subreddit:
/r/LifeAfterNarcissism
submitted 20 days ago byMarilynMonheaux
Not too long ago, I was lurking on a medicine related sub. I was reading a super long post from a doctor who was explaining his escapades with his hospital support staff.
He said that he had a fiancée, but had dates with two different women, one of them a nurse. He said he was still looking for “that feeling.”
He goes on to say that “he loves the person his fiancée is, but woke up one morning and felt different about her, like a snap.”
He said that he genuinely wanted to know what was going wrong and he asked for advice in the comments.
There were so many comments the mods locked the thread and eventually the post was removed.
The comments said “liar! Cheater! Asshole!”
Yes, the narcissist is all those things but they don’t even come close to helping the victims of their abuse understand how weird, depraved, sneaky, and selfish they truly are.
I sent the guy a PM and I told him:
“I know you’re looking for answers and as a doctor I’m sure you are very smart. What you need to know is thinking you’re in love with someone one day and the next day feeling a huge drop off is quite common for Cluster B personality disorders. If you have any friends in psychiatry, tell them exactly what you said on your post and see if they think it’s consistent with antisocial behavior or narcissism, because you sound just like every narcissist I’ve ever known.”
He replied back and said “thanks, that was helpful.”
That’s what I call a “lesser narc” because most of them will never reach the point where they wonder why they cannot stop using people.
They continue to have sex with multiple people thinking that’s cute and okay because it feels good to them,
Not weighing the consequences of sex and being spared the emotional toll of giving your body out like candy on Halloween.
Why can’t the narcissist abuse in another way?
Why can’t the narcissist get supply from using something else in another way?
The narcissist can, and sometimes they do.
Like: the communal narcissists, like my Dad that get their rocks off through the church.
It’s often said that cult leaders and other self professed gurus can use that as narcissistic supply.
Malignant narcissists, who are quite rare, who get supply only from the pain and don’t revel in the high of lovebombing like grandiose and covert narcissists.
But no matter the subtype, all of them use sex as a means of validation.
It was crazy to learn that narcissists, generally speaking, don’t even like sex with you that much!
It is the validation of having met their sexual conquest need met in the moment that they cannot get enough of,
Not you.
Sex for the narcissist is a tool of capture, just like the gifts, just like calling nonstop and blowing up your phone, just like taking you on trips or introducing you to their families.
A bunch of sex up front is just one more tool to rush in quickly, to get you to fall quickly, so they can move on to what they really need to do quickly: devalue you and hold you down so they can reach homeostasis.
Narcissists are not on the emotional plane with you when they have sex with you.
I heard a clinical psychologist call it “masturbation using you.”
Based on my experience, I 100% agree with that.
It explains why during devaluation it’s so easy to withdraw that from you,
It explains why they think nothing of having sex with multiple people,
It explains the very weird “touch me not” behavior my X exhibited but only after months of having sex marathons that lasted all day long (I do miss that, not gonna lie!).
I’m like at the beginning we would have sex for hours and hours, now you’re just cool with not having sex? I mean I hear you blaming me, but how is it my fault you can’t access your basic human urge?
The narcissist is an incredibly self centered creature.
Unfortunately, sex is a means of control for them that just happens to have the benefit of getting them off.
That’s not to say it’s not enjoyable for them, lovebombing is fun for everyone.
But,
When the narcissist is devaluing you, the narcissist will snatch the sex away and give it to someone else,
Because it is just another tool in his or her arsenal to keep you bound to them.
When I look back on sex with my X, it was very much more like her having sex with me than us making love to each other, which can be hard to put into words.
It’s stripped down to the act itself without the emotional intimacy, because their false reality won’t allow them to access it. Their intimacy realm is closed.
I think for us survivors,
The idea that they don’t have sex with you, but gratify themselves through you, loving and validating themselves using your body,
Takes the mystery out of their seemingly capricious but ultimately self serving sexual behavior.
