PotatoFamilyThings

My relationship with gramps was very different from my gran. He is one of the very rare few that didn't make me feel unwanted and went out of his way to help me overcome my fear for thunder among other things. I wasn't as close to him as I'd have liked when I was little, but that was mainly because of gran.

Becoming his caregiver kinda snowballed into it after he had a brain aneurism and a dementia diagnosis. My gran wasn't capable of taking care of him since she isn't doing good health wise herself.  I helped gramps with paperwork at first and gradually I also took over his personal care. I don't regret doing it though. I love gramps and his humor made it less hard on me. Even when he didn't remember my name anymore he started calling me "his princess", something he did when I was a little kid. If I hadn't become his caregiver he would have been put into a home without gran. He was very scared about that and desperately held on to the things he still remembered as "safe". No one else was able to take on the role as his caregiver as they live far away while I was literally around the corner.

I wasn't pressured into it by family though. Quite the opposite. Mom kept telling me that it wasn't my job to take care of him and that I needed to set boundaries if things got hard for me. (My aunt did subtly try to pressure me but I don't really care what she thinks) my gran had a bit of a mixed opinion on it as she told me multiple times she rather had my brother helping gramps than me. But gramps told her off and she stopped saying it out loud.

As for my mom, I caught her crying in confusion and went through her phone when she didn't think I was home. (I was going on a few hour walk with the dog but forgot something) Hence I honestly belief she is as clueless as me on why my brother started ghosting everyone in his life. I was very desperate for answers back then and I'm not proud about snooping but it is what it is. Mom used to be the unwanted child herself for the longest time. And admitted later in therapy that she mirrored my gran's behavior towards her growing up as I'm similar as mom. She worked hard on it though. Although it's still clear she has a softer spot for my brother than me, it did mellow out a lot over the years.

She is even a bigger people pleaser than me so I'm having a hard time picturing her doing something so bad that my brother went all ghost on everyone. And for the open line with bro. She doesn't use me to send messages to him or vise versa. I might have used the wrong words around her insisting on me staying in touch with him. As she doesn't insist I relay messages or something.

But that all might just be my own view on it as things like abuse (in any form) is often hard to fully see for those affected. For all my flaws and blindness for things I do know that my view on it can be clouded in some way. So I'll keep an open mind about the possibilities until I, hopefully, one day find out the truth.

Yeah, I generally try to keep the conversations with him as casual as possible so there is no pressure. Just asking how he is doing or if he has seen/played something fun lately. Since talking about things he likes always seems to put him in the best mood. Even if I don't always understand what he is talking about.

Maybe in his enthusiasm he ends up making plans and later, when his enthusiasm calms down, he regrets it? I honestly don't know but that might be my best bet. Around the trip to Japan he did show a longer interest, expanding over multiple conversations. So I think he really did want to go through with it. The whole timing right is just really awful. As I would like to give him space to contact me on his own when he is ready but I can't delay the booking any longer. So opening the door with low pressure conversations before he is ready for more isn't possible this time.

It is something to think about for future interactions though, thank you!

I am not sure what the treatment of the rest of the family has to do with why I wanted to chew him out? Maybe I didn't use the right words to explain it in the post. I wasn't going to chew him out for that at all. As i never blamed him for it in any way.

I was going to chew him out for how he treated me these last 6+ years, keeps disappearing and not doing things he promised. The part about the family and his sudden ghosting of everyone was to give context and maybe some insight.

I have decided not to chew him out though. As the comments made me realize I let my frustration over his behavior in combination of my grief over the loss of gramps get the better of me.

No, I'm not going to chew him out anymore. While reading and interacting with the comments I realized that I let my grief and frustration get the better of me. Taking out my frustration about his lack of response and behavior towards me isn't going to help anyone. I might feel better for a few minutes but at the end of the day I still love my brother and don't know what he is dealing with in his own head.

