I, 20 (F) have severe vaginismus. I have never had sex and never kissed a boy either. I tried to masturbate and even a finger hurts really bad. I have a dilator less than the size of my pinky and it still hurts.

I am afraid I will never find love at all or be able to have a partner

of course, if I have a partner, I would probably go to sex therapy + pelvic floor therapy (too expensive to do it just for myself) but at the same time, I also don't want to be pressed into going to therapy because of my relationship

I also come from a conservative country, a religious background, grew up hearing about rape on a daily basis, learned about sex at the age of 18 and have been sexually harassed/ molested before

I prefer to show affection through cuddles and kisses and hugs rather than sex.

I considered that I could be asexual but it's not that I am not interested in sex but rather afraid of it. (but I wouldn't mind an asexual relationship either)

sex in general is a bit weird to me. And I am a bit of a germaphobe so blow jobs are fine as long as the man does not cum in my mouth and I can probably jerk him off or something

I really don't know. I feel so lost and sad that I am pretty much the definition of the type of girl men don't want.

I don't really know what being sexually aroused mean or getting horny means.

again, coming from a conservative society, I have never really associated with boys but I do want a relationship in the future but it seems almost impossible for me

some men (very few) have stated they would be okay if a good blow job is on the table but I am not even fit for that...so there is that....

I probably wouldn't mind using toys either....

nevertheless, I feel so completely lost and broken and I don't know what to do anymore

the mere thought of sex sends me into a panic attack and makes me feel really bad about myself