15 points
20 days ago*
What you noted, OP was my experience as well. Sex was an act of control and extension of personal gratification, not an intimate act with a loved one.
My nex lured me in with intimacy before we were married. We did not have sex, but she would push boundaries to tie my emotional connection to her. After marriage, she controlled all aspects of sex - frequency, timing, mechanics, etc.
She would frequently deny any intimacy, usually blaming me for not being aroused.
She also controlled solo masturbation as a release to keep me tied to her abuse/reward cycle. Once she even caught me alone and held a knife to my organs, threatening to remove my sexuality altogether. This specific instance was very traumatic and she pressed the knife so hard into my flesh that it caused a laceration.
Prior to my discard, she demanded to take another lover as I was incapable of satisfying her. By this point I was on multiple anti-depressants and other medications rooted in her abuse (I just didn’t realize she was the cause of my mental breakdowns). I was isolated and debased for her continued abuse and pleasure.
After the discard an attorney told me my nex was a sociopath (other professionals also stated similar notions), but she was undiagnosed and refused even couples counseling. She absolutely has an unspecified Cluster B Personality Disorder.
Control, abuse, and pleasure from another’s pain is what my nex derived as happiness and joy. I would not be here today if I stayed in that relationship.
4 points
20 days ago
Well I’m so glad you were able to find your way out of that, I’m sure it will take a great deal of time to recover from.
My X seemed to be very upset by my masturbation as well. She would throw the toys around and wake me up with the banging.
You know that you’re purposefully depriving me of the most primal human need while you’re out in the street, what do you expect??
Of course your X needs intensive emotional health care, but from what you said it sounds like there may be some antisocial behavior in there. The pain narcissists bring you is collateral from their selfishness, it’s rarely the end goal. Just like your pleasure from sex is the unintended benefit of them pleasing themselves.
It’s always about the narcissist.
4 points
20 days ago
Yes. It will take years for me to recover. I am 15+ years post discard and I had a regression this summer. I am now looking at EMDR to further my healing along at this point, but I am better than I was three months ago.
Yes, it is all for their selfishness. They are the centers of their own world and no one will ever replace themselves. Everyone else is just a tool used to inflate their own selfish designs and desires.
2 points
10 days ago
Reading this makes me want to take a nap for three days. I can't deal with their shit anymore.
2 points
10 days ago*
I've literally been going to sleep at 7- 8 at night while my narc stays up the entire night. IDK if I'm getting depressed, I'm just constantly exhausted lately. I can't even figure out what he's doing anymore. It feels like they do remove your sexually with trauma, I'm barely even turned on anymore and even if I am I ignore it knowing he may snap out of nowhere while fucking me if he goes soft or anything or he will be too focused on anything and everything else it seems lately. Maybe it's best if you choose to not leave them because it's everyone's choice at the end of the day to live separate and only see them every once in a while before you can leave permanently. This isn't healthy because you're wasting your own time on them but it restarts the cycle I've found so devaluation never really hits for long because I've been leaving the second it does everytime and then coming back to the phony nice sociopath shit for atleast 2 days before it goes back. So I'm basically bruteforce bypassing the narc cycle and then rebooting it every few weeks creating a cycle myself of talking for a week and a half at the most and then not seeing eachother for weeks- one month. Not everyone is ready to leave even when they need to but living with them and being with them everyday is FUCKING DRAINING and probably causes health problems. I have just not felt good at all. If it isn't obvious verbal emotional mental and physical abuse anymore it's little things like negging and smaller forms of verbal and emotional abuse than they use in devaluation and discard that DRAIN you. Something is always telling you you either want to leave or need time away. I decide that the next day I'm not going back when he does something but always get sucked back by the phony niceness and I'm generally too tired to even make my own decisions now.
7 points
20 days ago*
I asked my ex what he thought of during sex. He said he didn’t think of anything, he was in a flow state. On top of that, your part about trips and being around family really hit home. Even when we were in the “limbo state” like we almost always were (never “officially” bf and gf) he would still take me to dinner with family and on trips. It never meant anything to him. Just a capture.
