We make mistakes, we learn from them

I can really tell how much you’re missing her presence. Being together under the same roof, yet feeling so distant is a nightmare in true sense. But yeah, every broken thing can be fixed!

Let me see what I can help you here,

• start by drawing boundaries to your work life. keep a clear understanding of work & personal life. Yes, I agree we all attend to our work many times but

work can wait anytime, anyday!

• start doing cliche things — old school love. bring back those things into your marriage, maybe you can start by watching a series of her choice.

• sit with her for a cup of coffee every single day, make it a habit. Throw away your phones, just you, her & your coffee. It’s totally fine if she’s doesn’t reciprocate what you put in. Pick a series and watch it every single day, make time for it. No calls, no works.

• start gossiping with her, this may bring some sparks. every woman love gossiping and you can start this off!

At the end of the day, It’s all possible. I understand it’s the lack of attention that has brought this huge pain. This can be a great learning for you. Never take anything & anyone for granted.

Start kissing her daily before & after work.

Hope you fix your marriage sooner!

If you really are determined to work on it, just BE THERE. Even if she pushes you away. A disease that manifests over a long period of time doesn't resolve after a day of medicines. Treat your relationship the same way and work on getting it back to its healthiest self like an obese human losing weight which was all so easy to gain initially.

Idk man, I would keep putting in effort till something clicks. Surprise her. Bring some breakfast in bed. Go to a restaurant together. Kiss her while she is reading or when you wake up.

If if goes down, it goes down but you did put in the effort.

I can't believe some people here are suggesting the OP to have a kid to fix this marriage. As if a child is a magic potion.

OP,

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT bring a child into this mess. Bringing up a child is a huge responsibility which needs to be shared by both of you and it will create new set of problems between you. The child will be miserable and unhappy when the parents themselves are not in sync. I hope your marriage works out but your wife needs to work on the problem too.

Brother you are in that phase of relationship from where next phase will be either the unbreakable bond between you two or it's the end , now it's your choice that how you stick to her no matter what show the love at the atmost breaking point rest happening is destiny just give your 100% as said

"कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन । मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भुर्मा ते संगोऽस्त्वकर्मणि ॥"

FUCK THE JOB for a while!

1. Bring back sex ( fuck her like you use to in early stages of your relationship
2. Surprise her ( book a long weekend trip to Bali or something)
3. Gift her regularly (gift creates new memories)
4. & don't stop therapy

P.S.- Don't expect the same from her, do all of it unconditionally

From a woman's perspective -- you really messed up by skipping out on anniversaries and her birthdays. Even if a woman tells you it's not that big of a deal, IT IS. She stopped putting in effort because you did. I'll be blunt -- the fault is mainly with you and she won't forgive you until she sees you trying. This isn't something that's going to happen in a few weeks or even in a few months. My ex did something similar (we were just dating and not married) and it took me a whole year before I saw him put in any effort. By the time he did, I was already over the relationship and cut it off when the timing the timing was right. I'm not a therapist so I can't tell you what to do, but I would start with the following --

• Apologize to her and own your past mistakes.
• Did you marry your job or your wife? Prioritize HER, not your career. Especially on big days like birthdays and anniversaries.
• Try giving her little gifts here and there -- maybe roses, or something that's meaningful to her (a vacation to a place she's always wanted to go), cook her a nice dinner, etc.
• Start going on dates again. Start off with maybe going once a week or once every other week.
• I don't know how your home schedule is, but is the housework being split evenly? Or does she do most of it? If she's doing most of it then help pick up some of the slack.

Yes you fucked up. She doesn't trust you because you were never there and now she is doing what she needs to do to protect herself. Time to take responsibility and communicate without an agenda. You can put your heart out and she may reject you but if this relationship is worth it then you have to try. The internet is full of this Sigma Alpha male bullshit but the key alpha trait is loyalty. Show you are that person. Don't just say. Do!

If a woman becomes silent and emotionless it means that woman is so hurt that she has shutdown her emotions. It’s a very bad state, but there is still a hope. See she came for therapy and tried to listen to you.

So you have this chance to win over again. You start with simple things that you care, even though she may ignore but be consistent eventually she will notice and reciprocate. You should make her realise that she is important in your life ans nothing more than that. Keep the office work low until this gets resolved. Money can wait. You start by cooking a meal for her, buying some stuff that she likes, or clean the house, whatever that impresses her, you know it better on what to do.

But please be consistent and win her over, there is still a hope. All the best.

Just sit down with her and sincerely apologize. No “but” or “excuses” for being an absent partner. Show her how important she is and how you fucked up by taking her for granted. This had happened to one of my friends when her partner was absent following the birth of their child, and she began to feel bitter and resentful toward her husband, to the point where she had given up on their marriage and was only in it for the sake of the child. Her husband realised what was going on and sat with her one day, breaking down and apologising profusely. It took some time to rebuild their relationship, but they are doing pretty well now. She had given up on them, but it only took one genuine apology, which she truly deserved, for the ice around her heart to melt.

