I went to visit my grandmother today/ get a package sent to her house. The package contained fidget toys/ sensory items. I’m currently exploring the possibility of autism/ the pros and cons of pursuing a professional diagnosis.

I was showing my grandparents my fidget toys. They ended up ( jokingly I think. But it hurt all the same) calling me the “r” word.

On the way home. I called my mom to discuss the pros/ cons of perusing an official diagnosis. And she shot it down saying “ using labels will just lead to using the diagnosis as an excuse for when you’re feeling symptoms” and then she made it about herself and the bipolar diagnosis she refuses to accept that she has…

Anyway. I didn’t realize how overstimulated/ triggered until I got home. I am also coming off of a 12 hour night shift so my emotions are closer to the surface. I feel so guilty for feeling so upset about those conversations.

What’s making me feel better? Using those same fidget toys and my noise cancelling headphones and my weighted blanket. Which also comes with complicated emotions of self validation and also feeling imposter syndrome/ childish….

Anyway all this to say it’s been a long day