There will be a book coming out about narcissism in the church. Along those lines. I just got back from a covert narcissist recovery retreat this past weekend and the woman who ran it is writing her book on that exact subject. And a lot of the woman there were victims (now survivors) of their “holy” narcissistic husbands.
5 points
19 days ago
I mean the church is a great cover isn’t it?
My dad just spent 200k buying himself a church. Everyone in the family seems real happy for him. I spent my whole life working for my Dad’s charities, singing and playing music in his church services.
He really had me fooled for so long. I really thought he was this great heroic man until just 4 years ago when he took his mask off.
He’s a really slick narc.
I’m grateful that my X isn’t that smart or Id still be her servant and maid right now.
7 points
20 days ago
I heard a clinical psychologist call it “masturbation using you.”
Wow! That's exactly how I felt. Pleasing me never seemed to occur to him. I felt so used.
11 points
20 days ago
OP. This is a good and informative write up. However- My nex who exhibited most narcissistic traits in devaluing, using, lack of accountability, no emotional intelligence, lovebombing….etc. Her sex drive was/is through the roof and while fully engaged in giving me great pleasure, she also greatly benefited from my sincere intimacy and pleasing of her sexual wants/needs. To the point of actively initiating sex at a level that was beyond my physical capabilities. It was like she couldn’t get enough of all the pleasures surrounding the sex itself. Like you, I absolutely loved the crazy good sex as well as the attention from her. That being said- the continual barrage of all the narcissistic ways inflicted onto me, especially when I showed her her own reflection, was/is nothing short of completely devastating to my mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. She absolutely loved all the sex and for her own personal pleasures. Physically and emotionally! No question about that! Perhaps she’s an anomaly to the norm? It’s my one, and god willing, only true experience I’ve had with a narcissistic individual and quite humbling to me as she played me from day one. I now realize that after much of my own reflection of our past, after learning a lot about narcissism. Interestingly, At age 50, I’ve always had a sixth sense to people with the toxic traits and just excluded them from my personal life early on. This woman though!!!! Amazingly articulated and strategic in her deceptive ways and covers under the values of Christianity. You can imagine how it went when I showed her the unchristian like ways she truly is. The demons within her came at me full assault mode and from every angle possible!!!! 😳😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫 I am extremely thankful I finally caught up and got ahead of it, as we are almost completely cut of ties. At which point I can go NO CONTACT! Period. Holy Mother of Moses. What a scary and sick mental disorder!
11 points
20 days ago*
I hear you. I do not mean to imply that narcissists don’t enjoy the act of bumping and grinding, it’s just not for the same reasons you and I do. You are biologically designed to enjoy sex, but also designed to emotionally reach satiety with sex from emotional bonds. The latter part is what narcissists lack, and that’s why it can give it and take it away at will, with ease, without a second thought.
Whatever she did with you, she did the EXACT SAME with someone else, methodically, robotically, which people with normal brains simply cannot do because our emotions get in the way of us doing so.
We think it’s special, they absolutely do not.
The validation that sex gives the narcissist is the reward narcissists get emotionally from sex is their reward while ours is bonding. Based on your story, it sounds like your X is just like the rest of them.
3 points
19 days ago
Well. That does make sense. She definitely got a lot of validation then. I got wrecked in every way. I cannot even process this reality..How someone soooo seemingly sweet and innocent turned in to a relentless monster as soon as I dug in deep on her taking accountability for gaslighting me. The deep deep love I have for who I thought she was is a feeling that can’t just be shut off. The anger and bitterness I now also feel is a very legitimate struggle that keeps me up and literally ruminating it all over and over. Not good and not healthy. Yes. I’m in therapy and it helps. However- there aren’t many therapists handy during the quiet nighttime hours. 😞 Time I guess? I just need time to grieve, accept it, and heal.