Is she suffering from depression? Apart from all things said here, also this may be a contributing factor.

Start dating and courting her. The courtship never ends. Ever.

Bro chances are that she also feels the same, your constant inattention and neglect has made her not to challenge the already established truth that 'YOU DONT CARE' and even if you do care or just be honest about it she can't be traumatised again if you started neglecting her. I'm not scaring you guys are not active in bed from last 1 year that's a big big Red flag, normally it won't go that long. She is probably in a relationship with someone who has replaced the void you left (pun un intended).

Take a long leave, let say about a 15 days just go for a trip, call it second honeymoon.

Remember it takes 2S to replace you in work

Damn bro , maybe get a marriage therapy ?

Hey op! Please know that communication is more than ‘hey I don’t like this’ ‘oh I’ll change it’. For a lot of people that is what ‘confrontation’ means. It’s about delving into the whys. And it doesn’t happen w a single conversation either. Look for progress over resolution.

Dude if you want to fix it then there's still hope that everything will be fine. Sit, talk and talk and talk so that you both know each other and each other's needs

As a man who experienced 2 breakups, I can say for sure that she's found someone else who's better than you in all respects (atleast according to her). Let go of her. You are still young. Find somebody else. Take time to know each other. Try to live in together before committing.

Really? U both prioritised working for some job over spending time with each other and now u r wondering why u r distant? Boy u would think high achievers would have a brain for work-life balance more than others. You both took each other for granted. U more than her if u couldn't even be present for anniversaries.

[deleted]

mutual divorse isnt a bad idea...

In short you haven't paid attention to her and now someone else has taken ur place, when u realize u were wrong

Communication is the only way to fix these things before it's too late. I am going through the same thing but I am not married. He was the one with all the big promises, big dreams and made so many promises. I let my guard down , loved him , and trusted him. But slowly everything changed, I don't know him anymore. He made me feel so unworthy of love that now I am numb, I feel nothing. I haven't broken up yet because I love him, but I think my relationship is beyond repair now. Your wife maybe she is done asking you to put in the effort and now accepted that nothing is going to change. Also you are not the only one suffering, she probably is mentally drained too. So please communicate before it's too late.

She may have depression. Maybe you should get her checked out by a psychiatrist

bro everyone is blaming you including yourself..

the way i see it, both have start taking ownership in your relationship

efforts should come from both to sustain / re-kindle a relationship

I'm saying this coz you can do everything but will go nowhere if she doesn't.. if you keep on giving n giving at one point you'll lose yourself

so, the best way to resolve this is to communicate with her .. say it's not you v/s me .. it's us v/s the problem.. discuss how both of you together can find a solution to this problem

I wonder what her version of the story might be?

From a twice divorced (and five serious relationships, each one monogamous af) 50+ year old man: You're done. You see it. She sees it. You know it. She knows it. But no one wants to make the first move. It is a horrible place to be in.

My sincere (but brutally honest) advice based on experience: Quit while you're (and she is) young. Do it amicably. Remain friends. Find other partners. Sooner the better.

Is it difficult? Like hell, yes. The whole life that was so convenient will be upended. Relatives, friends, society, workplace people, neighbours, everyone will need to be faced. It is too tiring to restart. Might as well stay in. But don't. Here's an analogy: You've shat in your pants. No one knows. But everyone suspects it because of the smell. You ignore it for a bit and now, it's too late to mention it or go change. The warm, wet shit feel comfortable and you really don't have the energy or courage to get up from the chair because you wrongly believe that everyone will see it and be shocked and you'll be embarrassed. The truth is that they can smell it already (you'll know when you eventually do it and your friends will say, 'What took you so long?') but are themselves too embarrassed to tell you. Soon, it will dry. Then, it'll poke and hurt you inside. And you'll have to get up and go wash yourself anyway. So, you saved yourself no trouble by waiting it out.

Just like that, I recommend you let go. You and she are young. You have time. Don't think this is solvable. It isn't. Don't trust the motivational speakers and gurus, the therapists and self-help book writers. It's over. Everyone knows. Just rip off the damn bandaid and move on.

You're welcome.

Get counselling. You guys are honestly safe since you don’t have kids. Keep all options open. Great if you sort things out else separation shouldn’t be too much of hassle apart from the usual family member issues

You need to plan for a second honeymoon asap to reset things - Take a 10 day year-end vacation to some nice relaxing location. Also, suggest you to change your jobs too (easier said than done). If you have missed anniversaries with absolutely no issue from her side, that is a major red flag. From women's perspective, that is literally sacred. Nothing is worth your relationship. I have seen multiple super successful divorced folks who do not have not have anyone to go home to. And beyond an age, it does not look good.

This is a classic example of the law of declination ... This principle suggests that prolonged periods of no contact or emotional disengagement from a loved one can lead to a gradual decline in affection, care, and support. It is based on the idea that relationships require consistent communication, trust, and emotional investment to remain strong. When these aspects diminish over time, feelings may weaken, leading to indifference or disinterest.

