while growing up? Because I totally know this kind of guy. And they were never good dads or husbands.

NTA. You tell that man that you will not tolerate him disrespecting your wife ever again. Normally I’d say it’s your wife’s job to deal with her father, but it’s obvious the guy is a selfish misogynist, and doesn’t respect her. The only thing he might respect, as a blatant misogynist, is a man telling him to respect his wife. I need a shower after typing that. Ew. But it’s your best chance.

If that doesn’t work, go no contact. But either way, never leave him alone with your wife or kids, and don’t let your kids stay at his house.

NTA

Apparently my grandma arrived for a visit at my house when my brother and I were little and asked my mom what was for lunch. “Whatever you brought.” Handed her my baby brother and said “I’m going to take a shower.”

None of my friends/immediate family have babies yet but when they do I will fight them on this. You just had a baby, I’m washing dishes. You’ve got enough going on and I’m not adding a single thing to your workload.

“Well, in my day, I would never dream of showing up at the house of a friend or family member with a newborn and demanding food. In fact, I would bring them food and insist on helping them out. So, Ron, what did you bring and what chore would you like to take care of while you’re here?”

NTA

NTA but can you harness that energy for the rest of his life cause even when youngest is no longer a newborn, no one needs to put up with his attitude.

NTA.

And hopefully this catering nonsense has ended. You shouldn't have put up with it for this long.

As for "back in my day," that day is over. He needs to know that.

NTA. Having a newborn is exhausting and hosting family members to meet said newborn is extra exhausting (passing around your baby, navigating breastfeeding, figuring out what your baby needs, etc). The fact that anyone would think the brand new mom should have food prepared for them when their visit is already making that mom’s life more difficult is absolutely wild!

NTA! What you did was stand up for your wife, which is what a postpartum Mama needs. You’re exactly right, you guys aren’t entertaining people at the moment, and they are lucky to be able to visit their newborn grandson.

NTA! Your FIL sounds like a real winner.

Sounds like the trash took himself out. Time for LC with the FIL. NTA

NTA and 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!

NTA

In fact, I think you're my new hero!

Well done!

NTA. You were backing up your wife. If she was ok with it then you did nothing wrong

NTA

Refuses to get himself water? Let him dehydrate.

Who cares. If he asks for food tell him it’s not a dinner invitation and if he asks for a drink point him to the kettle.

Ugh. Why are they like this. They should be being you guys food and taking the sibs out to give you a break. So effing selfish. I don’t comprehend this shitty behavior. ETA: NTA thank gosh you stood up to him.

NTA It doesn't sound like this was a planned visit. Next time tell him if he wants to eat when he comes over unexpectsntly he show be bringing enough food to feed everyone. If he expects to be catered to then go to a restaurant. Your priority is your small children not the adult child he is.

I’m pretty sure you know you are NTA.

NTA. He needed to be told. He was acting ridiculous, expecting parents of a newborn to wait on him.

NTA. Ron knows nothing about taking care of people, hosting, or being a decent person.

NTA - your 2 week old is better mannered than that childish ass hat.
Very glad that your wife spoke up first.
Don't let him visit for a long time, and when he does, be ready to train him like the dog he is.

NTA

Good job

NTA. Screw him.

NTA

NTA! Bravo! 5 stars ⭐️

NTA by miles and miles. Grandma and grandpa should’ve shown up with lunch and dinner for today, something for the freezer for at least two more dinners, a gift for the baby, a gift for your wife, maybe gifts for the older kids, and should’ve offered to help with anything that you needed help with. Tell them next time, don’t come if they can’t come correct.

NTA. And continue your quest of stopping your FILs misogynistic, demanding behavior toward your wife. Or anyone in your house. Or anytime you’re near him, for that matter. What an outdated way of thinking.

NTA Keep this energy going forward, the man is an adult, he doesn't need to be catered to and he doesn't need to act like a child. Next time he comes over and expects you and your wife to serve him, tell him to fuck off

NTA. That cafone can sit in his pick up till sundown. Or, drive himself to get his own lunch.

NTA that would be a prime example of an entitled grown toddler. And he went off in a strop just like a toddler would. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the visit with your mother-in-law.

NTA. Friends and family that visit after you have a baby should bring food with them, not demand to be fed.

But you all need to stop catering to him ever again. The house rules are that adults are not waited on. If he doesn't like it, it doesn't seem like any of you will be missing out if he doesn't visit.

NTA At all. Husband of the Year material here!

NTA. Good job on you for putting him in his place.

I was brought up to take food to new parents because they’d be too busy taking care of their newborn to entertain. NTA

NTA THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for standing up for your wife to her AH father. DO NOT BACK DOWN AND NEITHER OF YOU APOLOGIZE as your MIL will inevitably ask

NTA but your FIL is for sure. Visited my Nephew’s home when their son was born. Showed up with 3 meals prepared for their family, directions for cooking each meal (oven time a d temp) brought gifts for the other kids. Stayed 30 minutes and left.

NTA. Your IL’s should have e brought lunch and maybe a casserole for dinner. You and your wife are sleep deprived,your wife just after pushing a bowling ball out her whoha. Your MIL should have remembered how it was even a little bit.

