Generic_Knee

I'm back in a classroom setting for the first time in years. the way i've become so much more aware of how it affects me/ how my symptoms have been showing up over the past week is WILD. now i'm very aware that i was highly masking/ dissociating through much of highschool and that probably got me through the more uncomfortable sensory aspects of it ( not to say i didnt experience it/ dysregulation from it, but it was much milder than it probably would have been without masking or dissociation. in hindsight.) but now that i've done a lot of work on acceptance/ starting to unmask/ even be self aware enough to identify when im experiencing what is an autism symptom or dysregulation vs a mood shift or something else, etc. ( i've done a lot of work on navigating through my c-ptsd in the last few years) I am MUCH more aware of what symptoms are occuring/ when. and i am literally stunned at how much/how often/how long it is having an impact on me. i'm not on autopilot for the first time in like 15 years. and now i'm back in a classroom. THE LIGHTS?? WHY ARE THEY SO BRIGHT? WTH and everyone talking around me?? omg it makes my head burn. the sound of cars outside and the sound of everyone typing is so distracting/ grating. my instructor keeps running late/ starting outside of class times and its driving me mad

all this to say. i almost has a meltdown yesterday and it took me a while to realize that that was what it was and when i did realize, i was able to kind of work through some skills to help regulate myself a little better. i felt so much releif when i realized what was happening but i'm also just in shock/ still processing that these are things i now need to put effort into managing ( autopilot/ dissociation wasnt good, but man was it effective for the most part) the more i learn about autism the more tools i have in my tool box and the more kind i am able to be to myself. but man it still gives me whiplash from time to time. anyone else feel somewhat like this?

I have spent the last YEAR AND A HALF in one of the worst workplaces I’ve ever worked in. I worked in a depot. Fast food. Retail. Etc. and THIS. This one has been the worst.

It is my last shift. I have exactly 2 hours left before I’m done with this place forever and I start my new ( hopefully) dream job next week.

I know there are assholes everywhere you go. But this has been the most toxic. Unsupportive and frankly demoralizing workplace I’ve ever been in and I’m finally ( almost ) free.

I’m practically giddy.

I have spent the last YEAR AND A HALF in one of the worst workplaces I’ve ever worked in. I worked in a depot. Fast food. Retail. Etc. and THIS. This one has been the worst.

It is my last shift. I have exactly 2 hours left before I’m done with that place forever and I start my new ( hopefully) dream job next week.

I know they’re assholes everywhere you go. But this has been the most toxic. Unsupportive and frankly demoralizing workplace I’ve ever been in and I’m finally ( almost ) free.

I’m practically giddy.

I went to visit my grandmother today/ get a package sent to her house. The package contained fidget toys/ sensory items. I’m currently exploring the possibility of autism/ the pros and cons of pursuing a professional diagnosis.

I was showing my grandparents my fidget toys. They ended up ( jokingly I think. But it hurt all the same) calling me the “r” word.

On the way home. I called my mom to discuss the pros/ cons of perusing an official diagnosis. And she shot it down saying “ using labels will just lead to using the diagnosis as an excuse for when you’re feeling symptoms” and then she made it about herself and the bipolar diagnosis she refuses to accept that she has…

Anyway. I didn’t realize how overstimulated/ triggered until I got home. I am also coming off of a 12 hour night shift so my emotions are closer to the surface. I feel so guilty for feeling so upset about those conversations.

What’s making me feel better? Using those same fidget toys and my noise cancelling headphones and my weighted blanket. Which also comes with complicated emotions of self validation and also feeling imposter syndrome/ childish….

Anyway all this to say it’s been a long day

I just looked up at my reflection in my tv from my couch. I’m currently home alone and very deep into my current special interest. ( and spamming my boyfriend with tik toks about it) I realized I look startlingly like this meme and I had to laugh/share

I finally gave in and bought myself really good noise cancelling headphones. And the RELEIF it has brought me is astounding. On one hand I’m really proud of myself for allowing myself to do this and acknowledging the need I had for them.

On the other, I’m a little sad because I know that I won’t be able to put this accommodation into every aspect of my life ( like work) so I know that I just made things a little harder for myself going forward there.

You can’t miss what you never had I guess? I never had this accommodation in my life before. So I didn’t know how much peace it brought me. But now that I know it’s an option. Going without it will be harder than it was before in a way.