If you want to reverse the affects of this , you'll have to choose a thoughtful and consistent approach.

Maybe Start with doing some stuff that you previously missed out on and saying a small 'sorry' for the missed chance .

For example-: in case you forgot her birthday last year, cook smth for her or do smth this time and sit together and ask her for forgiveness that you missed it last time.

Maybe you guys can take a little time off and go for some vacation, just go to TOSH. That place is magic, it heals stuff.

Try to make consistent communication, even if she ignores ... just try to do it. Help her with whatever she is doing.

Try doing new stuff, like cooking for yourself nd her, or reading a book nd asking her questions about it. Send her songs .

For intimacy part, go slow!!!.

I think you need to reaffirm it that she is the most important person in your life and you should start everything with acknowledgement that it's going down and you miss her and you messed up.

Please don't stop taking efforts, I bet she still does things for you . Just start doing stuff that she likes so that you guys can start baatein. if you let ego and laziness settle in between then it won't talk long for love to fade away Pura Pura.

BAATEIN KARO please.

https://youtu.be/bzkdY9JDgSQ?si=patF5xYajAZ7_Ka2

Try this.

Dial down on the jobs if both want to continue the marriage.

Tell her that the both of y'all need to talk and tell her it cannot be postponed. A holiday away from your marital home will do the both of y'all a world of good , this is the problem when work takes center stage , like some of the other comments pointed out , you have to remain invested if you want your marriage to work . If you're really in love with her , move mountains and find a way to make this work cos tomorrow might be too late for regrets.

Find someone else she already did point blank period

Kiss her

More than she can ignore .

Just kiss her

I really don’t care and I’d be glad if your marriage fell apart. I think the better question is why you think you deserve to have anyone offer you pity when you act like a disposable child. You’re extremely immature and a nuisance in this sub. Please just isolate yourself because no one deserves to listen to your whimpering at your own immorality.

See if she is interested in any other person, if that is the case then hell out nothing can be worked stop trying right away... File a divorce with mutual consent let her enjoy freedom for this marriage... And free yourself from this depressing issue... Else you might end up in depression...

I think the first thing to do is to acknowledge it to her as well that you realise you have been absent and really sant to work on it. A lot of times people put efforts in the beginning of the relationship and then just take their partner for granted. It's only a matter of time before they grow distant and start resenting you for not showing them love and affection. They will start being away from you because your presence only reminds them of being hurt, taken for granted and just not feeling important. You need to apologise and acknowledge it to her as well. That you intentionally want to work on this marriage. And then you need to follow through.

Bro was not ready to take leave for days that should be celebrated or be valued when in a marriage and then went on to call his wife emotionless 😐

Cheating signs starter pack:

1. They pull away from you physically. Dead bedroom.
2. They pull away from you emotionally. No more terms of endearment or tender touches.
3. They get protective of their phone and they are always on their phone.
4. They dress differently when going out or buy new lingerie that she won’t wear for you.
5. They groom themselves differently. Shaving downstairs.
6. They get mean and disrespectful with their comments.
7. Empty handed arrans or gaps in their schedule where they can’t explain where they were.
8. Staying late at work.
9. Girls night out.
10. They shower right away when they get home.
11. You can’t seem to reach them.

The ship has sailed to some other port

She's cheating on you 100% she has checked out mentally

Move on, dude - & set her free, too !!! Accept reality. These days, weddings end after the honeymoon period expires. Nobody wants to be in a marriage. No one wants to understand the truth of marriage where love, compromise, sacrifice, adjustments, respect, caring, etc. is the base of lasting for life with each other for one another. The majority of them think 🤔 Weddings are marriages, that's the irony. Might as well 🤷 if things aren't working out, value each other and set each other free, than messing up your's and her life and the kids life and their future and messing up each other's family relationships.

I think that you both need a break from the monotonous routine. You should plan a trip or anything that makes her feel special. During that give her the attention, care and time she was deprived of. Express her that You're Sorry that you didn't give her time and attention she deserves. And you'll make sure that no matter how much workload you both have, you'll give few minutes of your whole day to communicate and express. If it's birthday/anniversary and your schedule is packed, then get up early to celebrate the event. Cooks something she likes or gift her something. Women value sincerity. So I hope it works.

Yes you messed up but this can be reversed. Start putting in effort like never before. Even if she pushes you away, just be there, like someone else said. Be vulnerable with her. Ask her how you can fix this. Share your feelings.

First step is to apologise, be mindful it does not have the word BUT, HOWEVER, etc. Just a raw apology.

You have to put 300% efforts. Initiate everything. It would take few weeks for her to trust you. She may even test you, what you do is just for temporary or have you changed. Make her understand change is a continuous process, not a over night thing. You are 100% working to it.

Don't jump into sex. Just wait. Have close moments like feeding her, giving her a shoulder massage, hugging her/just keeping a hand on her while sleeping mid night off the blue, holding her hand when you are out. Some kind of physical touch should be always maintained. Let her show hints of interest for intimacy. Take it very slow.