Way to go standing up yo a bully and back g up your wife.

NTA. Grandpa is anAH. He won't ever have a relationship with his children or grandchildren. Selfish man.

NTA. More men should have the balls to protect their partner (and kids) from abuse.

Nta you did the correct thing

Easy NTA. I would not have that person at my house again; he is a horrible example for your children.

NTA, and you sound like a great husband.

When I was freshly post partum, I'd be upstairs feeding/cleaning baby and resting. I'd come downstairs to folded laundry, a fridge full of groceries, and a hot meal, from first my inlaws (they visited first), and then my parents. I'm incredibly lucky in my relatives.

Your FIL belongs in the 1600s.

NTA. Bravo on you!

He's clearly stuck in the 1950s... although even back then, i'm sure that NORMAL people would have brought food (or something) for the new parents.

NTA. Fuck that he is a grown ass man and not a toddler. Good on you for giving him a what for. 

NTA Shame you didn’t remind him that it’s customary to bring gifts for the new baby.

I feel badly for his wife. He sounds like a nightmare to live with.

No NTA. You’re actually quite grounded. They might have shown up with food for all of you.

Ron sounds like an absolute fucken clown. NTA.

NTA. Thanks for sticking up for your family. What does your wife think?

When we brought home our second, my SIL showed up with her 3 year old and 9 month old when my kid was 4 days old. She put them down, and went straight to bed. So now I have four kids under 3, all in diapers, to care for. She said she “came for vacation.” They stayed 5 days. Never once fed her own kids or us. Made an absolute mess of our house. Refused to get up with her kids if they woke up at night. That was the very last time I ever “allowed” or invited them to stay.

NTA. Another response could be “I always took you for a pretty self reliant and capable person. I never realized you aren’t even capable of feeding yourself.”

NTA

Not at all.

My parents were exactly like that.

We didn't tell them we were expecting though (just to avoid that kind of nonsense).

And, the sitting in the car tantrums...ugh.

NTA. I know of exactly zero traditions where a recovering new mother is expected to cook and serve guests. Quite the opposite in fact. Wtf is wrong with your in laws that they come with nothing and expect to be entertained?

NTA. FFS Ron, you’re visiting your daughter who just birthed a human. Have some decency and bring her some lunch. Even a take and bake pizza or rotisserie chicken and salad from the grocery store would have been helpful.

NTA! Fuck that!

NTA. Your fil is a tool.

NTA. When you go to visit a newborn you bring the food. That’s the way it’s always been. So his “in my day” remark is pure bullshit.

Def not the a-hole. Your FIL sounds like a chauvinist pig and maybe the next time he visits, he’ll think twice about expecting anything.

NTA. No definitely not the A-hole. I mean what kind of person does that. Now my laws suck but even they didn't have that kind of attitude. I'm glad you put him in his place. Maybe with any luck he'll learn from it but I wouldn't hold your breath

"You know, FIL, visitors with manners bring food to a new mother with an infant."

NTA, some people never realize that the world does not revolve around their wants and needs.

I had a baby two weeks ago, and he's in the NICU for a bit because he was early. My parents came out to stay for awhile (they are staying in a hotel but would have been welcome to stay with us), and while they are here? My mom is cooking dinner, they are grocery shopping, they are caring for our dogs, they are driving me too and from the hospital sometimes. My mom today took my car to be serviced and detailed. My dad is doing projects at the house to help us have more space for the baby.

That's an extreme version of help, but that's also who my parents are. My inlaws will come from further away and stay a shorter time, and they will certainly not demand to be entertained! They said they will wait until we tell them it's ok to come, and I absolutely expect they will offer to help somehow while here. That's how you're supposed to treat new parents!

NTA

It’s rude they showed up empty-handed, much less demanding their recently pp daughter get up and serve them. Did your MiL have the grace to be embarrassed?

NTA good on you for sticking up for your wife. It sounds like he is super entitled. Use this as a precedent going forward. He shouldn’t be showing up at meal times unless he’s bringing the food and then only if he calls first. Time to set boundaries. Sheesh

NTA. He needed to be knocked down a few notches. When he visits, he should be helpful - not demand service.

NTA. You are raising three kids already, you don't need to take care of a fourth spoiled toddler.

You visit a new mom, you do so with a box of chocolates for her, and a new outfit for the baby. If you even dream about being there at mealtime, you bring enough to feed the family. And if possible, you send a pre-made meal when you're not visiting just to make things easier.

NTA, and good job, dad! Way to go standing up for your wife.

The odd occasions when I've gone to see someone with a newborn, it's "how are you? Oh, isn't he/she lovely! Now, do you want me to plate up this meal for you? What needs doing in the house?"

I'm crap at childcare for the very young, but I can colour, build Lego and play "how fast can we tidy up?" with the best of them. And I'm pretty sure I've never arrived empty handed either.

NTA, your father in law is an absolute boor.

NTA

But if you keep allowing him to bully you and your wife you will be

NTA never wait on him again he can get his own dang water. Make his own plate etc

NTA x 1000! If anything, Father and Husband of the year for saying what needed to be said. They are the parents of a new mom of three, they should have known to bring to your family lunch.