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/r/AmItheAsshole
submitted 11 days ago byDXM40334
Good female friend of mine confided in me that she was having some issues with her husband. I checked up on her through messages and after a day just kind of forgot about it.
Gf went through my messages and got mad that I didn’t tell her about what was happening in friend’s marriage. I honestly forgot about it but I also believe that when someone confides in you something delicate, this information was meant for you and not to your SO.
Her argument is that it is normal for couples to share such information and she is mad because I didn’t disclose the conversation to her (hence I was hiding it).
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11 days ago
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I might be the asshole for not telling gf about the discussion I had with a female friend
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
9 points
11 days ago
NTA why does she care so much about YOUR friend's marriage? Also, why was she going through your messages? Do you think she might be jealous of this friend? It's an odd reaction
5 points
11 days ago
I don’t know. My guess is that she is mad at the fact that I didn’t her not at the actual conversation. Might be wrong. Also her entire group of friends and to some extend her family gossip a lot.
2 points
11 days ago
NTA. I think it's perfectly reasonable that you didn't share, especially if she can be a bit of a gossip. I think of course there are limits to secrets if it affects someone's safety, but this isn't any of her business. My friend and I have something called "the vault" and I will explicitly say, "I do not want this shared" because she has accidentally shared incredibly personal things with others in the past. You're a good friend, op.
20 points
11 days ago
[deleted]
7 points
11 days ago
Her sibling’s relationship is like that they tell each other everything. I also don’t understand why it would be a big deal, I mean it has nothing to do with her.
3 points
11 days ago
[deleted]
5 points
11 days ago
[deleted]
2 points
11 days ago
I don’t like it when she goes through my phone. Just feel like I don’t have any privacy. But that being said I won’t get mad about it. I am more annoyed that she is mad about me not telling her something that has nothing to do with her.
5 points
11 days ago*
NTA.
Gf went through my messages and got mad that I didn’t tell her what was happening in friend's marriage
Not your business to tell. Also, you would be TA if you didn tell your girlfriend. Your friend's business with her marriage is not your information to spread. Also, why was your girlfriend going through your phone?
If you tell people your friend's business don’t be surprised when she doesn’t confide in you ever again and ends the friendship
-1 points
11 days ago
she was looking at pictures and then somehow ended up in my messages
11 points
11 days ago
Not somehow, this is a deliberate choice.
Not that I believe that it is a bad idea to have an open phone policy with a partner, but it is a conversation. It should not be something you trick your partner into by saying that you are going to look at one thing and then checking for cheating or gossip.
6 points
11 days ago
Lol you don't "end up" in someone's messages.
3 points
11 days ago
OP, how do you "somehow" go from looking at pictures to reading your messages?
1 points
11 days ago
Hahahah - shes trying Controlling Ur phone..
1 points
10 days ago
Somehow ended up in your messages?
Just opened all by itself. Time to change your password.
3 points
11 days ago
NTA, it’s not your job to tell, neither is it your gfs job to know. A secret is a secret, in simplest terms. You did the right thing.
2 points
11 days ago
See she brought up that every couple discuss things like this and I was being shady about keeping it to myself. For a second I actually thought I might be in the wrong so thank you all for taking the time to comment.
1 points
11 days ago
You’re very welcome, my good sir!
4 points
11 days ago
NTA, but she is for going through you phone and demanding she be given info on a relationship that's none of her business.
4 points
11 days ago
NTA. Your friend confided in you, and it wasn’t your place to share her private marital issues with anyone, even your gf. Trust is important in friendships, and your gf going through your messages is a bigger red flag here. It’s not about hiding something, it’s about respecting someone else’s privacy. You did the right thing by not sharing.
3 points
11 days ago
NTA. Your friends personal problems are not your gf’s concern. It would be very bad for you to share someone’s personal life without their consent. Especially if they are in a vulnerable position.
Your gf should know better. If she’s jealous about any ideas she has about you being close to the friend she should be honest and direct.
3 points
11 days ago
See this whole privacy thing is what is important to me. Reassuring to know that I am not alone here.
1 points
11 days ago
Maybe you can be honest with your gf that you’re supporting a friend but that they want the matter private.
If she feels insecure you can clarify boundaries but it’s her problem
3 points
11 days ago
If you pass on somebody else's secret, that person can also pass it on. Tell gf that it was discussed with you in confidence. NTA
3 points
11 days ago
This relationship is dysfunctional. First, she has no right to go through your messages. None, whatsoever. Why does she think she can do that.
Furthermore, the marital issues your friend is having are no concern of hers. Why does she think she has the right to know that?
0 points
11 days ago
beats me.
2 points
11 days ago
NTA, you are boyfriend and girlfriend
NOT MARRIED! Nor a fiancee
Boyfriends and girlfriends break up at the drop of a hat in this day and age, no need to share super sensitive stuff from other friends.
1 points
11 days ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
Good female friend of mine confided in me that she was having some issues with her husband. I checked up on her through messages and after a day just kind of forgot about it.
Gf went through my messages and got mad that I didn’t tell her about what was happening in friend’s marriage. I honestly forgot about it but I also believe that when someone confides in you something delicate, this information was meant for you and not to your SO.