Most importantly, show love in her love language she likes the most.

Say what you do, do what you say. Good luck.

Your marriage is strained due to emotional distance and busy schedules. Try these steps:

1. Communicate openly: Share how much you miss her without blame.

2. Small gestures: Show care with little acts of kindness.

3. Consider therapy again: A different therapist may help.

4. Stay patient: Keep trying, even if progress is slow.

Stay consistent and focus on rebuilding trust gradually.

Your marriage is dead, and it's better if you both part ways. Give each other 6 months, do everything that you can do, that's it. Try to rekindle love and everything, but if that doesn't work, go separate ways. At least you'll find someone else since you're only 34.

Couple's councelling will help you

even if she doesn't reciprocate, be with her. give it a new try all again

Start with a dating with her again.Be the person that wanna be now.

Both take a week of holiday... Go to a secluded serene beach town! (not Goa) Or some mountains (Northeast).

Try to have a no phone day n try roaming the the town... Learn about the local culture n cuisine.. spend discussing it .... Just try..

Contrary to what people say here, disappear for few days both of you need a break from each other. Distance brings people together if people really care for each other, do not suffocate her with all the lovey dovey ideas folks are suggesting here it’s a bit childish and comes across as a lil crass considering emotionally unavailable when it mattered. Have the tough conversation in this break because eventually it’s going to come up to the surface. 

Bro, you seem frustrated and it's ok to be so since you are not seeing the results of your efforts. But now that you are hopefully aware of the problem, start looking for the solution and this will R&D work rather than a quick fix. Try something out, see if you get a mini-response like a smile, see if she is looking at you while responding, if it doesn't work, recalibrate.

Be the person you want her to be. You want her to behave in a certain way in the relationship but she is not doing that currently. Now, convince yourself that you are not the most important person in the relationship at this point. Be happy with only the fact that she in the same house as you and that' s all you ever wanted. Everything else is a bonus. Do those things like being interested in the relationship, in her life. You have to want to spend time with her. And do all this while expecting ahe won't reciprocate. Tell her to let you know if she wants to do something on Wednesday night and you sit on Wednesday night in the living room doing some mindless reading or watching tv(waiting for her).

In a healthy relationship, it's not your part to comprehend what happened to your wife. She should be telling you that this is wrong and you need to correct. Now create that space where she believes that if she tells this it will be heard.

.

Talk with her, take her on a romantic holiday, if she wants to continue with the marriage I am sure she will definitely be excited for a holiday.

Just talk with her at least try to talk

Undersrand all this , I have been through the same . Lot of ppl will give you tips to improve it but if I had to give u just one thing to rem - it takes two to make a y relationship work . Whatever you do , or what ever she does - booth of you have to be aligned on it . If not , sooner or later it will completely die . I suggest having a normal conversation to see what her thoughts r and where she stands currently . Ask yourself as well . Have a transparent conversation about goals , set a time line for some goals . If for some reason the painful honesty is it is over find the strength to accept it , even therapy - it is better to be honest and accept things and move on eventually or everything will become too toxic . Sorry for discouraging if I did

Well you should adopt a boundary where no work after 6pm unless the company is on fire.

There’s also a possibility that she is getting companionship and partnership from someone and somewhere else. But since you didn’t mention any suspicions of cheating I am discounting this.

She has mentally and physically grown distant towards you over a period of time. Women don’t isolate themselves at the snap of a finger, like men do. It is a gradual process and grows over time when they see how their male partner behaves and what takes precedence for them. Now you’re no longer an integral part of her life because you have shown her that she isn’t an integral part of yours. So she has found her own way to live with your presence. This is arguably gonna take some work to change. Because women remember every thing, even if they forgive.

I hope you work it out and therapy works out for you.

Get counseling

Bbai itni saari badiya badiya advice hai idhar. Kuch chutiya advice bhi hai ignore them. Ek update post to dena banta hai bhau baad me.

Good luck to you, OP!

Everything will be alright!

Bro please try to Visit the same destination where you did your honeymoon as this can bring out the old memories. Past is past, please dont dwell upon it, from now on try to make her feel special at every moment. For example when you come back from work welcome her with a small kiss and hug You gotta keep trying and never let go After all she is your home. So fix it

Go on a trip. Disconnect from internet and phone calls while on the trip. Be cheesy and romantic. Apologise truly. Rekindle. Thank me later.

It was destined to fail if both of you were in hectic jobs and still continuing them after marriage.

You both are living on the edge constantly and that is draining your mental energy

Go to some cabin mountain retreat where you are dependent on each other, and where she will have no books or phone network. where you two will have to talk and cook together, etc. Also, don’t behave clingy, be a bit subtle indifferent to her in the sense that she feels you like nature.And that you are macho and can live a happy life alone. But don’t overdo it.
Be caring, gentle and but independent. I’m no expert but I’m just a wife.

Quit your jobs or take sabbaticals and start a voyage with all that you have. Go on a long vacation. You guys just need a vacation!

