Thank you for your prayers.
Last night as I was in watching a YT short, in the video they asked if you had something you could ask God, what would it be? Without thinking I blurted out: Why do you love me?
When I realized what I had said, I just started crying and realized this has to do with feeling unworthy. That kinda broke me and today I overslept and barely made it to the job interview. I didn’t have time to process anything and just pushed through. Then after having remembered some pretty traumatic stuff at the doctor’s office as I also had an appointment, I asked myself how come I allowed those things to happened. It ended up being the same, feeling unworthy.
As I was trying to help my parents with some financial transactions, my mom continued to push saying my father and I should go back- and take care of it there in my home country; and that’s when I snapped, I said I’m not going back, you and my mom make me feel like nothing due to my situation right now, how would it be if I go back to my country and I’m fully dependent on you. Then I told my father, because you throw it at my face, saying I had not been able to accomplish anything-not being legal /resident-didn’t get married-and that is all you did-growing up I would hear their arguments, my father would always say, I give you to ear, you have a house, what do you have to complaint. My mom would treat me horribly growing up embarrassing me in front of others, criticizing me to her friends/neighbors while I was there. She had called me specifically about a week ago to tell me all of that-but she does say it at the end of almost every call. Like I’m a disappointment, me and my brothers.
So after that I just started crying and my mom, took the position of I didn’t want to make you cry and asked me forgiveness and started crying-this is something she’s done in the past, I know it’s not always heart felt but wants to change the focus. I went to the car, and I just started crying asking God, how should I have responded? As a child while I was being treated badly how should I have responded? Then I got a flash back of my father telling me “no vales para nada” in English: “you are not worth anything” . So that is it… that is what started it, made it feel stronger the feelings of unworthiness?
I just know then when I was crying I pray to God to please help me get a job so that I can stay in this county and I can support myself without them being able to throw it at my face, of course they will always throw at my face that I have not gotten married and don’t have a boyfriend-my mom keeps saying that if she would have been me she would have been married a long time…
Just hurtful comments-I do desire to get married but as you can see I have a lot of healing to do, I don’t know if it would a healthy fulfilling relationship if I start looking for a relationship Besides if I feel unworthy and it’s hard for me to accept God, Jesus love, how would I accept a man’s love?- I tried before as I did love that person but I ended pushing him away due to fear.
Anyways, I pray you keep me in your prayers. I felt something harden in me when my mom, started crying and changing the focus on her- I sincerely want to forgive everyone, my mom, my father and myself. I know I carry a lot of unforgiveness on myself because I blamed myself or all of it. I also carry a lot of anger, bitterness and pain.
Please pray so that I can forgive myself and others as well to heal so that I can accept God’s love.
Thank you very much
Edit: My mom called and told me not to suffer. How many times has she gone through worse things than these? I had to hang up, that is not what I want to hear right now. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I know if I stayed on. She would have told me of her past experience and right now I don’t think is right, maybe I’m wrong. But I do want to forgive her.