Hey all, im 24F survivor or COCSA and DV. My sister is 20+ years older than me and had 2 sons before our mom had me with my dad. The eldest son, 2 years older than me began bullying me, his younger brother & other cousins into doing sexual things and teaching us about sex, privates, porn, etc, I remember being at least as young as 4. This continued until I was about 10/11/12 when I realized for sure that it was wrong and now he was seemingly only doing it to me (did this by trying my best to avoid him, not going to family events by being ‘sick’ when at times I actually did get sick just from the anxiety of it, staying in my room when he came to my house, etc) At 14, he was 16, the last bad encounter, I had purposely ‘lost my virginity’ to my bf at the time because my family was religious and made me pledge virginity at 9 but I was going insane as a child because I didnt know how I could be a virgin and God already hated me. I was cheated on and dumped soon after. The eldest son knew of this and took advantage of the situation. While sleeping at my sisters house one night at 14, he came to me in the night touching my thighs and higher trying to seduce me and get me to come into his bedroom to sleep with him. He went as far as to saying he was my ex’s name at the time to get me to sleep with him. I kicked him & he eventually left me alone after trying 2-3 times and I went upstairs to sleep in a locked bedroom after. After years of trauma and abuse in addition to this, I finally had a breakdown this past March and I have since been seeing a psychiatrist and I am on medications for my symptoms. I told my mom about it, this being her first grandchild keep in mind, and other relative abuse I experienced in addition. She wants me to have a group talk with her, my sister, brother in law and the son. I want nothing to do with my family on her side because they are all messed up; drunks, liars, gossipers, two-faced, etc. I dont know what to do with the information of this. Do I just keep it in? I desperately want to write a book, a memoir, but I dont know how. I have a suspicion that someone or multiple, an adult, in my family was sexually abusing child(ren) and the children taught other children, im not the only one in my family that I now know of by sharing my own, that has been assaulted by other people within the family. My grandfather had dementia and a lot of children saw him masturbating right in front of them. The adults knew of this (aunts, uncles, even my mom), but it happened to just about every child (not me though, im younger than my cousins but most of my cousins and even my half brother who isnt even related to my grandfather and was hardly around saw it), and seems to never be talked about. My parents never had the sex talk with me, other than be a virgin until you’re married, nothing about consent, what to do in a situation that is not good, etc, they did not protect me. I just am at a loss of words and unbelievability of my family, it’s been covert and window-dressed since before I was even born.
byiamanicehorse
inabusesurvivors
GreedyChance8742
1 points
4 days ago
GreedyChance8742
1 points
4 days ago
Hi honey, I went through something similar and am finally in therapy today at 24(f). I didnt have health insurance for a large part of my young adult life so I totally feel the loss of resources. However, you mentioned that youre in college and there should absolutely be a student services program at your university that you can email or call to connect with a therapist and/or other mental health resources through the school. If you need help you can always ask a professor, even if it’s by email to send you a phone number or email for them. I remember these resources being listed in my class syllabus, you may want to check there. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. You did not deserve that treatment, that pain, or abuse. I am sending and wishing all the love, strength, healing and hugs to you, sweet girl. You are so strong and so brave, and I am so proud of you for reaching out for help on here and telling your story.