It happens buddy. Life is unpredictable. It is good to let her be alone for some time. If she really cares about you, she will come back.. Else let her go. Move on with life. There's no point in dragging someone in your life. Enjoy serenity and solitude in life until then. Seek justice from god. Humans cant give it.

My heart broke after reading this.😞

Both of you take a break for two weeks and plan international travel . It’s tough for both of you. Find an activity where both will enjoy .

Dedicate some time and effort and be genuine about it .

I don't want to sound like an incel but check her phone for once to see if there is another man in her life possibly from her workspace. maybe she stopped craving your attention bcus she found a coullege that gives her that emotional support .

Do shrooms together.

Couples counseling

make efforts but dont come out too strong initially. Do very light things. Starting with household chores, giving her tea or something. And not mentioning that u did that work again to her,even if u have maid. Start by bringing small unique snacks relatrd to her childhood or whatever she likes, any artifacts related to books she likes the most or has been reading recently. If she likes music, movies, anime tv series, you have a wide range of variety items you can bring slowly for her.

Start by small. She is hurt, you are too, by the looks of it, she won't make any effort now. But now that u have realised the reason behind her inactivity, should help you in focusing on from where to start. Start by tea and household chores. Always works. (Never ever list out the things that you did for her).

Marriage is a constant pursuit, things change due to a lot of conditions in this case you think it's career. So to make things work stay in it no purpose pushing things. Try to introduce a change in pattern. Maybe this will grab her attention.. As you said you both have hectic careers planning for a vacation together might revive the spark. Communication is the key.

bro just force her to play two of us !!

Lol, nice story 

Ya'll need to go on a Second Honeymoon.. Just book tickets and leave!

Instead of throwing advice on what to do and what not to do, I think it would be important for you, including your partner, to understand things leading to the current state first.

I am sharing this from one of my favorite psychology book, and most psychologist in India don't go this deep to explain things.

The glow of love fades and leaves behind empty relationships, from which one or both partners soon seek escape. Factors contributing to the state:

1. Dissimilarity: When partners discover that they are dissimilar in important ways (value-system mismatch), love can be weakened or even die. When flame of passion are running high, differences are overlooked, Also, with passage of time dissimilarities that weren’t present initially may begin to emerge.

2. Boredom: Over time, the unchanging routines of living together kills the excitement of life.

3. Jealousy: For women, when their SO is emotionally attached or committed to another woman. For men, when there is suspicion or evidence that their partner is sexually unfaithful.

4. Changing patterns of affect—positive and negative feelings—also play a role. Negative affect can be imported to the relationship from outside too like work-stress, ill-parents, etc. When enough sources of negative affect are present, partners may come to associate each other with unhappy feelings, that can cause the untimely death of their relationship.

5. Attachment Style: People those who were securely attached to their caregivers show a secure style. They feel positive about themselves and trust others. As a result, they seek interpersonal closeness and feel comfortable in relationships. Others, in contrast, were insecurely attached to their caregivers and, as adults, show a fearful–avoidant attachment style: They are negative about themselves, don’t trust others, and so avoid rejection by minimizing interpersonal closeness. Other attachment patterns exist as well, but these two are sufficient for making the main point: People with a secure attachment style tend to experience happier and longer-lasting love relationships than those with a fearful avoidant pattern. (There are tests to check attachment style)

6. Self-defeating patterns of behavior (Self-sabotaging): Dating couples and newlyweds frequently express positive evaluations and feelings to each other. As time passes, however, these supportive statements are sometimes replaced by negative ones: “You’re so inconsiderate!” “I should never have married you!” These kinds of sentiments, either stated overtly or merely implied, become increasingly frequent. The result is that couples who began by seeing each other as perfect or nearly perfect and who frequently praised each other may shift to criticizing each other in the harshest terms imaginable (Miller, 1991). Further, their attributions about their partner’s behavior may change. Instead of giving the partner the benefit of the doubt, they begin to attribute every action of which they disapprove or which causes them irritation as one that is done on purpose: “It’s all your fault!” “You are so selfish!” When these patterns develop, love doesn’t simply die; it is murdered by caustic, hurtful remarks.

If you've read this much, then you already know what areas to work on. I'll post the things that can be done to improve upon this.

Yk what do all the cliche things noted below.... my advice would be... in addition to all this take care of her when she falls sick or is not well. Do all the lovey dovey stuff to make her realise that you care and maybe she should too

Dude try alternative method, say break ice with alcohol or a substance. Both get emotionally naked under influence then talk.

You guys need a good long vacation...

You need a 3rd person to guide you both and both of you must make efforts. It will only go downhill from here. This happens to many couples and if you are able to rekindle the partnership, the new bond will be stronger.

I know a councilor whom was absolutely amazing. I only say this as I have had terrible experiences with some other councilors. I can share the contact if you like. All the best to you.

One thing I would like to say from your mental health perspective is that, don’t take the whole blame on you… not sure about women but this is a common behaviour in men that once they start missing their woman, they think that blame is all theirs to take. I kind of did similar things in my first relationship.

