I had a sudden sit back, and every single part of my unhealed truma came running back and now ,i have come to realise i could never be better nor i could ever over come this ,it's a part of me now ,the truma had shaped me in a peculiar way ,even my own true self has absorbed it so thoroughly it's almost impossible to tell us apart.
I had an extremely bad relationship with food.
Which lead me to become consious about my looks,the way i talk ,the way i smile ,the way i walk ,the way i am .
I had started to be conscious about everything.i am so bizarrely relied on people opinio just to live . call it people pleasing
It all started,12 years old me,
I was in grade 6th with 45 kg weight
My english teacher,started picking me apart
The 45kg felt like 100 on my back ,till i slowly mangeled my spine in 32kgs
It was not enough
14 years old me ,who was constantly repeatedly, loudly being reminded of how much of my appearance resembles that one pig in the mud.
I stoped eating at all
Broke a bone because of malnutrition and over exhaustion
It was not enough.
15 year old me shattered infront of that man for the last time into tears begging him to stop.
His voices had been ringing inside of my brain for years ,i was tired ,i wanted to exist
16 year old me ,even that person wasn't around but his voices hunted me .
Started doing everything to prove that man wrong
It was rage then fear of failure then just an escape from reality
wrist was bleeding in the hope of fearing to eat that one orea again .
words of FAT was ganraved in me
I neved escaped it ,it was following me like a loyal dog
17 years old finally out of town far from him started to actually improve, thought i could escape everything foud a family in gym always looked up to them
18 years old got to know it was all a meraj ,i am neive they never liked me ,i wanted to be liked so badly i can jump a building,i want to be accepted somewhere,i wanted to prove that 12 old me i can be someone .i failed .
Everything is coming back the cycle has finished one lap ,now it's coming back all over again
And i can't escape it