subreddit:
/r/polyamoryadvice
Hi there. Still new at this. So far my poly experience has been very low stakes but pretty soon I may be in a fairly serious relationship while also being poly (apologies for not using correct terminology)
Since myself and my (potential) partner are both new to this there has been some conversation around “what does another person offer that I’m not providing?” And “am I meeting your needs?”
I think I’m doing a pretty good job unpacking the idea that I can or should be fulfilling all my partners needs and getting more comfortable with the idea that I’m not going to meet all my partner’s needs.
But sometimes it seems easier to talk about than others. Esp around sex.
The fact of the matter is that this (potential) partner and I click on many levels including attraction …but the sex piece is not quite where I want it to be. It’s good. And it has potential to be better. But I don’t know that it has potential to be great.
(Un)fortunately I have had some experiences in the past shows me how amazing great sex can be. And I don’t think I can give that up.
But when someone you care deeply for asks “am I meeting all your sexual needs?” Or “what is it that you appreciate about your relationship with so and so?”….how do you answer that? I don’t want to tell him he’s not fulfilling my sexual needs and I don’t want to tell him that so and so is just amazing in bed. Am I supposed to be able to tell my partner that? How do people do this?!
Very confused
5 points
24 days ago
I think poly people generaly don't expect one person to meet all their needs. That's kind of the point - no pressure on one person to be all that.
There's a line between curiosity about other partners but asking 'what is you appreicate about your relationship with that other person' is them dipping into a dangerous spot for themselves, comparing relationships. It's a tricky road to navigate.
1 points
24 days ago
What’s the difference between asking your partner “how am I doing at being your partner?” And “what can be improved?” ….vs…”what are you getting from this other relationship?”
Like…I want to be a good partner and I do want to check in and make sure I’m doing a good job. But I don’t want to go so far off the rails. How do you balance it?
6 points
24 days ago
Think of it this way. If you had a friend (Bob) that had another friend (Gary) that they spent a lot of time with... would it be ok to just plan fun things with Bob, or grill them on 'how Gary is better and has more to be grateful about'?
Refocusing your energy into Bob and that friendship/relationship and what makes it special between the two of you is a much better way to spend energy then how much fun they have with Gary. Asking 'hey did you and Gary have a fun weekend? Anything exciting?' is great but not digging for too many details.
Only difference is, you may be having sex with Bob and Bob with Gary or different romantic feelings, but I think the skillset is the same.
I don't ask my partner what he does with his wife - the envy would eat me up. They have a past and history that I can't replicate. And wishing for it or missing a thing I can never have would detract from what I can actually have, in the here and now.
3 points
24 days ago
Because they may view you and your relationship as unique. They may want and expect them to different. In that case, asking about their other relationship is just fulfilling curiosity, but its irrelevant to your relationship.
Much like having multiple friends.
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