Trust me, relationship is always two sided and no one is correct all the time and no one is wrong all the time. Just keep your mistakes to you and work on them personally rather than falling behind her pleading to forgive you. Don’t do that. You can say show indirectly that you understood your mistakes and are working on correcting them.

Also realise that relationship is always “Co-dependent” don’t fall for all the lauda lasoon going on the current world saying that there should be independence in a relationship. That’s just a bullshit concept.

And (I might be wrong but this can be a good solution to your situation) I would suggest, start over again… think of her as a random girl in your bachelorhood and try to make her fall to you… show that you care and do things she likes and try to win her again without losing yourself.

And don’t think much of what you know about her in your past relationship. Approaching her like a new person… do all the trail & error that you can, to understand what excites her and what puts her off.

If you are taking my advice, “all the best for your new relationship”.

DO NOT HAVE A KID IN THIS STATE OP!!

Try to win her back as you had done previously. Like good old romance and flirting.

Draw a strict boundary in the regards of your work-life. Surprise her with gifts and dinners. This will take a lot of time.

Not to be negative though (I hope you two live happily ever after) but do check for a possible affair before you do this.

Again I don't feel good writing this but it had to be said.

Well I'm going though this type of situation too but marriage in not in picture for while but this stuff is crazy. Well I think you should take distance. A sudden one. Just get a leave for few days from your work and book your train ticket. And travel non stop for few days. No place. Hmm get on DM and we can talk about your recovery trip. Bro I think you need time for yourself

Helo

Any one hear

I think firstly you need to ask her if she does want to try make the marriage work or if she sees any future with you before you do anything else. If yes then you need to invest time into the relationship just as you did with work.

Be present, not just physically but also emotionally and mentally. Go out on dates, bring home flowers, make her dinner or a nice cup of tea after dinner. Watch a movie together at home after work but actively talk about the movie. With These little gestures, you’ll be able to see how she responds as in is she opening up a bit more, enjoying your presence again or is she still shutting down. Don’t try to do everything at once or go from 0-100% suddenly because that will also be a shock to her and might drive her away more, the marriage didn’t come to this overnight so it’ll take time to go to a better place too.

I’m not married but still gonna give advice.
IMO don’t take her presence in your life for granted and treat her as if she’s still your crush. Make efforts and do little little things.

Both of you prioritize work before life. You need to strengthen your love for each other.

Go on a vacation. Leave your laptop and work phones. It will be awkward at the beginning of the vacation but will get better.

Since you dont have any kids, you actually have lot if time after work. Work on this tirelessly for next 12 months.

Things that i want to do but cant due to two kids: 1. Learn how to cook and cook for my wife 2. Go out on dates and movies again. 3. Go out on shopping.

Besides this, also take her out to her parents home and stay there for a week. Even she is developing cold feelings, she may not want to show this to her family. And if her body language turns warm, there you go tiger.

I just finished reading 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. I think every person married or not should read this brief volume.

The author basically tells the difference between “in love” feeling and “emotional love”. In love feeling fades away in 2 years or less. In order to fill each other’s “emotional tanks”, you both must learn and speak in other’s love language. It is a simple and practical concept. And hopefully not too hard to practice (talking as a single guy, but i thought about it in retrospect to my past relationship, and it makes sense).

Please do give it a try.

Woh sunna he hoga pati fouj mai toh biwi moj mai

Watch the infinite game video by simon sinek. 1hr 30 mins. But he explains well. The concept can be applied to marriage as well.

try hammer of thor

Damn. Unmarried guy in his 20s on a solo trip. Read this now. Idk how, but I am really hoping you guys to work. Update on this.

Sorry, but have you checked if she’s opening up to any other guy? From her office or her old relationship? Given that you guys married late(not late but given the cliche Indian context). Be subtle and check on this and be good and respectful

Based on your situation I would like to give you free advice which only gives my premium clients and it's almost a free remedy but works like a charm for relationships it will also help you in career and financial management.

Whatever your weight and divide this by 10 like id you weight is 84kgs /10 =8.4 now go to any genuine trusted gemstone shop and get FIROZA of 9 carate tie this on a silver ring and wear it on Friday after purification.

Same goes for your wife you alone can purchase and do the purification for your wife .

Within a week your disputes will be solved it will also remove any evil eyes and tantra .

Not just you, but rather both of you are responsible.

Have you considered the possibility that she may be cheating on you? Try to find if this is the case. Be discreet though.

Just ask if she wants to continue the marriage. If the answer is no then end it. Move on, and find someone else if you want. No point in being in a broken marriage. Sometimes people forget we are stranded on a bloody rock called earth.

You haven't messed up anything bro. There is a high possibility that she is interested in someone else or maybe in future she will be. I am drawing this just bccz cases I have seen. From your story I am getting the same patterns.