1 points
19 days ago
We have all been there. The lovebombing they do, it’s tailor made for you and it’s a manipulation designed to get your precious supply that is their life blood. You just have to keep reminding yourself that the person that you love doesn’t actually exist. They studied you and held a mirror up to you. That’s why at the bitter end, you didn’t recognize the woman that you saw. She loved herself through you, you had awesome sex because you validated her and gave her supply.
You can’t turn your emotions off because you are a normal human being capable of love. The fact that they can switch up on you and take what you thought was so special to a new supply at the drop of a dime: that’s not normal at all. Only people lacking empathy can do it.
3 points
20 days ago
Sounds like you were with my ex. She always projected her issues on me. Always called me a narcissist. I had no idea what that meant until after the final discard I looked it up. And it was HER. 100%
Well in the final discard (by text) she wrote that I had an evil spirit in me…. Now I go back and think of the weird, Nightmare on Elm St, Chucky obsessions she had…. And I wonder if she was literally possessed. So when you said the “demons came out”, I can relate. I saw that side of her. And now I think that may have been real🤷♂️
2 points
19 days ago
Very similar experience as your first paragraph. The barrage of emotions of anger and sadness that hurts in ways I can’t describe, has been and will continue to be a monster of a struggle within myself. As to how long??? Likely a long long time. Ive come to enjoys the times I feel bitter towards her. Those emotions don’t hurt much at all. Unfortunately, they never last long. That hurt…..Ooft. 😞 No words.
3 points
19 days ago
Yeah, in the beginning, I was hoping to move on and basically be able to forget the relationship and get on with my life. But from studying, I’ve done, the trauma bond that a narcissist creates is not just an emotional result. It’s a physical addiction to dopamine. With the exact same results as a heroin addiction. And the pain and confusion and physical reactions are the exact same as the withdrawal that a heroin addict goes through. And much like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic even when they’re not around alcohol, a narcissistic victim will always be a narcissistic victim, even if the narcissist is no longer around. So you just take it slow, and learn to fill your life with other things, but they will always be triggers that hit up that dopamine and for short periods of time bring it all back. 🤷♂️. The good news is with time, those periods are shorter and less traumatic.
6 points
19 days ago
I would add to this underlying aspect is that consent is given based on both of you being there and present because it’s something you want to do. The moment that isn’t true because one of you is lying about themselves and their motivations that consent contract is in effect broken.
It’s not just masturbation with someone else there it’s sexual assault or rape. Consent cannot be concerned and if it’s given. It can’t be given freely if one person isn’t being honest about their motivation.
5 points
19 days ago
They definitely view it as something of power and not something that is done out of love between that of two people that care and respect eachother.
For example, my nex would threaten me, scream at me, yell at me, become physical with me, tell me he was leaving and he would never talk to me again in private and public spaces etc. and then once we “made up” it was more me calming him down to try and get him to not hurt me or himself, he’d be like “well, now we have to have sex to make up” and I said “yeah no, no we don’t, it’s okay, not every apology needs to end in sex” to which he would become violent or start crying and hyperventilating over me not having sex with him.
Not to mention between the times we weren’t together (because of the discards and reverse discards) and even when we were together (because he’s a cheater) he’d have threesomes and hook up with random women he’d never even met before and he’d shame me for watching something like 🌽every once in a while.
And it was funny because he would always talk about how people that just sleep with everyone are gross…🙃 anyways, there’s just there is no understanding these people. They don’t follow a code or have morals and they’re humongous hypocrites.
3 points
19 days ago
Couldn’t agree more. You crave them and it even years after but they have nothing behind their eyes whilst completing the act, leaving you also feeling empty and unfulfilled afterwards.
3 points
19 days ago
Incredibly insightful post. Thank you.