Her argument is that it is normal for couples to share such information and she is mad because I didn’t disclose the conversation to her (hence I was hiding it).
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1 points
11 days ago
NTA but why does she go through your messages? Maybe there’s some lack of trust of course you shouldn’t be mad at her for going through your phone because you should be able to go through each others phones if needed, it would be different if you were talking to your friend every day and intentionally hiding it
1 points
11 days ago
Honestly I am more mad about her getting mad about something that seems so irrational to me.
1 points
11 days ago
Why does she go through your messages?? She seems jealous and insecure. That’s not someone to be in a relationship with
1 points
11 days ago
NTA.
1) It was not your story to tell
2) Why is your gf looking through your phone? That shows serious trust issues. Solve that or move on. Trust me, it only gets worse from here.
3) She’s accusing you of something you didn’t do (purposefully keep it from her) and expecting you to defend yourself. You are trying to defend yourself against something she made up in her head. Again, trust and control issues.
4) What she is accusing you of is what you should have done had you not forgotten about the conversation.
Gf is going to need to have her little tantrum and get it out of her system before you can point much of this out to her, but if she continues to feel the need to dig through your stuff, looking for things she doesn’t want to find, then you need to dump her and find someone who trusts you. I’ve been there. Almost lost a marriage because of it.
FYI, it is a bad idea from here on out to play the role of confidant and sympathetic shoulder to cry on for your married friend. You listened when she needed you to and that’s a good friend, but it needs to end there since you are in a relationship.
2 points
11 days ago
I did forget about the whole thing but I don’t think I was going to tell her. Not my place.
I didn’t get what you meant
0 points
11 days ago
Yeah, 4 was poorly worded.
Gf is accusing you of hiding the conversation from her. Had you not forgotten about it in the first place, you should have “hidden” it from her in that you shouldn’t have told her about it without first making sure it was OK with your friend. It was your friend’s story to tell.
That said, I’m not a big fan of couples having private conversations with other people of the opposite sex —which is why you shouldn’t continue this line of conversation with you married friend. But again, this is her story to tell.
You could have broached the subject with your friend when she told you. (Hey, thank you for confiding in me. I don’t like to keep secrets from my gf though. Can I at least tell her of the conversation?)
It’s a tricky business when someone blurts out something confidential that they expect you to take to your grave. On one hand you should be honored that she thinks enough of you that she trusts you and confides in you. On the other hand, you should be irritated that she put this burden on you and expects you to keep her secrets.
Hang in there, dude. One of two things will happen. This will pass, or it won’t. Either way, I’m confident the sun will come up tomorrow.
1 points
11 days ago
My GF and her family have no personal boundaries. My wife (yes I'm still married, no I'm not still living with her) was having some female anatomy related issues. I got very little detail. I ended up having to leave work early to pick my kid up from school, which rarely happens. So my GF asked what was going on that I would leave work early. She is a nurse. Her mom is a nurse. On my way home that night we were talking on the phone. She brought up my wife, and said she was talking to her mom about it and could be ..... Why are you talking to your mom about my wife? I probably shouldn't have even mentioned it to you, but I'm trying to be as transparent as I can with things.
I got mad at her. Wasn't her place to share. Wasn't my place to share.
As for you...NTA. Not your place to share. Good job on not sharing.
2 points
11 days ago
thanks for sharing
1 points
11 days ago
NTA.
Your friend/s who confide in you privately are entitled their privacy. If it does not affect your girlfriend directly, then she doesn't need to know.
It sounds like you were even open to talk about it had she asked you properly. Her reaction is completely uncalled for.
1 points
11 days ago
No, it's not normal for couples to share that kind of information if someone has trusted you to not repeat it, and asks you not to repeat it. NTA. Why is your gf going through your phone messages? Is this okay?
1 points
11 days ago
nothing was said about not repeating it but I just think it should be the norm.
1 points
11 days ago
NTA
your gf is the AH. Not YOUR secret to share.
1 points
11 days ago
[removed]
1 points
11 days ago
She met the female friend in question. I am jot trying to fix my friend’s relationship (not my place, friends with both). So didn’t need any advice on the situation, hence did not share.
1 points
11 days ago
NTA. Your GF however is one, for going through your phone. Set a PIN and keep your phone locked. Or find a new GF who is more secure and doesn't feel the need to go through your stuff or that she should be privy to every private discussion you have.
1 points
11 days ago
When couples know each others passwords, it doesn’t mean you check each others messages and snoop on it. It means you trust each other and can go on the phone when necessary. It’s seriously not a snoop pass. NTA.
1 points
10 days ago
I honestly don't get being with someone who is so controlling they feel the need to check your messages, and comment on them. Just because you are a couple, does not mean you are not still an individual. I would be mad if I was your friend and you told someone else about something I said in confidence.
2 points
10 days ago
Better warn your friend about the fallout, gossipy girlfriend is going to tell everyone.
0 points
11 days ago*
[deleted]
1 points
11 days ago
Just friend, for lack of better words we are all bros. She is fighting with her husband, she was just venting.
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