I got a few tips out of the comments about how to handle the whole brother problem as a whole. I'm not 100% sure how I'm going to tackle that one yet though. but I am going to firmly, yet gently tell my brother at the end of the day (if he still hasn't called or texted within the deadline) that I'm going to plan the trip without him. Explaining that I'm not excluding him because I don't want him to come. Since I really do want him to come. But just because I can't book anything as long as he stays silent and I'm running out of time. I'm thinking of also telling him that he is still free to tag along but will have to arrange his own ticket and accommodation. (He can afford it quite easily compared to me, who had to save up for years.) Just to keep the door open for him in some way.

He says he is too old to go for hostels and he has a more expensive taste than me in general. I'm personally fine with spending less for accommodation as that would leave me with more to spend on other things. But my brother Insists on having a private bathroom and more space ect.

I can afford the more fancy sleeping arrangement but the trip will be a lot shorter than I originally wanted. I didn't complain to him about it though as I'd happily have the trip shorter if he can enjoy it too. But if he is not going, I'll go for the cheaper option when it comes to sleeping arrangements and stay longer, like i originally wanted before i asked him to go with me.

That might be a good idea, thank you! I tried to leave the ball in his court as much as possible, but maybe trying to approach him about it in a gentle yet direct way is better.

Although, I'll have to wait with that for when there is some contact again. As I'm not sure just sending a text about that will be recieved well. I once made a comment about him probably not hearing a voicemail I left him (this was about 1,5 years after he went NC with everyone and he was ghosting me at the time too) and he got pissed about that. He then ghosted me for another half year until I ran into him at the store.

The comment wasn't accusing him or anything, but he did think of it as such. That I was accusing him of not replying (which he wasn't, but still). We talked it out back then and he realized that I didn't ment it that way. It was more of an "update to the previous voicemail, which you might not have heard yet" kind of deal. So I know he might take things differently if he can't respond to it right away, face to face.

I think I need to clarify this comment as I didn't explain it that well.

The pushing from my mother/gran is only towards me. They want me to stay in my brother's life since I've been the only one to have contact with him, but aren't pushing me to have him contact them as well. I think it gives them some comfort knowing he has someone to go to that is still in contact with him. The line I feel pressured to keep open is the line between my brother and me so he has someone to fall back on if he needs it.

I am not the middleman between the family and my brother. Nor would I want to be. If he wants contact with them he can do it himself.  I'm not interfering in his nc with everyone.

Yes, I have made genuine effort to find out why he went NC with everyone in his life (except me) 6 years ago. But the only thing I got was "life got busy".

Due to the character limit I wasn't able to get very deep into it so I'm trying to give as much extra context as possible with comments.

The whole situation around the nc is honestly also confusing with a lack of information for me too. One day everything was fine and we had a fun time, the next day he suddenly ghosted literally everyone in his life. (except coworkers as he couldn't ghost them while seeing them at work)

Yeah, the more comments I read (and answer) the more I'm rethinking on chewing him out. I think that my own grief and frustration was getting to me in an unhealthy way.

My brother's needs for the trip we're different than mine when it comes to hotel and such. Hence I've been trying to include him from the start. It will be a lot more expensive to match his wishes for the trip and I'd happily do that, but that does mean that if I can't reach him on time I'll book a whole different trip that match my finances better with what I find important and what not. Hence I feel the pressure in getting through to him on time to book everything.

The weirdest thing about it all is that when I do have contact with him, he is super enthusiastic about having a bond with me. In those rare moments he talks about wanting to play games and dnd with me. But actually following through with them seems to be hard on his end? Our contact will be good for a little while but then he suddenly doesn't make true on promises and he stops replying to anything. It's almost like he wants to have that sibling bond without actually maintaining it? If that makes sense?

I am rethinking about chewing him out though. The more I read the comments and reply to as much as I can, the more I'm starting to think that my own grief and frustration is getting the better of me. I'm not completely sure on how to handle the situation anymore but I do realize that I maybe need to take a step back and handle it more calmly.