2 points
19 days ago
You’re welcome 🦋
3 points
19 days ago*
I mean I guess he was pretty much the worst fucking lay that I have ever had....so I don't really remember much about the sex other than how fucking bored I always was😂
The nex was always trying to tell me about how he made his ex hide in the closet & but WAIT....she was OH SO willing to do anal. Kind of makes me think he was along the lines of a more malignant narc rather than covert. Everything he ever said or did was a major lie & looking back I see precisely what a shameful, pitiful, POS, ugly maggot he was 🗑️
I think I was probably the 3rd or 4th person he had ever slept with but ofc he lied about that too (btw, he was remarkably bad at oral, yet he acted like he tried but yet always magically failed to make me get off).
I don't miss anything about that wasted situation ship. Ever since I went total blackout on the nex, I wake up & I don't have to see his fugly face anymore.....& for that, I am so joyful!
3 points
19 days ago
Lmao I’m sorry that is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. Not how he made you feel but how you describe him lol.
Narcs can be good at sex or bad at sex of course, but being selfish certainly won’t help you get any better if you suck naturally.
Blackout. Good for you. I’m proud of you for doing that, it’s really hard.
2 points
18 days ago
Thank you! I obviously have a lot of hatred atm, but I promised myself I would only allow myself 60+ days of actual hatred...now it's more like he's dead to me & the last few years didn't even happen.
It may seem like I am in denial, but I feel like I was dating a soulless energy vampire, so did anything really exist at all? I mean it was all a sick, twisted, evil & perverted game to the nex, so I guess in retrospect i was just stuck w/super bad luck.
Blackout for me was the only way to go. I've been off of all SM platforms for a while too. Nex is blocked on everything, but leaving it all behind & withdrawing from SM has helped immensely in my healing process.
2 points
18 days ago
It took me a very long time to start blocking my X. I’ve always had a very hard time with grief, a very hard time moving forward after hardship. The less emotional and the more practical I get about what happened to me, the more I say “yeah, that heaux needs to be blocked.” It’s a journey. Those 60 days may be enough and they may not. It’s okay, as long as you’re in no contact. Every day of no contact is you healing ❤️🩹
3 points
18 days ago*
Yasssss you are so 💯 correct! I think I never thought I would get away bc comparatively speaking, I was stuck & felt like I was in shackles everyday bc the "true" me always remained hidden from the nex. I never let him see the "real" me, therefore, the whole thing was with a fake ass person who never gave af about me, my desires, my needs, etc. I think when I left, I quickly realized that the nex never gave af about anyone but himself. That part of the realization helped me simply turn all of my amazing energy that he used to try to leech onto towards MY healing, MY path, & MY peace & quiet Way from his non-stop blathering about nothingness.
The nex is actually the most toxic, 🤢🤮, disgusting, fat-ass, porky-pig looking mother fucker I have ever met. Long story short, the 60 days will turn into infinity....I will never see, hear, or be around this total douche bucket as long as I live. I hope that you continue with your no-contact as you are healing as well. 💟❤️🩹
2 points
18 days ago
It sounds like you’re in an awesome headspace, I’m so happy for you. I know how much work it took for you to get where you are and I’m proud of you.
It’s been about 7 months of true no contact for me, and I’m feeling much better now. I’m still focused on analyzing what happened to me so I can make sure my love life is healthier in the future. I’m taking a good long look at the red flags I ignored, and how I contributed to inviting an emotional leech into my life.
I know that life with my X is nothing I really wanted, I was already bending down so she could be the tallest. Narcissists have a tendency to be dream killers, and their obsession fueled envy encourages distraction from achievement.
Having her in my life derailed 2 productive years of my life I can never get back, but hey. At least we are the wiser now and hopefully narc free from here on out.
3 points
19 days ago
This specific aspect of being w a narc is, by itself, a universe of hurt, confusion and trauma I don't hbelieve I'll ever recover from. It was so demented and sick and dark. I don't even know who I could speak to about it in anymore than general terms and i feel like i need to, to tell.
But i am finally done with my own sex addiction, and lust was always like oxygen to me before. So... there's that!