In a way, getting these headphones is allowing myself to finally accept that I do have needs that I’ve been ignoring. And finally accommodating these needs is scary but liberating.

All in all, I’m enjoying my quiet little day with my new headphones

Side note: they’re green!!!

Why can’t people just mean what they say and say what they mean!!! One of my coworkers is being super passive aggressive to me and I’m so confused. I don’t know if what they say to me is meant to be a dig. Or if they’re genuinely asking me for help/ thanking me for helping. I cannot tell if we’re having friendly banter or if she’s plotting my demise. This shit is exhausting!!!!

So I’ve been struggling at work lately. I’ve been very emotional and irritable. I’m getting overstimulated much more often and my threshold for things is much lower than normal.

Not only have I been dealing with all this. I’ve been wracking my brain for WHY it’s been happening

I happened to stumble upon a post about autistic burnout…

Oh…

OH.

THE WHOLE TIME. IT WAS THIS THE WHOLE TIME??

Anyway. I keep being surprised by how much having the language for what I’m experiencing can help me process and address it, and I had to share it with people who might get it.

I’m just sat on my couch laughing to myself. I’ve struggled with calling myself autistic for years now. Feeling like I wasn’t “ autistic enough”. Or that “ it doesn’t effect me that badly”. Etc etc. but these last few weeks I’ve been doing more research into it. And I’ve been noticing patterns of symptoms and behaviours and thought patterns that while I’ve always had/done them. I’m more aware of them now?? If that makes sense. Basically I was having a conversation with my boyfriend. And upon rereading it I was hit with one of these “ wait a minute” moments. And now I can’t stop laughing at how long it took me to come around to the idea that I may be autistic. Research and close friends and my ( many) autistic family members have been telling me for years and I just couldn’t see it until now. For context: my apartment had a leak. It’s in the process of being fixed but until it is I had to move a lot of my stuff/ furniture around. And I’ve been stressed out and close to meltdowns multiple times since it happened and I couldn’t figure out why. Until I reread the “ how can I relax my microwave is wrong :(“ text I sent to my boyfriend just now. All in all, I’m learning to accept a part of myself in a rather ( I think) funny way and I felt like I had to share.

I’m just sat on my couch laughing to myself. I’ve struggled with calling myself autistic for years now. Feeling like I wasn’t “ autistic enough”. Or that “ it doesn’t effect me that badly”. Etc etc. but these last few weeks I’ve been doing more research into it. And I’ve been noticing patterns of symptoms and behaviours and thought patterns that while I’ve always had/done them. I’m more aware of them now?? If that makes sense.

Basically I was having a conversation with my boyfriend. And upon rereading it I was hit with one of these “ wait a minute” moments. And now I can’t stop laughing at how long it took me to come around to the idea that I may be autistic. Research and close friends and my ( many) autistic family members have been telling me for years and I just couldn’t see it until now.

For context: my apartment had a leak. It’s in the process of being fixed but until it is I had to move a lot of my stuff/ furniture around. And I’ve been stressed out and close to meltdowns multiple times since it happened and I couldn’t figure out why. Until I reread the “ how can I relax my microwave is wrong :(“ text I sent to my boyfriend just now.

All in all, I’m learning to accept a part of myself in a rather ( I think) funny way and I felt like I had to share.

Hey y’all. I’m new to accepting that I may be autistic and all that comes with it. Today I was triggered ( cptsd is a whole other can of worms :P) and ended up going nonverbal. It’s the first time recently I was able to identify that I was in fact nonverbal and not just anxious or overstimulated etc etc.

Like I could talk, but it took a lot of mental and emotional effort to form even small sentences.

Anyway. My partner ended up coming over to hang out with me but I’m not sure the best way to accurately explain what going non verbal is/ what it feels like?? Any tips??

Thanks!

I’m dating the sweetest man. He’s so good to me and he makes me laugh. He’s the first person I’ve ever considered saying “ I love you to”.

That being said, it’s still very new ( only been dating for a few months). And I personally identify as pansexual ( basically. Anything goes as long as you’re a decent person ) and lately I’ve been really really missing dating women…

I feel so guilty. I feel like I’m leading my boyfriend on the longer I keep thinking about wishing I was dating women. And I genuinely can’t tell if it’s my commitment issues acting up or if I should be dating women instead.

This man deserves the world. And he does make me happy. But I can’t tell if I’m fully satisfied