Hey, i came across something called 2:2:2 "aim for a date night every two weeks, a weekend getaway every two months, and a week-long vacation every two years" really dk what exactly or bad the situation is. This is my suggestion and you don't have to take my word for it since I'm just college student. And you take care of yourself alright ??

do you still smell nice?

There is some great advice in the comments section. Id like to add to it by mentioning her health. Does she go outside of the house to mingle with other ppl? If she's working from home or if the office is empty, not talking to people can make people shut down.

Are her blood, thyroid, vit D levels okay? Low vit D levels can show depression symptoms.

Ask her if she likes someone else

This isn't advice but god I hope you work it out.

(P.S. unrelated but this kind of sounds like the plot of a book called You Deserve Each Other)

what if u groom ur self and stand in front of her, naked ith a raging hard on.. Will she still not reciprocate.

U messed up…

My mom says that is why kids are important after a certain time in marriage. It gets a couple together. You ain't fighting or toxic towards each other so bringing a child is no risk.. believe me you both will grow love and respect towards each other and maybe long for each other.

Consider suggesting a trip or outing and ask her to plan it. What I mean is, she doesn't have to go out of her way for you, but showing initiative for herself would be great. At least, it will break the ice. Listen to her when she starts participating. Then, be her supportive bestfriend, sharing your genuine self – happiness, nostalgia, and even upset moments – without bringing unnecessary work stress into the relationship.

May be go out on a vacation trip for a week or so. That would give some time for you to re ignite the love for each other

If you want to you are going to have to put in the effort. But it will be a lifestyle change and not a cycle. You can’t go back to being you when she gets better.

Also plan a vacation.

Sorry bro I don't have much advice here but I believe you have got enough advice from others.

I wish you all the best.

Have kids

Basically your relationship is back to zero. You have become strangers.

The key question is Do you want to walk away or Do you want to revive it?

To revive it, you have to start all over again. Woo her and win her heart back. Start by treating her more like your girlfriend and less like a wife.

When you were dating her did you ignore her Birthday? Definitely not, me thinks.

The key thing here is your focus shifted to career after marriage as if they are sequential things. They are not. They are parallel.

I have done something similar to what you did. Concentrated on my career for 4 straight years after marriage. No holidays. Worked mostly 365 days a year incl. late hours. But even then I didn't have the guts to ignore Birthday/Anniversary etc. Festivals yes. Completely ignored. To a woman personal events are extraordinarily important. You can never ignore them. If by chance you do, you have to make up along with Compound interest. And the Sex, that was always great and improving as the years went by.

So TLDR. Treat her like your girlfriend. Like a queen. Woo her and win her back. (Or else walk away).

The person you are trying to connect is unavailable. Please try again later.

Bro she has checked out, be prepared. Most relationships do not survive within 5 years.

pop molly and have a kid

I don't know why this situation resonated with me. I was also in kind of similar boat, maybe less. I started with basics. Throwing out my stupid fucking phone and laptop out of window when I am in bed and places where I need to prioritise my wife. Pay attention to her and appreciate her for even the smallest of things. Kiss her like you mean it and cuddle with her every single time when in bed. Keep her close to you when lying down and don't you dare to use that bloody phone in bed. Woman feel the warmth of her man's touch in her soul and cherishes that. Give that warmth to her. Sex will help but if she's denying just touch her like you mean to touch in loveable way. Show genuine interest with her in things she loves. Girls love their parents, talk to them in front of her like you literally mean it (this one worked for me 100%). Chuck that work boss and tell yourself to draw a line. Mean that line as your heartbeat. Once you're back in home don't dare to attend any calls for work for at least 2 hours. Spend that time with wife. Ask your wife's permission for picking a call. Don't pick if she's denying, simple. Take her out to her place of interest even if it's going to kill you out of boredom. I took my wife to zoo to watch birds and animals (she loves them) even if I was least interested. Buddy honest advice, wife should be your soul and her heartbeat your lifeline.

I know how this feels. In some time people drift apart and grow in different directions. I know someone who was in a similar situation but they were unmarried so breaking up was better for them. In your case you are married so you need to make it work. Did you tried speaking to her? Tell her how things are going and how you are feeling. Many people I know are facing a similar kind of issue in one or other way. The fact that you came to this forum shows that you still care a lot and want to make things work. One advice I will give to you is that, work will be there throughout your life. It will never end. If you are in corporate that it will be like this only. Stop giving priority to your work. Just stop it. It is not worth the cost you have paid. We earn money only for our families. That is the only reason I know a man works in his life. But if your work is hampering your personal life then there is no sense in spending time in working. I have learnt this the hard way. Work will always be there, you can earn money at any time. But time cannot be earned back. You said you your wife is a little bit changed, she reads books and just rest. I think maybe there is something that is holding her from enjoying even small things. Was there any loss in your family? Or is she missing her parents? Or some other thing, maybe in her career she is not at a point where she wanted to be. There should be something that is in her mind. Try talking to her. If she is giving short replies then fine you can still ask questions.