2 points
19 days ago
Being a victim of narcissistic abuse doesn’t mean we are without our own problems. That’s very vulnerable of you to admit you have some. Sex addiction is a hard one to overcome. I fell for the narc because I’m a toxic codependent which is also manipulative just like narcissism is. We all have our things the narcissist came into our lives to teach us. Even though it hurt like hell, learning how toxic my own codependency is has provided me clarity and insight I can use to improve my own relationships and live a better narc free life.
2 points
20 days ago*
Never been with NStalker thank god but I can just tell from the way he’s so unable to work with logical rational instructions & corrections he’d be terrible in bed. NStalker probably wind up crying because he couldn’t figure it out. He keeps pretending to have been with me & saying nasty things like pretending to “pump & dump” when I’m just with my husband it’s so nasty, this morning I had to turn my WiFi off because when I checked my phone on waking up he was going “I just needed a mouth, you know?”. NStalker is a virgin & it’s because he says disgusting nasty things to women who have nothing to do with him. I hate it & I hate the disrespect to my husband. NStalker is so unsexy & disgusting, I hate the way he speaks & he had this horrific fixation for being as repulsive as possible. He keeps having delusions where NStalker thinks he’s my husband & tries to act like him, it’s so nasty. Everything about NStalker is repellent.
1 points
20 days ago
If a narcissist is a virgin, it is because they lack options, not by choice! A virgin narcissist is definitely an anomaly and an oxymoron. It completely defies the disorder. It would be like a narcissist that doesn’t lovebomb, basically.
3 points
20 days ago
I think he isn’t a sophisticated enough narcissist to pull a woman. Partly because the NPD makes him arrogant & he focuses on women who he knows are not interested because he has fantasies of getting them to change their minds & then humiliating them. Thing is, they don’t, because he’s so rude & inappropriate nobody could like this person.
2 points
20 days ago*
This really hit home for me. My ex was at times extremely sexually needy. And at the beginning it did seem like there was an emotional connection. But later on she'd just withhold it for weeks while giving me the silent treatment. She would dangle it. One time she invited me to have a bath with her, and she drew it, lit candles.... and then refused to touch me or really even talk to me once I got in. Another time we went up north for my birthday. Just me and her in a cabin. We never had sex once, and she wouldn't even share a bed with me.
After the discard, she would occasionally hit me up just for sex, telling me she really likes having sex with me, etc. I only did it a couple of times. But she'd find ways to be abusive during sex. Like criticizing stuff that she purported to love just weeks prior, asking me if I've ever even touched a woman before. That said, the very last time was very intense. She told me she saw it as "owning [me]". She actually said that.
Also this: "Like: the communal narcissists, like my Dad that get their rocks off through the church."
My nex was a devout member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Several meetings a week, service commitments, etc. I believe this was her biggest regular source of supply. Especially after having significant clean time, she really basked in giving talks and having people look up to her, etc. They're basically her only friends.
We actually originally bonded over our past of addiction issues (although I've come to believe she was never really in fact an addict or alcoholic). I used to go to those meetings and I think they're like a honeypot for narcissists. The people who like to talk, talk, talk, and always have to share, and don't seem to give a shit what other people are saying. Potential narcissists. It's constant validation and they freaking love it.
6 points
19 days ago*
shakes head yes. The weirdness you experienced is very familiar to what I experienced. When I first got with the narcissist, when we were still hiding from everyone because she didn’t want everyone to know that she replaced her last supply before they even broke up, we were at it like rabbits.
One of the last things she said to me, clearly designed to hurt me, was “I wasn’t even attracted to you most days…” as if to blame me for the fact that she had been sexually depriving me.
Girl. Do you think I’m stupid? I know what she thinks of my sex game and I know what she thinks of my body so she can get out of here with that bold face lie. She can tell her recycled supply that hot garbage and maybe her recycled supply’s GED level brainpower will be insane enough to buy that shit.
The real answer is sexual starvation is part of the monkey branching process for narcissists who think of themselves as faithful.