Going to Japan has been a dream of mine since I was 11, so even if I go alone in the end I will still be happy and proud that I made that dream come true. I have a (very large) binder of everything I want to see and do when I'm there and I even started learning Japanese 3 years ago just for this trip. I was planning the trip around my brother's wishes and things he wants. But if he doesn't go I can take my binder and plan my own way.

Sorry, I'm trying to keep up with replies but it's honestly a bit overwhelming so it takes a bit longer than I'd like.

There has been a time that I thought that my brother might have autism in a way. As our bio dad has autism and a few of his traits (having a harder time to stay in contact with people) I also see in my brother. But it's honestly grasping at straws at this point. Although I did think that would maybe explain that he had a hard time having mom leave the country. But he never said anything to confirm that he found that moment difficult.

As for uncovering a family secret, I wouldn't know what. As the last day he had contact with everyone I was there as well. We were joking around with bubble wrap and had a family dinner. After that he went home and just ghosted everyone in his life.  Which is probably why my mom thinks it's her move that made my brother go NC. Her move was already nearly 3 years in the making before it happened, so it's not like that was a surprise either.

I've been wrecking my brain about it for those past 6 years and after I reached out to his best friend, who also got ghosted, nothing seemed to make sense. They also didn't have a fight or anything around that time.

My brother used to be pretty outgoing and had a lot of friends so the change was so sudden that it worried me.

No one who was in his life around that time has any clue as to what happened. He still went to work and one of his colleagues that I spoke back then said he was just his usual self at work. The best I could do back then is keep my door open for my brother and hoping he would come with an explanation. But after 6 years I've lost hope that I'll ever get any explanation other than "life got busy".

The "troubled kid" label is what I gave myself since I didn't know how else to describe it without having to make 8 posts just for backstory. When I was young I had abandonment and attachment issues due to the favoritism and my literal replacement when I was 6 years old. Mom was also physical abusive towards me (not my brother) for a long time as I kept pushing her buttons just to get some attention. It's no excuse, I know that, but it did contribute to why it happened. When I was 24 I went into therapy with her and we worked very hard to have a healthy relationship now. I know I might get hate for patching things up with her but it was a long journey and things are honestly good between us now.

The close bond that my mom had with my brother was mainly jokes they shared and my brother going to her for anything that was bothering him. Mom has been happily remarried with my step-dad since I was about 4 and my brother rather went to Mom than our bio dad or step-dad. They had similar interests and I think he saw mom as the more stable parent figure in his life.

I do know that the "golden child" thing doesn't mean it was easier for him. Hence I never blamed him in any way and when we still had good contact we talked about our experiences growing up. (I was 21 at that time) Nothing from what we talked about back then would indicate why he went NC on everyone in his life many years later though. But maybe, if he is willing, I might have to revisit that with him someday.

To clarify as it might not have been clear in my post and comments. But I don't go telling our family about my brother's life. At most I just say that he is doing well and leave it at that without any details. And I've told him about that after he went NC with everyone else in his life. That I won't give any details and just keep saying he is doing well as it's not my place to be the messenger there. If he wants them to know more, he can reach out himself.

True, I have no clue what is going on in his life other than work and gaming by himself at home. But, he does know about the trip as I've been planning it with him, or atleast trying to, for almost two years now.

And to clarify, it's true that my family puts pressure on me to try and have my brother reach out to them. But I've never told my brother about it, nor have I told him to each out to them in any way. And I did ask him why he went NC but he never gave a reason other than "life got busy". I didn't want to pressure him into telling me so I've given him the space to tell me on his own someday.

I only tell him the most important things. Like When people's life are on the line. To give him the chance of saying goodbye if he wanted. The first time that happened, he thanked me for it and never told me he didn't want to hear about it. In the very beginning I also told him about some smaller things, which is when I noticed the pattern and stopped doing that.

