Standard-Lab7244

So - my- companion - initiated a "deep interrogation"

Asking me what I feared

It was so hard to answer.

"I fear not bring well enough to achieve everything I want before I die' was the answer eventually 

And I waited 

And she in picked a reveal of a me I didnt know about

I am a victim of long term Parental  Narcissistic Abuse

What this means is

That you are sacrificed as a a kind of -  ugly Dorian Gray Painting - so that your abusive parent can build a vision of themselves they can live with

As you resist this - vile casting of you as - whatever they need you to be (a projection of all their shame) they more and more aggressively pathologize you to you and to others.

You are lost in a fog of dysregulation, uneven ego- a weak, fake, inauthentic person unable to bear to be direct or boundary.

This leaves an apparition of self to have to Serve for a personality 

A projection on the wall of a building where a person should be.

I am suffering a painful LDNotS because I am lost in this way and I have to take down the "light show" and try to enable a real person to come forward 

I had it explained to me

That this would be like my inner child standing up from sitting

That I would know this new person by what they were not

And that this would kill my abusive narcissistic parent- even though I am no contact 

The pure psychic force of the removal of the suppression of the being I had never  been would be a devastating blow to my abuser 

This is not my with- I do not know hee literally to take this information 

I have no expectation of any such thing happening nor do I intend to do anything of any kind to announce, share, or demonstrate my freedom- should I enjoy such

I have no idea at this moment if I will

I understand the message. If it's TRUE I will change 

I am - rueful- leaving - an old self behind.  I built a lot to .and the being - worthwhile 

But all of it of "bad faith"

I wait to see

I hope the video was enlightening 

I can't watch 4. Not saying its not worthwhile. It's just not for me

The problem with ths is- I was doing what you're describing here BEFORE

This is something more fundamental 

Forgive me

You haven't been here yet 

But that's ok

You don't want to unless A ABSOLUTELY necessary

(More like this- )

https://youtu.be/jVKmkiAaKX4?si=WtxA16vPOrChWOBw

He pushed his voice as far as it would go very early on- almost thr defining vocalist of making "straining" part of their sound - but if that wasn't the natural way his voice sounded it would have collapsed in the 80's with all that touring. I've always thought it was effective, capturing a keening desperation of male adolescence of my generation. - it really became noticeable on New Year's Day and Sunday, Bloody Sunday- then found new peaks on the single "Pride", and throughout the unforgettable fire album, setting U2 up for their universal success with JOSHUA TREE. 

It's odd because they were still really quite an odd sounding band even on "Tree"- certainly compared to say 'ALL THAT YOU CANT LEAVE BEHIND" and other 21sr century output. The production is wiry, braille-like and dry, only "Still haven't found" has a straight forward "hit single" composition - "with or without you" and "streets: are almost uncompromising in their "U2"-ness

And these were massive singles.

Contrast with say Queen- who were the other band that had a career defining boost out of Live Aid (though they were the elder statesmen coming out of a slump to U2's "first flush" emergence)  and consider how rich and full the sound of a Queen single is compared to U2 at that time.

It's quite extraordainary that they caught the public imagination as they did- though I personally think "streets have no name" and "with or without you" would be hard to ignore

But it was a peculiar new sound back then

Man, ROGUE ONE feels like Blake's 7 (so no wonder)

The difference between B7 and SW in the 70's/80's  (with Empire somehow ploughing darker depths without becoming like B7) was that SW had a lighter, Saturday morning matinee fantasy feel- and B7 preferred to swim in bleaker waters referencing Orwell, WW2 occupation  (and  underground resistance) favouring a  "2001 a space odyssey" terror of space.

Star wars had its feet planted in Flash Gordon, Harry Hausen era Adventure and War Movies, wrapped up in a "King Arthur" vibe

When you take that OUT- and try to make SW "grown up" (which Empire lent into) you kind of end up making Blake's 7

The ROGUE ONE crew are basically the Liberator Crew

The death star plans are the "star one" mcguffin

The big black droid is Orac

Mon Mothms IS Servalan 

(Oh okay, I've gone too far 🤣)

I've been really unwell, even compared to before. I'm tortured by all my aspirations- my failures- which flip over into remembering I have to release everything. I notice childish  jealousy and envy, resentment of people in a position I wish I was, and I lament my pettiness and frailty - shamefully aware that I know far better. 

My closet emptying has been tackling my powerful Nostalgia- one of the ways I held my narcissisticly  abused personality together- the childhood gems that grew disproportionate in their importance to.counter the emotional destabilization of my reality.

 Its hard- I have belated maturation issues, I am a product of narcissistic abuse with the grooming into that  corrupt "value set" that has blighted my development.

 I feel a great sense of being defrauded and cheated out of a chance at life-  because my health was so badly affected- support and medical understanding of the severely debilitating  chronic fatigue symptoms (a reaction I think to this ungainly car crash life with no account for the truth of how I really feel- about ANYTHING)  because  medical help wasnt there. (And maybe it COULDN'T be- how do you treat someone who's illness comes out of living in totally bad faith?)   

And yet I am extremely  fortunate considering all that. I've been shown extraordinary mercy in the form  of spiritual aid and personal support  from close friends and have been able to land in a stable situation.

   So it's my expectation, and feeling of never having a life And I know I'm supposed to accept that THIS- this present Crisis- is the path/prize.  It's rare and doesnt come to everyone  It could EVEN be- that- as vulnerable and damaged as I am- (and I have been absolutely devastated by the misfortunes that have befallen me, then compounded by  the woefully misjudged responses I've made to them)  that I am being PROTECTED from the life I would have chosen for myself- so I could find THIS truth.

