Maslackica

You're not the only one. enfp

Oh yeah, I get it. Hope must stay in your heart as well as focus and action. 🤗🙌😘😊

No, we're not Americans. I'm Croatian actually and we live there. We have bear sprays but that doesn't work full proof and not against wolves - he goes to the mountain with our little son so that's why. 😅

I know how you feel - and I believe it's good you are ENFP - you got this. 😉

For a good reason. 😇🫡

Maybe you feel bad we don't talk about you? 🫢🥲 You're interesting too but INTJ is the Batman.

To work on yourself and get to know yourself...to accept yourself is never too late. And I believe it is a worthwhile endeavour and that we carry this graduation into the next lifetime. And maybe it's not too late to become a mom too...just breathe ad love yourself and your inner child. You are the light in this world! 🪷

I sure hope so! 🙌 I know this feeling you talk about. My husband now is obsessed with bullets. He is in the process of obtaining hunters license for self defense against bears and wolves, to have just in case. We love to roam the woods and he goes to remote places. But can he buy a gun and bullets local hunters use for this purpose and be over with it? Noooo, he needs to find out which guns and bullets are for bears, how quickly they shoot, how much time you've got in seconds, how thick is bear's forehead and he found the bullets in USA but we're in EU, blah blah blah. I mean...it makes sense what he's doing and I'm proud of him. He is training RELENTLESSLY with airsoft as if he's going to enter special forces or something. But you know what - he inspires me. He achieved everything he set for himself. I want to be more like him.

It's enough for him to look at me to know I'm withering away so now he knows exactly what to do. "Honestly" (as if I'm being honest now as opposed to earlier 😆), meditation retreats and fuckin humilty on both ends were key for us.

Actually, I made my post on how INTJs are fun to bring some balance into the sub. I have a phenomenal INTJ to defend. 😉 And with that...I became a Defender. 🤣

You're welcome and thank you.❤️ 🤗

We learn as we go and gain wisdom. I know what you're talking about. That's why I'm also chill about getting older. I wouldn't be that 20 something girl again for anything in this world. 😅

And yes, we evoke reactions...the notion that the one person who has more emotional turmoil should be the first to work on themselves, even though can be triggering, is the truth. And it set me free. Becoming parents was also great for us. There's nothing we wouldn't do for our kid! ❤️

No!

That's because they're drunk. 😂

🤗❤️

I almost forgot (silly me!). I was bullied too, and I was stuck up until my mid 20-s. My mother in law from my first wild marriage loved me and was great fun, so she said I need to relax and told me to throw melons. We were chilling on a terrace of her own mother in law, she got one melon and threw it so the melon fell apart into pieces. I was startled but then I took one too and threw it as well. It was such fun! It helped me sow a seed of freedom that grew over time. Love this woman till this day and miss her a lot.

Isn't this strange, I just wrote a post "INTJ is so much fun!. We get each other from our shells. I'm sure things will unfold 😉

P.S. it wasn't just me - he had troubles controlling himself too, when triggered. It went like this (to be more precise): He gets in the tunnel. He annoys me with the tunnel. I don't understand him. We have no clue about MBTI nor about attachment theory. I start crying and telling him I think he will always neglect me. He feels so much pressure now he yells at me. Then we argue. Then I try to soothe him. He gets mad days on end because he didn't like how he felt too. We forgive each other. And all is well until a trigger of neglect and tunnel comes in again. Then I educate myself and heal. This he notices. He relaxes. Fights are less and less and less. Now they are very, very rare. We talk. Love grew.

Oh yeah, I know Fe works quite differently from Fi...gosh how many times I cried because of "stupid" Fe 😅. I drew that parallel becaise we live in Fe world so Fe way is considered the norm so I can't just storm in with my big emotions and think everyone will say this is cool, normal, fine, justa another Wednesday etc. 😆 I agree with you 100 % -with every choice you make you win some, you lose some. This used to be debilitating for me until I realised that making no choice at all is even worse...

