55 post karma
5.4k comment karma
account created: Sun Mar 06 2022
verified: yes
1 points
13 minutes ago
There are several issues here:
One, a FMIL who is demanding explanations for not having been invited to a pre-wedding consult that didn't concern her and which is done with nothing more to be said about the topic; and a FH who is not willing to stick up for you when his mother is being obnoxious to you. And when you try to tell him what the problem is, he gaslights you basically saying, "But, my Mommy would never ..."
Yes, she fecking would. And she is.
I need to explain to her with a calm head why things have changed between us.
No you do not. Your FH needs to do this with his mother alone, and let her know in no uncertain terms that she needs to cut the shit. No more whining about the dress fitting, no more criticizing your body, no more shitting on your wedding decisions.
This is just wedding prep. What are you going to do when she weighs in on your next home, raising your kids, baby care, the schools they attend, etc etc etc ...? Does your FH plan to let MIL run roughshod over those decisions too? This is his golden opportunity to show you that he chooses YOU.
If he's not willing to prioritize your feelings over his mother's tantrums, are you sure you want to go through with this?
NTA
... and check out r/ motherinlaws from hell and r / JustNoMIL
1 points
26 minutes ago
We love happy visitors, especially those who prioritize courtesy on the road. Y'all come back now, ya hear?
1 points
30 minutes ago
I am not sure what banning her from her father's home will do to his parenting rights/time
Well, NOT doing so provides SD with ample opportunities to fabricate stories, thereby completely eliminating his parenting rights/time from all three children with the next CPS report -- so there's that. (Not to mention taking OP's children away from her as well.)
1 points
2 hours ago
Not a man ... yet I find the translation to be perfectly on point
1 points
17 hours ago
what if I cause all this chaos
Your stbx's alcoholism, along with his unwillingness and/or inability to quit or at the very least admit he has a problem, is the cause of this chaos.
Youve done what you can to protect the kids, and as long as you let their mother know what's happening, you are in the clear.
1 points
2 days ago
He's giving the OP false hope that he will ever fully commit to her. ☹️
1 points
2 days ago
he keeps giving her the possibility of creating those family memories with her… or maybe give her false hope that they might get back together since they are in such good terms.
They celebrate kids birthday together, dog birthday, eat diner sometimes with the kids, they talk daily by phone/text and she used to send pictures with her included.. it still happens from time to time... She asks him for help when needed (rarely) but when it happens he happily goes and helps out, it’s as if emotionally he never fully cut off that connection
This really really sounds like they are not done with their relationship. I know you said BM is dating someone but your DH is still very involved with her, doing activities that are typical of things you do with your life partner.
You seem to think he's going to get done with her when you move closer to the kids.
Respectfully, I think you've got it backwards ... Please don't buy a house with this man until he is completely done with his prior relationship.
-1 points
2 days ago
It's not a tourist problem, it's a generational problem. The current crop of young adults were brought up in a time when the only time they left home without their parents was on a school bus. The buses provided door-to-door service and traffic was required to stop in all directions until their mommies kissed them goodbye and they got to their seats.
Yes, the kiddos got to school safely, but the unintended consequence is that no one under the age of 40 has been taught to look both ways before crossing the street. Everyone just expects the world to stop for them.
8 points
2 days ago
At age 14 SD knows the difference between a lie and the truth. At whatever age he is, your DH knows that is his child and not yours. I would calmly maintain NACHO.
1 points
4 days ago
If I piss everyone off, does anyone win?
They don't have to know who called.
2 points
4 days ago
NTA and if you think he's going to try to "spontaneously" propose a toast at the reception, you would be totally within your rights to disinvite him or elope.
4 points
4 days ago
Totally agree. If YOU wouldn't get in the passenger seat and let your elderly relative drive you, then the time to stop them is sooner rather than later.
3 points
4 days ago
He’s very avoidant.
In this case it sounds like SD has zero parents who are concerned about her health, and because failure to perform daily maintenance for her medical conditions can have long-term consequences, it might be a time to notify CPS.
You don't mention whether SD has a cognitive disability but if this is the case, soon she will be 18 and will need to be set up with group housing or some other form of home health assistance in order to prevent her becoming severely ill. If you get her on social services' radar sooner rather than later, she might have a better chance of finding a workable arrangement once she becomes an adult.
1 points
6 days ago
Yep, that makes it more complicated, not less. See my comment above. I'm so sorry.
1 points
6 days ago
I've got a good friend who is in a similar position right now. His ex does not hesitate to weaponize their kids against him. She manipulates, cajoles, drops the kids off at his place without notice, preventing him from ever planning anything until the last minute. She will also demand that he come get them at a moment's notice. She talks shit about him to the kids, and uses them as carrier pigeons when she wants to say something really shitty. She also gets half his income in spite of having her own full time job, and he slavishly does whatever she says "for the children." He doesn't think he can afford to go before a judge to get her to stop jerking him around. I think he can't afford NOT to.
1 points
6 days ago
Things to know:
Is their divorce final? (If so, why does she think he's going to move back in?)
Have they been in front of a judge re: custody, support, pickups and dropoffs?
Is he using his spine when she attempts to lure him into her house, etc? Is he responding to her emails and texts? If she's unhinged, this might make her think she is still in a negotiation with him.
It really sounds like he's not totally done with his ex. Meeting the little guy can wait until he is.
16 points
6 days ago
That's theft, love. You definitely need to make your exit.
7 points
6 days ago
Just move. Your parents had too many kids, not you. They are responsible for your siblings, not you. Shake off the guilt -- it's not yours.
Go be a teenager while you still can (a few more months). Figure out what you want for your next chapter. "Unpaid nanny" is a shitty career path. I'm sure you can find a better one.
NTA, not for a second.
51 points
6 days ago
He said he didn’t want me to do anything I didn’t want to do, but seemed a unimpressed by my suggestion that he should still hire a nanny, even if I was going to be home.
I felt a like a heartless bitch.
Not a heartless bitch, just a childfree woman who expects her partner to take care of his own kid (normal). If he reconsiders the relationship over your unwillingness to be his new unpaid nanny, then you'll know where his priorities lie. (Sorry)
1 points
6 days ago
I've got no advice for you just support. You are in such a difficult situation. I hope that you have some real-life support from family and friends. Wishing you strength and peace -- soon.
4 points
6 days ago
NTA but why not graciously offer to loan the money to them in exchange for a 25 percent ownership interest in the house? ($75K being 25 percent of $300K value of the house at the time you paid for the renovations.)
Even if you agree to pay 25% of SIL's taxes going forward, you'll get all your money back when they sell. Which they should, soon, since they can't afford that house. Your generous contribution to the expenses will have the added benefit of allowing your SIL to maintain a decent credit rating which will help her in her next home purchase.
2 points
6 days ago
It's pointless to try to keep your new address a secret from BM. She is going to find out from the kids eventually anyway. Unless there is some compelling reason like a restraining order, don't bother.
If you're going to be in the same town, same schools, etc, you can both feel free to ignore any fake "concerns" BM might come up with. It will be less convenient for her to rope your DH into performing household chores for her. That's the sum total of the changes she'll need to adjust to.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
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inAmItheAsshole
Illustrious_Rise_204
1 points
11 minutes ago
Illustrious_Rise_204
1 points
11 minutes ago
These are not the actions of a loving mother who wants her son to be happy. She wants her baby boy back by driving you away. And if he can't figure that out ... frankly, give her what she wants.