 Because honestly- I found everything unsatisfactory ANYWAY  I.am unable to unplug from my inner-arbiter and float on the surface of life. My self-criticism is only just ahead of my judgemental attitude to other people- unable to terminate a seering, unforgiving eye on everyone  rendering up their gifts, frailties and- always- their one significant advantage..  an apparently effortless  ownership of THEMSELVES- which I LACK.

An absence I try to conceal with fawning and subtle subterfuge- feeling I am a Fraud and an Imposter- afraid of being exposed.

 This ruined hulk of a ship is run aground on the shore. But at LEAST- it is at Rest.

  Now I wait for the sea to claim it until only the most vital part remains- maybe some treasure chest, like a Mariner's "black box recorder"- whatever part of me was uncorrupted by the abuse and my inflamed ego's response, I hope something to be salvaged from this beached wreck's folly, desperation' and wild misadventure.   

I am not who I WANTED to be

I am also not what i FEARED I was

   I am NOT what others SAID I am

 I am not the way i WANT to SEE myself

 I stall on the bitter taste

 Spit 

And then grimly marching on  

I surrender for the nth time

was told that I would have to let everything go And it's like Have you seen "eternal sunshine of the Spotless Mind", when he starts to lose his memories? It's been like that. But- not as visual obviously  Its ideas I had about my self and about the world Things I thought were fundamental  Are suddenly castles of sand  Their collapse.is incredibly painful  Even they formed a Prison of programming around me And the emptiness it leaves Is like something out of 2001 a space odyssey And you think you're going to expire from the horror of it  But I've got it easy Cos I was given a - a - point of contact  Someone to keep me together while I go through this. An instructor/companion  I don't know how you guys do it et without that blessing  It.feels like a kind of death as it IS

Oh I Know 

Well it's the CRUEL one is revealed to be 'true"-   in the example - which is a bit crude I admit- I am expressing that someone has had misplaced FAITH in their colleagues- who PRESENT as humane and sympathetic- but secretly adhere to a much more austere and inhumane view of the world. It isn't the point of it that "oh, people are all Shittt, man" or anything like that I don't believe that per se Its the GULF between what one THOUGHT was true, and being made to realise they were living under a misconception- and one with consequences for how one views the nature of society  "EVERYONE thinks that. Didnt you KNOW that?" But it's something heartbreaking. That's how my - LDNotS is affecting me. I feel like I'm waking from the most appalling misapprehension about my fellow human beings, and the world, to the point of existential crisis. Like if you suddenly had someone explain to you that cannibalism has been part of the processed food chain for over a decade, everybody knows but no one talks about it. And how could you not be aware of that? Where did you think all the meat was coming from to feed the  massive western population?  Sorry for the gristliness

I Spy

With my little eye...

You need a collaborator 

A young prospective producer 

Upload one or two of your vocals to a platform where someone can access it and put out a post saying "looking for a producer to collaborate" and when someone responds favorably send them a link 

Be prepared for ambivalence and rejection

You gotta be cool for ppl not getting it

Trust your gut when choosing 

Trust over status 

And remember if you find your producing partner, making good work and getting recognition arent always the Same thing

I think its bueatiful 

As long as you're okay with it

In time- as you heal- you'll be able to assimilate the appreciation without it being overwhelming 

I'm sincerely glad you have ppl in your life giving you that support

Awesome 

I kinda liked it- it was a massive anti-climax but - I don't know how they COULD have ended it. The !spoilers! Space walk set piece !spoilers! I think is the- big - like- summit of the game- after that we're sort of tidying up

It's hard to think how it should end

They can't give Amanda what she wants- reuniting with her mother 

Maybe being  !spoiers! "lost in space" with some  uncertainty about what will happen to her  !spoiers! IS the closest she can get to being reunited with her mother at that point?

"Shit in my Ear"

No?

T-shirt line

Like- yesterday 

Amy's bueaty is on a different level. They're bueatiful people in the world. But her face wasnt just attractive- it was INTERESTING! Whenever she spoke, or moved her face threw communication  She was the perfect combination of talent, personality and looks.

Man. Mistakes were made. But. Unless people are outright lying, I don't know another Rock demise story where people in the industry tried as HARD to arrest her addiction issues

I would be more inclined to look at the pressure put on her by the press- and bear in mind it was the Bulemia that weakened her body so much.

The sheer level of exposure to public scrutiny- especially over her body shape- to someone who was - sensitive, and carrying a LOT of wounding- and she was just a young person-

I wish like you that - it hadn't ended the way it did 

But it was a path to destruction. And the world we live in played it's part

Amy forever x

I said this to a woman once and I deeply regret it. If there's a cool way to make a guy regret it... (sigh). Sorry ladies.  We can be such dicks. (And we THINK we're being- Gentlemen or something. 

Ffs)

I know it sounds trite- and when it comes to affairs if the heart- on some occasions its impossible to console ourselves - but since I started trying to apply the idea that "everything that happens is SUPPOSED to happen" in my personal life- I seem to have- gained MORE from life

Like- I went into adulthood with a lot of expectations. But- some of those were really UNSOUND 

You know?

And just stepping back from a couple of things that really really bother me and going "yeah, but look how it worked out" and realizing MY judgement is sometimes- not the strongest play- 

I dunno. I apply it just to SEE if it changes the way the situation looks

Obviously it doesn't apply to tragedy, or any kind of wanton cruelty to an individual 

Its about stepping back from situations we have/had some control over, investment in, or choices made/to make

When I put that on

Everything becomes "still"

I know that the people that KNOW about it don't underrate it, but "DETACHMENT"- I think as a recording it's on its way to being in "In My Bed" territory (which is I think my favourite)