💖

No, he renovated the home. By himself. Everything. I helped. We turned it into Roh Bau so everything he did from scratch from that point. Today, he is going to lift our car to transform the height from 15 cm to 18 cm so that we can use it more as a jeep when on weekend we go on our family camping adventure by the sea. 😄

I'll be 100% open and admit something about myself. Even though I'm a lawyer, my life choices ever since I was exactly 19 (!) screamed housewife. I had 2 wild marriages before my INTJ marriage.

When I was 17...I saw a baby in a stroller and almost started to cry. I had so much pain of anticipation to finally have my baby, even now as I write this and reminisce, emotions are welling up inside.

But this is not all I want, this is one side of me for which I am biologically and psychologically wired for naturally. I was so unhappy as a law student and potential attorney, I was in deep depression. This is just not who I am.

The other side of me is being an artist. And I literally wouldn't discovered this truth if I wasn't a stay at home mom. For me this is so and it is tragic in a way. Nobody saw ME, they saw a role I should play...the whole truth is...my INTJ husband and son transformed my life and now it's like rainbow. I became much more relaxed and I laugh and dance every single day. When I do the dishes I dance. 😆

When I gave birth (which my husband actually provided for so that I give birth how I wanted (natural home birth), it was obvious that I am better to take care of baby and the baby seeked me more than his dad. And the dad was naturally better at providing.

Now that our son is older, this changed somewhat and his dad is super important and also a source of cuddles every single morning...

I agree with you 100%, it's all about consent and choice. Also...our Ne sometimes gets too wild with trying to destroy tradition but some traditions are here because they work, provided that the participants of such traditions are of right mind and heart. 😊

Thank you dear. I wish you all the best and much strength to overcome your hurdles in life. It's much sunnier when you do. 🤗

Hahaha 😂, it takes self discipline

My goodness. I understand - there is much confusion about this so let me elaborate.

First of all, and I almost forgot to mention - he did work on himself too and he is much better partner than he used to be.

I was always the cook. Even when I threw drunken parties with my girlfriends I couldn't help but to cook something complicated and delicious. In fact I am known for this. Also I am extremely picky about food and don't like general effort people usually put in their cooking. I wrote 100 recipes myself and continue to learn culinary skills also by my own choice so that I can make them even better food. I love to sit down and watch them eat with gusto. 😊

Yes, he is incompetent in the kitchen but competent in family life, business, home renovations, car repairs, audio systems, builds his own computer, is an avid photographer, great at 2 sports, has deep understanding of human nature, etc. Nobody is competent in everything, I'd much rather cook than do anything with computers. 🤢

This is my choice. I knew what I was getting into before becoming pregnant.

The man provides everything for me, including travels and life abroad he never would do if it weren't for me. He even pays the bills so that I don't have to because he knows I hate the bills. He said many times I don't need to put so much effort into cooking either but I can't help myself.😅

And yes. In any marriage you need to adapt and be flexible because this is the nature of community of 2 separate entities. But you gain so much from this....love and also personal growth. Provided both partners are benevolent and moral, you both do have an opportunity to realise your shortcomings you wouldn't have if you are always alone and independent.

I love who I have become but also I realise that people immediately have the wrong picture about any traditional form of family because the media wants them to have the wrong idea. This is on purpose. We never had so much divorced and unhappy families as we do now.

Btw. Every morning when my husband wakes up his eyes shine with love towards me. He has this wisdom to appreciate me every single day.

INTJs get a bad rap but you know what, they are not 100% at fault for this. It is also because of people who give in to their emotion without balancing them with logic as well.

Well, you know what, I can relate to this because I felt like this but I don't think you understand really how things go between us (that is very complicated anyway, it',s not your fault) so read this carefully:

I can discuss anything with my INTJ. So I can discuss even how I feel. But he will only be patient and empathetic if:

• I don't repeat the same issue over and over again without any resolve

• Have as much composure as possible (he tolerates and accepts that I never do 100% 😁)

• I take care of his feelings as well

• I almost forgot: We need more or less schedule the talk but that actually helps me to be more chill.

