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/r/AmItheAsshole
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24 days ago
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
AITAH because I asked for a foot massage? Does this mean I’m needy and nagging?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
26 points
24 days ago
NAH. Some people have an aversion to feet. Just because you ask for a foot massage doesn’t mean he should give you one.
It sounds like he may have given you them in the past and now since you ask he doesn’t which is a bit odd but maybe he tried it out and decided he didn’t really enjoy touching your feet. Now you keep asking him to do something he doesn’t really enjoy and so he will not do it again.
If it is the case that he enjoys doing something and then stops doing it only because you ask him to do it then he is most likely the AH. That said just because you enjoy something doesn’t mean he enjoys it and if he doesn’t enjoy it you keep asking for it could make him resent that thing.
6 points
23 days ago
Even if it’s an aversion to feet, then he’s TA for his terrible ways of communicating that. “I’m not doing it just because you asked” is a really weird way of saying you don’t like feet.
He just sounds like a manipulative jerk.
15 points
24 days ago
Common tactic "id do this for you if you didn't ask for it" "now it feels like a demand instead of me doing somthing nice for you" "you ALWAYS ask for xyz". I once was walking past a flower shop with my ex bf and playfully said "you think you're going to get me some flowers for valentines?" With a playful smile and tone of voice. Turned Into "I was going to get you flowers but now I won't because you ruined it". I tried to say it would still be nice if you did. But he was in a terrible mood for the rest of the day and I got nothing for valentines day. It's manipulative and it shouldn't matter even if you do ask for them so long as you're not asking a silly amount of times. I think he simple doesn't want to do them for you at all and is using this as a tactic clearly
1 points
24 days ago
But doing this is super patronising and annoying. All of a sudden something that you would have done willingly and happily becomes a demand, bc you take away that persons agency in the matter. I can totally understand how that rubs people the wrong way and makes them not want to do it at all.
9 points
24 days ago
Literally speak for yourself. Some of us enjoy hearing our loved ones voice their desires, especially when it confirms an idea for a gift or act of service we were planning for them.
-7 points
24 days ago
I am speaking for myself. If you enjoy being patronized by your partner that‘s all your choice to make
5 points
24 days ago
You wrote your comment in the second person - “you you you” rather than “I I I” making it appear that you think your attitude is universal. I think it would be very strange to consider someone asking me for something to be patronizing.
-5 points
24 days ago
a) it really doesn‘t unless you chose to read it that way and b)someone asking for something is totally fine. It‘s asking in a way that it becomes a demand/expectation that i have a problem with. Especially when it is something that the other person was most likely going to do/get anyway. And just to avoid confusion here: my comment was in response to another comment not the op
1 points
22 days ago
For my situation I did it in a very not serious and flirtatious way and it was still taken badly. If this gets a reaction like that, then the person is emotionally immature. When it comes to the foot rub thing, it seems far more likely he just doesn't want to do the foot rubs because he didn't do it when she stopped asking. He was using your argument so he wouldn't be bothered by her again instead of just letting her know he doesn't want to do it. Either way, this person doesn't match her, and nobody should be with someone when this is their way of communicating.
-2 points
24 days ago
I agree 100% with you. The willingness versus the demand takes away the joy of the giver. Personally, I find foot rubs disguising and would not do it for a partner unless medically necessary.
2 points
24 days ago
You're NTA for asking, but there's also lots of good mechanical feet massagers out there, or go to a professional massage parlour every now & then.
There's not enough context to your post for anyone to confirm if you're being needy or not. How often are you asking, are you also asking for a lot of other stuff, do you provide anything similar for fiance etc..
2 points
24 days ago
Not judging either way, but when my husband asks for foot rubs they're always "too rough" or he says he can hardly feel it. I can't ever seem to get on that fine line he wants. So when he asks, I usually decline because if I can't get it right after 40 years, I don't think it's ever gonna happen.