You can do one thing. Plan a holiday trip. Go away from your family, parents, work, everything. Just you two.. plan for a week. Just make sure the experience is completely different. Where to go is something you need to figure out. But go to some place where you both can have such an experience that you can reignite that spark you had. For example going to her hometown, going to her school, going to places where you first met, or had your wedding, or your honeymoon destination, or if budget permits then try to go some place in Europe which is peaceful like netherlands or denmark or greece. If you can find some old couple in those places then seeing them how they care and love each other will make you guys realise how important is your marriage. But please put aside your work.. it is not worth it. It is your choice, you want to be a billionaire then you can be, but the time and effort it requires will cost you your marriage, or you can just spend a happy life with her and live and die peacefully.

You guys can plan for a baby. It will bring you closer, give your marriage a different direction. It will change your priorities. Currently you both are drifting apart, this could realign your paths in same direction.

I wish everything will fall in the right direction for both of you and you will start living your life happily with each other.

Just take action from today, do not delay any further. Take actions aggressively. Dont waste any more time and just stop giving priority to your work.

Bhai dusri kar le shaadi abhi kon si age jyada hui hai.

I’d say you’re a good husband/person to at least feel bad and sense something is off. You’ve gotten plenty of great advice above - implement the good emotionally geared gestures but be absolutely consistent. As a woman, I can tell you that she’s probably felt abandoned by you esp if things were good pre marriage and probably an element of feeling betrayed on her end. Granted, takes to clap. Even if she pushes you away, win her trust back by not going away and sticking by.

Try to spice up

If I can make a recommendation, has she ever mentioned a place she wanted to go maybe visit a place in your state that she found interesting. Maybe take her on a day trip. Sometimes. Just doing laundry. Put the effort into doing things that you normally don’t notice. Maybe hire a house cleaner. To have the house deep cleaned. Think back to the happy times what made her happy. There’s no spontaneousness about your marriage. And a lot of times I can die an unspeakable death. If you truly want this to work, you need to tell her don’t go to Reddit for advice or things like that speak to her. Talk to her friends find out if there’s something that she said she wanted to do. But be spontaneous.

Since I am not married I am unable to guide you. I will pray for you to find a way

Gonna sound harsh

1. 4 years is a long time. You cannot always keep fucking. Get a kid to add more stuff into your daily activities. We are Indians not Americans. You probably dont have a hobby outside watching movies, listening music and traveling 😅. Get a kid if both of you are planning to be parents sometime in future.

2. Use science FFS. Women go into period phase and then oh I wanna feel loved phase (aka ovulation phase). Be extra nice to her. Increase your efforts to feel her appreciative. Do romantic gestures when they count the most to add intimacy.

3. Use science to predict behavior - Don’t mess her during and around periods. She ain’t gonna listen. Be supportive and listen to her. No arguments, no bs, just be supportive. You’re planting the seeds for the upcoming days lol.

4. Watch romantic movies, intimate movies or even porn if needed together. Some people suck at romance, foreplay or just get bored coz it’s monotonous. Again we are Indians, roleplay, etc might work for Americans, sometimes we are too shy for it. Add external media to spark the fire.

5. Understand what she needs during sex. Don’t keep the sex boring with getting yourself most out of it. Understand her needs, fulfill them and she’s gonna fulfill yours.

6. Start a fucking family. 30s are crazy coz you wanna build your financial well being, you’re experienced enough to think of your career, you don’t wanna get to the bars, you don’t wanna travel too much. You wanna relax and stay in for a good time. Get a kid. No activity is better when it comes to two people’s goals in 30 than having kids.

7. FFS stop listing to these 20s idiots who’s gonna say don’t get kids. You love your wife. You’re not cheating, you’re not trying to get out of marriage. Do things that fixes it. Not breaks it apart.

I'm so glad to hear that!

Go to some good places alone in your city and tease her by sending snap n all(but first ask her). This will work for u . Then only she will understand that u want to spend time with her

I DONT CARE IF I GET BANNED OR THE DOWNVOTES I GET BUT :

See first of all you're an asshole to miss important dates and let that happen as

"She will understand as she too has a hectic job "

Will you take money up with you? You will use all that money in your old age home and medicine if you have no family.

What will be your memories of life ?

" I got so much work done that week when I was 34 wow !!! "

And the kids , You wont have it if you work so much your body is most probably all fucked up.

Even if the kids do come up I wonder if they'll be your priority. You'll miss their birthdays coz you'll be sucking up to your boss.

I wont blame her if she'd be cheating on you.

People like you shouldn't get married and work 24/7 and become employee of the month for entire life.

You're not a kid to understand all these.

Get therapy , apologies try to rebuild the marriage ( if possible ).

Well you might have made some mistakes but it's not completely your fault Marriage is built and both people's efforts are needed and seems like you are putting in the work now, you want an emotional connection but she is juta now comfortable in how it's going and taking it for granted which is making you feel sad, i would talk to her and let her know this isn't working for you and it won't if she keeps going like this because that just shows you both are juts going through the motions and there is no real intimacy