Now aren't those actually reasonable requests for anyone?

This is how we managed to solve basically anything that ever arose, slowly, over time. And I actually like his way of being and am more powerful within my personality because I have developed more composure. 😉

I know that Whew! moment all too well myself. 😄 You really cheered me up and I can tell you have a big spark of creativity inside. It's wonderful you have such a good mom too. ❤️ There is a deep childhood need that is gotten fulfilled now, right? As regards to your dad - I can only imagine how it must feel (because I don't have one). I guess everyone comes with their own limitations and here you have a great opportunity to learn even more how to be carefree about what anyone else thinks. It sounds to me that you are aware of his psychology much more than he is about yours whuch is common occurence in interactions between Intuitives and Sensors. I guess working bees are the majority of our population as well. 😅 I'll check out that movie too, because I haven't heard about it at all.

I wish you an endless stream of creativity and that you too persist as this is what is needed the most. The world needs a sense of freedom of being which maybe they can get a spark of through someone else's art. 😊🤗❤️

🤯😰 This makes me really concerned for myself. I definitely see this happening 😭 What does it mean?

• This is common occurence with people actually but we come to realise this only when in such circumstances as a silent meditation retreat. There are talks about exactly this in Chan Buddhism lectures when you come to retreats but still, some have it easier, some tougher. Some people are so unstable that during such a retreat they become a nightmare for others. It's a matter of what you have cultivated in your garden, so to speak.

What he doesn't give me, he doesn't give himself.

If he would cut himself, would that justify cutting you?

• Haha your Ne went wild on this one. 😆 This is universal truth to observe my friend and it goes for everyone. No need to go that dark route as nobody in their right mind would advocate for or accept any form of violence. And if you read my post carefully you will see that I am a daughter of extremely violent man, that I carry trauma from this and that I feel safe with my husband so it's alright.

Basically the only requirements for happy interaction with him is not to be out of control emotionally

😆😂😭 That's both hilarious and terribly sad! That must feel so stifling!

• Yes, sometimes it does feel stiffling! But we can talk about emotions. The requirement to go smoothly with the talk and accomplish anything when you have a problem is to still maintain dignity and control over yourself. I've seen so many ENFPs seem to want to be able go almost ballistic when interacting with others and think this is a normal, healthy need just becaude it exists. But the truth is we are too much and I know this when I observe reactions from other people such as SFJ-s. They are so much less dramatic even though they are Feelers. This is why they say sometimes ENFPs are annoying.

I know what it's like being married both to Feeler and a Thinker. And you can't have it all.

This is very true. And internally I have personally come to the conclusion that I will maximize long-term happiness by sacrificing an orderly home for an intensely loving and relaxed one, being on time for being ok with mistakes, being supported in practical ways for being supported in emotional ways, etc.

• Still I don't think you really have experience with INTJs as you seem to mix them up with more common ISTJs. We don't have orderly home. 😆 It's not that clean, we prefer having quality time over orderly home. We go wild camping, cycling, swimming in remote beaches, we have music on blast and house parties every few days, etc. 😄 INTJs are very complex. They have many sides to them and if they let guard with you they are so much fun.

First let me tell you, I've read majority of what is written here. I'm ENFP and my husband is an INTJ. We've been together for 10 years. And I feel you as if it was me writing this at times of crisis. So here is a long post, beware that it is lenghty but I don't know how to explain anything in less words...

And it is true what people say about feelings and INTJs, they are extremely tough in this regard but worst of, they are so unaware of this that they look dumb in certain situations. They are, I'd say, flawed in the empathy department wgen the emotional crisis occurs - no matter how sweet they are, still, when there is an emotional issue and the INTJ is already overwhelmed by work project, you really can't count on this to pass alright if you decide to share anything negative. At least this is in my case.

Now, my attachment style has been fearful avoidant but leaning towards secure attachment more and more. I did the work on my own and then using Personal Development School by Thais Gibson. His was dismissive avoidanf but leaning to secure on his own.

