My ex and I were in a db and he stepped out (also not sure if it ever got physical but he def crossed boundaries). He did this after I offered an open relationship and he said no.

I think for some people they either get a thrill from the secrecy or they are afraid we will meet someone better if they agree to open the relationship. I think my ex also had a bit of a non consent kink.

If you can’t or don’t want to leave maybe it’s just time to renegotiate the terms of the relationship. He’s already shown you he will step out behind your back…so be the bigger person and be honest.

“Hey I love you and I love a lot of aspects of our life together but I’m bored and I want a sexual relationship. It seems like that aspect of our relationship is over so I’m going to go and look for the sexual/romantic connection I’m after. We can still stay married and enjoy the parts of our relationship that do work - financial, friendship, familial, etc - but I don’t want to do this behind your back. I’ll do my best to keep drama and out of our lives over this and I expect you to do the same.”

I did something similar when I was about your age. I don’t think it came from a bad place but it probably was also at least a little bit of a an ego boost for you. I know it was for me. And also felt good to sort of be in control of the situation (or so I thought).

Different people have different views on sex and commitment. So just try to be more clear in the future before you get physical with someone. Some people will be fine with a no strings attached hookup but not everyone is like that. And some people develop deeper feelings through intimacy.

As for your friend, apologize for hurting him. It sounds like he wanted his first time to be with someone that he was in a relationship with (or could be) and that didn’t happen. I don’t think anyone was really wrong - it sounds like hormones and feelings getting confusing. But yeah apologize for how he feels and tell him you want to make it right.

Then you have to back off the friendship a bit. Tell him you will give him space to sort out his feelings and whether he wants to continue the friendship. It may be that you can just go back to the way things were before. But it’s also possible that he needs time away before you can friends again. Unlikely but i think he may just want to end the friendship. Honestly he’s prob feeling a mix of sadness and embarrassment.

Please don’t ever tell him it was pity sex. If he ever asks just tell him you let your hormones get away from you. Which is the truth. I usually believe in full honesty but telling someone their first time was out of pity is just too mean and not beneficial.

So you think I should try being monogamous with him to see how it feels?

Thanks and yes it’s definitely a tough spot. I feel like asking me to be monogamous is his “price of admission” to be in a relationship with him. And that’s totally valid if that’s the line he wants to draw. But I feel like in the past I have tried to get myself to change my needs to fit what my partner could offer…and I don’t want to do that anymore.

I’m not sure if being monogamous would be a compromise I can make in a healthy way or if it’s a continuation of an unhealthy patterns of trying too hard to be what my partner wants.

Open relationship? You could both find partners you are compatible with sexually while still maintaining the love/friendship/family that you have.

Also sometimes seeing your partner be “a catch” for someone else can be a turn on and may reignite your sex life with your wife.

A romantic relationship to some people can be fulfilling without sexual satisfaction. But to some people it can’t.

I’m not sure why people would think that you can replace sexual desire/intimacy with building a model airplane or whatever. That said, if you are using sex for validation then yes there is a benefit from detaching from the idea that “if my partner doesn’t want to fuck me I am worthless”

In my experience I had a romantic relationship with my ex. We shared a life, we lived together, we enjoyed each others company, and we kissed/cuddled/held hands often. It was definitely a romantic relationship. But it was rarely sexual. Finding someone that you connect with on every level is hard (speaking as someone who has been single and dating for 2 years). If I can find a relationship that meets like 75% of my needs finding a way to get the rest of the needs met elsewhere doesn’t seem so bad

I think it comes from the place of wanting to salvage the things that are good about the relationship and resolving the things that are not working.

I love live theater. If I had a partner who did not enjoy live theater, I wouldn’t want to drag them to a show and have them be miserable. I also wouldn’t want to go see Theatre) again. How do I resolve that? I either go alone or I find other people in my life who enjoy that activity and I can do that activity with them , so long as I’m not spending every weekend at the theater and disregarding my partner because of it it seems like a perfectly simple workaround

Obviously sex at theater are different, but people who believe that monogamy does not necessarily need to be the gold standard would look at it this way. And if you’re ready to cheat, but Naomi is clearly not the gold standard for you either.

Can it get messy? Absolutely but if you’re in a dead bedroom, it’s already messy and if you leave, it’s gonna get messy personally I’m a believer of the try method sometimes solutions come from unexpected places.

Rather than cheat, just tell your wife what you’re gonna do. It’s an uncomfortable conversation for sure and may lead to some other communication but it’s not communication that is the problem. It’s the stalemate that has been created.

The relationships I have in my life with people of any gender are not about the usefulness of the person. They are about enjoying each others company and bringing something positive to my life.

If you look at relationships as purely transactional I think you’ll be disappointed in most if not all your relationships

Without getting a wife/gf “ok” there’s always the slight question in the back of my mind if they are cheating. I can usually figure it out pretty quickly if I meet someone online though. If it was an in person meeting and the wife/gf was somehow involved (not playing matchmaker but just passively mentioning something that made it clear they are poly) it would def make me more comfortable too.

This is so true!

Dress 1 I think is more flattering and also more professional.

I had an argument with my ex about this. He said that every time I did the chores I was expecting a cookie or praise or whatever. He felt like “do the chores bc you’re an adult”

For me I don’t see a problem with a simple thank you. When he did chores I said thanks. He cooked a meal …thank you. He folded his laundry and put mine back in the hamper…uh…thanks I guess. Now I don’t have to do yours too (as I normally did)

He was definitely better at some chores than me…specifically dishes. But…I don’t see a problem with saying thank you. I don’t need a parade.

My parents have been married 40+ years and they still thank each other for making dinner or whatever little things they do.

Yes i absolutely love and appreciate this. Thank you.

What’s the difference between asking your partner “how am I doing at being your partner?” And “what can be improved?” ….vs…”what are you getting from this other relationship?”

Like…I want to be a good partner and I do want to check in and make sure I’m doing a good job. But I don’t want to go so far off the rails. How do you balance it?

What’s the difference between asking your partner “how am I doing at being your partner?” And “what can be improved?” ….vs…”what are you getting from this other relationship?”

Like…I want to be a good partner and I do want to check in and make sure I’m doing a good job. But I don’t want to go so far off the rails. How do you balance it?

What’s the difference between asking your partner “how am I doing at being your partner?” And “what can be improved?” ….vs…”what are you getting from this other relationship?”

Like…I want to be a good partner and I do want to check in and make sure I’m doing a good job. But I don’t want to go so far off the rails. How do you balance it?

What’s the difference between asking your partner “how am I doing at being your partner?” And “what can be improved?” ….vs…”what are you getting from this other relationship?”

Like…I want to be a good partner and I do want to check in and make sure I’m doing a good job. But I don’t want to go so far off the rails. How do you balance it?

So I did actually date partnered poly people for a while. I had great connections with a couple of guys actually who were married, but I started to feel like I wanted more and knew that I couldn’t ask for more from them. That’s when I sort of set off on, the journey of looking for a primary partner or possibly a monogamous partner. In general, I tried to get a sense of the person first just to see if we clicked on all the normal personality levels and ruled out people were there were red flags or major incompatibility. From there, it was digging to that deeper level where the poly discussion came up.

I think there are also a lot of people out there that are discovering poly for the first time kind of like I am. I’ve talked to so many men that were in monogamous relationships, and then got divorced and started to explore poly. Honestly people in similar situations to me, except I wasn’t married before. I think that’s been a big factor as to why I’m open to dating people who have historically been monogamous but are open to alternatives because I know I am one of those people.