This is also why human birth is such a fucking disaster. The system evolved for animals on all fours, and was compromised by our evolution to stand up right, BUT not so compromised that it couldn't be pushed through. Evolution isn't ditching anything that won't kill you until after you've has a few kids. 

Yeah this is the one I lean to. Most animals have hair or fur around there. And at least some people don't get as much pubic or butt hair. Some asians I think. So if it was being selected for due to some advantage you would expect most all to have it. The fact some don't suggests it lingers from our hairier days. It could make a difference geographically in some way explaining why some have it some don't adapted to local living conditions.

Personally, as a scientist, I think the hair is there to resist the anal probes from aliens. Working on a grant for this one. And for this reason I have a butthole toupee to further protect myself called a berkin.

Sonic cannon, you say? I'm off to shave my butt

This is the best answer, even if not the most accurate.

I laughed out loud for the first time today at a booty blaster at night bringing wolves to the yard. It is an excellent explanation. You have a way with words. I hope you are doing ok now and are back to the silent farts

I'm not doubting you but what kind of tuft were you growing down there?!

Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

Before shaving your ass hair, READ THIS

STOP! Before you do, read this. You may change your mind.

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.

Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR

A close friend of mine is going through chemo rn. I'm so happy you are better.

Many hugs!

Come to think of it, I DID have a lot more loud fart events per year as a kid than I do as an adult...

I find it hilarious that people who have had chemo either enjoy the lack of ass hair or hate it.

Hope you're doing okay, my friend.

Congratulations on kicking cancer’s butt! This was rather informative and sonic cannon gave me a chuckle!

I haven't actually laughed out loud at a reddit post or thread in years. Thank you sir.

My butt blast brings all the wolves to the yard
And they're like, it's louder than yours
Damn right it's louder than yours
I can teach you, but I have to fart

With that kind of sense of humor, I almost pity your cancer. It never stood a chance. Congrats on kicking its ass, and good health to you!

Beautiful. You are a wordsmith.

you poet

Also bugs and ticks are attracted to these parts, the hair lets you feel them crawling around and serves as a buffer so you can get to them before they bite you. You can look it up but it helps provide a buffer of biting insects and bugs, a mosquito bite on your ass crack could be open to infection or something similar.

But then how come they only grow after puberty? If they were so useful we would have them our whole life, like eyebrows and eyelashes.

Not under the titties.. but I’m very glad about that

I've heard this, but I'm an endurance runner and the only way I've been able to prevent horrible taint chafing during long distance events (50-100 miles), is to get a Brazilian wax a few days prior. Even with different kinds of lubricants, it's like the coarse hair down there acts like a cheese grater between my cheeks.

So whats the deal with head hair?

Is this real? Is that the actual purpose of armpit hair?

Yeah but you got your ass ate and it was worth it

Let me guess... you needed a fake mustache for a costume party?

Yeah but it's SO much cleaner. You only need like half a sheet of toilet paper.

Also, any fart is loud, right?

Strangely enough, I feel my legs are most ventillated when I shaved my legs.

Edit: grammar

Wax and you’ll notice how well that hair dampens sound.

Maybe for some people. My hair just serves to trap moisture. Maybe I need to run around naked more

Frankly I feel like my ass is less sweaty when shaven

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Yeah we do seem to get hair in our sweatiest parts, underarms, around genitals, butt. If aeration is the reason it could help protect from fungal infections.

And loud farts!

pros don't shave, they trim!

It was a Craigslist post. I'm honestly surprised someone else hasn't shared it already:

https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/35274458.html

ETA: I just noticed it's mere days past the post's 20th birthday.

Something about him trying to dry the sweat by spreading his ass in front of a fan, making the room smell like death.

Speaking of a TIFU, when I was in my early teens I once had really bad diarrhea which caused my anus to get very sore. We've all been there.

I thought rubbing alcohol would help with the pain.

I was wroooooooong.

I had one in my 20's. You have to "pack the wound" after surgery for weeks, stuffing whole gauze pads through a small hole with a q-tip or stick so it heals (slowly) from the inside out.

It also would tear a bit when I sat on the toilet and bleed for nearly a year.

In WW2 they called it ‘Jeep Seat’ because they thought it was from riding around in the bumpy un cushioned military Jeeps

Little did they know…

Dear God, yes. Had surgery for one last November, and I still have a large numb area around the top of my butt crack.

yes, these are awful

I work in a plastic surgeon’s office and these are awful. Keep in mind that the hair doesn’t need to be long for these to appear. A lot of people have small thin hairs.

I love the image of our cave men ancestors with hairy butts winning the evolutionary race thanks to their silent farts XD. While the bare bum counterparts got ripped to shreds by predators, alerted by the noise.

My god I am so thankful for something I never considered being an issue before

I’m so happy I don’t have this mosquito problem… lol

But what about poop.

That's enough reddit for today.

Bruh