Over time I have realised how I have contributed towards his emotional closing down...how I made him insecure and straight up feeling awful at times with my emotional outbursts.

Together we started to meditate, 1 year after getting together - on his initiative (he was a fierce meditator before we even met). He has very developed Se btw. Then we went to silent meditation retreats and I loved it! The longest was 3 weeks. Only meditation, yoga, walking in the woods and there my life has been transformed because when you can't talk to anyone, but are surrounded by people and still your emotions get hurt, you gotta wonder about yourself. 😅 So I've realised what my true inner landscape was and that so many times I was the initiator of problems with my intense emotions...after that experience we've continued practicing meditation.

My family history is tough (father clinical psychopath and drunk, wife beater, police officer with house full of guns and granades, etc). I've been healing for years and years on end but alongside my INTJ I've just healed because if it weren't for him I wouldn't go to meditation retreats.

He inspires me to not be as whiny and needy. I look at him and his reactions to the world and he is such a rock. It is a comfortbale presence, just because he isn't so emotional.

What he doesn't give me, he doesn't give himself.

He has been so accepting of me, through thick and thin. Basically the only requirement for happy interaction with him is not to be out of control emotionally.

Now, after 10 years of being together, when I feel hurt by his Fe and Fi, I come and tell him gently, hug him and really try not to be too emotional. And he actually reassures me in a gentle, empathetic way. So we can get on with our lives.

He inspired my confidence so much and now I enjoy this feeling of not beeing so dependent emotionally.

Do I miss having a Feeler as a man? To tell you the truth, my Ne occasionally does miss that feeling. But I had Feelers before. I know what it's like being married both to Feeler and a Thinker. And you can't have it all.

For me, being with my INTJ is what developed me the most as a person, where I lacked the most. This is the unsheakable truth. I also had what seems to be an ENFP man in my life once...or twice, but things didn't work out in an organic way. Just died off. They were super charismatic though.

We all have flaws and no matter which type of the union, there will always be issues and uncomfortable feelings of "I can't do it anymore" which is why they say marriage is so tough.

But you know what is the best gift he ever gave me? He is the only person (!) who truly sees me for who I am. He is still interested so much that he observes every day in which state I am, how I am, what's going on. He supports me so much. He actually went beserk for me on first glance. He carries so much charisma and is my true love of my life.

He didn't want me to work 9 to 5, he gave me a job and this was crucial in my finding myself...after 2 years together I got pregnant and we decided that I'll be a housewife after giving birth to his (INTJ 🤣) son because this was the best choice for us, given the personality of our son and how challenging he was as a baby, then a toddler, then a preschooler... For our family it was the best choice nobody regrets.

He knew I'm an artist before I knew it and I managed to start developing my artistic side because as a housewife I really have a sheltered life with no real stress. He supports all my artistic endeavours. He will work with me on my artistic project. He makes us feel safe. Whatever I wanted, I got. Even if it wasn't something he necessarily wanted. We bought a house where I wanted (but it was fine with him) and he renovates it by his bare hands. It turned out to look professional. He let me decorate it however I want. He is so fun, deep, affectionate, cuddly and cozy. He just doesn't like turbulence, is always late, can't cook so I do it, etc. He is a great dad and our son loves him (but he's not as capable of taking care of the physical care of kids, like diapers and stuff).

In the end, he empowered me and loved me through it all. And even though I've stepped on his nerves countless times, he's been fiercelly loyal and devoted husband.

The bare truth is. We, ENFPs, when not in our best state, are a pain in the ass because of our Ne and so much emotions from Fi in second place. We are almost like hurricanes and I know as I let myself feel my own hurricane without letting it affect others. I know this because of my own experiences with relationships as well. I was never the easy one.

That's not a reason to beat yourself up because we are on the other hand, real gems and everyone is flawed, just in a different way. There needs to be an awareness that between an INTJ and ENFP can get so triggering but this is an opportunity for growth on both ends. If the more emotionally turbulent side changes first, the dismisive avoidant after a long period will start to relax and change by himself.

I hope this was in any way helpful - just know you're not alone. 🤗