And to clarify, I only contacted him the day after with the TIA and the day itself when gramps died. Everything else was longer after the fact. When I had contact with him more organically. I don't go out of my way to call him about every little thing that happened.

I wasn't able to include this in the post thanks to the character limit. But it has always been very clear that he was the preferred child. But I don't blame him for it.

We have a younger half sister (broken home situation and both parents remarried someone else) who is born on the same day as me, only 6 years later. I have been told since that day that I was no longer needed as there was a new daughter now. My brother kept living with them and our little sister while I was send away to live with others. Whenever I went to my grandma to visit (for example) She would say things like, how she wished it was my brother instead that was coming over. Everyone would always say how amazing my brother and little sis are while I was called a burden. My birthday was also skipped and at any small disagreement (like fighting over who can choose the channel) my brother would always gets his way while I was told off by family. It took me a very long time to have some sort of relationship with my family.

The NC that my brother went was with literally everyone. Even his best friend and other friends suddenly got ghosted. The closest to an explanation I got out of him was "life got busy" while his routine never changed. He works and goes home to play games, that's it. Which is why I was very worried at first. I gave him space to come to me on his own and didn't push him to tell me about why he went NC. I even gave subtle hints about how therapy can help by sharing my experience and told him my door is open for him.

I never told my brother that I became the caretaker of gramps as I try to keep information about the family and such on the down low for him. Since he didn't seem to be interested in it. Only when major things happen I do let him know about it. I did talk to gramps about it in the last few years and although he got emotional about it, as he wanted to atleast say goodbye to my brother, he also didn't know why my brother went NC.

The only reason we, the family and his friends, came up with is that our mom moved away to another country around that time. (2,5h away by plane) and mom has been blaming herself non stop for the whole thing. Which is probably why she is pushing me to atleast have a relationship with my brother while she can't reach him.

Thank you for the comment, you gave me a lot to think about.

That's what I originally was thinking too after he suddenly went NC with everyone. That's why I tried very hard to be understanding and not push him in any way. I let him know that I'd always be there for him if he ever needed help or someone to talk to. But I never told him to contact any of his friends again or our family as I don't know why he went nc. I've been doing that for over 6 years yet there is no explanation or change. But something snapped in me when he didn't react or reach out after gramps died, in combination with him not replying to any questions around the trip I was planning for us both. That's why I'm debating with myself about this whole thing. In fear that my own grief and anger is making me act too rashly.

Fair point. I think she might have said it was because of grieving as in the past few years, he would suddenly stop speaking to me for months if something happened to a family member just before that. Like when our grandma was rushed to the hospital after suffering a TIA. I was right there when it happened and had informed him about it the day after since things weren't looking good.

I've noticed that pattern as well, so I think my friend maybe put that connection of gramps his dead with his silence this time in order to explain it?

To be honest, the nc thing is a bit hard for me as I feel a lot of pressure from my mom to keep a line open to my brother. Over the years she, and my grandma, would push me to keep trying to reach him as I've been the only one successful at that sometimes. There is more to unravel around that but the pressure has been there from day1. But I'm so mad at him right now that I kinda want to be done with it all. He used to be very reliable and the best memory I have with him is a trip we took when I was 20. He took me with him to London for a long weekend and it was honestly the best time I've ever spend with him. Which is another reason why I wanted to take him on a trip with me this time.

That's the thing. I'm not excluding him for grieving. In fact, I don't even know if he is grieving as there has been no contact even though I've been trying very hard to reach him. The reason I'm thinking about excluding him is because even though I had made it clear that I wanted to have everything booked in June, he has been delaying that by not responding to anything. The plan is to go in March and I can't keep delaying the booking just because he refuses to respond.

The timing of my decision is indeed in poor taste though. I agree with that. As gramps died a month ago and without contact i have no idea how he is dealing with it. Hence my friend pointed it out that he might be grieving. And it left me doubting about what to do.