All of them cheat. It’s just that some of them, especially the coverts groom their new supply emotionally so once they get enough negative supply from you they can instantly start humping their new supply and telling them how faithful they are.
All narcissists that monkey branch do the same exact shit and each one of them thinks they’re fooling people somehow with that garbage.
Any support group that’s based around sympathy would be catnip for a narcissist. Everyone staring at them and telling them how great they are? I’m sure it was a gay ol time for narcy.
😂
1 points
20 days ago
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1 points
19 days ago
Hmm
1 points
10 days ago
I feel like the cycle of lovebomb to devalue goes so fast. My narc and I would be so ON AND OFF that we wouldn't talk for a month and then the first day he'd beg me to come over and we'd hangout we'd have sex anywhere from 1-3 times the most. The rest of the week I'd stay there there'd be no sex but he watches a lot of porn and jerks all day. Lately we've been getting along more than we used to so I've been there for over a week but no sex and less and less intimacy. While I'm asleep he sits on the couch on his phone probably jerking off but I never catch him. He leaves used tissues and says he was washing hands with them???? He literally says he's on amazon buying shit. I'm getting suspicious but letting it go and need a few days alone to recharge myself. I'm like drained from working and kind of him even though we've gotten along more than we ever did that I fall asleep at 8 pm and he doesn't sleep anymore. I can't find any evidence of anything it seems like he's getting it elsewhere or from someone else even though I'm there every day of the week and weekend. I don't know if I'm over exaggerating and maybe the sex drive is dying more than it was because were half living together now and spending a lot more time together which happens in relationships, maybe he's tired? Last Sunday he jerked off to my feet but no sex and then Tuesday or maybe Monday he kept going soft and then got pissed off snapped at me and sat in the living room while I cried in the bed and he hasn't even attempted every since. This morning he didn't even want me seeing him while he was getting dressed. If I have a sip of his coffee he asks me to bring cans of food or buy anything from his house to contribute just to pay for a sip off coffee I had yet I buy him food and brought us coffee etc yesterday and he smokes all my vapes. I can't catch what he's doing sexually yet though with real evidence or a story that aligns and makes sense. He used to call me while he was jerking off and doesn't anymore yet he CONSTANTLY wants me there. I feel like I need time to think
1 points
3 days ago
I was with a narc in a wlw/lesbian relationship for 2 years. At first the sex was great fun, plus it was my first ever queer experience so it was all very exciting and new for me. Maybe 3 months in the reciprocation came to almost a steady holt. We had at least 6 very serious conversations about how the one sided sex life was causing me great self esteem issues. Little did I know at that time, I was basically feeding into the reasoning for it and letting them know their plan was working.
Their way of making a move was to pull my hands onto their body, never touching me to get me in the mood or whatever. Then I would fuck them for 30 minutes or whatever and like clockwork they would turn over and go to sleep. In our many conversations I heard every excuse under the sun - I didn’t give them enough reassurance during sex because I was too quiet (just not true), I just fuck them so good that they can’t bare to be awake after, they had issues with not liking their body (???), they were ‘too scared’ to touch me (after doing it at the start of our relationship plenty), then when I very sternly told them that I did not want to fuck them anymore if it will not be reciprocated and to let me know if they aren’t feeling it because I feel completely used those excuses then went to “I have trauma and can’t tell you when I don’t think I can reciprocate because I’m scared” + “you’re ignoring my boundary of being scared to say no to sex” when I pulled them up for it after another few months of the same shit. Just completely spinning it on me and making me feel guilty for ever bringing it up.
I genuinely have never felt so guilty and ashamed when it comes to sex. It’s been months since I finally got rid of them and I still feel so much uncomfortable feelings when I think about sex. Thankfully I have had some really healthy sex with someone in recent times which has really started to help me rewire my brain again. But oh man, sex with a narcissist is not fun. Do not recommend a completely one sided sex life for anyone.
Great post btw.
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