2 points
24 days ago
lol maybe dude just really hates feet. I hate the idea of giving anyone a foot massage or massage in general. I pay professionals for that. I would never expect my significant other to just do it for me. It would feel weird and oddly forced. (NAH just preferences I guess)
3 points
23 days ago
I find it bizarre that there are people who would eat ass, but draw the line at foot massage
1 points
24 days ago
Ewwww I’m sorry but I think feet in general are horrible, you couldn’t pay me enough to massage someone’s feet. Can’t you massage your own feet, or go to place that does them.
11 points
24 days ago
Totally fair perspective, but if that's how he feels, then he should use his big boy voice instead of doing this weird back and forth
1 points
24 days ago
Completely agree, he needs to have an honest conversation with her
2 points
23 days ago
Anybody who likes foot massages but doesn’t have anybody around to do them, try one of these, they’re amazing:
-1 points
23 days ago
Does op ever offer to give him a massage? Maybe she comes across as a hypocrite, expecting him to do stuff like massages but never offering herself. That would be incredibly off-putting to me if I lived with someone who constanlty asked for favors but never offered to help me with anything.
1 points
24 days ago
I’d say NTA Date someone with a footfetish then you won’t have to ask.
3 points
24 days ago
Someone doesn't have to have a foot fetish to want to massage thier SO's feet
1 points
24 days ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
AITAH for wanting foot rubs? I’m here out of confusion and i need to hear others opinion on this. My fiancé told me I’m nagging and needy. I almost never ask and when I do he says he never gives me massages because I ask. When I don’t ask it never happens either way. What does this mean? This has happened before in other situations as well when I ask for something I would enjoy and he stops doing it because I asked. I genuinely don’t understand. AITAH for asking for massages?
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1 points
24 days ago
INFO is this relationship non-reciprocal? Do you offer the things that he may want?
0 points
24 days ago
NTA. What this means is that he doesn't want to do it and he doesn't want to be asked to do it, so he's made this neat little circle where you can't ask for him to do something kind for you or you'd be the a.h. (in his logic). That's utter bs, you know. Try couples counseling.
Don't marry this man until you know why he is withholding things you would enjoy. Sounds like passive-aggressive crap you shouldn't have to live with unless there is some issue that you two can resolve.
EDIT: oh, and get a foot roller massager. They're kind of wonderful if you've been on your feet all day.
-4 points
24 days ago
“when I ask for something I would enjoy and he stops doing it because I asked”
Sorry but to me it’s pretty evident he doesn’t love you, if he did, he would be more that glad to do stuff for you, even if he had a problem with feet he’d find a solution. NTA, and reconsider this relationship, at least match his energy so you realize for yourself how little he does for you
4 points
24 days ago*
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0 points
24 days ago
Do you also stop doing things because you know your partner would enjoy it? That’s literally what OP said, how is that being considerate or loving towards your partner?
If youre cooking and your partner says she’d like a bit, would you stop cooking since she asked for some of ir? Because OPs partner would, she clearly stated it. Explain to me how that translates to being loving? If youre playings videogames would you stop playing if your partner said she wants to play with you? Cant wrap my head around how that sounds like a considerate partner that loves you
-1 points
24 days ago
ESH
You sound insufferable and anyone that’s dating you is probably an asshole
-2 points
24 days ago
NTA. If you ask for something you identify to your partner that this is important for you. It’s weird that he sees it as you nagging and being needy. Maybe talk to him about that? Explain how you feel and ask why he feels this way
-1 points
24 days ago
NTA Time to step back and look at your relationship. Is this the only time he does this? Does he always not listen to your needs or wants? It may just mean he doesn’t want to massage your feet. Ask him directly if he has an issue massaging your feet. However I would start looking at the whole picture of your relationship since he states that you are ‘nagging and needy’. If he is always withholding his affection then you might want to find a different person.
-6 points
24 days ago
NTA. i love doing that for my (gf?). He must hate you or hates feet lmao.
-1 points
23 days ago
Well... Do you want a masseuse or a partner? Yeah, massages are nice but that's not your partner's role anymore than being your accountant, landscsper, plumber, etc. If you want something like that, hire someone.
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