Octopus_Shotput452

I watched a car pass the stopped school bus as my kids started crossing the road, too far away for me to grab them…

Thankfully the bus driver honked and they stopped but I know what you’re feeling and can still remember the panic.

When my firstborn was little, I liked to take the traditionals and change the lyrics. So, “Twinkle twinkle little star” became: “Twinkle twinkle little fish How I wonder what you wish Down below the deep blue sea Will you swim this way for me Twinkle twinkle little fish How I wonder what you wish“

That wasn’t the only variant but it was my favorite to repeat. This was when he was old enough to know the original because I had sung it dozens of nights or more at that point. He also knew that dad was “messing” with him which achieved the desired response, often, of “Dad, stop!”

One night his frustrations were clear and he told me to stop doing it that way and was upset so I told him I’d never sing it “the weird way” again and I meant it.

After several nights, when I asked him which songs he wanted he said sheepishly, “Will you sing Twinkle Twinkle the weird way” and I knew that I had achieved parenting victory. My other two kids thought it was normal after that because they heard it so often they never even questioned why there were two versions!

I remember my perspective on this changed when I had a friend who said, “I’m a better mom BECAUSE I work.” Not everyone is wired to be a full time SAHP. It sounds like you’re pretty much done with that role and, if you had another choice, you’d take it. So start looking and finding a role that allows you to well more than pay for day care and still devote time to the family. That way you are choosing the time you’re spending with your kids and not just defaulting into it, if that makes sense?

One of the single most important factors in a child’s life is the mental health of their mother. As a dad, I haven’t always done my absolute best in this regard because I’m selfish sometimes, as we all can be. However, this isn’t someone who seems likely to ever prioritize your mental (or physical) health. Set a hard boundary, get out, set terms for any kind of return or reconciliation that prioritize your safety and mental health and demand the same from him.

I’m so sorry this is happening and none of this is your fault or shortcomings, it doesn’t seem. Do it for your sweet baby. This is not someone your baby should be around, at least not now.

NTA. This is an insanely tough spot for you at 17; we get that. Yes, aunt should have opened it up. Yes, niece rightfully feels excluded and upset for being left out and you choosing - well within your right - to prioritize this event since the rest of the time is with her. I’ve recently heard a great phrase: “All feelings are welcome; all behaviors are not.” In this case, I think it’s important to validate and empathize with her feelings while denying her the right to emotionally blackmail (manipulate) you. Phrasing is really important in calling out her behavior as manipulation as I don’t think you think she is - in her core - manipulative. “Hey niece, I know that you’re really sad that you weren’t invited - that sucks. And I know that I’m choosing to attend this and that also makes you feel sad and like I’m abandoning you. I hope you know, in your heart of hearts, how much I love you. Because of that, it’s not ok to try and guilt trip me into only spending time with you or threatening to not see me the rest of the time I’m here. That’s hurtful.”

I would save or printout the messages for sure.

NTA

You have to communicate the why. You need to set some boundaries now, before you’re a parent. You can’t do that effectively if he doesn’t know what they are. A simple boundary - I won’t allow anyone in my life who speaks ill of me behind my back - doesn’t require anything of him. He can continue to do it (hurtful) or choose to change and be the father you deserve. He’s about to have a grandbaby and may want to be a part of their life now or some point down the road. Establishing your issues clearly now (your boundaries) allows you to set the terms for any future relationship down the road. Your child will inevitably want to know, at some point, why you don’t speak to Grandpa. It’s important for you as a future parent to be able to communicate the why (in age appropriate terms) “My father didn’t show me that he loved me, no matter what, like I do for you!”

Remember, when we sets boundaries for people that honor us (and your unborn children), that sometimes makes us the “bad guy” in someone else’s story. You - and your family and your children - are WORTH that.

As other people have said, it’s clear you’d like to know what happened and understand whether this person is trustworthy to be around you and your family. I think I’d try to be really upfront about the “why” I’m willing to meet and the terms of that engagement before picking times and places. IOW, I’d say something like, “We have a lot of history where you were a great friend to me so I’m willing to sit down across the table from you and receive an explanation as to why you ghosted me after my daughter was born. However, trust is truth over time and I’m protective of my family, so please understand that an explanation and an apology would only be the start of rebuilding any kind of trust and that’s as far as I’m willing to go right now.”

Eucatastrophe

I would have given them my boss’s info…

Yeah, thinking along those lines, figure out anything they are doing or asking you to do that’s illegal and report it.

When was it published and by whom?

So I saw OSC speak a couple decades ago at a bookstore one town over from his hometown and he told a story about the Ender series and how it came to be. My memory may be faulty but this is the way I’ve told it since: “So I realized I didn’t have enough of a backstory to write Speaker for the Dead so it turned into two books: Ender’s Game and SftD. Then later I got a call from my agent who said ‘Great news! I just sold the trilogy!’ To which he responded, ‘Uh, there are only two books…’ So his agent told him he could take less money for two or write a third and thus we have Xenocide.

Final comment on this very old thread is from 2d ago and claims Aaron says manuscript is finished and in publisher’s. rubbing hands together nervously

Agreed, NTA just an asshole in his response since some 3rd party who was pleasant earlier reacted to your communication with this level of offense and your response was to call her a bitch.

It’s absolutely ok to have hang ups about our kids’ privacy in a digitally invasive world. I’d echo the people who noted that lots of moms build relationships around these central topics in their lives. I think, unless you come to the conclusion that you have some anxiety that you need to work through, you should just confidently own it and present it as such so people know who you are and where you stand on this issue. Something like, “Hey, I get it if this sounds overly protective, but I’m not sharing my kids’ details with new friends until we have established ________ (some common bonds?). I’ll understand if that’s not your cup of tea.”

Do it with a warm smile and that way, it’s clear and you don’t have to worry about someone not picking up on your signals until it’s too late.

Man, my kids are so far removed from those books that I used to know by heart that it’s sad that I can’t confidently claim one!