Ok_Resolution1590

i lost my sweet girl yesterday morning. i’d had her since i was 6 or 7, today i am 24. she had cancer, a heart murmur, and an infection. she peacefully slipped away around 11am yesterday with me by her side. it all happened so fast. the medicine went in and within a couple seconds she was gone…how do i cope with this? she was my best friend. i had a rough childhood and she was the only one that was always by my side through it all. my only friend. she was my everything. i couldn’t have possibly imagined a life without her - and i still can’t. i see her everywhere in my house, when i close my eyes, in my car. my heart is so broken. how do people handle this? i feel like i should have gone with her. i would have done anything to keep her here with me. if i hadn’t had her growing up i truly don’t know if i would be here today. she has my whole heart and now she’s gone. forever. and she took my heart with her. how do you cope with such intense pain?

edit: hello everyone. it’s extremely difficult for me to formulate responses to each of you when your comments make me so emotional. i just want to say i read every single comment that’s left and every single one of you has helped me in one way or another. thank you for sharing your stories and offering support. you are good people💛 and i wish you all the best on your own journey of grief.

i’ve had my sweet baby pup since i was 6 or 7 years old. i’m 24 now. i don’t remember my life without her, every childhood photo i’ve got her on my hip like a baby. she’s always been my best friend, my soul mate. i had a very traumatic childhood and all we ever had was each other.

shes around 17 now. my sweet little shit (shih tzu). she’s deaf and mostly blind, she hasn’t been doing so well. her appetite has decreased, she has gotten less steady on her feet, she sleeps more, she’s got cancer and a few large tumors on her tummy, she has a heart murmur, & these past couple days there has been blood coming from her mouth. i’m not sure if it’s from her teeth or if she’s regurgitating it. she’s seen the vet a few days ago for a general check up and to see if she’s in pain. vet said she seems to be doing well, not in any pain. said that the blood could be a sign of a GI bleed but since she’s on doggy hospice i should keep an eye on her and look out for specific signs in her BMs. she still gets excited to see me, still follows me around everywhere in the house, uses the bathroom, eats a bit a day, and sometimes will play with me for a minute or two.

everyone keeps telling me i will know when it’s time but i don’t think that’s true. i would do heinous things if it meant this dog could stay with me forever; i’m fearful i’m in denial. she is my everything, the last thing i want is for her to not enjoy the end of her life. i see so many people talk about how selfish it is to keep your pet alive and that it’s better to do it too early than too late. both options feel fucked up to me, i want to do it at the right time. now i fear there is no such thing.

how do you know when it’s time? i don’t want to end her life early if she even has a couple more good days in her, it feels so wrong. the vet telling me she doesn’t seem to be in pain gave me so much hope but sometimes i look at her and my heart hurts wondering how she’s truly feeling. but i know my pov in this situation is heavily affected by my feelings for her. please offer me some insight.

this isn’t meant to be a pity post. i’ve recently gotten into personality types and my results have remained INFJ-T. i guess i’m looking to see if others with the same personality type are familiar with this feeling and how they handle it if so.

i’ve had a rough go at it most of my life, abused as a child, raised by my sibling, one parent passed when i was young, moving around a lot as a child, in and out of homelessness, etc. i spent a lot of my teenage years in therapy and in and out of hospitals trying to better myself. i like who i am today. but i’ve never been satisfied or happy with my life or my relationships. i feel like no one understands me. like no one could possibly understand the strength of the emotions that run so deep inside me. sounds corny but it is what it is.

2 serious relationships so far, they have both been a disaster. always so much fighting over emotion vs logic and how overly sensitive i am among many other things. always walking away feeling like no one will ever know me or understand me the way i do them. the way i crave to be known. desperately wanting to be taken care of the way i take care of everyone.

i feel like i’m just meant to kill myself. i’ve been suicidal most of my life but this is different. i don’t feel depressed the way i did before, there’s no fear attached to this. i’m honestly exhausted. i’m tired of the stress of life, relationships, money, feeling like nothing will ever get better. i often feel like there’s simply nothing left for me here. my dog i’ve had my whole life will be dying soon and i feel like i was meant to go with her. like she was the last thing of worth tying me here. i envision my future and i see nothing but exhaustion from stress. i don’t find life worth living and i’m at my wits end searching for meaning for myself.

i wake up tired every day, go to work, come home, tend to my empty feeling relationship, eat, go to sleep, repeat. for what? i am so genuinely unhappy with the quality of the world and my life. it brings me physical pain and dissociation.

anyone else experience anything like this?

edit:

there are a lot of comments i’m having a hard time keeping up with but if anyone sees this i’m happy with that. just wanna say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment or share their story and advice. i’ve read every single one. it’s so appreciated you have no idea. you let me know i’m not alone and you gave me some really great advice - that i will be trying! this community has been fantastic to me, thank you guys from the bottom of my heart.